y 

JOE MILLER'S JESTS, 



WITH COPIOUS ADDITIONS. 



i' 5 



EDITED BY 

FEAISTK BELLEW. 

COPY OP THE TITLE-PAGE TO THE ORIGINAL EDITION. 

Job Miller's Jests; or, the Wit's Vade-Mecum: being a collection of the most 
brilliant Jests ; the politest Repartees ; the most elegant Bon mots, and most 
pleasant short Stories in the English language. First carefully collected in the com- 
pany, and many of them transcribed from the mouth of the Facetious Gentleman, 
whose name they bear ; and now set forth and published by his lamentable friend 
and former companion, Elijah Jenkins, Esq. Most humbly inscribed to those Choice 
Spirits of the Age, Captain Bodens, Mr. Alexander Pope, Mr. Professor Lacy, Mr. 
Orator Henley, and Job Baker, the Kettle-Drummer. London : Printed and sold by 
T. Read, in Dogwell Court, White's Fryars, Fleet Street, mdccxxxix. 



PUBLISHED AT THE 

OFFICE OF THE NORTHERN MAGAZINE, 
39 Park Row, New- York. 

1865. 






J^ 



Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1865, by 

A. BELLE W, 

In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States for the Southern 
District of New- York. 



/ 




PEEFAOE. 



A few years ago, at a dinner party in England, a very good story 
was told by one of the company, who represented the hero of the 
anecdote as a well-known nobleman then living. This story was imme- 
diately pronounced to be an " old Joe." On this, a warm discussion 
took place, when it came out incidentally, that not one of those present 
had ever seen the book so familiarly referred to. This discovery 
aroused the curiosity of one of the party, who immediately resolved to 
procure a copy of the work — a most difficult and costly matter. Hav- 
ing procured the book, he decided to republish it for the benefit of his 
benighted fellow-countrymen, and the following volume is the result. 

A singular fact connected with this work is, that every body presumes 
_*at he himself, and every other person, is perfectly familiar with its con- 
tents ; and yet, if the reader will ask his friends, it will appear that not one 
in a thousand ever set eyes on a copy ; indeed, we doubt much whether 
there are a dozen persons in the United States who have ever seen the 
work. 

Mr. Joseph Miller — or Joe Miller, as he is generally called, with a 
familiarity that smacks of immortality — whose name as a wit is now 
current wherever the English language is spoken, was, when living, him- 
self a jest for dulness, so that his name appended to this work is what 
Mr. Artemus Ward would call " sarkasum." According to report, Miller, 
who was an excellent comic actor, but taciturn and saturnine, " was in 
the habit of spending his afternoons at the Black Jack, a well-known 
public-house in Portsmouth street, Clare Market, which at that time was 
frequented by the most respectable tradesmen in the neighborhood, 
who, from Joe's imperturbable gravity, whenever any risible saying was 
recounted, ironically ascribed it to him. After his death, having left 
his family unprovided for, advantage was taken of this badinage. A 
Mr. Mottley, a well-known dramatist of that day, was employed to col- 



IV PREFACE. 

lect all the stray jests, then current on town. Joe Miller's name was 
prefixed to them, and from that day to this, the man who never uttered 
a jest has been the reputed author of every jest, past and present, and 
doubtless through future ages will receive credit for all the good things 
that may be said by the grandchildren of those youngsters who now 
collect around our knees, and, in the innocence of their hearts, never 
suspect (that which they will, alas ! discover in after years) that we have 
been palming off on them u 01d Joe's," as the production of our own 
unparalleled humor. Fathers may well dread the effect this book may 
have on the filial respect of their sons a generation hence, when they 
will cease to be the respected wits and become the beloved impostors. 

This volume not only contains the jests of Joe Miller, but a large 
number of others, gathered from collections of Facetiae previously and 
since published. But to the bookworm and student of Jokology, it 
will be sufficient to say that the first one hundred and ninety-eight 
jokes comprise the whole of the genuine edition. 

When we look at the reputation of this Miller, we must needs be 
deeply impressed with the capriciousness of the character of Fame. A 
hero or a martyr dies — she gives one s:nall toot and hangs up her born. 
But some obscure person is hot with a jest, and her trumpet brays away 
in his honor for ages. Then, too, her mendacity — George of England 
is advertised as a saint, and Joe Miller sli a wit. For aught we can tell 
to the contrary, our great-grandchildren may honor the name of Greeley 
as a leader of fashion. They may speak of him as Dandy Horace or 
Beau Greeley — tailors may adorn their magazines of fashion with his 
portrait. Miles O'Reilly may be canonized, and Artemus Ward handed 
down to posterity as a general officer in the confederate army. 



JOE MILLER'S JESTS. 



1. The Duke of Atholl, who says more good things 
than anybody, being behind the scenes the first night 
of the Beggars' Opera, and meeting Cibber there, Well, 
Colley, said he, how do you like the Beggars' Opera ? 
Why it makes one laugh, my lord, answered he, on the 
stage ; but how will it do in print ? O ! very well, I'll 
answer for it, said the duke, if you don't write a preface 
to it. [*„.* See Gibber's preface to Provoked Husband.] 

2. There being a great disturbance one night at 
Drury Lane play-house, Mr. Wilks, coming upon the 
stage to say something to pacify the audience, had an 
orange thrown full at him, which he having taken up, 
making a low bow, This is no civil orange, I think, 
said he. 

3. Joe Miller sitting one day in the window at the 
Sun Tavern in Clare Street, a fish woman and her maid 
passing by, the woman cried, M Buy my souls, buy my 
maids." Ah ! you wicked old creature, said honest 
Joe, what are you not content to sell your own soul, 
but you must sell your maid's too ? 

4. A poor man who had a termagant wife, after a long 
dispute, in which she was resolved to have the last word, 
told her, If she spoke one more crooked word, he'd beat 
her brains out. Why then, ram's-horns, you rogue, said 
she, if I die for it. 

5. A hackney-coachman, who was just set up, had 
heard that the lawyers used to club their threepence 



2 joe miller's jests. 

a-piece, four of them, to go to Westminster; and being 
called by a lawyer at Temple Bar, who, with two others 
in their gowns, got into his coach, he was bid to drive 
to Westminster Hall; but the coachman still holding 
his door open, as if he waited for more company, one of 
the gentlemen asked him, why he did not shut the door, 
and go on ? The fellow, scratching his head, cried, 
You know, master, my fare's a shilling ; I can't go for 
ninepence. 

6. Two free-thinking authors proposed to a bookseller, 
that was a little decayed in the world, That if he would 
print their works, they would set him up ; and, indeed, 
they were as good as their word, for in six weeks time 
he was in the pillory. 

7. A gentleman was saying one day at the Tilt Yard 
Coffee-house, when it rained exceedingly hard, that it 
put him in mind of the general deluge. Zoons, sir, said 
an old campaigner, who stood by, who's that ? I have 
heard of all the generals in Europe but him. 

8. A certain poet and player, remarkable for his im- 
pudence and cowardice, happening many years ago to 
have a quarrel with Mr. Powel, another player, received 
from him a smart box on the ear ; a few days after, the 
poetical player having lost his snuff-box, and making 
strict inquiry if anybody had seen his box, What, said 
another of the buskined wits, that which George Powel 
gave you the other night ? 

9. Gun Jones, who had made his fortune himself, from 
a mean beginning, happening to have some words with 
a person who had known him some time, was asked by 
the other, how he could have the impudence to give 
himself so many airs, when he knew very well, that he 
remembered him seven years before with hardly a rag 
to his back. You lie, sirrah, replied Jones, seven years 
ago I had nothing but rags to my back. 

10. Lord R — having lost fifty pistoles one night at 
the gaming-table in Dublin, some friends condoling with 
him upon his ill luck : Faith, said he, I am very well 



JOE MILLER S JESTS. 3 

pleased at what I have done ; for I have bit them, there 
is not one pistole that don't want six-pence of weight. 

11. A gentleman saying something in praise of Mrs. 
C — m, who is, without dispute, a good player, though 
exceeding saucy and exceeding ugly ; another said, her 
face always put him in mind of Mary-bone Park ; being 
desired to explain himself, he said, It was vastly rude, 
and had not one bit of pale about it. 

12. A pragmatical young fellow, sitting at table over 
against the learned John Scott, asked him, What dif- 
ference there was between Scott and Sot? Just the 
breadth of the table, answered the other. 

13. Another poet asked Nat Lee, if it was not easy 
to write like a madman, as he did? No, answered 
Nat ; but it is easy to write like a fool, as you do. 

14. Colley, who, notwithstanding his odes, has now 
and then said a good thing, being told one night by 
the late Duke of Wharton, that he expected to see him 
hanged or beggared very soon : If I had your grace's 
politics and morals, said the laureat, you might expect 
both. 

15. Sir Thomas More for a long time had only daugh- 
ters, his wife earnestly praying that they might have a 
boy ; at last they had a boy, who, when he came to 
man's estate, proved but simple : Thou prayedst so long 
for a boy, said Sir Thomas to his wife, that at last thou 
hast got one who will be a boy as long as he lives. 

16. The same gentleman, when Lord Chancellor, being 
pressed by the counsel of the party, for a longer day to 
perform a decree, said, Take St. Barnaby's Day, the 
longest in the year, which happened to be next week. 

17. This famous Chancellor, who preserved his hu- 
mour and wit to the last moment, when he came to be 
executed on Tower Hill, the headsman demanded his 
upper garment as his fee ; Ah ! friend, said he, taking 
off his cap, that, I think, is my upper garment. 

18. When Rabelais, the greatest droll in France, lay 



4 JOE MILLER'S JESTS. 

on his death-bed, he could not help jesting at the very- 
last moment ; for, having received the extreme unction, 
a friend coming to see him, said, he hoped he was pre- 
pared for the next world : Yes, yes, replied Rabelais, I 
am ready for my journey now ; they have just greased 
my boots. 

19. Henry the Fourth of France, reading an ostenta- 
tious inscription on the monument of a Spanish officer, 
" Here lies the body of Don &c. &c, who never knew 
what fear was." Then, said the king, he never snuffed 
a candle with his fingers. 

20. A certain member of the French Academy, who 
w r as no great friend to the Abbot Furetiere, one day 
took the seat that was commonly used by the abbot, 
and soon after having occasion to speak, and Furetiere 
being by that time come in : Here is a place, said he, 
gentlemen, from whence I am likely to utter a thousand 
impertinencies. Go on, answered Furetiere, there's one 
already. 

21. When Sir Richard Steele was fitting up his great 
room in York Buildings, for public orations, he hap 
pened at one time to be pretty much behind-hand with 
his workmen, and coming one day among them, to see 
how they went forward, ordered one of them to get 
into the rostrum, and make a speech, that he might ob- 
serve how it could be heard ; the fellow mounting, and 
scratching his pate, told him, he knew not what to say, 
for in truth he was no orator. Oh ! said the knight, no 
matter for that, speak anything that comes uppermost. 
Why here, Sir Richard, says the fellow, we have been 
working for you these six weeks, and cannot get one 
penny of money : pray, sir, when do you design to pay 
us ? — Very well, very well, said Sir Richard, pray come 
down, I have heard enough ; I cannot but own you 
speak very distinctly, though I don't admire your sub- 
ject. 

22. A country clergyman, meeting a neighbour, who 
never came to church, although an old fellow of above 
sixty, he gave him some reproof on that account, and asked 



JOE MILLERS JESTS. 5 

lrim if he never read at home ? No, replied the clown, 
I can't read. I dare say, said the parson, you don't 
know who made you. Not I, in troth, said the coun- 
tryman, A little boy coming by at the same time, Who 
made you, child ? said the parson. God, sir, answered 
the boy. Why, look you there, quoth the honest cler- 
gyman, are not you ashamed to hear a child of five or 
six years old tell me who made him, when you, that are 
so old a man, cannot ? Ah ! said the countryman, it is 
no wonder that he should remember ; he was made but 
t'other day, it is a great while, master, sin' I was made. . 

23. A certain reverend clergyman in the country was 
complaining to another, that it was a great fatigue to 
preach twice a day. Oh! said the other, I preach 
twice every Sunday, and make nothing of it. 

24. One of the aforesaid gentlemen, as was his cus- 
tom, preaching most exceedingly dull to a congregation 
not used to him, many of them slunk out of the church, 
one after another, before the sermon was near ended. 
Truly, said a gentleman present, this learned doctor has 
made a very moving discourse. 

25. Sir William Davenant the poet had no nose, who 
going along the Mews one day, a beggar-woman fol- 
lowed him, crying, Ah ! God preserve your eye-sight, 
sir; the Lord preserve your eye-sight. Why, good 
woman, said he, do you pray so much for my eye- 
sight ? Ah ! dear sir, answered the woman, if it should 
please God that you grow dim-sighted, you have no 
place to hang .your spectacles on. 

26. A Welchman, bragging of his family, said, His 
father's effigy was set up in Westminster Abbey ; being- 
asked whereabouts, he said, In the same monument with 
Squire Thynne's ; for he was his coachman. 

2 7. A person was saying, not at all to the purpose, 
that Samson was a very strong man. Ay, said another, 
but you are much stronger, for you make nothing of 
lugging him in by the head and shoulders. 

28. My Lord Strangford, who stammered very much, 



6 joe miller's jests. 

was telling a certain bishop that sat at his table, that 
Balaam's ass spoke because he was pri — est — Priest- 
rid, sir, (said a valet-de-chambre, who stood behind the 
chair,) my lord would say. No, friend, replied the 
bishop, Balaam could not speak himself, and so his ass 
spoke for him. 

29. The same noble lord asked a clergyman once, at 
the bottom of his table, why the goose, if there was one, 
was always placed next to the parson ? Really, said he, 
I can give no reason for it ; but your question is so odd, 
I shall never see a goose, for the future, without thinking 
of your lordship. 

30. A gentleman was asking another how that poor 
devil S — ge could live, now my Lord T — 1 had turned 
him off. Upon his wits, said the other. That is living 
upon a slender stock indeed, replied the first. 

31. A country parson having divided his text under 
two and twenty heads, one of the congregation went 
out of the church in a great hurry, and being met by a 
friend, he asked him, whither he was going ? Home for 
my night-cap, answered the first, for I find we are to 
stay here all night. 

32. A very modest young gentleman, of the county of 
Tipperary, having attempted many ways in vain to ac- 
quire the affections of a lady of great fortune, at last 
was resolved to try what could be done by the help of 
music, and therefore entertained her with a serenade 
under her windows at midnight ; but she ordered her 
servant to drive him hence, by throwing stones at him. 
Your music, my friend, said one of his companions, is as 
powerful as that of Orpheus, for it draws the very stones 
about you. 

33. A certain senator, who, it maybe, is not esteemed 
the wisest man in the house, has a frequent custom of 
shaking his head when another speaks ; which, giving 
offence to a particular person, he complained of the 
affront ; but one who had been long acquainted with 
him, assured the house, It was only an ill habit he had 



JOE MILLER S JESTS. 7 

got, for though he would oftentimes shake his head, there 
was nothing in it. 

34. A gentleman having lent a guinea for two or three 
days to a person whose promises he had not much faith 
in, was very much surprised to find, that he punctually 
kept his word with him ; the same gentleman being 
some time after desirous of borrowing the like sum, No, 
said the other, you have deceived me once, and I am re- 
solved you shan't do it a second time. 

35. My Lord Chief Justice Holt had sent, by his war- 
rant, one of the French prophets, a foolish sect, that 
started up in his time, to prison ; upon which, Mr. Lacy, 
one of their followers, came one day to my lord's house, 
and desired to speak with him ; the servants told him, 
he was not well, and saw no company that day : But 
tell him, said Lacy, I must see him ; for I come to him 
from the Lord ; which being told the Chief Justice, he 
ordered him to come in, and asked him his business : I 
come, said he, from the Lord, who has sent me to thee, 
and would have thee grant a nolle prosequi for John At- 
kins, whom thou hast cast into prison. Thou art a false 
prophet, answered my lord, and a lying knave ; for if 
the Lord had sent thee, it would have been to the Attor- 
ney General ; he knows it is not in my power to grant a 
nolle prosequi. 

36. Tom B — rn — t happening to be at dinner at my 
Lord Mayor's, in the latter part of Queen Anne's reign, 
after two or three healths, the ministry was toasted ; but 
when it came to Tom's turn to drink, he diverted it for 
some time by telling a story to the person who sat next 
him ; the chief magistrate of the city, not seeing his 
toast go round, called out, Gentlemen, where sticks the 
ministry ? At nothing, said Tom, and so drank off his 
glass. 

37. My Lord Craven, in King James the First's reign, 
was very desirous to see Ben Jonson, which being told 
to Ben, he went to my lord's house ; but being in a very 
tattered condition, as poets sometimes are, the porter 
refused him admittance, with some saucy language, 



8 joe miller's jests. 

which the other did not fail to return. My lord, hap- 
pening to come out while they were wrangling, asked 
the occasion of it ? Ben, who stood in need of nobody 
to speak for him, said, he understood his lordship desired 
to see him. You, friend ? said my lord, who are you ? 
Ben Jonson, replied the other. No, no, quoth my lord, 
you cannot be Ben Jonson, who wrote the Silent Woman ; 
you look as if you could not say Bo to a goose. Bo, 
cried Ben. Very well, said my lord, who was better 
pleased at the joke than offended at the affront, I am 
now convinced, by your wit, you are Ben Jonson. 

38. A certain fop was boasting in company that he 
had every sense in perfection. There is one you are 
quite without, said one who was by, and that is common 
sense. 

39. An Irish lawyer of the Temple having occasion to 
go to dinner, left these directions written, and put in the 
key-hole of his chamber door : I am gone to the Ele- 
phant and Castle, where you shall rind me ; and if you 
can't read this note, carry it down to the stationer's, and 
he will read it for you. 

40. Old Dennis, who had been the author of many 
plays, going by a brandy-shop in St. Paul's Church Yard, 
the man who kept it came out to him, and desired him 
to drink a dram. For what reason ? said he. Because 
you are a dramatic poet, answered the other. Well, sir, 
said the old gentleman, thou art an out-of-the-way fellow, 
and I Avill drink a dram with thee : but when he had so 
done, he asked him to pay for it : 'Sdeath, Sir, said the 
bard, did you not ask me to drink a dram, because I 
was a dramatic poet ? Yes, sir, replied the fellow, but 
I did not think you had been a dram-o'tick poet. 

41. Daniel Purcell, the famous punster, and a friend of 
his, having a desire to drink a glass of wine together, 
upon the 30th of January, they went to the Salutation 
Tavern upon Holborn Hill, and finding the door shut, 
they knocked at it, but it was not opened to them, only 
one of the drawers looked through a little wicket, and 
asked what they would please to have? Why, open 



joe miller's jests. 9 

your door, said Daniel, and draw us a pint of wine : the 
drawer said, his master would not allow of it that day, 
for it was a fast. Hang your master, replied he, for a 
precise coxcomb, is he not contented to fast himself, but 
he must make his doors fast too ? 

42. The same gentleman calling for some pipes in a 
tavern, complained they were too short. The drawer 
said they had no other, and those were but just come in. 
Ay, said Daniel, I see you have not bought them very 
long. 

43. The same gentleman, as he had the character of a 
great punster, was desired one night in company, by a 
gentleman, to make a pun extempore. Upon what sub- 
ject ? said Daniel. The King, answered the other. The 
king, sir, said he, is no subject. 

44. G — s E — 1, who, though he is very rich, is remark- 
able for his sordid covetousness, told Gibber one night 
in the green room, that lie was going out of town, and 
was sorry to part with him, for faith he loved him. Ah ! 
said Colley, I wish I was a shilling for your sake. Why 
so ? said the other. Because then, cried the laureat, I 
should be sure you loved me. 

45. Lord C — by, coming out of the House of Lords 
one day, called out, Where's my fellow ? Xot in Eng- 
land, said a gentleman who stood by. 

46. A beggar asking alms under the name of a poor 
scholar, a gentleman to whom he applied himself asked 
hirn a question in Latin ; the fellow, shaking his head, 
said, he did not understand him. Why, said the gentle- 
man, did you not say you were a poor scholar ? Yes, 
replied the other, a poor one indeed, sir, for I do not 
understand one word of Latin. 

47. Several years ago, when Mrs. Rogers the player 
was young and handsome, Lord North and Grey, re- 
markable for his homely face, accosting her one night 
behind the scenes, asked her with a sigh, what was a 
cure for love? Your Lordship, said she; the best I 
know in the world. 



10 

48. Colonel , who made the fine fireworks in St, 

James's Square, upon the peace of Ryswick, being in 
company with some ladies, was highly commending the 
epitaph just then set up in the Abbey on Mr. Purcell's 
monument — " He is gone to that place where only his 
own harmony can be exceeded." Well, Colonel, said 
one of the ladies, the same epitaph might serve for you, 
by altering one word only : " He is gone to that place 
where only his own fireworks can be exceeded ?" 

49. Sir B — ch — r W — y, in the beginning of Queen 
Anne's reign, and three or four more drunken tories, 
reeling home from the Fountain Tavern in the Strand, 
on a Sunday morning, cried out, We are the pillars of 
the church. Xo, said a whig, that happened to be in 
their company, you can be but the buttresses, for you 
never come on the inside of it. 

50. After the fire of London, there was an act of par- 
liament to regulate the buildings of the city ; every 
house was to be three stories high. A Gloucestershire 
gentleman, a man of great wit and humour, just after 
this act passed, going along the street, and seeing a little 
crooked gentlewoman on the other side of the way, ran 
over to her in great haste ; Lord, madam, said he, how 
dare you to walk the streets thus publicly ? Walk the 
streets ! and why not ? answered the little woman. Be- 
cause, said he, you are built directly contrary to act of 
parliament : you are but two stories high. 

51. One Mr. Topham was so very tall and large, that 
if he was living now, he might be shewn at Yeate's the- 
atre for a sight. This gentleman going one day to in- 
quire for a countryman a little way out of town, when 
he came to the house, he looked in at a little window 
over the door, and asked the woman, who sat by the 
fire, if her husband was at home ? No, Sir, said she, 
but if you please to alight, and come in, I'll go and call 
him. 

52. The same gentleman walking across Co vent Gar- 
den, was asked by a beggar-woman for a halfpenny, or 
farthing ; but finding he would not part with his money, 



JOE illLLEK's JESTS. 11 

she begged lie would give her one of his old shoes. He 
was very desirous to know what she could do with one 
shoe. To make rny child a cradle, sir, said she. 

53. King Charles II. having ordered a new suit of 
clothes to be made, just at a time when addresses were 
coming up to him from all parts of the kingdom, Tom 
Killigrew went to the tailor, and ordered him to make 
a very large pocket on one side of the coat, and one so 
small on the other, that the king could hardly get his 
hand into it ; which seeming very odd, when they were 
brought home, he asked the meaning of it ; the tailor 
said, Mr. Killigrew ordered it so. Killigrew being sent 
for, and interrogated, said, One pocket was for the ad- 
dresses of his majesty's subjects, the other for the money 
they would give him. 

54. My Lord B — -.had married three wives, who were 
all his servants ; a beggar-woman meeting him one day 
in the street, made him a very low curtesy. Ah, bless 
your lordship, said she, and send you a long life ; if you 
do but live long enough, we shall all be ladies in time. 

55. Dr. Sadler, who was a very fat man, happening to 
go thump, thump, through a street in Oxford, where the 
paviours were at work, in the midst of July, the fellows 
immediately laid down their rammers. Ah, bless you, 
master, said one of them, it was very kind of you to 
come this way ; it saves us a great deal of trouble this 
hot weather. 

56. An arch wag, of St. John's College, asked an- 
other of the same College, who was a great sloven, why 
he would not read a certain author called Go-Clenius. 

5 7. Swan, the famous punster of Cambridge, being a 
non-juror, upon which account he had lost his FelloAv- 
ship, as he was going along the Strand, in the beginning 
of King William's reign, on a very rainy day, a hackney- 
coachman called to him, Sir, won't you please to take 
coach ? it rains hard. Ay, friend, said he, but this is no 
rain [reign] for me to take coach in. 

58. When Oliver first coined his money, an old cava- 



12 joe miller's jests. 

lier looking upon one of the new pieces, read the inscrip- 
tion on one side, God with us : On the other, The com- 
monwealth of England. I see, said he, God and the 
commonwealth are on different sides. 

59. Colonel Bond, who had been one of King Charles 
the First's judges, died a day or two before Oliver, and 
it was strongly reported everywhere that Cromwell was 
dead ; No, said a gentleman, who knew better, he has 
only given Bond to the devil for his further appearance. 

60. Mr. Serjeant G d, being lame of one leg, and 

pleading before Judge Fortescue, who had little or no 
nose, the Judge told him he was afraid he had but a 
lame cause of it. Oh ! my lord, said the Serjeant, have 
but a little patience, and I'll warrant I prove everything 
as plain as the nose on your face. 

61. A gentleman, eating some mutton that was very 
tough, said, it put him in mind of an old English poet ; 
being asked who that was, Chau-cer, replied he. 

62. Michael Angelo, in his picture of the Last Judg- 
ment, in the Pope's chapel, painted among the figures in 
hell that of a certain cardinal, who was his enemy, so 
like, that everybody knew it at first sight : whereupon 
the cardinal complaining to Pope Clement VII. of the 
affront, and desiring that it might be defaced ; You 
know T very well, said the Pope, I have power to deliver 
a soul out of purgatory, but not out of hell. 

63. A gentleman being at dinner at a friend's house, 
the first thing that came upon the table was a dish of 
whitings, and one being put upon his plate, he found it 
smell so strong, that he could not eat a bit of it ; but he 
laid his mouth down to the fish, as if he was whispering 
■with it, and then took up the plate, and put it to his 
own ear. The gentleman, at whose table he was, in- 
quiring into the meaning, he told him, that he had a 
brother lost at sea about a fortnight ago, and he was 
asking that fish if he knew anything of him : And 
what answer made he ? said the gentleman. He told 
me, said he, that he could give no account of him, for 



JOE MILLER'S JESTS. 13 

he had not been at sea these three weeks. — I would not 
have any of my readers apply this story as an unfortu- 
nate gentleman did who had heard it, and was, the next 
day, whispering a rump of beef, at a friend's house. 

64. An English gentleman happening to be in Breck- 
nockshire, he used sometimes to divert himself with 
shooting ; but being suspected not to be qualified by one 
of the little Welch justices, his worship told him, that 
unless he could produce his qualification, he should not 
allow him to shoot there, and he had two little manors. 
Yes, sir, said the Englishman, everybody may perceive 
that. Perceive what ? cried the Welchman : That you 
have too little manners, said the other. 

65. The Chaplain's boy of a man of war, being sent 
out of his own ship of an errand to another, the two 
boys were comparing notes about their manner of liv- 
ing : How often, said one, do you go to prayers now ? 
"Why, answered the other, in case of a storm, or any 
other danger : Ay, said the first, there's some sense in 
that, but my master makes us pray when there is no 
more occasion for it than for my leaping- overboard. 

66. A midshipman, one night, in company with Joe 
Miller and myself, told us, that being once in great dan- 
ger at sea, everybody was observed to be upon their 
knees but one man, who, being called upon to come, 
with the rest of the hands, to prayers : Xot I, said he, 
it is your business to take care of the ship, I am but a 
passenger. 

67. Three or four roguish scholars walking out one 
day from the University of Oxford, spied a poor fellow 
near Abingdon asleep in a ditch, with an ass by him, 
loaded with earthen ware, holding the bridle in his 
hand : says one of the scholars to the rest, If you will 
assist me, I'll help you to a little money, for you know 
we are bare at present. Xo doubt of it they were not 
long consenting. Why, then, said he, we'll go and sell 
this old fellow's ass at Abingdon ; for you know the fair 
is to-morrow, and we shall meet with chapmen enough : 
therefore do you take the panniers off, and put them 







14 joe miller's jests. 

upon my back, and that bridle over my head, and then 
lead you the ass to market, and let me alone with the 
old man. This being done accordingly, in a little time 
after, the poor man awaking, w r as strangely surprised 
to see his ass thus metamorphosed. Oh ! for God's sake, 
said the scholar, take this bridle out of my mouth, and 
this load from my back. Zoons ! how came you here 
replied the old man. Why, said he, my father, who is 
a necromancer, upon an idle thing I did to disoblige 
him, transformed me into an ass ; but now his heart has 
relented, and I am come to my own shape again, I beg 
you will let me go home and thank him. — By all means, 
said the crockery merchant, I do not desire to have any 
thing to do ivith conjuration; and so set the scholar at 
liberty, who went directly to his comrades, that by this 
time were making merry with the money they had sold 
the ass for. But the old fellow was forced to go the 
next day to seek for a new one in the fair ; and after 
having looked on several, his own was shown him for a 
good one. Oh ! said he, what have lie and his father 
quarrelled again already ? No, no, I'll have nothing to 
say to him. 

68. Mr. Congreve going up the water in a boat, one 
of the watermen told him, as they passed by Peter- 
borough House, that that house had sunk a story. No, 
friend, said he, I rather believe it is a story raised. 

69. The aforesaid house, which is the very last in Lon- 
don, one way, being rebuilt, a gentleman asked another, 
Who lived in it? His friend told him, Sir Robert Gros- 
venor. I don't know, said the first, what estate Sir 
Robert has, but he ought to have a very good one ; for 
nobody lives beyond him in the whole town. 

70. Two gentlemen disputing about religion, in But- 
ton's Coffee-house, said one of them, I wonder, sir, you 
should talk of religion, when I'll hold you iive guineas 
you can't say the Lord's Prayer. Done, said the other, 
and Sir Richard Steele shall hold stakes. The money 
being deposited, the gentleman began with, I believe in 
God, and so went cleverly through the Creed. Well, 



JOE MILLER'S jests. 15 

said the other, I own I have lost ; I did not think he 
could have done it. 

71. A certain author was telling Dr. Sewel, that a 
passage he found fault with in his poem might be justi- 
fied, and that he thought it a metaphor : It is such a one, 
said the doctor, as truly I never met-afore. 

72. King Henry VIII. designing to send a nobleman 
on an embassy to Francis I. at a very dangerous junc- 
ture, he begged to be excused, saying, such a threaten- 
ing message to so hot a prince as Francis I. might go 
near to cost him his life. Fear not, said old Harry, if 
the French king should offer to take away your life, I 
would revenge you by taking off the heads of many 
Frenchmen now in my power. But of all those heads, 
replied the nobleman, there may not be one to fit my 
shoulders. 

73. A parson preaching a tiresome sermon on happi- 
ness or bliss ; when he had done, a gentleman told him 
he had forgot one sort of happiness : Happy are they 
that did not hear your sermon. 

74. A country fellow, who was just come to London, 
gaping about in every shop he came to, at last looked 
into a scrivener's, where seeing only one man sitting at 
a desk, he could not imagine what commodity was sold 
there ; but calling to the clerk, Pray, sir, said he, what 
do you sell here ? — Loggerheads, cried the other. Do 
you ? answered the countryman ; egad, then you've a 
special trade ; for I see you have but one left. 

75. Manners, who was himself but lately made Earl 
of Rutland, told Sir Thomas More, He was too much 
elated by his preferment ; that he verified the old pro- 
verb, "Honores mutant Mores." No, my lord, said Sir 
Thomas, the pun will do much better in English, u Hon- 
ors change Manners." 

76. A mayor of Yarmouth, in ancient times, being by 
his office a justice of the peace, and one who was willing 
to dispense the laws wisely, though he could hardly read, 
got him the statute book, where, finding a law against 



16 JOE miller's jests. 

firing a beacon, or causing any beacon to fired, after nine 
of the clock at night ; the poor man read it, frying bacon 
or causing any bacon to be fried ; and accordingly went 
out the next night upon the scent, and being directed by 
his nose to the carrier's house, he found the man and his 
wife both frying of bacon, th«e husband holding the pan 
while the wife turned it ; being thus caught in the fact, 
and having nothing to say for themselves, his worship 
committed them both to jail without bail or mainprize. 

77. The late facetious Mr. Spiller, being at the re- 
hearsal, on a Saturday morning, the time when the 
actors are usually paid, was asking another, Whether 
Mr. Wood, the treasurer of the house, had anything to 
say to them that morning : No, faith, Jemmy, replied 
the other, I'm afraid there's no cole— (which is a cant 
word for money). Then, said Spiller, if there's no cole 
we must burn Wood. 

78. A witty knave coming into a lace shop upon Lud- 
gate Hill, said, he had occasion for a small quantity of 
very fine lace, and having pitched upon that he liked, 
asked the woman of the shop how much she would have 
for as much as could reach from one of his ears to the 
other, and measure which way she pleased, either over 
his head or under his chin. After some words they 
agreed, and he paid the money down, and began to 
measure, saying, One of my ears is here, and the 
other is nailed to the pillory in Bristol, therefore I fear 
you have not enough to make good the bargain ; how- 
ever, I will take this piece in part, and desire you will 
provide the rest with all expedition. 

79. When Sir Cloudesly Shovel set out on his last ex- 
pedition, there was a form of prayer composed by the 
Archbishop of Canterbury, for the success of the fleet, 
in which his grace made use of this unlucky expression, 
That he begged God would be a rock of defence to the 
fleet ; which occasioned the following lines to be made 
upon the monument set up for him in Westminster 
Abbey, he being cast away in that expedition on the 
rocks called The Bishop and his Clerks : 



17 

As Lambeth pray'd, such was the dire event, 
Else had we wanted now this monument ; 
That God unto our fleet would be a rock, 
Nor did kind Heaven the wise petition mock : 
To what the Metropolitan said then, 
The Bishop and his Clerks replied, Amen. 

80. A French marquis, being one day at dinner at the 
late Roger Williams's, the famous punster and publican, 
and boasting of the happy genius of his nation, in pro- 
jecting all the fine modes and fashions, particularly the 
ruffle, which, he said, was de fine ornament to de hand, 
and had been followed by all de oder nations. Roger 
allowed what he said, but observed at the same time, 
That the English, according to custom, had made a 
great improvement upon their invention, by adding the 
shirt to it. 

81. A poor dirty shoe-boy going into a church, one 
Sunday evening, and seeing the parish boys standing in 
a row upon a bench to be catechized, lie gets up himself, 
and stands in the very first place ; so the parson, of 
course beginning with him, asked him, What is your 
name ? Rugged and Tough, answered he ; Who gave 
you that name ? said Domine : Why the boys in our 
alley, replied poor Rugged and Tough. 

82. A prince laughing at one of his courtiers, whom 
lie had employed in several embassies, told him he looked 
like an owl. I know not, answered the courtier, what I 
look like ; but this I know, that I have had the honor 
several times to represent your majesty's person. 

83. A lady's age happening to be questioned, she af- 
firmed she was but forty, and called upon a gentleman 
who was in company, for his opinion : Cousin, said she, 
do you believe I am in the right when I say I am but 
forty ? I am sure, madam, replied he, I ought not to 
dispute it ; for I have constantly heard you say so for 
above these ten years. 

84. A Venetian ambassador, going to the court of 
Rome, passed through Florence, when he went to pay 



18 joe miller's jests. 

his respects to the Duke of Tuscany. The duke com- 
plaining to him of the ambassador the state of Venice 
had sent him, as a man unworthy of his public character. 
Your highness, said he, must not wonder at it, for we 
have many idle pates at Venice. So have we, replied 
the duke, in Florence ; but we do not send them to treat 
of public affairs. 

85. It being proved in a trial at Guildhall, that a 
man's name was really Inch, who pretended it was 
Linch, I see, said the judge, the old proverb is verified 
in this man, who being allowed an Inch has taken an L. 

86. A certain person came to a cardinal in Rome, and 
told him that he had brought his reverence a dainty 
Avhite palfrey, but he fell lame by the way. Saith the 
cardinal to him, I'll tell thee what thou shalt do ; go to 
such a cardinal, and such a one, naming half a dozen, 
and tell them the same ; and so as thy horse, if it had 
been sound, could have pleased but one, with this lame 
horse thou shalt please half a dozen. 

87. The Emperor Augustus being shown a young Gre- 
cian who very much resembled him, asked the young 
man if his mother had not been at Rome — No, sir, an- 
swered the Grecian, but my father has. 

88. Cato, the censor, being asked how it came to pass 
that he had no statue erected for him, who had so well 
deserved of the commonwealth ? I had rather, said he, 
have this question asked, than why I had one. 

89. A lady coming into a room hastily with her man- 
tua brushed down a Cremona fiddle that lay on a chair, 
and broke it ; upon which, a gentleman that was pres- 
ent, burst into this exclamation from Virgil : 

Mantua, vae miserae nimium vicina Cremona? ! 
Ah ! miserable Mantua, too near a neighbour to Cre- 
mona. 

90. A devout gentleman being very earnest in his 
prayers in the church, it happened that a pickpocket, be- 
ing near him, stole away his watch, who, having ended 
his prayers, missed it, and complained to his friend that 



JOE IVTILLER'S JESTS. 19 

his watch was lost while he was at prayers ; to which 
his friend replied, Had you watched as well as prayed, 
your watch had been secure ; adding these following 
lines : 

Pie that a watch will wear, this must he do, 
Pocket his watch, and watch his pocket too. 

91. A lieutenant-colonel to one of the Irish regiments 
in the French service, being dispatched by the Duke of 
Berwick from Fort-Keil to the King of France, with a 
complaint relating to some irregularities that had hap- 
pened in the regiment; his majesty, witli some emotion 
of mind, told him, that the Irish troops gave him more 
uneasiness than all his forces besides. Sir, said the of- 
ficer, all your majesty's enemies make the same com- 
plaint. 

92. Mr. G n, the surgeon, being sent for to a gen- 
tleman who had just received a slight wound in a ren- 
counter, gave orders to his servant to go home with all 
haste imaginable, and fetch a certain plaister ; the patient 
turning a little pale, Lord, sir, said he, I hope there is no 
danger? Yes, indeed, is there, answered the surgeon, 
for if the fellow don't set up a good pair of heels, the 
wound will heal before he returns. 

93. Not many years ago, a certain temporal peer hav- 
ing, in a most pathetic and elegant speech, exposed the 
vices and irregularities of the clergy, and vindicated the 
gentlemen of the army from some imputations unjustly 
laid upon them : A prelate, irritated at the nature, as 
Avell as at the length of the speech, desired to know 
when the noble lord would leave olf preaching ? The 
othev answered, The very day he was made a bishop. 

94. It chanced that a merchant ship was so violently 
tossed in a storm at sea, that all, despairing of safety, 
betook themselves to prayer, saving one mariner, who 
was ever wishing to see two stars : O ! said he, that I 
could but see two stars, or but one of the two ; and of 
these words he made so frequent repetition, that dis- 
turbing the meditations of the rest, at length one asked 
him what two stars, or what one star he meant? To 



20 joe miller's jests. 

whom he replied, O ! that I could but see the Star in 
Cheapside, or the Star in Coleman Street, I care not 
which. 

95. Dr. Heylin, a noted author, especially for his Cos- 
mography, happened to lose his way going to Oxford, in 
the forest of Whichwood, being then attended by one of 
his brother's men, the man earnestly entreated him to 
lead the way; but the doctor telling him he did not 
know it! How, said the fellow, that is very strange, 
that you who have made a book of the whole world, can- 
not find the way out of this little wood. 

96. Monsieur Vaugelas having obtained a pension from 
the French king, on the interest of Cardinal Richelieu, 
the cardinal told him he hoped he would not forget the 
word pension in his dictionary. No, my lord, said Vau- 
gelas, nor the word gratitude. 

97. A melting sermon being preached in a country 
church, all fell a weeping but one man, who being asked 
why he did not weep with the rest ? Oh ! said he, I be- 
long to another parish. 

9S. A gentleman who had been out a shooting, brought 
home a small bird with him, and having an Irish serv- 
ant, he asked him if he had shot that little bird ? Yes, he 
told him. Arrah ! by my shoul, honey, replied the Irish- 
man, it was not worth powder and shot; for this little 
thing would have died in the fall. 

99. An Irishman being at a tavern, where the cook 
was dressing some carp, observed some of them move 
after they were gutted and put into the pan, which very 
much surprising Teague, Well now, faith, said he, of 
ail the Christian creatures that ever I saw, this same 
carp will live the longest after it is dead of any fish. 

100. A young fellow riding down a steep hill, and 
doubting the foot of it was boggish, called out to a clown 
that was ditching, and asked him if it was hard at the 
bottom. Ay, answered the countryman, it is hard 
enough at the bottom, I'll warrant you. But in half a 
dozen steps the horse sunk up to the saddle skirts, which 



joe miller's jests. 21 

made the young gallant whip, spur, curse and swear. 
Why, thou rascal, said he to the ditcher, didst thou not 
tell me it was hard at bottom ? Ay, replied the other, 
but you are not half way to the bottom yet. 

101. It was said of one who remembered everything 
that he lent, but quite forgot what he borrowed, that he 
had lost half his memory. 

102. One speaking of Titus Oates, said, he was a vil- 
lain in grain, and deserved to be well threshed. 

103. It was said of Henry Duke of Guise, that he was 
the greatest usurer in all France, for he had turned all 
his estate into obligations — meaning he had sold and 
mortgaged his patrimony to make presents to other men. 

104. An Englishman and a Welchman disputing in 

whose country was the best living ; said the Welchman, 
There is such noble housekeeping in Wales, that I have 
known above a dozen cooks employed at one wedding 
dinner. Ay, answered the Englishman, that was because 
every man toasted his own cheese. 

105. The late Sir Godfrey Kneller had always a great 
contempt, I will not pretend to say how justly, for Jer- 
vis the painter ; and being one day about twenty miles 
from London, one of his servants told him at dinner, 
that there was Mr. Jervis come that day into the same 
town with a coach and four. Ay, said Sir Godfrey, but 
if his horses draw no better than himself, they will never 
carry him to town again. 

106. A gentleman asked Xanny Rochford why the 
Whigs, in their mourning for Queen Anne, all wore silk 
stockings ? Because, says she, the Tories were worsted. 

107. A counsellor pleading at the bar with spectacles 
on, who was blind with one eye, said he would produce 
nothing but what was ad rem. Then, said one of the 
adverse party, you must take out one glass of your spec- 
tacles, which I am sure is of no use. 

108. The famous Tom Thynne, who was very remark- 
able for his good housekeeping and hospitality, standing 



22 joe miller's jests. 

one day at his gate in the country, a beggar coming up 
to him cried, He begged his worship would give him a 
mug of his small beer. Why, how now, said he, what 
times are these, when beggars must be choosers ! I say, 
bring this fellow a mug of strong beer. 

109. It was said of a person, who always ate at other 
people's tables, and was a great railer, that he never 
opened his mouth but to somebody's cost. 

110. Pope Sixtus Quintus, who was a poor man's son, 
and his father's house ill thatched, so that the sun came 
in at many places of it, would himself make a jest of his 
birth, and say, That he was nato di casa illustre. 

111. Diogenes begging, as was the custom among 
many philosophers, asked a prodigal man for more than 
any one else ; whereupon one said to him, I see your 
business, that when you find a liberal mind, you will 
make the most of him. No, said Diogenes, but I mean 
to beg of the rest again. 

112. Dr. Sewel, and two or three more gentlemen, 
walking towards Hampstead on a summer's day, were 
met by the famous Daniel Purcell, who was very impor- 
tunate with them to know upon \vhat account they were 
going there. The doctor merrily answering him, To 
make hay. Very well, replied the other, you will be 
there at a very convenient season, the country wants 
rakes. 

113. A gentleman speaking of his servant said, I be- 
lieve I command more than any man ; for before my 
servant will obey me in one thing, I must command him 
ten times over. 

114. A poor fellow who was carrying to execution, 
had a reprieve just as he came to the gallows, and was 
carried back by a sheriff's officer, who told him he was 
a happy fellow, and asked him if he knew nothing of the 
reprieve beforehand ? No, replied the fellow, nor thought 
any more of it than I did of my dying day. 

115. A countryman admiring the stately fabric of 
St. Paul's, asked, whether it was made in England, or 
brought from beyond sea ? 



JOE MILLER'S JESTS. 23 

116. Fabricius, the Roman consul, showed a great 
nobleness of mind, when the physician of King Pyrrhus 
made him a proposal to poison his master, by sending 
the physician back to Pyrrhus, with these memorable 
worcls ; Learn, O king, to make better choice both of thy 
friends and of thy foes. 

117. A soldier was bragging before Julius Caesar of 
the wounds he had received in his face. Caesar, know- 
ing him to be a coward, told him he had best take heed 
the next time he ran away, how he looked back. 

118. The Trojans sending ambassadors to condole with 
Tiberius, upon the death of his father-in-law, Augustus, 
it was so long after, that the emperor hardly thought it 
a compliment ; but told them he was likewise sorry that 
they had lost so valiant a knight as Hector [slain above 
a thousand years before]. 

119. Cato Major used to say, That wise men learnt 
more from fools, than fools from wise men. 

120. A braggadocio chancing, upon an occasion, to 
run away full speed, was asked by one, What was be- 
come of that courage he used so much to talk of? It is 
got, said he, all into my heels. 

121. Somebody asked my Lord Bacon what bethought 
of poets ? Why, said he, I think them the very best 
writers next to those who write in prose. 

122. A profligate young nobleman, being in company 
with some sober people, desired leave to toast the devil. 
The gentleman, who sat next to him, said, He had no 
objection to any of his lordship's friends. 

123. A Scotsman was very angry with an English 
gentleman, who, he said, had abused him, and called him, 
false Scot. Indeed, said the Englishman, I said no such 
thing, but that you were a true Scot. 

124. The late Commissary-General G — ley, who once 
kept a glass-shop, having Colonel P — c — k's regiment 
under a muster, made great complaints of the men's ap- 
pearance, &c., and said that the regiment ought to be 



24 joe miller's jests. 

broke. Then, sir, said the Colonel, perhaps you think a 
regiment is as soon broke as a looking-glass. 

125. Curll, the bookseller, being under examination at 
the bar of the House of Lords, for publishing the post- 
humous works of the late Duke of Buckingham, with- 
out leave of the family, told their Lordships in his de- 
fence, That if the duke was living, he was sure he would 
readily pardon the offence. 

126. Mr. E — 11 — s, the painter, having finished a very 
good picture of Figg, the prize-fighter, who had been 
famous in getting the better of several Irishmen of the 
same profession, the piece was shown to old Johnson the 
player, who was told at the same time, that Mr. E — 11 — s 
designed to have a mezzotinto print taken from it, but 
wanted a motto to be put under it. Then, said old John- 
son, I'll give you one : A Fig for the Irish. 

127. A gentleman coming to an inn in Smithfield, and 
seeing the ostler expert and tractable about the horses, 
asked how long he had lived there, and what country- 
man he was ? I'se Yorkshire, said the fellow, and ha' 
lived sixteen years here. I wonder, replied the gentle- 
man, that, in so long a time, so clever a fellow as you 
seem to be, have not come to be master of the inn your- 
self. Ay, answered the ostler, but maister's Yorkshire 
too. 

128. The late Colonel Chartres, reflecting on his ill 
life and character, told a certain nobleman, that if such 
a thing as a good name was to be purchased, he would 
freely give 10,000?. for one. The nobleman said, it would 
certainly be the worst money he ever laid out in his 
life. Why so? said the honest Colonel. Because, an- 
swered the lord, you would forfeit it again in less than a 
week. 

129. A seedy, poor, half-pay captain, who was much 
given to blabbing everything he heard, was told, There 
was but one secret in the world he could keep, and that 
was, where he lodged. 

130. Jack M — n going one day into the apartments in 



JOE MILLER'S JESTS. 25 

St. James's, found a lady of his acquaintance sitting in 
one of the windows, who very courteously asked him to 
sit down by her, telling him there was a place. Xo, 
madam, said he, I do not come to court for a place. 
If the gentle reader should have a desire to repeat this 
story, let him not make the same blunder that a certain 
English-Irish foolish lord did, who made the lady ask 
Jack to sit down by her, telling him there was room. 

131. A certain lady of quality sending her Irish foot- 
man to fetch home a pair of new stays, strictly charged 
him to take coach if it rained, for fear of wetting them : 
but a great shower of rain falling, the fellow returned 
with the stays dropping wet ; and being severely repri- 
manded for not doing as he was ordered to do, he said, 
he had obeyed her orders. How then, answered the 
lady, could the stays be wet, if you took them into the 
coach with you? Xo, replied Teague, I knew my place 
better, I did not go into the coach, but rode behind, as I 
always used to do. 

132. Tom Warner, the late publisher of newspapers 
and pamphlets, being very near his end, a gentlewoman 
in the neighbourhood sending her maid to inquire how 
he did ? he bid the girl tell her mistress, That he hoped 
he was going to the new Jerusalem. Ay, dear sir, said 
she, I dare say the air of Islington would do you more 
good. 

133. The deputies of Rochelle attending to speak 
with Henry the Fourth of France, met with a physician 
who had renounced the Protestant religion, and em- 
braced the Popish communion, whom they began to re- 
vile most grievously. The king, hearing of it, told the 
deputies, he advised them to change their religion too ; 
for it is a dangerous symptom, said he, that your relig- 
ion is not long lived, when a physician has given it over. 

134. Two Oxford scholars meeting on the road with a 
Yorkshire ostler, they fell to bantering him, and told the 
fellow that they would prove him to be a horse or an 
ass. Well, said the ostler, and I can prove your saddle 
to be a mule. A mule! cried one of them, how can 



26 

that be ? Because, said the ostler, it is something be- 
tween a horse and an ass. 

135. A Frenchman travelling between Dover and 
London, came into an inn to lodge, when the host, per- 
ceiving him a close-fis*ted cur, having called for nothing 
but a pint of beer and a pennyworth of bread, to eat 
with a salad he gathered by the way, resolved to fit him 
for it, therefore seemed to pay him an extraordinary re- 
spect, laid him a clean cloth for supper, and compliment- 
ed him with the best bed in the house. In the morning 
he set a good salad before him, with cold meat, butter, 
&c, which provoked the monsieur to the generosity of 
calling for half-a-pint of wine ; then coming to pay, the 
host gave him a bill, which, for the best bed, wine, salad, 
and other appurtenances, he had enhanced to the value 
of twenty shillings. Jernie, says the Frenchman, twen- 
ty shillings ! Vat you mean ? But all his spluttering 
was in vain ; for the host, with a great deal of tavern 
elocution, made him sensible nothing could be abated. 
The monsieur, therefore, seeing no remedy but patience, 
seemed to pay it cheerfully. After which, he told the 
host, that his house being extremely troubled with rats, 
he could give him a receipt to drive them away, so as 
they should never return again. The host being very 
desirous to be rid of those troublesome guests, who 
were every day doing him one mischief or another, at 
length concluded to give monsieur twenty shillings for a 
receipt : which done, Big-gar, says the monsieur, you 
make a de rat one such bill as you make me, and if ever 
dey trouble your house again, me will be hang. 

136. A Westminster justice taking coach in the city, 
and being set down at Youngman's Coffee-house, Char- 
ing Cross, the driver demanded eighteenpence as his 
fare, the justice asked him if he would swear the ground 
came to the money. The man said, He would take his 
oath on't. The justice replied, Friend, I'm a magis- 
trate ; and pulling the book out of his pocket, adminis- 
tered the oath, and then gave the fellow sixpence, saying, 
he must reserve the shilling to himself for the affidavit. 



joe miller's jests. 27 

137. A countryman passing along the Strand, saw a 
coach overturned, and asking what the matter was, he 
was told, That three or four members of parliament 
were overturned in that coach. Oh ! says he, there let 
them lie ; my father always advised me not to meddle 
with state affairs. 

138. One saying that Mr. Dennis was an excellent 
critic, was answered, That indeed his writings were 
much to be valued ; for that by his criticism, he taught 
men how to write well ; and by his poetry showed them 
what it was to. write ill ; so that the world was sure to 
edify by him. 

139. One going to see a friend who had lain a consid- 
erable time in the Marshalsea prison, in a starving con- 
dition, was persuading him, rather than lie there in that 
miserable case, to go to sea ; which not agreeing with 
his high spirit, I thank you for your advice, replied the 
prisoner, but if I go to sea, I'm resolved it shall be upon 
good ground. 

140. A drunken fellow carrying his wife's bible to 
pawn for a quartern of gin, to an ale-house, the man of 
the house refused to take it. What, said the fellow, 
will neither my word nor the word of God pass with 
you? 

141. A certain Justice of the Peace not far from 
Clerkenwell, in the first year of King George the First, 
when his clerk was reading a mittimus to him, coming 
to Anno Domini 1714, he cried out with some warmth, 
And why not Georgio Domini ? sure, you forget your- 
self strangely. 

142. A certain nobleman, a courtier, in the beginning 
of the late reign, coming out of the House of Lords, 
accosted the Duke of Buckingham, with, How does 
your pot boil, my lord, these troublesome times ? To 
which his grace replied, I never go into my kitchen, but 
I dare say the scum is uppermost. 

143. The Lord North and Grey being once at an as- 
sembly at the Theatre Royal in the Haymarket, was 



28 joe miller's jests. 

pleased to tell Mr. Heidigger, he would make him a 
present of 100£, if he could produce an uglier face in 
the whole kingdom, than his, the said Heidigger's, within 
a year and a day. Mr. Heidigger went instantly and 
fetched a looking-glass, and presented it to his lordship, 
saying, He did not doubt but that his lordship had 
honour enough to keep his promise. 

144. A person who had an immeasurable stomach, 
coming to a cook-shop to dine, said, it was not his way 
to have his meat cut, but to pay 8 d. for his ordinary ; 
which the cook seemed to think reasonable enough, and 
so set a shoulder of mutton before him of a half-crown 
price, to cut where he pleased ; with which he so played 
the cormorant, that he devoured all but the bone, paid 
his ordinary and trooped off. The next time he came, 
the cook casting a sheep's-eye at him, desired him to 
agree for his victual, for he'd have no more ordinaries. 
Why ? says he, I am sure I paid you an ordinary price. 

145. The extravagant Duke of Buckingham (Villiers) 
once said in a melancholy humour, he was afraid he 
should die a beggar, which was the most terrible thing 
in the world ; upon which a friend of his grace replied, 
No, my lord, there is a more terrible thing than that, 
and which you have reason to fear, and that is, that you 
will live a beggar. 

146. The same noble Duke, another time, was making 
his complaint to Sir John Cutler, a rich miser, of the dis- 
order of his affairs, and asked him what he should do to 
prevent the ruin of his estate ? Live as I do, my lord, 
said Sir John. That I can do, answered the duke, when 
I am ruined. 

147. At another time a person who had long been a 
dependant on His Grace, begged his interest for him at 
court ; and to press the thing more home upon the 
duke, said, he had nobody to depend upon but God and 
His Grace. Then, said the duke, you are in a miserable 
way ; for you could not have pitched upon any two per- 
sons who have less interest at court. 



joe miller's jests. 29 

148. The old Lord Strangforcl taking a bottle with the 
parson of the parish, was commending his own wine : 
Here, doctor, said he, I can send a couple of ho-ho- 
houncls to Fra-Fra-France (for his lordship had a great 
impediment in his speech) and have a ho-ho-hogs-head 
of this wine for them : What do you say to that, doc- 
tor? Why, replied he, I say, that your lordship has 
your wine dog cheap. 

14$. The' famous Jack Ogle of facetious memory, 
having borrowed on note five pounds, and failing the 
payment, the gentleman who had lent it, indiscreetly 
took occasion to talk of it in the public coffee-house, 
which obliged Jack to take notice of it, so that it came 
to a challenge. Being got into the field, the gentleman, 
a little tender in point of courage, offered him the note 
to make the matter up, to which our hero consented 
readily, and had the note delivered. But now, said the 
gentleman, if we should return without fighting, our 
companions will laugh at us ; therefore, let's give one 
another a slight scar, and say we wounded one another. 
With all my heart, says Jack ; come, I'll wound you 
first; so drawing his sword, he whipt it through the 
fleshy part of his antagonist's arm, till he brought the 
very tears in his eyes. This being done, and the wound 
tied up with a handkerchief: Come, said the gentleman, 
where shall I wound you ? Jack putting himself in a 
fighting posture, cried, Where you can, good sir. Well, 
well, said the other, I can swear I received this wound 
of you ; and so marched off contentedly. 

150. A traveller coming into an inn once, on a very cold 
night, stood so near the fire that he burned his boots. 
An arch rogue that sat in the chimney corner, cabled out 
to him, Sir, you'll burn your spurs presently. My boots 
you mean, I suppose ? No, sir, said he, they are burned 
already. 

151. In eighty-eight, when Queen Elizabeth went from 
Temple Bar along Fleet Street, on some procession, the 
lawyers were ranged on one side of the way, and the 
citizens on the other ; says the Lord Bacon, then a stu- 



30 JfOE MItLER's JESTS. 

dent, to a lawyer that stood next to him, Do but observe 
the courtiers ; if they bow first to the citizens, they are 
in debt ; if to us, they are in law. 

152. Some gentlemen having a hare for supper at a 
tavern, the cook, instead of a pudding, had crammed 
the belly full of thyme, but had not above half roasted 
the hare, the legs being almost raw ; which one of the 
company observing, said, There was too much thyme 
(time) in the belly, and too little in the legs.* 

153. Two countrymen, who had never seen a play in 
their lives, nor had any notion of it, went to the theatre 
in Drury Lane, when they placed themselves snug in the 
corner of the middle gallery ; the first music played, 
which they liked well enough ; then the second and 
third, to their great satisfaction : at length the curtain 
drew up, and three or four actors entered to begin the 
play ; upon which one of the countrymen cried to the 
other, Come, Hodge, let's be going, mayhap the gentle- 
men are talking about business. 

154. A countryman sowing his ground, two smart fel- 
lows riding that way, called to him with an insolent air, 
Well, honest fellow, said one of them, 'tis your business 
to sow, but we reap the fruits of your labour. To 
which the countryman replied, 'Tis very likely you may, 
truly ; for I am sowing hemp. 

155. Two inseparable comrades who rode in the 
guards in Flanders, had everything in common between 
them. One of them being an extravagant fellow, and 
unfit to be trusted with money, the other was always 
purse-bearer, which yet he gained little by, for the for- 
mer would at night frequently pick his pocket to the last 
stiver ; to prevent which, he bethought himself of a 
stratagem ; and coming among his companions the next 
day, he told them he had bit his comrade. Ah, how ? 
said they. Why, replied he, I hid^my money in his own 
pocket last night, and I was sure he would never look 
for it there. 

156. The famous Sir George Rook, when he was a 
captain in the marines, was quartered at a village where 



joe miller's jests. 31 

he buried a pretty many of his men ; at length the par- 
son refused to perform the ceremony of their interment 
unless he was paid for it ; which being told Captain 
Rook, he ordered six men of his company to carry the 
corpse of the soldier then dead, and lay him upon the 
parson's hall-table. This so embarrassed the parson, 
that he sent the captain word, if he would fetch the man 
away, he would bury him and all his company for noth- 
ing. ■ 

157. A reverend and charitable divine, for the benefit 
of the country where he resided, caused a large cause- 
way to be begun ; and as he was one day overlooking 
the work, a certain nobleman came by : Well, doctor, 
said he, for all your great pains and charity, I don't take 
this to be the highway to heaven. Very true, replied 
the doctor, for if it had, I should have wondered to 
have met your lordship here. 

158. Two Jesuits having packed together an innume- 
rable parcel of miraculous lies, a person who heard 
them, without taking upon him to contradict them, told 
them one of his own : That at ^t. Alban's there was a 
stone cistern, in which water was always preserved for 
the use of that saint, and that ever since, if a swine 
should drink out of it, he would instantly die. The Jes- 
uits, hugging themselves at the story, set out the next 
day to St. Alban's, where they found themselves misera- 
bly deceived. On their return, they upbraided the per- 
son with telling them so monstrous a story. Look you 
there now, said he, you told me a hundred lies t'other 
night, and I had more breeding than to contradict you : 
I told you but one, and you have rid twenty miles to 
confute me, which is very uncivil. 

159. A Welohman and an Englishman vapouring one 
day at the fruitfulness of their countries, the English- 
man said, there was a close near the town where he was 
born, which was so very fertile, that if a kiboo was 
thrown in overnight, it would be so covered with grass 
that it should be difficult to find it the next day. Splut, 
said the Welchman, what's that ? There's a close where 



32 JOE miller's jests. 

hur was born, where you may put your horse in over- 
night, and not be able to find him next morning. 

160. A country fellow in Charles the Second's time, 
selling his load of hay in the Haymarket, two gentlemen 
who came out of the Blue Posts, were talking of affairs ; 
one said, that things did not go right, the king had been 
at the house and prorogued the parliament. The coun- 
tryman coming home, was asked, What news in London ? 
Odd's heart, said he, there's something to do there, the 
king has, it seems, berogued the parliament sadly. 

161. A wild young gentleman having married a very 
discreet, virtuous young lady, the better to reclaim him, 
she caused it to be given out at his return that she was 
dead, and had been buried. In the meantime, she had 
so placed herself in disguise, as to be able to observe 
how he took the news ; and finding him still the gay, in- 
constant man he always had been, she appeared to him 
as the ghost of herself, at which he seemed not at all 
dismayed; at length, disclosing herself to him, he then 
appeared pretty much surprised ; a person by said, Why, 
sir, you seem more afraid now than before ! Ay, re- 
plied he, most men are more afraid of a living wife than 
of a dead one. 

162. An under officer of the Customs at the port of 
Liverpool, running heedlessly along the ship's gunnel, 
happened to tip overboard, and was drowned; being 
soon after taken up, the coroner's jury was summoned 
to sit upon the body. One of the jurymen returning 
home, was called to by an alderman of the town, and 
asked, what verdict they brought in, and whether they 
found it felo cle se? Ay, ay, says the juryman, shaking 
his noddle, he fell into the sea, sure enough. 

163. One losing a bag of money of about 50£. between 
the Temple Gate and Temple Bar, fixed a paper up, of- 
fering \0l. reward to those who took it up, and should 
return it ; upon which the person that had it, came and 
writ underneath to the following effect : Sir, I thank 
you, but you bid me to my loss. 

164. Two brothers coming: to be executed once for 



joe miller's jests. 33 

some enormous crime, the eldest was turned off first, 
without speaking one word ; the other mounting the 
ladder, began to harangue the crowd, whose ears were 
attentively open to hear him, expecting some confes- 
sion from him. Good people, says he, my brother hangs 
before my face, and you see what a lamentable spectacle 
he makes ; in a few moments I shall be turned off too, 
and then you will see a pair of spectacles. 

165. It was an usual saying of King Charles II., that sail- 
ors got their money like horses, and spent it like asses. 
The following story is somewhat an instance of it ; one 
sailor coming to see another on pay-day, desired to 
borrow twenty shillings of him. The monied man fell to 
telling out the sum in shillings, but a half-crown thrusting 
its head in, put him out, and he began to tell again ; but 
then an impertinent crown-piece was as officious as his 
half brother had been, and again interrupted the tale ; 
so that taking up a handful of silver, he cried, Here, 
Jack, give me a handful when your ship's paid ; what 
signifies counting it ? 

166. A person inquiring what became of Such-a-one ? 
Oh, dear, says one of the company, poor fellow, he died 
insolvent, and was buried by the parish. Died insol- 
vent ! cries another, that's a lie, for he died in England : 
I am sure, I was at his burying. 

167. A humorous countryman having bought a barn in 
partnership with a neighbor of his, neglected to make the 
least use of it, whilst the other had plentifully stored his 
part with corn and hay. In a little time the latter came 
to him, and conscientiously expostulated with him about 
laying out his money so fruitlessly. Pray neighbour, 
says lie, ne'er trouble your head, you may do what you 
will with your part of the barn, but I will set mine o' 
fire. 

168. A young gentlewoman, who had married a very 
wild spark, that had run through a plentiful fortune, and 
was reduced to some straits, was innocently saying to 
him one day, My dear, I want some shifts sadly. How 
can that be ? replied he, when we make so many every 
day. 



34 joe miller's jests. 

169. A fellow once standing in the pillory at Temple 
Bar, it occasioned a stop, so that a carman with a load 
of cheeses had much ado to pass ; and driving just up 
to the pillory, he was asked, What that was that was 
writ over the person's head ? They told him, it was a 
paper to signify his crime, that he stood for forgery. 
Ay ! said he, What is forgery? They answered him, 
That forgery was counterfeiting another's hand, with in- 
tent to cheat people. To which the carman replied, 
looking up at the offender, Oh, this comes of your writ- 
ing and reading, you silly dog. 

170. When the Prince of Orange came over, five of 
the seven bishops who were sent to the Tower, declared 
for his highness, and the two others would not come 
into measures ; upon which, Mr. Dry den said, that the 
seven Golden Candlesticks were sent to be assayed at 
the Tower, and five of them proved to be prince's metal. 

171. A dog coming open-mouthed at a Serjeant on a 
march, he ran the spear of his halbert into his throat and 
killed him. The owner coming out, raved extremely 
that his dog was killed, and asked the Serjeant, Why he 
could not as well have struck at him with the blunt end 
of the halbert ? So I would, said he, if he had run at 
me with his tail. 

172. King Charles II. being in company with Lord 
Rochester and others of the nobility, who had been 
drinking best part of the night, Killigrew came in. 
Now, says the king, we shall hear of our faults. No, 
faith, says Killigrew, I don't care to trouble my head 
with that which all the town talks of. 

173. One, who had been a very termagant wife, lying 
on her death-bed, desired her husband, That as she 
had brought him a fortune, she might have liberty to 
make her will, for bestowing a few legacies to her rela- 
tions. No, madam, says he, you have had your will all 
your lifetime, and now I will have mine. 

174. When the Lord Jeffries, before he was a judge, 
was pleading at the bar once, a country fellow giving 



JOE MILLER'S JESTS. 35 

evidence against his client, pushed the matter very home 
on the side he swore of. Jeffries, after his usual way, 
called out to the fellow, Hark you, you fellow in the 
leather doublet, what have you for swearing ? To which 
the countryman smartly replied, Faith, sir, if you have 
no more for lying than I have for swearing, you may go 
in a leather doublet too. 

175. The same Jeffries afterward on the bench, told 
an old fellow with a long beard, that he supposed he had 
a conscience as long as his beard. Does your lordship, 
replied the old man, measure consciences by beards ? If 
so, your lordship has no beard at all. 

176. Apelles, the famous painter, having drawn the 
picture of Alexander the Great on horseback, brought it 
and presented it to the prince ; but he not bestowing that 
praise on it which so excellent a piece deserved, Aj^elles 
desired a living horse might be brought ; who, moved 
by nature, fell a prancing and neighing, as though it had 
been actually a living creature of the same species ; 
whereupon Apelles told Alexander, That his horse un- 
derstood painting better than himself. 

177. A company of gamesters falling out at a tavern, 
gave one another very scurvy language ; at length, those 
dreadful messengers of anger, the bottles and glasses, 
flew about like hail shot ; one of which mistaking its er- 
rand, and hitting the wainscot instead of the person's 
head it was thrown at, brought the drawer rushing in, 
who cried, D'ye call, gentlemen ? Call gentlemen, said 
one of the standers by, no, they don't call gentlemen, but 
they call one another rogue and rascal as fast as they 
can. 

178. One observing a crooked fellow in close argu- 
ment with another, who would have dissuaded him from 
some inconsiderable resolution, said to his friend, Prithee 
let him alone, and say no more to him, you see he's bent 
upon it. 

179. Bully Dawson was overturned in a hackney- 
coach once, pretty near his lodgings, and being got on 



8fi joe miller's jests. 

his legs again, he said, 'Twas the greatest piece of provi- 
dence that ever befell him, for it had saved him the trou- 
ble of bilking the coachman. 

180. Sir Godfrey Kneller and the late Dr. Ratcliffe 
had a garden in common, with a common gate : Sir God- 
frey upon some occasion, ordered the gate to be nailed 
up. When the doctor heard of it, he said he did not 
care what Sir Godfrey did to the gate, so he did not 
paint it. This being told Sir Godfrey, he replied he 
would take that, or anything else, from his good friend 
Dr. Ratcliffe, but his physic. 

181. A certain worthy gentleman having among his 
friends the nickname of Bos, which was a kind of con- 
traction of his real name ; when his late majesty confer- 
red the honour of a peerage upon him, a pamphlet was 
soon after published, with many sarcastical jokes upon 
him, and had this part of a line from Horace as a motto, 
viz., " Optat epipipa BosP My lord asked a friend 
who could read Latin, What that meant ? It is as much 
as to say, my lord, said he, that you become honours as 
a sow does a saddle. Oh ! very fine ! said my lord. Soon 
after, another friend coming to see him, the pamphlet 
was again spoken of. I would, says my lord, give five 
hundred pounds to know the author of it. I don't know 
the author of the pamphlet, said his friend, but I know 
who wrote the motto. Ay, cried my lord, prithee who 
was it? Horace, answered the other. How, replied 
his lordship, a dirty dog, is that the return he makes for 
all the services I have done him and his brother ? 

182. In the great dispute between South and Sherlock, 
the former, who was a great courtier, said, His adversary 
reasoned well, but he barked like a cur. To which the 
other replied, That fawning was the property of a cur as 
well as barking. 

183. Second thoughts, we commonly say, are best, and 
young women, who pretend to be averse to marriage, 
desire not to be taken at their words. One asking a 
girl, If she would have him ? Faith, no, John, says she, 
but you may have me, if you wilL 



joe miller's jests. 37 

1 84. A gentleman lying on his death-bed, called to his 
coachman, who had been an old servant, and said, Ah, 
Tom, I am going a long and rugged journey, worse than 
ever you drove me. Oh, dear sir, replied the fellow, 
(he having been but an indifferent master to him,) ne'er 
let that discourage you, for it is all down hill. 

185. An honest bluff country farmer, meeting the par- 
son of the parish in a bye lane, and not giving him the 
way so readily as he expected, the parson with an erect- 
ed crest, told him he was better fed than taught. Very 
true, indeed, sir, replied the farmer, for you teach me, 
and I feed myself. 

186. One making a furious assault upon a hot apple 
pie, burned his mouth until the tears ran down, his friend 
asked him, Why he wept ? Only, said he, because it is 
just come into my mind, that my grandmother died this 
day twelvemonth. Phoo, said the other, is that all ? so 
whipping a large piece into his mouth, he quickly sym- 
pathized with his companion ; who seeing his eyes brim 
full, with a malicious sneer, asked him why he wept ? 
Because you were not hanged the same day your grand- 
mother died. 

187. A lady who had married a gentleman that was a 
tolerable poet, one day sitting alone with him, she 
said, Come, my dear, you write upon other people, 
prithee write something for me ; let me see what epitaph 
you'll bestow upon me when I die. Oh, my dear, re- 
plied he, that's a melancholy subject, prithee don't think 
of it. Xay, upon my life vou shall, adds she. Come, 
I'll begin- 
Here lies Bid- 
To which he answered, 

Ah ! I wish she did. 

188. A cowardly servant having been hunting with 
his lord, they had killed a wild boar ; the fellow seeing 
the boar stir, betook himself to a tree ; upon which his 
master called to him, and asked him What he was afraid 
of? the boar's guts are out. No matter for that, said 
he, his teeth are in. 



38 joe miller's jests. 

189. One telling another that he had once so excellent 
a gun, that it went off immediately upon a thief 's coming 
into the house, although it was not charged. How the 
devil can that be ? said the other. Because, said the 
first, the thief carried it oft ; and what was worse, before 
I had time to charge him with it. 

190. Some gentlemen coming out of a tavern pretty 
merry, a link-boy cried, Have a light, gentlemen ? Light 
yourself to the devil, you dog, said one of the company. 
Bless you, master, replied the boy, we can find the way 
in the dark ; shall we light your worship thither ? 

191. A person was once tried at Kingston before the 
late Lord Chief Justice Holt, for having two wives, where 
one Unit Avas to have been the chief evidence against 
him. After much calling for him, word was brought that 
they could hear nothing of him. No ! says his lordship, 
why then, all I can say is, Mr. Unit stands for a cipher. 

192. It is certainly the most transcendent pleasure to 
be agreeably surprised with the confession of love from 
an adored mistress. A young gentleman, after a very 
great misfortune, came to his mistress, and told her, lie 
was reduced even to the want of five guineas. To which 
she replied, I am glad of it, with all my heart. Are you 
so, madam ? adds he, suspecting her constancy : Pray, 
why so ? Because, said she, I can furnish you with five 
thousand. 

193. On a public night of rejoicing, when bonfires and 
illuminations were made, some honest fellows were drink- 
ing the king's health, and prosperity to England as long 
as the sun and moon endured. Ay, says one, and 500 
years after, for I have put both my sons apprentices to a 
tallow-chandler. 

194. A young fellow having made an end of all he had, 
even to his last suit of clothes, one said to him, [Now, I 
hope, you'll own yourself a happy man, for you have made 
an end of all your cares. How so ? said the gentleman. 
Because, said the other, you have nothing left to take 
care of. 



JOE MILLEB'S JESTS. 39 

195. Dr. Lloyd, Bishop of Worcester, so eminent for 
his prophecies, when by his solicitations and compliance 
at court, he got removed from a poor Welsh bishopric, 
to a rich English one, a reverend Dean of the church 
said, that he found his brother Llovd spelt prophet with 
an/. 

196. Some years ago, when his majesty used to hunt 
frequently in Richmond Park, it brought such crowds of 
people thither, that orders were given to admit none, 
when the king was there himself, but the servants of his 
household. A fat country parson having on one of these 
days a great inclination to make one of the company, 
Captain B — d — ns promised to introduce him; but com- 
ing to the gate, the keepers would have stopped him, by 
telling him that none but the household Avere to be ad- 
mitted. Why, said the captain, don't you know the gen- 
tleman ? He's his majesty's hunting chaplain. Upon 
which, the keepers asked pardon, and left the reverend 
gentleman to his recreation. 

197. The learned Mr. Charles Barnard, serjeant-sur- 
geon to Queen Anne, being very severe upon parsons 
having pluralities, a reverend and worthy divine heard 
him a good while with patience, but at length took him 
up with this question: Why do you, Mr. Serjeant Barn- 
ard, rail thus at pluralities, who have always so many 
fine cures upon your hands ? 

198. A worthy old gentleman in the country having 
employed an attorney, of whom lie had a pretty good 
opinion, to do some law business for him in London, he 
was greatly surprised, on his coming to town, and de- 
manding his bill of law charges, to find that it amounted 
to at least three times the sum he expected ; the honest 
attorney assured him, that there was no article in his 
bill, but what was fair and reasonable. Xay, said the 
country gentleman, there's one of them I am sure cannot 
be so, for you have set down three shillings and four- 
pence for going to Southwark, when none of my busi- 
ness lay that w^ay ; pray, what is the meaning of that, 
sir ? Oh, sir, said he, that was for fetching the chine 



40 joe miller's jests. 

and turkey from the carrier's that you sent me for a pres- 
ent out of the country. 

~T99. A gentleman going into a meeting-house, and 
stumbling over one of the forms that were set there, cried 
out in a passion, Who expected set forms in a meeting- 
house ? 

200. My Lord Chief Justice Jeffries had a cause before 
him between a Jew that was plaintiff, and a Christian 
defendant. The latter pleaded, though the debt was very 
just, that the Jew had no right, by the laws of England, 
to bring an action. Well, says my lord, have you no 
other plea ? No, my lord, says he, I insist on this plea. 
Do you ? said my lord, then let me tell you, you are the 
greater Jew of the two. 

201. A butcher in Smithfield, that lay on his death- 
bed, said to his wife, My dear, I am not a man for this 
world, therefore I advise you to marry our man John. 
Oh, dear husband, said she, if that's all, never let it 
trouble you, for John and I have agreed that matter 
already. 

202. A gentleman having bespoke a supper at an inn, 
desired his landlord to sup with him. The host came up, 
and thinking to pay a greater compliment than ordinary 
to his guest, pretended to find fault with the laying the 
cloth, and took the plates and knives, and threw them 
down stairs. The gentleman resolving not to balk his 
humour, threw the bottles and glasses down also ; at 
which the host being surprised, inquired the reason of 
his so doing. Nay, nothing, replied the gentleman ; but 
when I saw you throw the plates and knives down stairs, 
I thought you had a mind to sup below. 

203. A philosopher carrying something hid under his 
cloak, an impertinent person asked him what he had un- 
der his cloak? To which the philosopher answered, I 
carry it there that you might not know. 

204. When his late majesty, in coming from Holland, 
happened to meet with a violent storm at sea, the captain 
of the yacht cried to the chaplain, In five minutes more, 



JOE MILLER'S JESTS. 41 

doctor, we shall be with the Lord. The Lord forbid, 
answered the doctor. 

205. A gentleman, who had been a great traveller, 
wonid oftentimes talk so extravagantly of the wonderful 
things he had seen abroad, that a friend of his took 
notice to him of his exposing himself as he did to all com- 
panies, and asked him the meaning of it ? Why, says 
the traveller, I have got such a habit of lying since I 
have been abroad, that I really hardly know when I lie, 
and when I speak truth ; and should be very much 
obliged to you, if you would tread upon my toe at any 
time when I am likely to give myself too much liberty 
that way. His friend promised he would ; and accord- 
ingly, not long after, being at a tavern with him and 
other company, when the traveller was, amongst other 
strange things, giving an account of a church he had seen 
in Italy, that was above two miles long, lie trod on his 
toe, just as one of the company had asked, How broad 
that same church might be ? Oh, said he, not above two 
feet. Upon which, the company bursting into a loud 
laugh ; Zounds, said he, if you had not trod upon my 
toe, I should have made it as broad as it was long. 

206. A justice of peace seeing a parson on a very 
stately horse, riding between London and ILimpstead, 
said to some gentlemen who were with him, Do you see 
what a beautiful horse that proud parson has got ? I'll 
banter him a little. Doctor, said he, you don't follow 
the example of your great master, who was humbly con- 
tent to ride upon an ass. Why really, sir, replied the 
parson, the king has made so many asses justices, that 
an honest clergyman can hardly find one to ride, if he 
had a mind to. 

207. The Duchess of Xewcastle, who wrote plays and 
romances, in King Charles the Second's time, asked 
Bishop Wilkins, How she conld get up to the world in 
the moon, which he had discovered ; for as the journey 
must needs be very long, there Avould be no possibility 
of going through it, without resting on the way ? Oh, 
madam, said the bishop, your grace has built so many 



42 joe miller's jests. 

castles in the air, that you can never want a place to 
bait at. 

208. A rich farmer's son, who had been bred at the 
University, coming home to visit his father and mother, 
they being one night at supper on a couple of fowls, he 
told them, that by Logic and Arithmetic, he could prove 
those two fowls to be three. Well, let us hear, said the 
old man. Why this, cried the scholar, is one, and this, 
continued he, is two ; tw^o and one, you know, make 
three. Since you have made it out so well, answered the 
old man, your mother shall have the first fowl, I will have 
the second, and the third you may keep yourself for your 
great learning. 

209. A gentleman, who had a suit in Chancery, was 
called upon by his counsel to put in his answer, for fear 
of incurring contempt. And why, said the gentleman, 
is not my answer put in ? How should I draw your an- 
swer, cried the lawyer, 'till I know what you can swear ? 
Pshaw, replied the client, prithee do your part as a law- 
yer, and draw a sufficient answer, and let me alone to do 
the part of a gentleman, and swear to it. 

210. A country lass, with a pail of milk on her head 
going to market, was reckoning all the way, what she 
might make of it. This milk, said she, will bring me so 
much money, that money will buy so many eggs, those 
eggs so many chickens, and, with the fox's leave, those 
chickens will make me mistress of a pig, and that pig 
may grow a fat hog, and when I have sold that, I may 
buy a cow and calf: and then, says she, conies a sweet- 
heart, perhaps a farmer ; him I marry, and my neigh- 
bours will say, How do you do, goody Such-a-one ? and 
I'll answer, Thank you, neighbour, how do you ? But 
maybe my sweetheart may be a yeoman, and then it will 
be, How do you do, Mrs. Such-a-one ? Til say, Thank 
you. Oh ! but suppose I should marry a gentleman ; 
then they'll say, Your servant, madam, but then I'll toss 
up my head, and say nothing. Upon the sudden trans- 
port of this thought, and with the motion of her head, 
down came the milk, which put an end at once to her fine 



joe miller's jests. 43 

scheme of her eggs, her chickens, her pig, her hog, and 
her husband. 

21.1. Daniel Purcell, who was a nonjuror, was telling a 
friend of his, when King George the First landed at 
Greenwich, that he had a full view of him. Then, said 
his friend, you know nim by sight ? Tes, replied Daniel, 
I think I know him, but I can't swear to him. 

212. An Englishman going into one of the French or- 
dinaries in Soho, and finding a large dish of soup with 
about half-a-pound of mutton in the middle of it, began 
to pull off his wig, his stock, and then his coat ; at which 
one of the monsieurs, being much surprised, asked him 
what he was going to do ? Why, monsieur, I mean to 
strip, that I may swim through this ocean of porridge, to 
yon little island of mutton. 

213. A countryman driving an ass by St. James's gate 
one day, which being dull and restive, he was forced to 
beat it very much ; a gentleman coming out of the gate, 
chid the fellow for using his beast so cruelly ; Oh dear, 
sir, said the countryman, I am glad to find my ass has a 
friend at court. 

214. One Irishman meeting another, asked, What was 
become of their old acquaintance Patrick Murphy ? Ar- 
rah, now, dear honey, answered the other, poor Pat was 
condemned to be hanged ; but he saved his life by dying 
in prison. 

215. Another Irishman, getting on a high-mettled 
horse, it ran away with him ; upon which, one of his 
companions called to him to stop him : Arrah, honey, 
cried he, how can I do that, when I have got no spurs ? 

216. An honest Welch carpenter, coming out of Car- 
diganshire, got work in Bristol, where, in a few months, 
he had saved, besides his expenses, about twelve shillings ; 
and with this prodigious sum of money, returning into 
his own country, when he came upon Mile Hill, he looked 
back on the town : Ah, poor Pristow, said he, if one or 
two more of hur countrymen were to give hur such an- 
other shake as hur has done, it would be poor Pristow 
indeed. 



44 joe miller's jests. 

217. It being asked in company with my Lord C — d, 
whether the piers of Westminster bridge would be of 
stone or wood, Oh, said my lord, of stone to be sure, for 
w^e have too many wooden piers (peers) already at West- 
minster. 

218. One telling Charles XII. of Sweden, just before 
the battle of Narva, that the enemy was three to one ; I 
am glad to hear it, answered the king, for then there will 
be enough to kill, enough to take prisoners, and enough 
to run away. 

219. A poor ingenious lad, who was a servitor at Ox- 
ford, not having wherewithal to buy a new pair of shoes, 
when his old ones were very bad, got them capped at 
the toes, upon which being bantered by some of his com- 
panions, Why should they not be capped, said he, I am 
sure they are Fellows. 

220. The standers-by, to comfort a poor man, who lay 
on his death-bed, told him, he should be carried to church 
by four very proper fellows : I thank ye, said he, but I 
had much rather go by myself. 

221. When poor Daniel Button died, one of his pun- 
ning customers being at his burial, and looking on the 
grave, cried out, This is a more lasting Button hole, than 
any made by a tailor. 

222. A toping fellow was one night making his will 
over his bottle : I will give, said he, fifty pounds to five 
taverns, to drink to my memory when I am dead ; ten 
pounds to the Salutation for courtiers ; ten pounds to the 
Castle for soldiers ; ten pounds to the Mitre for parsons ; 
ten pounds to the Horn for citizens ; and ten pounds to 
the Devil for the lawyers. 

223. A gentleman calling for small beer at another 
gentleman's table, finding it very hard, gave it the ser- 
vant again without drinking. What, said the master of 
the house, don't you like the beer ? It is not to be found 
fault with, answered the other, for one should never 
speak ill of the dead. 

224. A certain lord who had a termagant wife, and at 



JOE MILLER'S jests. 45 

the same time a ehaplain who was a tolerable poet, my 
lord desired him to write him a copy of verses on a 
shrew. I cannot imagine, said the parson, why your 
lordship should want a copy, who have so good an ori- 
ginal. 

225. A parson in his sermon having vehemently in- 
veighed against usury, and said, That lending money 
upon use was as great a sin as wilful murder ; having 
some time after an occasion to borrow twenty pounds 
himself, and coming to one of his parishioners with that 
intent, the other asked him, If he would have him guilty 
of a crime he had spoke so much against, and lend out 
money upon use ? No, said the parson, I would have 
you lend it gratis. Ay, replied the other, but in my 
opinion, if lending money upon use be as bad as wilful 
murder, lending it gratis can be little better than felo 
de se. 

226. One asked his friend, Why he, being so tall and 
large a man himself, had married so small a wife. Why, 
friend, said he, I thought you had known, that of all 
evils we should choose the least. 

227. A gentleman threatening to go to law, was dis- 
suaded from it by his friends, who desired him to con- 
sider, for the law was chargeable : I don't care, replied 
the other, I will not consider, I will go to law. Right, 
said his friend, for if you go to law, lam sure you don't 
consider. 

228. One good housewife, who was a notable woman 
at turning and torturing her old rags, was recommend- 
ing her dyer to another, as an excellent fellow in his 
way : That's impossible, said the other, for I hear he is 
a great drunkard, and beats his wife, and runs in every 
body's debt. What then ? said the first, he may never 
be the worse dyer for all these things. No ! answered 
the other, can you imagine so bad a liver can die well ? 

229. A poor fellow, growing rich on a sudden, from 
a very mean and beggarly condition, and taking great 
state upon him, was met one day by one of his poor 



46 joe miller's jests. 

acquaintance, who accosted him in a very humble man- 
ner, but having no notice taken of him, cried out, Nay, 
it is no great wonder that you should not know me, when 
you have forgot yourself. 

230. Marcus Livius, who was governor of Tarentum 
when Hannibal took it, being envious to see so much 
honour done to Fabius Maximus, said one day in open 
senate, that it was himself, not Fabius Maximus, that 
was the cause of the retaking the city of Tarentum. 
Fabius said smilingly, Indeed thou speakest truth, for 
hadst thou not lost it, I should never have retaken it. 

231. One asking another which way a man might 
use tobacco to have any benefit from it : By setting up a 
shop to sell it, said he, for certainly there is no profit to 
be had from it any other way. 

232. Ben Jonson being one night at the Devil tavern, 
there was a country gentleman in the company, who in- 
terrupted all other discourse, with an account of his land 
and tenements ; at last Ben, able to bear it no longer, 
said to him, What signifies your dirt and your clods to 
us ? where you have one acre of land I have ten acres of 
wit. Have you so, said the countryman, good Mr. Wise- 
acre ? This unexpected repartee from the clown, struck 
Ben quite mute for a time : Why, how now, Ben, said 
one of the company, you seem to be quite flung ? I 
never was so pricked by a hobnail before, replied he. 

233. A tailor sent his bill to a lawyer for money : the 
lawyer bid the boy tell his master, that he was not 
running away, but very busy at that time. The boy 
comes again, and tells him he must needs have the 
money. Didst tell thy master, said the lawyer, that I 
was not running away ? Yes, sir, answered the boy, but 
he bad me tell you that he was. 

234. A smart fellow thinking to show his wit one 
night at the tavern, called to the drawer, Here, Mercury, 
said he, take away this bottle full of emptiness. Said 
one of the company, Do you speak that, Jack, of your 
own head ? 



joe miller's jests. 47 

235. An extravagant young fellow, rallying a frugal 
country 'squire, who had a good estate, and spent but 
little of it, said, among other things, I'll warrant you 
that plate-buttoned suit was your great-grandfather's. 
Yes, said the other, and I have my great-grandfather's 
lands too. 

236. A gentleman having sent for his carpenter's ser- 
vant to knock a nail or two in his study, the fellow, after 
he had done, scratched his ears, and said, He hoped the 
gentleman would give him something to make him 
drink. Make you drink ? says the gentleman, there's a 
pickle herring for you, and if that won't make you drink 
I'll give you another. 

237. Alphonso, king of Xaples, sent a moor, who had 
been his captive a long time, to Barbary, with a consid- 
erable sum of money to purchase horses, and to return 
by such a time. There was about the king a buffoon, or 
jester, who had a table-book, wherein he used to register 
any remarkable absurdity that happened at court. The 
day the moor was dispatched to Barbary, the said jester 
waiting on the king at supper, the king called for his 
table-book, in which the jester kept a regular journal of 
absurdities. The king took the book, and read, how 
Alphonso, king of Xaples, had sent Beltram the moor, 
who had been a long time his prisoner, to Morocco, his 
own country, with so many thousand 'crowns to buy 
horses. The king turned to the jester, and asked, why 
he inserted that ? Because, said he, I think he will never 
come back to be a prisoner again ; and so you have lost 
both man and money. But, if he does come, says the 
king, then your jest is marred : Xo, sir, replies the buf- 
foon, for if he should return, I will blot out your name, 
and put in his for a fool. 

238. A sharper of the town seeing a country gentle- 
man sit alone at an inn, and thinking something might 
be made of him, he went and sat near him, and took the 
liberty to drink to him. Having thus introduced him- 
self, he called for a paper of tobacco, and said, Do you 
smoke, sir ? Yes, says the gentleman, very gravely, any 
one that has a design upon me. 



48 JOE miller's jests. 

239. A certain country farmer was observed never to 
be in a good humour when he was hungry ; for this rea- 
son, his wife was fain carefully to watch the time of his 
coming home, and always have dinner ready on the 
table ; one day he surprised her, and she had only time 
to set a mess of broth ready for him, who, soon, accord- 
ing to custom, began to open his pipes, and maundering 
over his broth, forgetting what he was about, burnt his 
mouth to some purpose. The good wife seeing him in 
that sputtering condition, comforted him as follows : See 
what it is now, had you kept your breath to cool your 
pottage, you had not burnt your mouth, John. 

240. The same woman taking up dinner once on a 
Sunday, it happened that the lickerish plough-boy, who 
lay under a strong and violent temptation, pinched off 
the corner of a plum dumpling ; which his dame espying, 
in a great rage, laid the wooden ladle over his pate, say- 
ing, Can't you stay, sirrah, till your betters are served 
before you ? The boy clapping his hand on his head, 
and seeing the blood come, 'tis very hard, said he. So 
it is, sirrah, said she, or it had not broke my ladle. 

241. Three gentlemen being at a tavern, whose names 
were Moore, Strange, and Wright : said the last, There 
is but one knave in company, and that is Strange : Yes, 
answered Strange, there is one Moore : Ay, said Moore, 
that's Wright. . 

242. A Scotch bagpiper travelling in Ireland, opened 
his wallet by a wood side, and sat down to dinner ; no 
sooner had he said grace, but three wolves came about 
him. To one he threw bread, to another meat, till his 
provender was all gone — At length he took up his bag- 
pipes, and began to play, at which the wolves ran away. 
The deel faw me, said Sawney, an I had kenned you 
loved music so, you should have bad it before dinner. 

243. Metullus Nepos, asking Cicero, the Roman ora- 
tor, in a scoffing manner, Who was his father ? Cicero 
replied, Thy mother has made that question harder for 
thee to answer. 

244. The archduke of Austria having been forced to 



joe miller's jests. 49 

raise the siege of a town called Grave, in Holland, and 
to retreat privately in the night ; Queen Elizabeth said 
to his secretary here, — What, your master is risen from 
the grave without sound of trumpet. 

245. Soon after the death of a great officer, who was 
judged to have been no great advancer of the king's af- 
fairs, the king said to his solicitor Bacon, who was kins- 
man to that lord : Xow, Bacon, tell me truly, what say 
you of your cousin ? Mr. Bacon answered, Since your 
Majesty charges me to speak, I will deal plainly with 
you, and give you such a character of him, as though I 
was to write his history. I do think he was no fit coun- 
sellor to have made your affairs better, yet he was fit to 
have kept them from growing worse. On my soul, 
quoth the king, in the first thou speakest like a true man ; 
and in the latter like a kinsman. 

246. The same king in one of his progresses asked, 
How far it was to such a town ? They told him six 
miles and a half. He alighted out of his coach, and went 
under the shoulder of one of the led horses. When 
some asked his majesty what he meant ? I must stalk, 
says he, for yonder town is shy, and Hies me. 

247. Lawyers and chambermaids, said a wicked young 
fellow, are like Balaam's ass, they never speak unless 
they see an angel. 

248. One being at his wife's funeral, and the bearers 
going pretty quick along, he cried out to them, Don't go 
so fast, what need we make a toil of pleasure ? 

249. A country 'squire being in company with his 
mistress, and wanting his servant, cried out, Where is 
the blockhead ? Upon your shoulders, said the lady. 

250. A philosopher being asked, why learned men fre- 
quented rich men's houses, but rich men seldom visited 
the learned, answered, That the first know what they 
want, but the latter do not. 

251. Among the articles exhibited to King Henry by 
the Irish, against the Earl of Kildare, the last concluded 
thus : — And finally all Ireland cannot rule the earL Then 



50 JOE MILLER S JESTS, 

said the king, The earl shall rule all Ireland : and so 
made him deputy. 

252. Plutarch used to say that men of small capacities 
put into great places, like statues set upon great pillars, 
are made to appear the less by their advancement. 

253. A young fellow being told that his mistress was 
married; to convince him of it, the young gentleman 
who told him, said, he had seen the bride and bride- 
groom. Prithee, said the forsaken swain, do not call 
them by those names ; I cannot bear it. Shall I call 
them dog and cat ? answered the other. Oh, no, for 
heaven's sake, replied the first, that sounds ten times 
more like man and wife. 

254. A sea officer, who for his courage in a former en- 
gagement, where he had lost his leg, had been preferred 
to the command of a good ship ; in the heat of the next 
engagement, a cannon-ball took off his wooden deputy, 
so that he fell upon the deck : A seaman thinking he had 
been fresh wounded, called out for a surgeon. No, no, 
said the captain, the carpenter will do this time. 

255. A gentleman saying he had bought the stockings 
he had on in Wales. Really, sir, answered another, I 
thought so, for they seemed to be Well-chose, i. e. 
Welch hose. 

256. A nobleman, in a certain king's reign, being ap- 
pointed groom of the stole, his majesty took notice to 
him of the odd sort of perukes he used to wear, and de- 
sired that he would now get something that was graver, 
and more suitable to his age, and the high office he had 
conferred on him. The next Sunday his lordship ap- 
peared at court in a very decent peruke, which being ob- 
served by another nobleman, famous for the art of pun- 
ning, he came up to him, and told him, That he was 
obliged to alter his locks now he had got the key. 
[*„* The groom of the stole wears a gold key, tied with 
a blue ribbon, at his left pocket.] 

257. A gentleman named Ball being about to purchase 
a cornetcy in a regiment of horse, was presented to the 



JOE MILLER 3 JESTS. 51 

colonel for approbation, who being a nobleman, declared 
he did not like the name, and would have no Balls in his 
regiment : Nor powder neither, said the gentleman, if 
your lordship could help it. 

258. Two Irishmen having travelled on foot from 
Chester to Barnet, were confoundedly tired and fatigued 
with their journey; and the more so, when they were 
told they had still about ten miles to London. By my 
soul and St. Patrick, cries one of them, it is but five 
miles apiece, let's e'en walk on. 

259. Mr. Pope, being at dinner with a noble duke, had 
his own servant in livery waiting on him : The duke 
asked him, Why he, that eat mostly at other people's 
tables, should be such a fool as to keep a fellow in livery 
only to laugh at him? 'Tis true, answered the^poet, he 
kept but one to laugh at him ; but his grace had the 
honour to keep a dozen. 

260. An Irish fellow, vaunting of his birth and family, 
affirmed, That when he came first to England, he made 
such a figure, that the bells rang through all the towns 
he passed to London : Ay, said a gentleman in company, 
I suppose that was because you came up in a waggon 
with a bell-team. 

261. One meeting an old acquaintance, whom the 
world had frowned upon a little, asked him, Where he 
lived ? Where do I live — said he, I don't know ; but I 
starve down towards Wapping and that way. 

262. Two country attornies overtaking a waggoner on 
the road, and thinking to break a joke upon him, asked 
him, Why his fore-horse was so fit and the rest so lean ? 
The waggoner knowing them to be limbs of the law, 
answered them, That his fore-horse was his lawyer and 
the rest were his clients. 

263. At a cause tried at the King's Bench bar, a wit- 
ness was produced who had a very red nose, and one of 
the counsel, a good impudent fellow, being desirous to 
put him out of countenance, called out to him, after he 
was sworn — Well, let's hear what you have to say with 



52 joe miller's jests. 

your copper nose. Why, sir, said he, by the oath I have 
taken, I would not exchange my copper nose for your 
brazen face. 

264. A gentleman having received some abuse, in pass- 
ing through one of the Inns of Chancery, from some of 
the impudent clerks, he was advised to complain to the 
Principal, which he did accordingly ; and coming before 
him, accosted him in the following manner : I have been 
grossly abused here by some of the rascals of this house, 
and understanding you are the principal, I am come to 
acquaint you with it. 

265. An old roundhead in Oliver's time, complaining 
of some heavy rain that fell, said a cavalier, standing by, 
What unreasonable fellows you roundheads are, who 
will neither be pleased when God rains, nor when the 
king reigns. 

266. A young curate, with more pertness than wit or 
learning, being asked in company, How he came to take 
it into his head to enter into the ministry of the church ? 
Because, said he, the Lord had need of me. That may 
be, replied a gentleman present, for I have often read 
the Lord had once need of an ass. 

267. A very ignorant, but very foppish young fellow, 
going into a bookseller's shop with a relation, who went 
thither to buy something he wanted, seeing his cousin 
look into a particular book, and smile, asked him, What 
there was in that book that made him smile ? Why, 
answered the other, this book is dedicated to you, cousin 
Jack. Is it so ? said he, pray let me see it, for I never 
knew before that I had had such an honour done me : 
upon which, taking it into his hands, he found it to be 
Perkin's Catechism, dedicated to all ignorant persons. 

268. There was a short time when Mr. Handel, not- 
withstanding his merit, was deserted, and his opera at 
the Hay-Market neglected almost by everybody but his 
Majesty, for that of Porpora at Lincoln's-Inn-Fields ; at 

this time another nobleman asking the earl of C d if 

he would go one night to the opera ? My lord asked, 



JOE miller's jests. 53 

Which ? Oh, to that in the Hay-Market, answered the 
other. Xo, my lord, said the earl, I have no occasion for 
a private audience of his majesty to-night. 

269. Some scholars, on a time, going to steal conies, 
by the way they warned a novice amongst them to make 
no noise, for fear of spoiling their game : but he no 
sooner espied some, but he cried out aloud, JEcce conni- 
culi multi. Whereupon the conies ran with all speed 
into their burrows ; upon which his fellows chiding him 
— Who, said he, would have thought that the conies un- 
derstood Latin ? 

270. A drunken fellow having sold all his goods, to 
maintain himself at his pot, except his feather bed, at 
last made away with that too ; when being reproved for 
it by some of his friends ; Why, said he, I am very well, 
thank God, and why should I keep my bed ? 

271. An old lady meeting a Cambridge man, asked 
him, How her nephew behaved himself? Truly, mad- 
am, says he, he's a brave fellow, and sticks close to 
Catherine Hall — [name of a college]. I vow, said she, 
I feared as much, he was always hankering after the 
girls from a boy. 

272. A gentleman being arrested for a pretty large 
sum of money, sent to an acquaintance, who had often 
professed a great friendship for him, to beg he would 
bail him ; the other told him, That he had promised 
never to be bail for anybody ; but with much kindness 
said, I'll tell you what you may do, you may get some- 
body else if you can. 

273. When king Charles the First was in great anx- 
iety about signing the warrant for the Earl of Strafford's 
execution, saying, It was next to death to part with so 
able a minister, and so loyal a subject ; a certain favorite 
of the king's standing by, soon resolved his majesty, by 
telling him, That in such an exigence, a man had better 
part with his crutch than his leg. 

274. Some rattling young fellows from London putting 
into a country inn, seeing a plain rough-hewn farmer 



54 

there ; said one of them, You shall see me dumb-found 
that countryman. So coming up to him, he gave his hat 
a twirl round, saying, there's half a crown for you, coun- 
tryman. The former, after recovering a little from his 
surprise, reared his oaken towel, and surveying him very 
gravely, gave him two very handsome drubs on the 
shoulder, saying, I thank you for your kindness, friend, 
there's two shillings of your money again. 

275. One of the aforesaid rattling blades having been 
once a little kicked for his impertinence, demanded of his 
benefactor with a bluff face, Whether he was in earnest, 
or not ? Yes, faith, said the other, in very good earnest, 
laying his hand on his sword. Say you so ? replied he, 
I am glad of that with all my heart, for I don't like such 
jests. 

276. A merchant in London, having bought a pretty 
estate in Surrey, and afterwards two or three more fields 
adjoining to it, a person speaking of his purchase to a 
friend, said, he did not think Mr. Such-a-one had been in 
circumstances to make so large a purchase. O dear ! 
said the other, you don't know how considerable a man 
he is ; w T hy, since he bought that estate in Surrey, he has 
bought Moor-fields. That must be a great purchase, in- 
deed, replied the other. 

277. The old earl of B— — d, one of the most facetious 
men of his time, being once in waiting at court, made an 
excuse one morning to leave the king, assuring his ma- 
jesty he would be back to wait on him before 12 o'clock, 
there being great occasion for his attendance. The king 
had inquired for him several times, his lordship having 
exceeded his time : at length he came, and going to the 
clock in the drawing-room, heard it strike one ; at which, 
being a little enraged, he up with his cane and broke the 
glass of the clock. The king asked him afterwards, 
What made him break the clock ? I am sure, says my 
lord, your majesty won't be angry when you hear. Pri- 
thee, said the king, what was it ? Why blood, my liege, 
the clock struck first. 

278. A person having been put to great shifts to get 



I 



JOE MILLER S JESTS. 55 

money to support his credit ; some of his creditors at 
length sent him word, that they would give him trou- 
ble. Pshaw ! said he, I have had trouble enough to bor- 
row the money, and had not need be troubled to pay it 
again. 

279. Queen Elizabeth seeing a gentleman in her gar- 
den, who had not felt the effect of her favours so soon as 
lie expected, looking out of her window, said to him in 
Italian, What does a man think of, Sir Edward, when he 
thinks of nothing ? After a little jDause, he answered, 
He thinks, madam, of a woman's promise. The queen 
shrunk in her head, but was heard to say, Well, Sir Ed- 
ward, I must not confute you : anger makes dull men 
witty, but it keeps them poor. 

280. A lady whose beauty was very much upon the 
decline, having sent her picture to a gentleman that was 
to come a wooing to her, bid her chambermaid, when 
she was coming to dress her, take care in repairing her 
decays a little, or she should not look like her picture. 
I warrant you, madam, says she, laying on the Bavarian 
red, a little art once made your picture like you, now a 
little of the same art shall make you like your picture ; 
your picture must sit to you. 

281. A termagant sempstress coming to dun a young 
fellow at his lodgings, where he was terribly afraid to 
have his landlady hear ; she began to open her quail pipes 
at a great rate, but was presently seized with a lit of 
coughing. Lord, says she, I have got such a cold I can 
hardly speak. Xay, as to that, says he, I don't care how 
softly you speak. Don't tell me of speaking softly, said 
she, let me have my money, or I'll take the law of you. 
Do, says he, then you'll be forced to hold your tongue, 
for the law allows nobody to scold in their own cause. 

282. Some persons talking of a fine lady that had many 
suitors : Well, says one of them, you may talk of this 
great man and that great man, of this lord and t'other 
knight ; but I know a fellow without a foot of estate, 
that will carry her before them all. Pho, that's impos- 
sible, says another, unless you mean her coachman. 



56 JOE miller's jests. 

283. Count Gondomar, the Spanish ambassador here, 
in Queen Elizabeth's time, sent a compliment to the Lord 
St. Albans, whom he lived on no good terms with, wish 
ing him a merry Easter. My lord thanked the messen- 
ger, and said, he could not requite the count better than 
by wishing him a good Pass- over. 

284. A certain philosopher, when he saw men in a 
hurry to finish any matter, used to say, Stay a little, that 
we may make an end the sooner. 

285. Sir Francis Bacon was wont to say of a passion- 
ate man, who suppressed his anger, That he thought 
worse than he spoke ; and of an angry man, that would 
vent his passion in words, That he spoke worse than he 
thought. 

286. The same gentleman used to say, that power in 
an ill man was like the power of a witch — he could do 
harm, but no good ; as the magicians, said he, could turn 
water into blood, but could not turn blood into water 
again. 

287. He was likewise wont to commend much the ad- 
vice of a plain old man at Buxton, who sold brooms. 
A proud lazy young fellow came to him for a besom upon 
trust, to whom the old man said, Friend, hast thou no 
money ? Borrow of thy back and of thy belly, they'll 
never ask thee for't ; I shall be dunning thee every day. 

288. When recruits were raising for the late wars, a 
Serjeant told his captain that he had got him a very ex- 
traordinary man : Ay, says the captain, prithee what's 
he ? A butcher, sir, replied the Serjeant, and your hon- 
our will have double service of him, for we had two 
sheep-stealers in the company before. 

289. A harmless country fellow having commenced a 
suit against a gentleman that -had beat down his fences, 
and spoiled his corn ; when the assizes grew near, his ad- 
versary bribed his only evidence to keep out of the way : 
Well, says the fellow, I'm resolved I'll up to town, and 
the king shall know it. The king know it ! said his land- 
lord, who was an attorney, prithee what good Avill that 



joe miller's jests. 57 

do you, if the man keeps out of the way ? Why, sir, 
said the poor fellow, I have heard you say, the king could 
make a man a-peer at any time. 

290. One speaking of an agreeable young fellow, said, 
He had wit enough to call his good nature in question, 
and yet good nature enough to make his wit suspected. 

291. A person seeing a tolerably pretty fellow, who, 
by the help of a tailor and sempstress had transformed 
himself into a beau, said, AVhat pity it is to see one, whom 
nature has made no fool, so industrious to pass for an 
ass. Rather, said another, one should pity those whom 
nature abases than those who abuse nature ; besides, the 
town would be robbed of one-half of its diversion, if it 
should become a crime to laugh at a fool. 

292. At the masquerade in the Hay- Market, one ap- 
pearing in the habit of a bishop, another, for the jest's 
sake, bowed his knee to ask a blessing. The former lay- 
ing his hand on his head, very demurely said, Prithee 
rise, there's nothing in't indeed, friend. 

293. Of all coxcombs, the most intolerable in conver- 
sation is your fighting fool, and your opiniated wit ; 
the one is always talking to show his parts, and the other 
always quarrelling to show his valour. 

294. One said of a fantastical fellow, that he was the 
folio of himself, bound up in his own calf's leather, and 
gilt about the edges. 

295. A decayed gentleman coming to one who had 
been a servant, to borrow money of him, received a very 
scurvy answer, concluding in the following words : Pray, 
sir, what do you trouble me for? I've no money to lend. 
I'm sure you lie, said the gentleman, for if you were not 
rich, you durst not be so saucy. 

296. The Roman Catholics make a sacrament of mat- 
rimony, and, in consequence of that notion, pretend that 
it confers grace. The Protestant divines do not carry 
matters so high, but say, This ought to be understood in 
a qualified sense ; and that marriage so far confers grace, 



58 joe miller's jests. 

as that, generally speaking, it brings repentance, which 
everybody knows is one step towards grace. 

297. An extravagant young gentleman, to whom the 
title of lord, and a good estate, was just fallen, being a 
little harassed by duns, bid his steward tell them, That 
whilst he was a private gentleman he had leisure to run 
in debt, but being now advanced to a higher rank, he 
was too busy to pay them. 

298. A gentleman complaining of a misfortune, said it 
was all along with that drunken sot his man, who could 
not keep himself sober. With your worshi]}, said the 
fellow, I know very few drunken sots that do keep them- 
selves sober. 

299. A certain Irishman making strong love to a lady 
of great fortune, told her, He could not sleep for dream- 
ing of her. 

300. A plain country yeoman bringing his daughter to 
town, said, for all she was brought up altogether in the 
country, she was a girl of sense. Yes, said a pert young 
female in the company, country sense. Why, faith, mad- 
am, says the fellow, country sense is better sometimes 
than London impudence. 

301. I'll swear, said a gentleman to his mistress, you 
are very handsome. Pho, said she, so you'd say, though 
you did not think so. And so you'd think, answered he, 
though I should not say so. 

302. A gentleman in King Charles the Second's time, 
who had paid a tedious attendance at court for a place, 
and had a thousand promises, at length resolved to see 
the king himself; so getting himself introduced, he told 
his majesty what pretensions he had to his favour, and 
boldly asked him for the place just then vacant. The 
king hearing his story, told him he had just given the 
place away. Upon which the gentleman made a very 
low obeisance to the king, and thanked him extremely ; 
which he repeated often. The king, observing how 
over-thankful he was, called him again, and asked the 
reason why he gave him such extraordinary thanks, 



JOE MILLER'S JliSTS. 59 

when he had denied his suit. The rather, an't please 
your majesty, replied the gentleman ; your courtiers 
have kept me waiting here these two years, and gave 
me a thousand put-offs ; but your majesty has saved me 
all that trouble, and o-enerously given me my answer at 
once. Gads fish, man, said the king, thou shalt have the 
place for thy downright honesty. 

303. A merry droll servant, who lived with a lady 
that was just on the point of matrimony, being sent with 
a How-d'ye-do to an acquaintance of hers, who lived a 
few miles off, was asked how his lady did ? Ah, dear 
madam, replied the fellow, she can never live long in this 
condition. 

304. 'Twas a beautiful turn given by a great lady, 
who being asked, AYhere her husband was, when he lay 
concealed for having been deeply concerned in a con- 
spiracy ? resolutely answered, She had hid him. This 
confession drew her before the king, who told her, Xoth- 
ing but her discovering where her lord was concealed, 
could save her from the torture. And will that do ? 
said the lady. Yes, said the king, I give you my word 
for it. Then, said she, I have hid him in my heart, there 
you'll find him. 

305. An English gentleman travelling to France, had 
made choice of an abbe as reckless as himself, for the 
companion of his pleasures. One of his countrymen told 
him, That though the abbe and lie differed about the 
way to heaven, they were in a fair way of going to the 
devil together. 

306. A petulant self-willed coxcomb was threatening, 
if his humour was not gratified, to leave his relations and 
family and go away to France. Let him alone, said one, 
he will come back from France, before lie gets half way 
to Dover. 

307.. A countryman in the street inquiring the way to 
Newgate, an arch fellow that heard him, said, he'd show 
him presently. Do but go across the way, said he, to 
yon goldsmith's shop, and move off with one of those 
silver tankards, and it will bring you thither presently. 



60 

308. Men sometimes blurt out very unlucky truths. 
A town beggar was very importunate with a rich miser, 
whom he accosted in the following phrase : Pray, sir, 
bestow your charity ; good, dear sir, bestow your chari- 
ty. Prithee, friend, be quiet, replied old Gripus, I have 
it not. 

309. A certain priest in a rich abbey in Florence, be- 
ing a fisherman's son, caused a net to be spread every 
day, on a table in his apartment, to put him in mind of 
his origin : the abbot dying, this dissembled humility 
procured him to be chosen abbot ; after which, the net 
was used no more. Being asked the reason, he an- 
swered, There is no occasion for the net now the fish is 
caught. 

310. A farmer who had a very great name in the 
country for his dexterity in manly exercises, such as 
wrestling, throwing the bar, and the like, drew upon 
himself many occasions to try his skill, with such as came 
far and near to challenge him : among the rest, a con- 
ceited fellow rode a great way to visit this champion, 
and being told that he was in his ground behind the 
house, he alighted, and walked with his horse's bridle 
in his hand, till he came where he found him at work ; 
so hanging the bridle upon the jDales, he accosted him 
thus : That having heard much of his fame, he had come 
forty miles to try a fall with him. The champion, with- 
out more words, came up to him, and closing with him, 
took him upon such an advantageous lock, that he 
pitched him clean over the pales ; with a great deal of 
unconcern, he took up his spade, and fell to work again : 
the fellow getting upon his legs again, as nimbly as he 
could, called to speak to him. Well, said the champion, 
have you any more to say to me ? No, no, replied the 
fellow, only to desire you would be so kind as throw my 
horse after me. 

311. A busy impertinent, entertaining Aristotle the 
philosopher one day with a tedious discourse, and ob- 
serving that he did not much regard him, made an apolo- 
gy, That he was afraid he had interrupted him. No, 



joe miller's jests. 61 

really, replied the philosopher, you have not interrupted 
me at all, for I have not minded one word you said. 

312. Two conceited coxcombs wrangling and expos- 
ing one another before company, one told them, That 
they had both done like wits : for wits, said he, never 
give over till they prove one another fools. 

313. A lawyer and a physician having a dispute about 
precedence, referred it to Diogenes, who gave it in favour 
of the lawyer, in these terms : Let the thief go before, 
and the executioner, follow. 

314. A person having two very graceless sons, the one 
robbed him of his money, and the other of his goods : 
His neighbour corning to condole with him, told him, He 
might sue the county, for lie had been robbed between 
son and son. 

315. A person speaking to the Earl of C d of the 

false taste of several people of quality, and their ignor- 
ance in many things that they pretend to understand ; 
Why, said my Lord, most of our people of quality judge 
of everything by their ears but the opera, and that they 
go to see. 

316. A citizen dying greatly in debt, it coining to his 
creditors' ears — Farewell, said one, there is so much of 
mine gone with him. And he carried so much of mine, 
said another. One hearing them make their several com- 
plaints, said, Well, I see now, that though a man can 
carry nothing of his own out of the world, yet he may 
carry a great deal of other men's. 

317. Three young conceited wits, as they thought 
themselves, passing along the road near Oxford, met a 
grave old gentleman, with whom they had a mind to be 
rudely merry ; Good morrow, father Abraham, said one : 
Good morrow, father Isaac, said the next : Good mor- 
row, father Jacob, cried the last. I am neither Abra- 
ham, Isaac, nor Jacob, replied the old gentleman, but 
Saul, the son of Kish, who went out to seek his father's 
asses, and lo ! here I have found them. 

318. An ingenious young gentleman at the University 



62 joe miller's jests. 

of Oxford, being appointed to preach before the Vice 
Chancellor, and the heads of the colleges, at St. Mary's, 
and having formerly observed the drowsiness of the 
Vice Chancellor, took this place of scripture for his text : 
" What ! cannot ye watch one hour ?" At every divi- 
sion he concluded with his text ; which by reason of the 
Vice Chancellor sitting so near the pulpit, often awaked 
him. This was so noted among the wits, that it was the 
talk of the whole University, and withal it so nettled the 
Vice Chancellor, that he complained to the Archbishop 
of Canterbury, who, willing to redress him, seut for this 
scholar up to London, to defend himself against the crime 
laid to his charge ; where coming, he gave so many 
proofs of his extraordinary wit, that the Archbishop en- 
joined him to preach before King James. After some 
excuses, he at length consented ; and coming into the 
pulpit, began, " James the First, and the Sixth, waver 
not " ; meaning the first king of England, and the sixth 
of Scotland ; at first the king was somewhat amazed at 
the text, but in the end was so well pleased with his ser- 
mon, that he made him one of his chaplains in ordinary. 
After this advancement, the Archbishop sent him down 
to Oxford to make his recantation to the Vice Chancel- 
lor, and to take leave of the University, which he accord- 
ingly did, and took the latter part of the verse of the 
former text, " Sleep on now and take your rest " : con- 
cluding his sermon, he made his apology to the Vice 
Chancellor, Whereas I said before, which gave offence, 
What ! cannot ye watch one hour ? I say now, Sleep 
on and take your rest — and so left the University. 

319. A plain country fellow, born in Essex, coming to 
London, which place he had never seen before, as he 
walked in a certain street, not a great way from Mark 
Lane, espied a rope hanging at a merchant's door, with 
a handle to it ; and wondering what it meant, he took it 
in his hand, and played with it to and fro ; at length, 
pulling it hard, he heard a bell ring ; it so happened, 
that the merchant, being near the door, went himself, 
and demanded what the fellow would have. Nothing, 
sir, said he, I did but play with this pretty thing which 



JOE MILLER'S jests* 63 

hangs at your door. What countryman are you ? said 
the merchant. An Essex man, an't please you, replied 
the other. I thought so, replied the merchant, for I have 
often heard say, that if a man beat a bush in Essex, there 
presently comes forth a calf. It may be so, replied the 
countryman, and I think a man can no sooner ring a bell 
in London, but out pops a donkey. 

320. A young man married to an ill-tempered woman, 
who, not contented, though he was very kind to her, 
made continual complaints to her father, to the great 
grief of both families ; the husband being no longer able 
to endure this strange humour, beat her soundly. Here- 
upon she complained to her father, who understanding 
well the perverseness of her humour, took her to task, 
and laced her soundly too ; saying, Go, and commend 
me to your husband, and tell him, I am now even witli 
him, for I have cudgelled his wife, as he hath beaten my 
daughter. 

321. A fellow hearing one say, according to the Italian 
proverb, That three women make a market with their 
chattering ; Nay, then, said he, add my wife to them, 
and they will make a fair. 

322. A scholar, in College Hall, declaiming, having a 
bad memory, was at a stand ; whereupon in a low voice, 
he desired one that stood close by, to help him out : No, 
said the other, methinks you are out enough already. 

323. A gentleman riding near the forest of Which- 
wood, in Oxfordshire, asked a fellow, What that wood 
was called ; he said, Which-wood, sir : Why that wood, 
said the gentleman. Which-wood, sir : Why that wood, 
I tell thee ;— he still said Which-wood. I think, said the 
gentleman, thou art as senseless as the wood that grows 
there. It may be so, replied the other, but you know 
not Which-wood. 

324. A physician was wont to say, when he met a 
friend, I am glad to see you well. In troth, sir, said one, 
I think you do but dissemble, for the world always goes 
ill with you, when it goes well with your friends. 



64 joe miller's jests. 

325. A gentleman falling to decay, shifted where he 
could ; among the rest, he visited an old acquaintance, 
and stayed with him seven or eight days, in which time 
the man began to be weary of his guest, and to be rid 
of him, feigned a falling out with his wife, by w r hich 
means their fare was very slender. The gentleman per- 
ceiving their drift, but not knowing whither to go to 
better himself, told them, He had been there seven days, 
and had not seen any falling out betwixt them before ; 
and that he was resolved to stay seven weeks longer, 
but he would see them friends again. 

326. A gentleman who loved everything that was for- 
eign, and w^as extremely fond of hard names, dining at 
a friend's house, asked him, What the name of the wine 
was, of which he had just drank a glass at table ; his 
friend, knowing that it was but indifferent, and recol- 
lecting that he had bought it at the Stocks Market, told 
him, it was the true Stoko Marketto ; upon which he 
found the wine excellent, and gave it great encomiums. 

327. A knavish attorney asking a very worthy gentle- 
man, what was honesty ? What is that to you? said he ; 
meddle with those things that concern you. 

328. A simple bumpkin, coming to London, was very 
much taken with the sight of a chair, or sedan, and bar- 
gained with the chairmen to carry him to a place he 
named. The chairmen, observing the curiosity of the 
clown to be suitable to the meanness of his habit, pri- 
vately took out the bottom of the chair, and then put 
him into it, which when they took up a the countryman's 
feet were upon the ground, and as the chairmen ad- 
vanced, so did he ; and to make the better sport, if any 
place was dirtier in the w^ay than the rest, that they 
chose to go through ; the countryman not knowing but 
others used to be carried, or rather driven in the same 
manner, coming to his lodgings, gave them their de- 
mand. Returning into the country, he related what 
rare things he had seen in London, and withal, that he 
been conveyed in a sedan : Sedan, quoth one, what is 
that ? Why, said he, like our watch-house, only it is 



joe miller's jests. 65 

covered with leather ; but were it not for the name of a 
sedan, a man might as well walk on foot. 

329. An ignorant clown, who had the reputation of 
being a great scholar in the country, because he could 
read and write, coming to London, and inquiring into 
all the strange things he saw, at last read on a sign-post, 
Horses to be let, 1748. Well, said he, if there are so 
many horses in one inn, how many are there in the whole 
city? 

330. One reading a witty preface before a dull book, 
said, he wondered how such a preface came to be match- 
ed so preposterously to such a book. In truth, sir, said 
another, I see no reason why they may not be matched, 
for I'm sure they are not at all a-kin. 

331. A person not belonging to Merton College, put 
his horse in a field thereunto appertaining ; being warned 
of so doing, and he taking no notice thereof, the master 
of that College sent his man to him, bidding him say, if 
he continued his horse there, lie would cut off his tail. 
Say you so ? said the person : go tell your master, if he 
cuts off my horse's tail, I will cut off his ears. The 
servant returning, told his master what he said ; where- 
upon he was sent back to bring the person to him ; who 
appearing, the master said, How now, sir ! what mean 
you by the menace you sent me ? Sir, said the other, I 
threatened you not, for I only said, if you cut off my 
horse's tail, I would cut off his ears. 

332. One seeing a scholar that looked very much 
a-squint, Sure, said he, this man must be more learned 
than his fellows, for with one cast of his eyes he can 
read both sides of the book at once. 

333. A youth standing by whilst his father was at 
play, observing him to lose a great deal of money, burst 
into tears ; his father asked him the reason why he wept ? 
Oh, sir, I have heard that Alexander the Great wept 
when he heard his father Philip had conquered a great 
many towns, cities, and countries, fearing that he would 
leave him nothing to win ; but I wept the contrary way, 
fearing you will leave me nothing to lose. 



66 joe miller's jests. 

334. A rich citizen of London, in his will, left some- 
thing considerable to Christ's Hospital, but little or 
nothing to one of his extravagant sons. At the funeral, 
the Blue-coat boys were ordered, in acknowledgment of 
so great a gift, to sing before the corpse to the grave. 
As they marched through Cheapside, this extravagant 
son led his mother, who observing the boys made a rest, 
he opened his pipes in such a manner, that he was heard 
almost from one end of the street to the other ; and still 
leading his mother, he continued thus singing, 'till a 
kinsman came to him, and stopping his mouth, asked 
him his reason for his irreverent and indecent carriage. 
Why, cousin, quoth this Ne'er-be-good, the boys there 
at my father's death sing for something, and won't you 
let me sing for nothing ? 

335. The famous Mr. Amner going through a street 
in Windsor, two boys looked out of a one-pair of stairs 
window, and cried, There goes Mr. Amner that makes 
so many bulls. He hearing them, looked up saying, You 
rascals, I know you well enough, and if I had you here, 
I'd kick you down stairs. 

33G. The same gentleman crossing the water in a fer- 
ry-boat at Datchet, the good man of the ferry being 
from home, his wife did his office ; and not putting in 
the boat just at the landing place, Mr. Amner at his 
landing sunk into the mud over his shoes ; and going 
a little farther he met with a friend, who asked, How he 
came so dirty? 'Egad, replied Mr. Amner, no man was 
ever so abused as I have been ; for coming over Datchet 
ferry, a scurvy woman waterman put over his boat and 
landed me clean in the mire. 

337. A poor woman in the country sent her son to a 
gentleman's house, upon some errand or other. The 
loitering lad stayed somewhat too long, looking upon a 
dog in the wheel that turned the spit ; so that when he 
came home, his mother beat him soundly: execution 
ended, the boy told her, If she had been there, she would 
have stayed as long as he ; and she demanding the rea- 
son, he said, Oh, mother, it would have done you good 



joe muxeb's jests. 67 

to have seen how daintily a dog in a wheel spun roast 
meat. 

. In Flanders, by accident, a Flemish tiler falling 
from the top of a house upon a Spaniard, killed him, 
though he escaped himself. The next of the blood pro- 
secuted his death with great violence against the t: 
and when he was offered pecuniary recompence. nothing 
would serve him but fee talioriis. Whereupon, the 
judo-e said unto him. That if he did urge that kind of 
sentence, it must be. that he should go up to the top of 
the same house, and from thence fall down upon the 
tiler. 

339. A lord intended to take in a great part of the 
common belonging to the town, and he agreed with a 
carpenter to have it railed in : My lord, said he, it shall 
be done, and I think I can save you some charges in the 
business : For, said he. do you but get posts, and I doubt 
not but all the neighbors round about will find you rail- 
ing enough. 

340. A brave Dutch captain being commanded by Ins 
colonel to go on a dangerous exploit against the French, 
with forces that were unlikely to achieve the enterprise, 
the captain advised his colonel to send but half so many 
men : Send but half so many men ! wl -aid the 
colonel. Because, replied the captain, they are enough 
to be knocked on the head. 

341. A fellow hearing the drums beat up for volun- 
teers for France, in the expedition against the Dutch, 
imagined himself valiant enough, and thereupon li- 
himself; returning again, he was asked by his frie: 
"What exploits he had done there ? He said. That he 
had cut off one of the enemy's legs ; and being told that 
it had been more honourable and manly to have cut off 
his head ; Oh, said he. you must know his head was cut 
off before. 

342. A person of quality coming into a church, at the 
place where several of his ancestors were buried, after 
he had said much in their commendation and praised 



68 

them for worthy men ; Well, said he, I am resolved, if 
I live, to be buried as near them as possible. 

343. An Irishman having been obliged to live with 
his master some time in Scotland ; when he came home 
again, some of his companions asked him, How he liked 
Scotland ? I will tell you now, said he, I was sick all 
de while I was dere, and if I had lived dere till this time, 
I had been dead a year ago. 

344. A certain duchess, in a late reign, hearing that a 
man in a high office, which gave him an opportunity of 
handling much cash, had married his mistress ; Good 
Lord, said she, that old fellow is always robbing the 
public. 

345. A book being published in Queen Elizabeth's 
time that gave her much offence, she asked Bacon if he 
could find no treason in it ? No, madam, said he, but 
abundance of felony, for the author hath stolen half his 
conceits out of Tacitus. 

346. A young lady being sick, a physician was sent 
for to feel her pulse ; she being very coy, and loth he 
should touch her skin, pulled her sleeve over her hand ; 
the doctor observing it, took a corner of his coat, and 
laid it upon the sleeve ; at which a lady that stood by 
wondered : O, madam, said he, a linen pulse must always 
have a woollen physician. 

347. Tom Clarke, of St. John's, desired a fellow of 
the same college to lend him Bishop Burnet's History 
of the Reformation ; the other told him, He could not 
spare it out of his chamber, but, if he pleased, he might 
come there and read it all day long. Some time after 
the same gentleman sent to Tom to borrow his bellows : 
Tom sent him word, that he could not possibly spare 
them out of his chamber, but he might come there and 
use them all day long if he would. 

348. King Charles II. on a certain time paying a visit 
to Dr. Busby, the doctor is said to have strutted through 
his school with his hat upon his head, while his majesty 
walked complaisantly behind him, with his hat under bis 



JOE MILLER'S JESTS. 69 

arm ; but, when he was taking his leave at the door, the 
doctor with great humility addressed him thus : Sire, I 
hope your majesty will excuse my want of respect hith- 
erto ; but if my boys were to imagine there was a greater 
man in the kingdom than myself, I should never be able 
to rule them. 

349. Dr. Hickringal, who was one of King Charles 
the Second's chaplains, whenever he preached before his 
majesty, was sure to tell him of his faults, and to scold 
him from the pulpit very severely. One day his majesty, 
walking in the Mall, observed the doctor before him, and 
sent to speak to him ; when he came, — Doctor, said the 
king, What have I done to you that you are always 
quarreling with me ? I hope your majesty is not angry 
with me, quoth the doctor, for telling the truth. Xo, no, 
said the king, but I would have us for the future be 
friends. TTeil, well, quoth the doctor, I'll make it up 
with your majesty on these terms, as you mend, I'll mend. 

350. In a little country town, it happened that the 
'squire of the parish's lady came to church after her 
lying-in, to return thanks, or as it is commonly called, to 
be churched : The parson aiming to be complaisant, and 
thinking plain ' woman ' a little too familiar, instead of 
saying, O Lord, save this woman ; said, O Lord, save 
this lady. The clerk, resolving not to be behindhand 
with him, answered, Who putteth her ladyship's trust 
in thee. 

451. One of King James the First's chaplains preach- 
ing before the court at 'Whitehall, made use of the fol- 
lowing quibbles in his discourse. Speaking of the de- 
pravity of the age, Almost all-houses, he said, were made 
ale-houses ; — that men made matri-money a matter of 
money; and placed their Para-dise in a pair of dice : 
AVas it so in the days of Xo-ah ? Ah, no. 

352. The Rev. Mr. Henley waiting one day at Sir 
Robert Walpole's levee, was asked by the knight what 
brought him there ? The orator replied, I hear you want 
a good pen. Xo, said Sir Robert, I don't. Then, said 
the orator, I have a bad one, which perhaps you may not 



10 joe miller's jests. 

like. Well, said the knight, if it is very bad, I must get 
one of the Secretaries of State to mend it. 

353. Several press-gangs infesting the streets of the 
city and suburbs, one of which giving umbrage to a 
merry punster, who had just staggered from a tavern 
into the middle of them : he said pleasantly enough, God 
bless his majesty's arms ! But as to the supporters, they 
are beasts. 

354. It was well answered by Archbishop Tillotson to 
King William, when he complained of the shortness of 
his sermon : Sir, said the bishop, could I have bestowed 
more time on it, it would have been shorter. 

355. Mr. Prior, when ambassador, witnessing one of 
the French operas at Paris, and seated in a box with a 
nobleman he was free with, who, as usual in France, 
sung louder than the performer, burst into bitter in- 
vectives against the latter ; upon which his lordship 
gave over to inquire the reason, adding, that the person 
he exclaimed against so fiercely, was one of the finest 
voices they had. Yes, replied his excellency, but he 
makes such a horrid noise, that I can't have the pleasure 
to hear your lordship. 

356. A living of 500/. per annum, falling in the gift of 
the late Lord Chancellor Talbot, Sir Robert Walpole re- 
commended one of his friends as very deserving of the 
benefice, whom his lordship approved of. In the interim, 
the curate, who had served the last incumbent many years 
for a poor 30/. per annum, came up with a petition, sign- 
ed by many of the inhabitants, testifying his good be- 
haviour, setting forth that he had a wife and seven child- 
ren to maintain, and begging his lordship would stand 
his friend, that he might be continued in his curacy ; 
and, in consideration of his large family, if he could 
prevail with the next incumbent to acid 10/. a year, he 
should for ever pray for him. His lordship, according 
to his usual goodness, promised to use his utmost en- 
deavours to serve him ; and the reverend gentleman, for 
whom the living was designed, coming soon after to pay 
his respects, my lord told him the affair of the curate, 



JOE MILLER'S JESTS. 7l 

with this difference only, that he should allow him 60Z. 
a year instead of 301. The clergyman in some confu- 
sion, replied, He was sorry that he could not grant his 
request, for that he had promised the curacy to another, 
and could not go from his word. How! said the noble- 
man, have you promised the curacy before you were pos- 
sessed of the living ? Well, to keep your word with 
your friend, if you please, I'll give him the curacy, but 
the living, I assure you, I'll give to another : and saying 
this he left him. The next day the poor curate coming 
to know his destiny, my lord told him, That he had used 
his endeavours to serve him as to the curacy, but with 
no success, the reverend gentleman having disposed of 
it before. "The curate, with a deep sigh, returned his 
lordship thanks for his goodness, and was going to with- 
draw, when my lord calling him back, said with a smile, 
Well, my friend, 'tis true, I have it not in my power to 
give you the curacy; but if you will accept of the living 
'tis at your service. 

357. The same noble lord, when he was under the 

tuition of the Reverend , who used to call him 

his little chancellor, one day replied, that when he was 
so he would give him a good living. One happening to 
become vacant soon after he was chancellor, he recol- 
lected his promise, and ordered the presentation to be 
filled up for his old master, who soon after came to his 
lordship to remind him of his promise, and to ask him 
for the living. Why, really, said my lord, I wish you 
had come a day sooner, but I have given it away already, 
and when you see to whom, I dare say you will not think 
me to blame. 

358. A country curate being one Friday in Lent to 
examine his young catechumens, and the bell tolling for 
prayers, he was obliged to leave a game of all-fours un- 
finished, in which he had the advantage ; but told his 
antagonist he would soon dispatch his audience, and see 
him out. Now for fear any tricks should be played with 
the cards in his absence, he put them in his cassock ; and 
asking one of the children how many commandments 
there were, which the boy not readily answering, by ac- 



72 joe miller's jests. 

cident one of the cards dropped out of his sleeve ; he 
had the presence of mind to bid the boy take it up, and 
tell him what card it was ; which he readily did : when 
turning to the parents of the child, Are you not ashamed, 
said he, to pay so little regard to the eternal welfare 
of your children, as not to teach them their command- 
ments ? I suspected your neglect, and brought this 
card with me, to detect your immorality, in teaching 
your children to know their cards before their command- 
ments. 

359. Dr. South visiting a gentleman one morning, he 
Avas asked to stay to dinner; which he accepting, the 
gentleman stepped into the next room, and told his wife 
he had invited the doctor to dinner, and desired her to 
provide something extraordinary. Hereupon she began 
to murmur and scold, and make a thousand words, till 
at last her husband, being very much provoked at her 
behaviour, protested, that if it was not for the stranger 
in the next room, he would kick her out of doors. Upon 
which the doctor, who had heard all that passed, im- 
mediately stepped out, crying, I beg, sir, you'll make 
no stranger of me. 

360. A woman of bad character who had lived in 
Clerkenwell, having left by her will a handsome sum of 
money to be given to the Rev. Dr. Lee, to preach her 
funeral sermon, but on condition that he should say 
nothing but what was well of her. Her executors ac- 
cordingly waited on the doctor, and acquainted him with 
the conditions of the will ; who being very much sur- 
prised at such a request, desired them to call again, and 
he would consider of it. Soon after they came again 
when he agreed that on the money being paid directly, 
he would preach the following Sunday. The doctor 
kept his word, and taking the text, " Blessed are they," 
&c, made an excellent sermon on a well-spent life, and 
the reward they Avould have in the next world ; conclud- 
ing, Dear friends, said he, as for the deceased, of whom 
I am now going to speak (which caused great attention 
from the congregation), all I shall say of her is, that she 
was born at Camberwell, lived great part of her time in 



JOE miller's jests. 73 

Bridewell, and died in Clerkenwell, and at last has done 
well ; then let us pray that she may fare well, &c, &c. 

361. The Rev. Mr. B — n coming from Holland with 
the King, a terrible hurricane arising, the sloop was in 
great danger of being lost. The facetious Mr. B — d, of 
Albemarle-street, being in the cabin with him, and very 
willing to prepare himself for another world, desired 
him to take notice, that if they were cast away, the shirt 

he had on belonged to Mr. G , and that he might 

have it again ; then falling on his knees, he attempted to 
rehearse the Lord's Prayer, but with such a tone as af- 
frighted the ship's crew; on which the captain running 
down, desired him to pray to himself; and to his great 
surprise found the doctor stripping himself : Pray, doc- 
tor, said he, what do you design to do ? Oh, said he, 
let him pray ; I design to swim for my life. 

362. The Lord Chief Justice Wh— d, of the King's 
Bench in Ireland, being esteemed a very able lawyer, 
and Judge C — d and B — t but very indifferent ones ; 
Well, said an attorney of that court, no bench was ever 
supplied like ours, for we have got a hundred judges upon 
it. A hundred ! said another, how can that be ? Why, 
replied the other, there is a figure of one, and two 
ciphers. 

363. One Mr. Ash, who was himself a famous punster, 
in Ireland, coming into an inn, desired the landlord to 
lend him a hand to pull off his great coat : Indeed, sir, 
said he, I dare not. Dare not ! replied the other, what 
do you mean by that? You know, sir, answered he, 
there is an act of parliament against stripping of Ash. 

364. King Charles the Second, after the Restoration, 
told Waller the poet, that he had made better verses and 
said finer things of Cromwell than of him. That may 
very well be, replied Waller, for poets generally succeed 
better in imaginary things, than in real ones. 

365. An honest French dragoon in the service of Louis 
the Fourteenth, having caught a man of whom he was 
jealous in the room with his wife, after some words, told 



74 joe miller's jests. 

him, he would let him escape that time ; but if ever he 
found him there again, he'd throw his hat out of the 
window. Notwithstanding this terrible threat, in a very- 
few days he caught the spark in the same place, and was 
as good as his word. Knowing what he had done, he 
posted away to a place where the king was, and throw- 
ing himself at his majesty's feet, implored his pardon. 
The king asked him what his offence was ? he told him 
the story, and how he had thrown the man's hat out of 
the window. Well, well, said the king, laughing, I very 
readily forgive you ; considering your provocation, I 
think you were much in the right to throw his hat out 
of the window. Yes, and may it please you, my liege, 
said the dragoon, but his head was in it. Was it so ? 
replied the king : well, my word is passed. 

366. A young and learned gentleman, who was to 
preach a probation sermon for a very good lectureship 
in the city, and had but a bad voice, though otherwise 
an excellent preacher ; a friend, when he came out of 
the pulpit, wished him joy, and said he would certainly 
carry the election, for he had nobody's voice against him 
but his own. 

367. Some repartees, strictly speaking, ought not to be 
brought under the head of jests, yet, for the readiness 
of the thought, and the politeness of the expression, are 
somewhat better. Of this sort was the answer made by 
Sir Robert Sutton to the late King of Prussia, on his 
asking him at a review of his tall grenadiers, if he would 
say an equal number of Englishmen could beat them ? 
No, sire, answered Sir Robert, I won't pretend to say 
that, but I believe half the number would try. 

368. Sir John H. C. being in the Court of Requests 

one morning, soon after Sir Rob. W had married 

Miss S , and overhearing him tell a gentleman, who 

congratulated him upon that occasion, that he was glad 
his friends were pleased with what he had done — Ay, 
and so are your enemies too, said he. 

369. The Earl of C d, notwithstanding his great 

good nature, upon some provocation was, at a certain 



joe miller's jests. 75 

time, forced to lay his cane across the shoulders of Sir 

Harry , who took it very patiently. Some time 

after, Sir Harry himself caned a fellow, who was a great 
coward : upon which, my lord meeting him the next day, 
told him he was glad to hear he behaved so gallantly 
yesterday. Ay, my lord, said he, you and I know whom 
we beat. 

*70. The Cardinal de Retz being out of favour at 
court, and at last recalled to kiss the King's hand, the 
king said to him, Your eminence's hair is grown quite 
white. To which he replied, It would make a younger 
man than I am look grey, to have been so long in dis- 
grace with your majesty as I have. 

371. Upon the death of the famous Moliere, a poet 
waiting with his epitaph upon the Prince of Conde, the 
Prince told him, he should have been much better pleas- 
ed, if Moliere had brought him his. 

372. A bishop going in great haste to Rome, to be 
cardinalized, missed his promotion, and returned ; but 
got a violent cold by the way : It is no wonder, said one 
that was told of it, since he came so far without his hat. 

373. A gentleman being very drunk, came to a friend's 
house, and told him, he came three miles on purpose to 
sup with him : to which the other answered, He was 
greatly obliged to him, since he came so for to see him 
before he came to himself. 

374. A Scotch parson in the rump-time, in his babbling 
prayer, said, Laird bless the grand council, the parlia- 
ment, and grant they may all hang together. A country- 
fellow standing by, said, Yes, yes, with all my heart, and 
the sooner the better ; and I am sure it is the prayers of 
all good people. But friends, said Sawney, I don't mean 
as that fellow means, but pray they may all hang together 
in accord and concord. No matter what cord, replied 
the other, so it is but a strong cord. 

375. An honest highlander, walking along Holborn, 
heard a voice cry, Rogue, Scot ; Rogue, Scot ; his north- 



76 joe miller's jests. 

era blood fired at the insult, he drew his broadsword, 
looking round him on every side, to discover the object 
of his indignation ; he at last found that it came from a 
parrot, perched in a balcony within his reach ; but the 
generous Scot, disdaining to stain his trusty blade with 
such ignoble blood, put up his sword again, with a sour 
smile, saying, Gin ye were a mon, as ye're a green geuse, 
I would split your ween. 

376. The Rev. Mr. Brodie preaching one day at the 
kirk in Edinburgh on hell torments, represented them to 
be intolerable, by the extreme cold they suffered there. 
And it being at that time very cold weather, one of his 
congregation, after sermon, took upon him to ask him 
the reason of his so doing, when all the eminent divines 
had preached it up to be the reverse. O sir, said he, I 
had good reason ; for if I had told them it was hot, I 
should have had them all run away to warm themselves. 

377. An Irishman having a looking-glass in his hand, 
shut his eyes, and placed it before his face ; another ask- 
ing him, Why he did so ? Upon my shoul, said Teague, 
it is to see how I look when I am asleep. 

378. Two gentlemen standing together, as a young 
lady passed by them, said one, There goes the handsom- 
est woman I ever saw. She hearing him, turned back, 
and seeing him him very ugly, said, I wish I could, in re- 
turn, say as much by you. So you may, madam, said 
he, and tell a falsehood as I did. 

379. An impudent ridiculous fellow, being laughed at 
by all who came in his company, told some of his ac- 
quaintance, that he had a happy quality of laughing at 
all who laughed at him. Then, said one of them, you 
lead the merriest life of any man in Christendom. 

380. Alexander the Great asked Dionedes, a famous 
pirate, who was brought prisoner to him, why he was so 
bold as to rob and plunder in his seas ? he answered, 
That he did it for his profit, and as Alexander himself 
was used to do it. But because I do it with one single 
galley, I am called a pirate ; but you, sire, who do it 



joe miller's jests. 77 

with a great army, are called a king. This bold answer 
so pleased Alexander, that he set him at liberty. 

381. A ploughman seeing the Archbishop of Cologne 
go by, attended by a great many soldiers, laughed ; the 
archbishop pressed him to know the reason : It is because 
I wonder, said the ploughman, to see an archbishop arm- 
ed and followed, not by churchmen, but by soldiers, like 
a general of an army. Friend, replied the archbishop, 
in my church I perform the part of an archbishop with 
my clergy ; but in the field I march like a duke, accom- 
panied by my soldiers. I understand you, my lord, 
answered the peasant ; but pray tell me, when my lord 
duke goes to the devil, what will then become of my 
lord the archbishop ? 

382. The Duke of Guise, after a battle fought between 
Francis I. and Charles V. reproached Yillandry, that 
though he was in complete armour, yet he had not been 
seen in the fight. I'll make it out, answered Yillandry, 
boldly, that I was there, and in a place where you durst 
not be seen. The duke nettled at this reproach, threaten- 
ed to punish him severely; but lie appeased him with 
these words : I, my lord, Avas with the baggage, where 
your courage would not suffer you to go. 

383. Hermon was so covetous, according to the test- 
imony of Lucilius, that dreaming one night that he had 
spent some money, he hanged himself in the morning ; 
but Dinarchee Philo quitted the design he had once 
taken to hang himself, because he grudged the expense 
of a rope. 

384. Dr. M — d coming out of Tom's coffee-house, an 
impudent broken apothecary met him at the door, and 
accosted him with a request to lend him five guineas : 
Sir, said the doctor, I am surprised that you should apply 
to me for such a favour ; who do not know you ! Oh, 
dear sir, replied the apothecary, it is for that very rea- 
son ; for those who do won't lend me a farthing. 

385. An old superstitious Roman, who had his buskins 
rateaten, consulted Cato, in a grave manner, what such 



ft* joe miller's jests. 

an accident might portend. Cato bid him set his mind 
at rest, for there would come no. mischief from it. But, 
said the philosopher, if your buskins had eaten the rats, 
it might have been dangerous. 

386. Philip, king of Macedon, after the battle of Che- 
ronea, having generously set all the Athenian prisoners 
free, upon their unconscionably demanding their bag- 
gage, Sure, said he, the men fancy we had but a mock 
fight. 

387. An archbishop finding fault with some actions of 
Queen Elizabeth, brought her good arguments out of the 
scriptures to prove, that they favoured more of the poli- 
tician than the christian. I see, said she, my lord, you 
have read the scriptures, but not the book of Kings. 

388. In a visit Queen Elizabeth made to the famous 
Lord Chancellor Bacon, at a small country seat, which 
he had built for himself before his preferment ; she asked 
him, how it came that he had made himself so small a 
house ? It is not I, madam, answered he, who have 
made my house too small for myself, but your majesty, 
who has made me too big for my house. 

389. Some person praising a generous prince for virtues 
he had not ; Well, said he, I'll do my utmost to hinder 
your telling an untruth. 

390. King William III. being upon a march for some 
secret expedition, was entreated by a general to tell him 
what his design was : the king, instead of answering 
him, asked him, whether, in case he should tell him, he 
could keep it a secret, and would let it go no farther ; the 
general promised it should not. Well, answered his 
majesty, I know how to keep a secret as well as you. 

391. Mr. T — s C — r, the comedian, coming one day to 
his father, begged him to let him have a hundred pounds, 
which would make him perfectly easy in his affairs. 
Why, then, said the father, it is very strange you can't 
live upon your salary, your benefit, and other advantages; 
when I was of your age, I never spent any of my father's 
money. I do not know that, answered the son, but I am 



I 



joe miller's jests. 79 

sure you have spent a great many hundred pounds of my 
father's money. 

392. An ordinary country fellow being called as an 
evidence in a court of judicature, in a cause where the 
terms of mortgager and mortgagee were frequently 
used, the judge asked the countryman if he knew the 
difference between the mortgager and mortgagee : Yes, 
said he, it is the same as between the nodder and nod- 
dee. How is that? replied the judge. Why, you sit 
there, my lord, said the clown, and I nod at you ; then I 
am the nodder, and your lordship is the noddee. 

393. Two fellows meeting, one asked the other, why 
he looked so sad ? I have very good reasons for it, 
answered the other ; poor Jack Such-a-one, the greatest 
crony and best friend I had in the world, was hanged 
but two days ago. What had he done ? said the first. 
Alas, replied the other, he did no more than you or I 
would have done on the like occasion ; he found a bridle 
in the road, and took it up. What ! answered the other, 
hang a man for taking a bridle ! That's hard indeed. 
To tell the truth of the matter, said the other, there was 
a horse at the end of it. 

394. It was a line saying of my lord Russell, who was 
beheaded in the reign of King Charles II., when on the 
scaffold, he delivered his watch to Dr. Gilbert Burnet, 
afterwards bishop of Salisbury : Here, sir, said he, take 
this, it shows time : I am going into eternity, and shall 
have no longer any need of it. 

395. Queen Elizabeth, having taken notice of the 
Duke de Villa Medina's gallant behaviour at a tourna- 
ment, told him one day, that she would absolutely know 
who his mistress was : Villa Medina excused himself 
awhile, but at last yielding to her curiosity, he promised 
to send her her picture. The next morning he sent her 
majesty a packet ; wherein the Queen finding nothing 
but a small looking-glass, presently understood the 
Spaniard's meaning. 

396. A dyer, in a court of justice, being ordered to 



80 joe miller's jests. 

hold up his hand that was all black ; Take off your glove, 
friend, said the judge to him. Put on your spectacles, 
my lord, answered the dyer. 

397. A sober young woman, who was treating with a 
maidservant about work and wages, asked her, among 
other questions, what religion she was of? Alack-a-day, 
madam, said the poor innocent girl, I never trouble my 
head about that ; for religion, I thought, was only for 
gentlefolks. 

398. Admiral Chatillon being on a holiday gone to 
hear mass in the Dominican friars' chapel, a poor fellow 
begged his charity, just as he was most intent on his de- 
votions. He felt in his pocket, and gave him several 
pieces of gold, without counting them, or minding what 
they were. The considerable alms so dazzled the beg- 
gar's eyes, that he was amazed at it. As M. Chatillon 
was going out of the church door, where the poor man 
waited for him ; Sir, said he, showing him what he had 
given him, I cannot tell whether you intended to give 
me so large a sum ; if not, I am very ready to return it. 
The admiral, wondering at the honesty of the man, said, 
I did not, indeed, honest man, intend to have given you 
so much ; but, since you have the generosity to offer to 
return it, I will have the generosity to desire you to keep 
it, and there are five pieces more for you. 

399. A certain captain, who had made a greater figure 
than his fortune could well bear, and the regiment not 
being paid as was expected, was forced to put off a great 
part of his equipage ; a few days after, as he was walk- 
ing by the roadside, he saw one of his soldiers sitting 
cleaning himself under a hedge : What are you doing 
there, Tom? said the officer. Why, faith, sir, answered 
the soldier, I am following your example, getting rid of 
part of my retinue. 

400. One who had formerly been rich, but had squan- 
dered away his estate, and left himself no furniture in 
the house but a sorry bed, a little table, a few broken 
chairs, and some other odd things, seeing a parcel of 
thieves, who knew* not his condition, breaking into his 



JOE miller's jests. 81 

house in the night, he cried out to them, Are not you a 
pack of fools, to think to find anything here in the" dark, 
when I can find nothing by daylight ? 

401. A certain great lord having, by his extravagan- 
cies, run himself over head and ears in debt, and seeming 
very little concerned about it, one of his friends told him 
one day, That he wondered how he could sleep quietly 
in his bed, whilst he was so much in debt. For my part, 
said my lord, I sleep very well ; but I wonder how my 
creditors can. 

402. A bishop of Cervia in Italy came in great haste 
to the Pope, and told him, that it was generally reported 
his holiness had done him the honour to make him gov- 
ernor of Rome. How, said the Pope, don't you know 
that fame spreads a great many false reports ? and I 
dare say you will find this one of them. 

403. A Gascon, one day reading in company a letter 
he had just received from his father, who therein ac^ 
quainted him, that he was threatened with an assessment, 
which would be very hard upon him, whose whole es- 
tate was not above two hundred livres per annum. This 
sum was written in figures, thus (200). But the Gascon 
reading two thousand instead of two hundred, a lady 
that stood behind him, and read the letter without utter- 
ing a word, so that he could not perceive her, hearing 
him say two thousand ; Hold, hold, sir, said she, there 
are but two hundred. Let me be hanged, said he, turn- 
ing about to her, if the coxcomb, meaning his father, has 
not forgot a cipher. 

404. Another Gascon officer, who had served under 
Henry IV. King of France, and not having received any 
pay for a considerable time, came to the king, and con- 
fidently said to him, Sire, three words with your majes- 
ty : Money or discharge. Four with you, answered his 
majesty : Neither one nor t'other. 

405. A certain Italian having wrote a book upon the 
art of making gold, dedicated it to Pope Leo X. in hopes 
of a good reward : His holiness finding the man con- 



82 JOE miller's jests. 

stantly following him, at length gave him. a large empty 
purse, saying, Sir, since you know how to make gold, 
you can have no need of anything but a purse to put 
it in. 

406. A countryman seeing a lady in the street in a 
very odd dress as he thought, begged her to be pleased 
to tell him what she called it. The lady, a little sur- 
prised at the question, called him impertinent fellow. 
Nay, I hope no offence, madam, cried Hodge, I am a 
poor countryman, just going out of town, and my wife 
always expects I should bring her an account of the 
newest fashion, which occasioned my inquiring what you 
call this that you wear. It is a sack, said she, in a great 
pet. I have heard, replied the countryman (heartily 
nettled at her behaviour) of a pig in a poke, but never 
saw a sow in a sack before. 

407. A proud parson, and his man, riding over a com- 
mon, saw a shepherd tending his flock, and having a new 
coat on, the parson asked him, in a haughty tone, who 
gave him that coat ? The same, said the shepherd, that 
clothed you, the parish. The parson, nettled at this, 
rode on a little way, and then bade his man go back, and 
ask the shepherd if he'd come and live with him, for he 
wanted a fool. The man going accordingly to the shep- 
herd, delivered his master's message, and concluded as 
he was ordered, that his master wanted a fool. Why, 
are you going away then ? said the shepherd. No, an- 
swered the other. Then you may tell your master, re- 
plied the shepherd, his living can't maintain three of us. 

408. A lad was running along the gunnel of a ship, 
with a can of flip in his hand, of which he was to have 
part himself, when a cannon ball came suddenly, and 
took off one of his legs ; Look ye there now, said he, all 
the flip's sjrilt. 

409. Lord Falkland, the author of the play, called 
The Marriage Night, was chosen very young to sit in 
parliament ; and when he was first elected, some of the 
members opposed his admission, urging, That he had not 
sown all his wild oats. Then, replied he, it will be the 



JOE MILLER S JESTS. 83 

best way to sow them, in the house, where there are so 
many geese to pick them up. 

410. The Duke of asked a friend, "Who he thought 

had undertaken the most difficult task, Mr. Whist on, in 
his attempts to discover the longitude, or Mr. Lisle, to 
find the philosopher's stone ? The friend answered, that 
he could not tell which was the more arduous task of 
the two which those gentlemen had undertaken, but he 
was sure that he had himself engaged in a much more 
difficult work than either of them. What is that ? said 
his grace. I have been these six years endeavouring to 
prevail on you to pay your debts, replied the friend. 

411. A schoolmaster asking one of his boys, in a sharp 
wintry morning, what was Latin for cold, the boy hesi- 
tated a little : What, sirrah, said he, can't you tell ? 
Yes, yes, replied the boy, I have it at my fingers' ends. 

412. When the gate, which joined to Whitehall, was 
ordered by the House of Commons to be pulled down, 
to make the coach-way more open and commodious, a 
member made a motion, that the other which was con- 
tiguous to it, might be taken down at the same time ; 
which was opposed by a gentleman, who told the house, 
that he had a very high veneration for that fabric, that 
he looked upon it as a noble piece of antiquity ; that he 
had the honour to have lived by it many years ; and 
therefore humbly begged the house would continue the 
honour to him, for it would really make him unhappy to 
be deprived of it now. Counsellor Hungerford second- 
ed the gentleman, and said, 'T would be a thousand pities, 
but he should be indulged to live still by his gate, for he 
was sure he could never live by his style. 

413. A nobleman having presented King Charles II. 
with a fine horse, his majesty bade Killigrew, who was 
present, tell him his age ; whereupon Killigrew went 
and examined the tail ; What are you doing ? said the 
king, that is not the place to find out his age. O ! sir, 
said Killigrew, Your majesty knows one should never 
look a gift horse in the mouth. 



84 joe miller's jests. 

414. A certain poetaster, whose head was full of a 
play of his own writing, was explaining the plot and de- 
sign of it to a courtier. The scene of it, said he, is in 
Cappadocia ; and, to judge rightly of the play, a man 
must transport himself into the country, and get acquaint- 
ed with the genius of the people. You say right, an- 
swered the courtier, and I think it would be best to have 
it acted there. 

415. A young man, w T ho w T as a very great talker, mak- 
ing a bargain w T ith Isocrates to be taught by him, Iso- 
crates asked double the price that his other scholars 
gave him ; and the reason, said he, is, that I must teach 
thee two sciences, one to speak, and the other to hold 
thy tongue. 

416. A certain couple going to Dunmow in Essex, to 
claim the flitch of bacon, which is to be given to every 
married pair, who can swear they had no dispute, nor 
once repented their bargain in a year and a day, the 
steward ready to deliver it, asked where they w^ould put 
it ; the husband produced a bag, and told him, in that. 
That, answered the steward, is not big enough to hold it. 
So I told my wife, replied the good man ; and I believe 
we have had a hundred words about it. Ay, said the 
steward, but they were not such as will butter any 
cabbage to eat with this bacon ; and so hung the flitch 
up again. 

417. Two gentlemen, one named Chambers, the other 
Garret, riding by Tyburn, said the first, This is a very 
pretty tenement, if it had but a Garret. You fool, said 
Garret, don't you know there must be Chambers first ? 

418. Two gentlemen, one named Woodcock, the 
other Fuller, walking together, happened to see an 
owl ; said the last, That bird is very much like a Wood- 
cock. You are very wrong, said the first, for it's Fuller 
in the head, Fuller in the eyes, and Fuller all over. 

419. An arch boy having taken notice of his school- 
master's often reading a chapter in Corinthians, wherein 
is this sentence, ' We shall all be changed in the twink- 



joe miller's jests. 85 

ling of an eye,' privately erased the letter c in the word 
changed. The next time the master read it, we shall all 
be hanged in the twinkling of an eye. 

420. A certain great man, who had been a furious 
party man, and most surprisingly changed sides, by 
which he obtained a coronet, was soon after at cards at 
a place where Lady T — nd was, and complaining in the 
midst of the game, that he had a great pain in his side, 
I thought your lordship had no side, said she. 

421. A gentleman living in Jamaica, not long ago, had 
a wife not of the most agreeable humour in the world ; 
however, as an indulgent husband, he had bought her a 
fine pad, which soon after gave her a fall that broke 
her neck. Another gentleman in the same neighbour- 
hood, blessed likewise with a termagant spouse, asked 
the widower, if he would sell his wife's pad, for lie had 
a great fancy for it, and he would give him what he 
would for it. No, said the other, I don't care to sell it, 
for I am not sure that I shan't marry again. 

422. A scholar of Dr. Busby's coming into a parlour 
where the doctor had laid a fine bunch of grapes for his 
own eating, took it up and said aloud, I publish the 
banns between these grapes and my mouth ; if any one 
knows any just cause or impediment why these two 
should not be joined together, let them declare it. The 
doctor, being but in the next room, overheard all that 
was said, and coming into the school, he ordered the boy 
who had eaten his grapes to be taken up, or, as they 
called it, horsed on another boy's back ; but before he 
proceeded to the usual discipline, he cried out aloud, as 
the delinquent had done: I publish the banns between 
my rod and this boy's breech, if any one knows any just 
cause or impediment why these two should not be joined 
together, let them declare it. I forbid the banns, cried 
the boy. Why so ? said the doctor. Because the 23ar- 
ties are not agreed, replied the boy. Which answer so 
pleased the doctor, who loved to find any readiness of 
wit in his scholars, that he ordered the boy to be set 
down. 



86 joe miller's jests. 

423. The late Sir Robert Henley, who was commonly 
pretty much in debt, walking one day with two or 
three other gentlemen in the Park, was accosted by a 
tradesman, who took him aside for a minute or two, and 
when the baronet rejoined his company, he seemed to be 
in a great passion, which his friends taking notice of, 
asked him what was the matter ? Why the rascal, said 
he, has been dunning me for money I have owed him 
these seven years, with as much impudence as if it was 
a debt of yesterday. 

424. The late Mr. D — t, the player, a man of great 
humanity, as will appear by the story, having heard that 
his landlady's maid had cut her throat with one of his 
razors, of which an account was brought to him behind 
scenes at the time of the play ; D — t, with great con- 
cern and emotion, cried out, Zoons, I hope it was not 
with my best razor ! 

425. Joe Haines, the player, being asked what could 
transport Mr. Collier into so blind a zeal for the general 
suppression of the stage, when only some particular 
authors had abused it ; whereas the stage, he could not 
but know, was generally allowed, when rightly conduct- 
ed, to be a delightful method of mending the morals ? 
For that reason, replied Haines ; Collier is, by profession, 
a moral-mender himself, and two of a trade, you know, 
can never agree. 

426. Some gentlemen being at a tavern together, for 
want of better diversion, one proposed play ; but, said 
another of the company, I have fourteen good reasons 
against gaming. What are- they ? said another. In the 
first place, answered he, I have no money. Oh ! said the 
other, if you had four hundred reasons, you need not 
name another. 

427. A parson, in the country, taking his text from St. 
Matthew, chap. viii. 14, 'And Peter's wife's mother lay 
sick of a fever,' preached for three Sundays together on 
the same subject. Soon after, two country fellows going 
across the church-yard, and hearing the bell toll, one 



JOE miller's jests. 8? 

asked the other, who it was for ? Nay, I can't tell you ; 
perhaps, replied he, it is for Peter's wife's mother, for she 
has been sick of a fever these three weeks. 

428. The Hon. Mr. L — one morning, at the late Sir 
Robert Walpole's levee, as I sat by them, asked John 
Lawton for a j^inch of snuff, who told him he had none 
in his box, for he seldom took any, but now and then to 
keep him awake at church. That, said the other, is the 
most improper thing you can do there ; for it quite de- 
stroys the natural operation of the sermon. 

429. I remember in the reign of the late Queen Anne, 
when disputes ran high between Whig and Tory, some 
persons suffered party to mix in every their minutest ac- 
tion. A Tory would not cock his hat in the same man- 
ner that a Whig did, nor a Whig lady patch her face on 
the same side that the Tory ladies patched theirs. A 
pleasant instance of this strict adherence to party in triv- 
ial affairs, was Dick W — 1, who, being sent to parlia- 
ment on the Tory interest, was resolved to do nothing 
but what was on that side. The house, a few days after 
lie took his seat in it, happening to sit late, a motion was 
made for candles to be brought in, which being put to 
the vote, Dick pulled a high-flying member, who sat near 
him, by the sleeve, and asked him if candles were for the 
church? And being answered in the affirmative, very 
readily gave his voice for them, which otherwise he 
would not have done. 

430. A young fellow, not quite so wise as Solomon, 
eating some Cheshire cheese full of mites, one night at 
the tavern : Xow, said he, have I done as much as Samp- 
son, for I have slain my thousands and my ten thou- 
sands. Yes, answered one of the company, and with the 
same weapon too, the jawbone of an ass. 

431. Poor Joe Miller going one day along the Strand, 
au impudent Derby captain came swaggering up to him, 
and thrust between him and the wall. I don't use to 
give the wall, said he, to every jackanapes. But I do, 
said Joe ; and so made way for- him. 



88 joe miller's jests. 

432. When the late Duke of went over as Lord 

Lieutenant to Ireland, he took an excellent man cook 
with him, but they had not been there above a month, 
when, finding his grace kept a very scurvy house, he 
gave him warning. What's the reason, said the duke, 
that you have a mind to leave me ? Why, if I continue 
with your excellency much longer, answered the cook, I 
shall quite forget my trade. 

433. A certain officer in the guards telling one night, 
in company with Joe Miller, of several wonderful things 
he had seen abroad, among the rest he told the company 
he had seen a pike caught that was six feet long. That's 
a trifle, said Joe, I have seeu a half-pike, in England, 
longer by a foot, and yet not worth twopence. 

434. Jemmy Spiller, another of the jocose comedians, 
going one day through Rag Fair, a place where they 
sell second-hand goods, cheapened a leg of mutton, he 
saw hanging up there, at a butcher's stall. The butcher 
told him it was a groat a pound. Are you not an uncon- 
scionable fellow, said Spiller, to ask such a price, when 
one may have a new one for the same price in Clare 
Market ? 

435. A gentleman having a servant with a very thick 
skull, used often to call him the king of fools. I wish, 
said the fellow one day, you could make your words 
good, I should then be the greatest monarch in the 
world. 

436. A lawyer being sick, made his last will, and gave 
all his estate to fools and madmen ; being asked the rea- 
son for so doing: From such, said he, I had it, and to 
such I give it again. 

437. A thief being brought to Tyburn to be executed, 
the ordinary of Newgate, in taking his last confession, 
asked him if he was not sorry for having committed the 
robbery for which he was going to suffer ? The criminal 
answered, Yes, but that he was more sorry for not hav- 
ing stolen enough to bribe the jury. 

438. A certain poor unfortunate gentleman was so 



89 

often pulled by the sleeve by the bailiffs, that he was in 
continual apprehension of them ; and going one day 
through Tavistock Street, his coat sleeve happened to 
hitch upon the iron spike of one of the rails ; whereupon 
he immediately turned about in a great surprise, and 
cried out, At whose suit, sir ? at whose suit ? 

439. A soldier in the late wars, a little before an en- 
gagement, found a horse-shoe, and stuck it in his girdle ; 
shortly after, in the heat of the action, a bullet came and 
hit him upon that part. Well, said he, I find a little ar- 
mour will serve a turn, if it be put in the right place. 

440. The late famous Arthur Moor, who was much 
in favor with the Tory ministry, in the latter part of 
Queen Anne's reign, had a lady who was reckoned a 
woman of great wit and humour, but of political princi- 
ples quite opposite to those of her husband. After the 
death of the Queen, when it was talked of as if the late 
ministers would have been called to account, my Lord 
B — ke meeting Mrs. Moor one day, in a visit, Well, 
madam, said lie, you hear how terribly we are threat- 
ened ; you'll come, I hope, and see me, when I go to 
Tower Hill ? Upon my word, my lord, said she, I 
should be extremely glad to do it : but I believe I shall 
be engaged another way, for I am told my Snub (the 
name by which she always called her husband) will 
be obliged to go the same day to Tyburn. 

441. The same lady, coming home one evening, told 
her husband she wished him joy, for she heard he was to 
be made a lord. (This was before the death of Queen 
Anne.) And pray, said he, what did they say was to be 
my title ? My Lord Tariff, replied she, which was a 
sneer upon him, for having been engaged in settling a 
tariff of trade which he was thought well skilled in. 
And why don't you, when you hear any one abuse your 
husband, spit in their face ? said he. Xo, I thank you, 
answered the lady, I don't intend to spit myself into a 
consumption. 

442. The late Sir John Tash was a famous wine-mer- 
chant, and sold great quantities of that liquor, but was 



90 



supposed to make it chiefly without much of the juice 
of the grape; therefore Alderman Parsons meeting him 
one day, saluted him by the name of brother brewer. I 
deal in wine, Mr. Alderman, said Sir John, and am no 
brewer. But I know you are, replied the other, and can 
brew more by an inch of candle, than I can with a cal- 
dron of coals. 

443. A late archbishop having promised one of his 
chaplains, who was a favourite, the first good living in 
his gift, that he should like, and think worthy his accept- 
ance ; soon after hearing of the death of an old rector, 
whose parsonage was worth about 300/. a year, sent his 
chaplain to the place to see how he liked it ; the doctor, 
when he came back again, thanked his grace for the of- 
fer he had made him, but said, he had met with such an 
account of the country, and the neighbourhood, as was 
not at all agreeable to him, and therefore should be glad, 
if his grace pleased, to wait till something else fell. An- 
other vacancy not long after happening, the archbishop 
sent him also to view that ; but he returned as before, 
not satisfied with it, which did not much please his grace. 
A third living, much better than either of the others be- 
coming vacant, as he was told, the chaplain was sent to 
take a view of that ; and when he came back, Well, now, 
said my lord, how do you like this last living? what ob- 
jection can you have to this ? I like the country very 
well, my Lord, answered he, and the house, the income, 
and the neighbourhood, but But ! replied the arch- 
bishop, what but can there be then ? But, my lord, said 
he, I found the old incumbent smoking his pipe at the 
gate of his house. 

444. Two city ladies meeting at a visit, one a grocer's 
wife, and the other a cheesemonger's (who perhaps stood 
more upon the punctilio of precedence than some of 
their betters would have done at the court end of the 
town) when they had risen up and taken their leaves, 
the cheesemonger's wife was going out of the room first, 
upon which the grocer's lady, pulling her back by the 
tail of her gown, and stepping before her, No, madam, 
said she, nothing comes after cheese. 



JOE miller's jests. 91 

445. Old Johnson, the player, who was not only a 
very good actor, but a good judge of painting, and re- 
markable for making many dry jokes, was shown a pic- 
ture, done by a very indifferent hand, but much com- 
mended, and was asked his opinion of it. Why, truly, 
said he, the painter is a very good painter, and observes 
the Lord's commandments. What do you mean by that, 
Mr. Johnson ? said one who stood by. Why, I think, 
answered he, that he hath not made to himself the like- 
ness of anything that is in Heaven above, or that is in 
the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the 
earth. 

446. A certain noble lord in the county of Hants, who 
had not much applied himself to letters, and was re- 
markable for his ill-spelling, dining at a neighbouring 
gentleman's house, took notice several times, and com- 
mended a snuff-box he made use of ; when my lord was 
gone away, the gentleman's wife said to her husband, 
My clear, you did not observe how often my lord com- 
mended your snuff-box ; I dare say he would have been 
highly pleased if you had made him an offer of it ; if I 
was you I would send it after him. The gentleman took 
his lady's advice, and the next morning sent a servant 
away with a letter, and the snuff-box, as a present to the 
lord. — The lady judged right, for my lord was mightily 
delighted with it, and returned a most complaisant let- 
ter of thanks for the present, and told the gentleman, in 
his ill-spelling, that he was greatly obliged to him, and 
in a few days would send him an elephant, (equivalent 
lie would have written). Tiie gentleman, not at all lik- 
ing my lord's proposal, sent his servant with a letter 
again next day, telling his lordship, that he was very 
glad the box was so acceptable to him, and thanking 
him for the honour he designed him, but begged he 
would not think of sending what he mentioned, for it 
would not only be attended with an expense, which he 
could not very well afford, being such a devouring ani- 
mal, but would bring such numbers of people to see it, 
that it would make his house a perfect house of call. 
My lord, a little while after, meeting the gentleman, told 



92 joe miller's jests. 

« 

him, he was surprised at his letter, and could not ima- 
gine what he meant by it. The elephant, said he, that 
your lordship spoke of sending me. Elephant ! said the 
learned lord, how could a man of your understanding make 
such a mistake ? I said I would send you an equivalent. 
I beg your lordship's pardon, returned the gentleman, 
and am ashamed of being such a dunce that I could not 
read your lordship's letter. 

447. Young Griffith Lloyd, of the county of Cardigan, 
being sent to Jesus College, Oxford, where he was 
looked upon as an errant dunce, wore a calf-skin waist- 
coat, tanned with the hair on, and trimmed with a broad 
gold lace, and gold buttons. One of the Oxonians, an 
eminent punster, said, that Griffith was like a dull book, 
bound in calf-skin, and gilt, but very ill-lettered. 

448. Old G , the rich miser of Gloucestershire, 

going home one day, between Wickivarr and Badmin- 
ton, the way being greasy, after a shower of rain, his 
foot slipped, and he fell off a high bank into a wet ditch, 
where he was almost smothered ; a countryman, who 
knew his character, coming by, he begged him, for God's 
sake, to help him. Ay, said the countryman, give me 

your hand. Give being a word that old G had a 

great aversion to, cried out, I thank you, honest friend, 
I will lend you my hand with all my heart. I have 
often heard, said the other, that you would never give 
anything in your life, so you may lie there ; and on 
he walked. 

449. An old woman at the head of a table, said a sa- 
tirical young one, seems to revive the old Grecian cus- 
tom of serving up a death's head with their banquets. 

450. The famous Tony Lee, a player in King Charles 
the Second's reign, being killed in a tragedy, having a 
violent cold, could not forbear coughing as he lay dead 
upon the stage, which occasioned a good deal of laugh- 
ter and noise in the house ; he lifted up his head, and 
speaking to the audience, said, This makes good what 
my poor mother used to tell me ; for she would often 
say that I should cough in my grade, because I used to 



JOE MILLEC'S JESTS. 93 

drink in my porridge. This set the house in such good 
humour, that it produced a thundering peal of applause, 
and made every one very readily pardon the solecism he 
had before committed. 

451. Tom S — , the organist of St. M — , being reckon- 
ed to have a fine finger, drew many people to hear him, 
whom he would oftentimes entertain with a voluntary 
after evening service, and his auditory seeming one day 
greatly delighted with his performance, after the church 
was cleared, Adad, sir, said his organ-blower, who was 
an idiot, I think we did rarely to-day. We, sirrah ! said 
Tom. Ay, we, to be sure, answered the other ; what 
would you have done without me ? The next Sunday, 
Tom sitting down to play, could not make his organ 
speak, whereupon, calling to the bellows-blower, asked 
him what lie meant ? why he did not blow ? Shall it be 
Ave, then ? said the other. 

452. A certain French gentleman, having been but a 
very little while in England, was invited to a friend's 
house, where a large bowl of punch was made, a liquor 
he had never seen before, and which did not at all agree 
with him ; but having forgot the name of it, he asked a 
person the next day, What dey call a dat liqur in Eng- 
land, which is all de contradiction ; where is de brandy 
to make it strong, and de vater to make it small, de 
sugar to make it sweet, and de lemons to make it sower. 
Punch, answered the other, I suppose you mean. Ay, 
ponche, begar, cried monsieur, it almost ponche my 
brain out last night. 

453. The famous Captain Fitzpatrick, who married 
'Squire Western's niece, and was reckoned an excellent 
hand at making bulls, was walking one day with two or 
three ladies, a little way out of West Chester, with his 
hat under his arm ; the wind blowing very hard, one of 
the ladies said, I wonder, captain, you will be so cere- 
monious to walk bare-headed in such boisterous weather; 
pray, sir, put on your hat. Arrah, by my shoul, dear 
madam, answered the captain, I have been after trying 
two or three times already, and the wind is so high, that 



94 joe miller's jests. 

I can't keep my hat upon my head any longer than 'tis 
under my arm. 

454. The same gentleman being with the aforesaid la- 
dies, in a nobleman's garden, where there was a large 
iron roller, told them, he thought it was the biggest iron 
rolling-stone he had ever seen in his life. 

45*. A philosopher being blamed by a stander-by, for 
defending an argument weakly against the Emperor 
Adrian, replied, What ! would you have me contend 
with a man that commands thirty legions of soldiers ? 

•456. A painter turned physician ; upon which change, 
a friend applauded him, saying, You have done well, 
for before, your faults could be discovered by the naked 
eye, but now they are hid. 

457. Bishop Latimer preaching at court, said, that it 
was reported the king was poor, and that they were 
seeking ways and means to make him rich ; but he added, 
For my part, I think the best way to make the king rich, 
would be to give him a good post, or office, for all his 
officers are rich. 

458. Zelim, the first of the Ottoman Emperors that 
shaved his beard, his predecessors having always worn it 
long, being asked by one of his bashaws, why he altered 
the custom of his predecessors? answered, Because you 
bashaws shall not lead me by the beard, as you did them. 

459. It being told Antigonus, in order to intimidate 
him, as he inarched to the field of battle, that the enemy 
would shoot such volleys of arrows, as would intercept 
the light of the sun. I am glad of it, replied he, for it 
being very hot, we shall then fight in the shade. 

460. A sailor having received ten guineas for turning 
Roman Catholic, said to the priest who paid him the 
money, Sir, you ought to give me ten guineas more, be- 
cause it is so hard to believe transubstantiation. 

461. One seeing an affected coxcomb buying books, 
told him, His bookseller was properly his upholsterer, for 
he furnished his room rather than his head. 



JOE MILLER S JESTS. 95 

462. An arch wag once said, That tailors were like 
woodcocks, for they got their sustenance by their long 
bills. 

463. A complaint being made to the court of Spain of 
a certain Viceroy of Mexico, the Secretary of State, who 
was his friend, wrote him word, that he was accused at 
court of having extorted great sums of money from the 
people under his government ; which I hope, said the 
Secretary, is true, or else you are undone. 

464. At a religious meeting a lady persevered in stand- 
ing on a bench, and thus intercepting the view of others, 
though repeatedly requested to sit down. A reverend 
old gentleman at last rose, and said gravely, I think, if 
the lady knew that she had a large hole in each of her 
stockings, she would not exhibit them in this way. This 
had the desired effect — she immediately sunk down on 
her seat. A young minister standing by, blushed to the 
temples, and said, O, brother, how could you say what 
was not the fact ? Not the fact ! replied the old gentle- 
man ; if she had not a large hole in each of her stock- 
ings, I should like to know how she gets them on. 

465. A gentleman in the country having the misfor- 
tune to have his wife hang herself on an apple tree, a 
neighbour of his came to him and begged he would give 
him a scion of that tree, that he might graft it upon one 
in his own orchard ; for who knows, said he, but it may 
bear the same fruit ! 

466. St. Evremond said, in defence of Cardinal Maz- 
arine, when he was reproached with neglecting the good 
of the kingdom that he might engross the riches of it, 
Well, let him get all the riches, and then he will think 
of the good of the kingdom, for it will be all his own. 

467. The late Earl of S — kept an Irish footman, who, 
perhaps, was as expert in making bulls as the most learned 
of his countrymen. My lord having sent him one day 
with a present to a certain judge, the judge in return 
sent my lord half-a-dozen live partridges with a letter ; 
the partridges fluttering in the basket upon Teague's 



96 joe miller's jests. 

back, as he was carrying them home, he set down the 
basket, and opened the lid of it to quiet them, where- 
upon they all flew away. Oh ! the devil burn ye, said 
he, I am glad you are gone. But when he came home, 
and my lord had read the letter, Well, Teague, said my 
lord, I find there are half-a-dozen partridges in the letter. 
Arrah now, dear sir, said Teague, I am glad you have 
found them in the letter, for they are all lost out of the 
basket. 

468. The same nobleman going out one day, called 
Teague to the side of his chariot, and bade him tell Mr. 
Such-a-one, if he came, that he should be at home at din- 
ner-time. But when my lord was got across the square 
in which he lived, Teague came puffing after him, and 
calling to the coachman to stop ; upon which my lord, 
pulling the string, desired to know what Teague wanted ; 
My lord, said he, you bade me tell Mr. Such-a-one, if he 
came, that you would dine at home ; but what must I 
say if he don't come ? 

469. A tailor's boy being at church, heard it said that 
a remnant only should be saved. Egad, said the boy, 
then my master makes plaguy long remnants. 

470. The renowned Mr. Wh — n, the famous astron- 
omer, had made a calculation that the world would be at 
an end in fifteen years, and some time after offered to 
dispose of an estate ; he asked the gentleman who was 
about it, at the rate of thirty years purchase, upon which 
the gentleman, in great surprise, demanded how he could 
ask so many years purchase, when he very well knew 
the world would be at an end in half the time. 

471. Some thievish fellows being at a tavern, they 
agreed amongst themselves to steal the silver cup that 
was brought up to them, and when they were going 
by the bar, You are welcome, gentlemen, kindly wel- 
come, cried the landlord. Ah, said the fellow with the 
cup to himself, I wish we were well gone too. 

472. A waterman belonging to the Tower, being put 
by one of the players into the upper gallery in Covent 



joe filler's jests. 97 

Garden playhouse, the fellow, not being very sober, and 
falling asleep, tumbled into the pit ; but having the old 
proverb on his side, received little or no hurt; and being 
told by some of his companions that he was now free of 
the house, he went to Mr. Rich (the then manager) to put 
in his claim, who very readily allowed it, with this pro- 
viso, that he should always go out the same way he had 
come in. 

473. One told another, who did not use to be clothed 
over often, that his new coat was too short for him; 
That's true, answered his friend, but it will be long 
enough before I get another. 

474. A gentleman who was travelling in Italy, saw one 
day, as he passed along the road near Xaples, a man 
standing up to his chin in a puddle of dirty water ; not 
able to guess at the meaning of it, he cried out to him, 
What are you catching there, friend ? Cold, replied the 
other, for I have to sing the bass part at the opera to- 
night. But suppose, said the gentleman, you catch your 
death. Why, then, said the other, the opera will be 
damned. 

475. In the reign of Queen Anne, when it was said 
Lord Orford had got a number of peers made at once, to 
serve a particular turn, being met next day by Lord 
Wharton, — So, Robin, said he, I find what you lost by 
tricks you have gained by honours. 

476. A young gentleman who had stolen a ward, being 
in suit for her fortune, before a late lord chancellor, and 
the counsel insisting much on the equity of decreeing her 
a fortune for her maintenance, his lordship turned briskly 
upon him with this sentence, That since the suitor had 
stolen the flesh, he should get bread to it how he could. 

477. A country fellow, who had served several years 
in the army abroad, when the war was over, coming 
home to his friends, was received amongst them witn 
great rejoicing, and the miraculous stories related by him 
were heard with no small pleasure. Well, said the old 
father, and pry thee Jack, what didst thou learn there? 



98 JOE MILLER S JESTS. 

Learn, sir, why I learnt to know that when I turned my 
shirt, the vermin had a day's march to my skin again. 

478. An Irish barrister had a client of his own coun- 
try who was a sailor, and having been at sea for some 
time, his wife was married again in his absence, so he 
was resolved to prosecute her; and coming to advise 
with the counsellor, told him he must have witnesses to 
prove that he was alive when his wife married again. 
Arrah, by my shoul, but that shall be impossible, said the 
other, for my shipmates are all gone to sea again upon a 
long voyage, and shan't return this twelve-month. Oh ! 
then, answered the counsellor, there can be nothing done 
in it, and what a pity it is that such a brave cause should 
be lost now, only because you cannot prove yourself to 
be alive. 

479. King Charles the First being prevailed upon by 
one of his courtiers to knight a very worthless fellow, of 
mean aspect, when he was going to lay the sword upon 
his shoulder the new knight drew a little back, and hung 
down his head as out of countenance ; Don't be ashamed, 
said the king, 'tis I have most reason to be so. 

480. One said Sir John Cutler looked very dismally 
when night came on, not because it brought darkness 
with it, but because daylight saved him a candle. 

481. A man was reproached by another with barbar- 
ity in beating his wife so severely as he often did ; Go, 
you are a fool, and ignorant of the scriptures, said he, 
else you would know that it was a proof of my love for 
her, otherwise I would not be at the trouble ; but he that 
the Lord loveth he chastizeth, and so do I. 

482. An Irish soldier once returning from battle in the 
night, marching a little way behind his companion, called 
out to him, Hollo, Pat, I have catch'd a tartar ! Bring 
him along then ! Ay, but he won't come. Why then 
come away without him. By Jasus, but he won't let me ! 

483. A very harmless Irishman, eating an apple-pie 
with some quinces in it, Arrah now, dear honey, said he, 



joe miller's jests. 99 

if a few of these quinces give such a flavour, how would 
an apple-pie taste made all of quinces ? 

484. The late duke of Wharton, going through Hol- 
born in a hackney coach, with Phil. F — , saw a fellow 
drumming before the door of a puppet-show ; Now, this 
is a pretty employment, Phil., said the duke ; if you 
were reduced so low, that you were obliged to be either 
a highwayman or drummer to a puppet-show, which 
would you choose ? Faith, my lord, answered Phil., I 
would be the highwayman rather than the other. Ay, 
replied the duke, that confirms the opinion I always had 
of you, that you have more pride than honesty. 

485. Sir T. P. once in parliament brought in a bill that 
wanted some amendment, which being not attended to 
by the house, he frequently repeated that he thirsted to 
mend his bill. Upon which a worthy member got up, 
and said, Mr. Speaker, I humbly move, since the honour- 
able member thirsts so very much, that he may be al- 
lowed to mend his draught. This put the house in such 
a good humour, that his request was granted. 

486. An English gentleman asked Sir Richard Steele, 
who was an Irishman, What was the reason that his 
countrymen were so remarkable for blundering and mak- 
ing bulls ? Faith, said the knight, I believe there is 
something in the air of Ireland ; and I dare say, if an 
Englishman was born there he would do the same. 

487. A gentleman who was a staunch Whig, disput- 
ing with a Jacobite, said, he had two good reasons for 
being against the interest of the pretender : What are 
those ? said the other. The first, replied he, is, that he 
is an impostor, not really King James's son : Why, that, 
said the Tory, would be a good reason, if it could be 
proved. And, pray, sir, what is your other ? Why, said 
the Whig, that he is King James's son. 

488. Although the infirmities of nature are not proper 
subjects to be made a jest of, yet when people take a 
great deal of pains to conceal what everybody sees, there 
is nothing more ridiculous : of this sort was old Cross 



100 joe miller's jests. 

the player, who, being very deaf, did not care anybody 
should know it. Honest Joe Miller going with a friend 
one day along Fleet Street, and seeing old Cross on the 
other side of the way, told his acquaintance he should 
see some sport ; so beckoning to Cross with his finger, 
and stretching open his mouth as wide as he could, as if 
he hallooed to him, though he said nothing, the old fel- 
low came puffing from the other side of the way ; What 
the deuce, said he, do you make such a noise for ? do 
you think one can't hear ? 

489. There is in Rome a certain broken statue called 
Pasquin, to which, in the night time, people affix the 
libels they dare not own ; a kind of dumb satire on the 
vices of the grandees, not sparing even the Pope him- 
self, as may be seen by the following story : — A late 
Pope, being descended from a very mean family, on his 
advancement to the holy see, bestowed great preferment 
on most of his poor relations ; whereupon Pasquin, on 
the next great festival, early in the morning, was observ- 
ed to have an extremely dirty shirt on, with a scroll of 
paper in his hand, whereon was written, How now, Pas- 
quin ? What ! so dirty upon a holiday? and under that 
his answer : Alas ! I have no clean linen, my washerwo- 
man is made a princess. 

490. An Irishman and an Englishman falling out, the 
Hibernian told him if he did not hold his tongue, he 
would break his impenetrable head and let the brains out 
of his empty skull ! 

491. Rogers, when a certain M.P. wrote a review of 
his poems, and said he wrote very well for a banker, 
wrote in return, the following : 

They say he has no heart, but I deny it : 
He has a heart, he gets his speeches by it. 

492. A prisoner being brought up to Bow Street, the 
following dialogue passed between him and the sitting 
magistrate : — How do you live? Pretty well, sir, gener- 
ally a joint and pudding at dinner. I mean, sir, how do 
you get your bread? I beg your worship's pardon; 



joe miller's jests. 101 

sometimes at the baker's, and sometimes at the chan- 
dler's shop. You may be as witty as you please, sir ; 
but I mean simply to ask you how do you do ? Tolera- 
bly well, I thank your worship : I hope your worship is 
well. 

493. When Citizen Th el wall was on his trial at the 
Old Bailey for high treason, during the evidence for the 
prosecution, he wrote the following note, and sent it to 
his counsel, Mr. Erskine : I am determined to plead my 
cause myself. Mr. Erskine wrote under it : If you do 
you'll be hanged ; — to which Thelwall immediately re- 
turned this reply : I'll be hanged if I do. 

494. Chateauneuf, keeper of the seals under Louis 
XIII. when a boy of only nine years old, was asked 
many questions by a bishop, and gave very prompt 
answers to them all. At length the prelate said, I will 
give you an orange if you will tell me where God is ? 
My lord, replied the boy, I will give you two if you will 
tell me where He is not. 

495. A Mr. Johnstone having been lost in the dread- 
ful conflagration of the Theatre Royal Covent Garden, 
Mr. John Johnstone, of Drury Lane, received a letter 
from an Irish friend, requesting to know, by the return 
of post, if it was he that was really burned or not. 

496. A gentleman who lived in Great Turnstile, Hol- 
born, being the subject of conversation in a party, a per- 
son inquired where he lived, if he had a large house, 
kept a good table, &c. Oh ! yes, answered another, he 
lives in the greatest stile in Holborn. 

497. Gentleman and ladies, — said the facetious Beau 
Nash, the then master of the ceremonies for Bath, intro- 
ducing a most lovely woman into the ball-room, — this is 
Mrs. Hobson. I have often heard of Hobson's choice, 
but never had the pleasure to view it until now, and you 
must coincide with me that it reflects credit on his taste. 

498. A o-entleman on circuit narratino; to Lord Xor- 
bury some extravagant feat in sporting, mentioned that 
he had lately shot thirty-three hares before breakfast. 



102 JOE miller's jests. 

Thirty-three hairs ! exclaimed his lordship ; Zounds, 
sir ! then you must have been firing at a wig. 

499. During Lord Townshend's residence in Dublin, 
as viceroy, he often went in disguise through the city. 
He had heard much of the wit of a shoeblack, known by 
the name of Blind Peter, whose stand was always at the 
Globe Coffee-house door ; having found him out, he stop- 
ped to get his boots cleaned ; which was no sooner done 
than his lordship asked Peter to give him change for a 
guinea. A guinea ! your honour, said the ragged wit, 
change for a guinea from me ! Sir, you may as well ask 
a Highlander for a knee-buckle. His lordship was so well 
pleased, that he left him the gold. 

500. A late nobleman, who was very avaricious, was 
upon the same good terms with his lady as the elements 
of water and lightning when they encounter in the at- 
mosphere. I am of opinion, my lord, said her ladyship, 
that you would marry the devil's daughter, after my de- 
cease, if her dowry were equal to your expectations. 
That is impossible, my lady, replied the earl, for it is 
contrary to the law of England to marry two sisters. 

501. A gentleman staying late one night at the tavern, 
his wife sent his servant for him about twelve. John, 
said he, go home and tell your mistress it can be no 
more. The man returned, by his mistress's order, again 
at one, the answer then was, it could be no less. But, 
sir, said the man, day has broke. With all my heart, 
replied the master, he owes me nothing. But the sun is 
up, sir. And so he ought to be, John, ought he not ? He 
has farther to go than we have, I am sure. 

502. A noisy talkative spark, who had a handsome 
place in the king's revenue, more than he merited, was 
holding an argument one day with a gentleman, at a 
public coffee-house ; the controversy turned upon some 
point of government, and his antagonist, who had some- 
what galled him by the strength of his argument, refer- 
red him to such a place in history, where he would find 
how much he was mistaken in the dispute. Phoo, said 
said he, d'ye think I have no other business but to read 



JOE milleb's jests. 103 

histories ? Faith, said the other, 'tis pity you had, till 
you had read a little more. 

503. Susan, a country girl, desirous of matrimony, re- 
ceived from her mistress a present of a hi. bank note for 
her marriage portion. Her mistress wished to see the 
object of Susan's favour ; and a very diminutive fellow, 
swarthy as a Moor, and ugly as an ape, made his appear- 
ance. Ah, Susan, said her mistress, what a strange choice 
you have made ! La, ma'am, said Susan, in such hard 
times as these, when almost all the tall fellows are gone 
for soldiers, what more of a man than this can you ex- 
pect for a bl. note ? 

504. There happened, when Swift was at Larcone in 
Ireland, the sale of a farm and stock, the farmer being- 
dead. Swift chanced to walk past during the auction, 
just as a pen of poultry had been put up. Roger (Swift's 
clerk) bid for them, but was overbid by a farmer of the 
name of Hatch. What, Roger, won't you buy the poul- 
try ? exclaimed Swift. No, sir, said Roger, I see they 
are just a going to Hatch. 

505. In a debate on the leather tax, in 1 705, in the Irish 
House of Commons, the Chancellor of the Exchequer (Sir 

John P ) observed, with great emphasis, That, in 

the prosecution of the present Avar, every man ought 
to give his last guinea to protect the remainder. Mr. 
Vandelure said, that however that might be, the tax on 
leather would be severely felt by the barefooted peasant- 
ry of Ireland. To which Sir Boyle Roache replied, that 
this could be easily remedied, by making the under- 
leathers of wood. 

506. Lieutenant Connolly, an Irishman in the service 
of the United States, during the American war, chanced 
to take three Hessian prisoners himself, without any as- 
sistance. Being asked by the commander in chief how 
he had taken them? I surrounded them, was the answer. 

507. A seedsman being held to bail for having used in- 
flammatory language respecting the reform bill, a wag ob- 
served, It was probably in the line of his profession — to 
promote business, he wished to sow sedition. 



104 joe 

508. When Quin and Garrick performed at the same 
theatre, and in the same play, the night being very 
stormy, each ordered n chair. To the mortification of 
Quin, Mr. Garrick' s chair came up first. Let me get 
into the chair, cried the surly veteran — let me get into 
the chair, and put little Davy into the lantern. By all 
means, said Garrick ; I shall ever be happy to give Mr. 
Quin light in anything. 

509. The late Richard Russel, esq. had a renter's share 
at Drury Lane, where he used to go almost every even- 
ing ; and, notwithstanding his immense fortune, his pen- 
ury was so great, that rather than give a trifle to any of 
the women who attended in the lobby-box to take care 
of his great coat on an evening, he used constantly to 
pledge it for a shilling, at a pawnbroker's near the the- 
atre, and redeem it when the performance was over, 
which cost him one halfpenny interest. 

510. A mountebank, expatiating on the virtues of his 
drawing salve, and reciting many instances of its success, 
was interrupted by an old woman, who asserted, rather 
iron-ically, that she had seen it draw out of a door four 
rusty tenpenny nails, that defied the united efforts of two 
of the strongest blacksmiths, with their hammers and 
pincers. 

511. At the close of that season in which Shuter, the 
comedian, first became so universally and deservedly cele- 
brated in his Master Stephen, in the revived comedy of 
Every Man in his Humour, he was engaged for a few 
nights, in a principal city in the north of England. It 
happened that the coach in which he went down (and in 
which there was only an old gentleman and himself) was 
stopped on the other side of Finchley Common by a high- 
wayman. The old gentleman, in order to save his own 
money, pretended to be asleep ; but Shuter resolved to 
be even with him. Accordingly, when the highwayman 
presented his pistol, and commanded Shuter to deliver his 
money instantly, or he was a dead man — Money ! returned 
he, with an idiotic shrug, and a countenance inexpressibly 
vacant ; Oh ! Lord, sir, they never trusts me with any ; for 



joe miller's jests. 105 

nuncle here always pays for me, turnpikes and all, your 
honour ! Upon which the highwayman giving him a few 
curses for his stupidity, complimented the old gentleman 
with a smart slap on the face to awaken him, and robbed 
him of every shiling ; while Shuter, who did not lose a 
single farthing, with great satisfaction and merriment, 
pursued his journey, laughing heartily at his fellow- 
traveller. 

512. This excellent comedian was once in disgrace with 
the audience, in consequence of irregularities : — they de- 
manded an apology. Shuter was somewhat tardy ; and 
a lady was going on with her part ; but the audience 
called out, Shuter ! Shuter ! — the arch comedian peeped 
from behind the curtain, and said, Pray do not shoot her ; 
the lady is innocent, the fault is entirely my own. This 
put the house in good humour, and Shuter was received 
with applause. 

513. Two sailors, the one Irish, the other English, 
agreed reciprocally to take care of each other, in case of 
either being wounded in an action then about to com- 
mence. It was not long before the Englishman's leg was 
shot off by a cannon-ball ; and on asking Paddy to carry 
him to the doctor according to their agreement, the other 
very readily complied ; but had scarcely got his wound- 
ed conrpanion on his back when a second ball struck off 
the poor fellow's head. Paddy, through the noise and 
bustle, had not perceived his friend's last misfortune, but 
continued to make the best of his way to the surgeon. 
An officer observing him with the headless trunk, asked 
him where he was going ? To the doctor, said Paddy. 
To the doctor ! said the officer, why, blockhead, the man 
has lost his head. On hearing this, he flung the body 
from his shoulders, and looking at it very attentively, By 
my shoul, said he, he told me it was his leg, but I was a 
fool to believe him, for he was always a great liar. 

514. C. Bannister employed his tailor to make him a 
pair of small-clothes, and sent him an old pair as a pat- 
tern. "When the new ones came home, Charles com- 
plained that there was no fob. I didn't think you wanted 



106 JOE miller's jests. 

one, said Snip, since I found the duplicate of your watch 
in the old pocket ! 

515. What's the matter ? inquired a passer-by, observ- 
ing a crowd collected around a black fellow, whom an 
officer was attempting to secure, to put on board an out- 
ward-bound whale ship, from which he had deserted. 
Matter ! matter enough, (exclaimed the delinquent,) press- 
ing a poor negro to get oil. 

516. In a small party, the subject turning on matrimo- 
ny, a lady said to her sister, I wonder, my dear, you have 
never made a match, I think you want the brimstone. To 
which she replied, Xo, not the brimstone, only the spark. 

517. A mischievous English rider, who happened to 
sleep at an inn with an Irishman, whose naked leg was 
hanging over the bed, wantonly buckled a spur round his 
ancle. In tossing about in his slumbers, Pat drew his 
foot across the other leg, and mangled it most cruelly. 
On discovering his situation, he knocked up the bootjack- 
boy, and swore at him for an awkward scoundrel, for 
taking off his boots and letting a spur remain on. 

518. An Irish clergyman having gone to visit the por- 
traits of the Scottish kings in Holyrood House, observed 
one of the monarchs of a very youthful appearance, while 
his son was depicted with a long beard, and wore the 
traits of extreme old age. Sancta Maria, exclaimed the 
good Hibernian, is it possible that this gentleman was an 
old man when his father was born ! 

519. Mr. Watson, uncle to the late Marquis of Rock- 
ingham, a man of immense fortune, finding himself at the 
point of death, desired a friend who was present, to open 
him a drawer, in which was an old shirt, that he might 
put it on. Being asked why he would wish to change 
his linen when he was so ill, he replied, Because I am told 
that the shirt I die in must be the nurse's perquisite, and 
that is good enough for her ! — This was as bad as the old 
woman, who, with her last breath, blew out an inch of 
candle, Because, said she, I can see to die in the dark ! 

520. An officer had the misfortune to be severely 



joe miller's jests. 107 

wounded in an engagement. As he lay on the field, an 
unfortunate near him, who was also *badly wounded, gave 
vent to his agony in dreadful howls, which so irritated 
the officer, who bore his own suffering in silence, that he 
exclaimed, What do you make such a noise for ? Do you 
think nobody is killed but yourself? 

521. The love of long christian names by the Spaniards 
has frequently been an object of ridicule. A Spaniard 
on his travels arrived in the night at a little village in 
France, in which there was but one hotel. As it was al- 
most midnight, he knocked at the door a long while with- 
out hearing any one stir. At length the host putting his 
head out of his chamber window, asked who was there? 
The Spaniard replied, Don Juan Pedro Hernandez Rodri- 
guez Alvarez de Villa-nova, Count de Malafra, Cavallero 
de Santiago de Alcantara. Mercy on me ! said the host, 
as he shut the window, I have but two spare beds, and 
vou ask me lodging: for a score! 

522. A gentleman, of the name of Pepper, having in- 
formed a noble amateur in the sports of the field, that he 
had a very hot and lively horse, which had flung him in 
the course of a chase on the preceding day, a conversa- 
tion ensued on the. qualities of the animal. In reply to a 
question as to the name of the horse, the gentleman 
stated that he had not yet given it one, and was at a loss 
what to call him. A name, a name, said Lord X., why, 
sir, you should call him Peppercaster. 

523. A wag passing through a country town, observed 
a fellow placed in the stocks. My friend, said he, I ad- 
vise you by all means to sell out. I should have no 
objection, your honour, he replied drily, but at present 
they seem much too low. 

524. Two Irishmen about to be hanged during the re- 
bellion of 1798, the gallows was erected over the margin 
of a river. When the first man was drawn up, the rope 
gave way, he fell into the stream, and escaped by swim- 
ming. The remaining culprit, looking up to the execu- 
tioner, said, with genuine native simplicity, and an earn- 
estness that evinced his sincerity, Do, good Mr. Ketch, 



108 joe miller's jests. 

if you please, tie me up tight, for, if the rope breaks, I'm 
sure to be drowned, for I can't swim a stroke. 

525. A country justice of the peace, when upwards of 
seventy years of age, married a girl about nineteen, and 
being well aware that he was likely to be rallied on the 
subject, he resolved to be prepared. Accordingly, when 
any of his intimate friends called upon him, after the first 
salutations were passed, he was sure to begin the conver- 
sation, by saying, he believed he could tell them news. 
Why, said he, I have married my tailor's daughter. If 
he was asked why he did so ? the old gentleman replied, 
Why, the father suited me so well for forty years past, 
that I thought the daughter might suit me for forty years 
to come. 

526. Sheridan inquiring of his son what side of politics 
he should espouse on his inauguration to St. Stephen's 
Chapel ; the son replied, that he intended to vote for 
those who offered best, and that in consequence he should 
wear on his forehead a label, c To let.' To which the 
facetious critic. rejoined, I suppose, Tom, you mean to 
add, c unfurnished ' ? 

527. A certain person asking a merry Andrew, why 
he played the fool ? For the same reason, said he, that 
you do, out of want — you do it for want of wit, and I do 
it for want of money. 

528. David Garrick was once on a visit at Mr. Rigby's 
seat, Mistley Hall, Essex, when Dr. Gough formed one 
of the party. Observing the potent appetite of the 
learned doctor, Garrick indulged in some coarse jests on 
the occasion, to the great amusement of the company, the 
doctor excepted ; who, when the laugh had subsided, 
thus addressed the party : — Gentlemen, you must doubt- 
less suppose from the extreme familiarity with which Mr. 
Garrick has thought fit to treat me, that I am an ac- 
quaintance of his ; but I can assure you that, till I met 
him here, I never saw him but once before, and then I 
paid five shillings for the sight. Roscius was silent. 

529. Mr. Carbonel, the wine-merchant who served 



joe miller's jests. 109 

George the Third, was a great favourite with the king, 
and used to be admitted to the royal hunts. Returning 
from the chase one day, his majesty entered affably into 
conversation with him, and they rode side by side a con- 
siderable way. Lord Walsingham was in attendance ; 
and watching an opportunity, took Mr. Carbonel aside, 
and whispered something to him. What's that ? what's 
that YValsingharn has been saying to you ? inquired the 
good-humoured monarch. I find, sir, I have been unin- 
tentionally guilty of disrespect ; my lord informed me 
that I ought to have taken off my hat whenever I ad- 
dressed your majesty; but your majesty will please to 
observe, that whenever I hunt, my hat is fastened to my 
wig, and my wig is fastened to my head, and I am on 
the back of a very high-spirited horse, so that if anything 
goes off, we must all go off together ! The king laughed 
heartily at the whimsical apology. 

530. In the campaign of 1812, a distinguished officer 
of the French army was severely wounded in the leg. 
The surgeons on consulting, declared that amputation 
was indispensable. The general received the intelligence 
with much composure. Among the persons who sur- 
rounded him, he observed his valet-de-chambre, who 
showed by his profound grief the deep share which he 
took in the melancholy accident. Why do you weep, 
Germain ? said his master, smiling to him. It is a for- 
tunate thing for you: you will have only one boot to 
clean in future. 

531. So ungrateful was the sound of c Wilkes and Xo. 
45 ' (the famous number of the ' North Briton') deemed 
to be to a high personage, that about 1772, a Prince of 
the Blood (George IV.) then a mere boy, having been 
chid for some boyish fault, and wishing to take his boy- 
ish revenge, is related to have done so by stealing to the 
king's apartments, and shouting at the door, ' Wilkes and 
45 for ever !' and running away. It is hardly necessary 
to add, (for who knows not the domestic amiableness of 
George III. ?) that his majesty laughed at the thing with 
his accustomed o-ood humour. 



110 joe miller's jests. 

582. Admiral Lord Howe, when a captain, was once 
hastily awakened in the middle of the night by the lieu- 
tenant of the watch, who informed him with great agita- 
tion, that the ship was on fire near the magazine. If that 
be the case, said he, rising leisurely to put on his clothes, 
we shall soon know it. The lieutenant flew back to the 
scene of danger, and almost instantly returning, ex- 
claimed, You need not, sir, be afraid, the fire is extin- 
guished. Afraid ! exclaimed Howe, what do you mean 
by that, sir ? I never was afraid in my life ; and looking 
the lieutenant full in the face, he added, Pray how does 
a man feel, sir, when he is afraid ? I need not ask how 
he looks. 

533. The late Councillor Caldbeck, of the Irish bar, 
who drudged in his profession till he was near eighty, 
being a king's counsel, frequently went circuit, as judge 
of assize when any one of the twelve judges was pre- 
vented by illness. On one of those occasions, a fellow 
was convicted before him at Wexford for bigamy ; and 
when the learned counsel came to pass sentence, after 
lecturing the fellow pretty roundly upon the nature of 
his uxorious crime, added, The only punishment which 
the law authorizes me to inflict is, that you be trans- 
ported to parts beyond the seas for the term of seven 
years ; but if I had my will, you should not escape with 
so mild a punishment, for I would sentence you for the 
term of your natural life — to live in the same house with 
both your wives. 

534. A tailor following the army, was wounded in the 
head by an arrow. When the surgeon saw the wound, 
he told his patient, that as the weapon had not touched 
his brain, there was no doubt of his recovery. The tailor 
said, If I had possessed any brains, I should not have 
been here. 

535. A young woman had laid a wager she would de- 
scend into a vault, in the middle of the night, and bring 
from thence a skull. The person who took the wager, 
previously hid himself in the vault, and as the girl seized 
a skull, cried, in a hollow voice. Leave me my head ! 



JOE miller's jests. Ill 

There it is, said the girl, throwing it down, and catching 
up another. Leave me my head ! said the same voice. 
Nay, nay, said the heroic lass, you cannot have two 
heads : so brought the skull, and won the wager. 

536. The daughter of a respectable farmer in Carmar- 
thenshire, was lately betrothed to a young man in the 
neighbourhood of Tenby ; but lovers' quarrels occurring 
about three weeks before the day appointed for the mar- 
riage, the swain turned on his heel, and immediately pro- 
posed to another sister, who assented, without hesitation, 
on the ground of its being too great a sacrifice to lose 
such a nice young man out of the family ; and, on the 
day named for the former marriage, the latter took place. 

537. The Princess of Conti, daughter of Louis XIV., 
speaking to the ambassador of Morocco, highly disap- 
proved of the plurality of wives which prevails among 
the Mahomedans. We should only require one, replied 
the gallant ambassador, if each resembled you, madam. 

538. The Laird of M 4 N — b was writing to one of his 
Dulcineas from an Edinburgh coffee-house, when a gen- 
tleman of his acquaintance observed that he was setting 
at defiance the laws of orthography and grammar. How 
can a man write grammar with a pen like this ? exclaim- 
ed the Highland chieftain. 

539. In a village of Picardy, after a long sickness, a 
farmer's wife fellinto a lethargy. Her husband was will- 
ing, good man, to believe her out of pain ; and so, ac- 
cording to the custom of that country, she was wrapped 
in a sheet, and carried out to be buried. But, as ill-luck 
would have it, the bearers carried her so near a hedge, 
that the thorns pierced the sheet, and waked the woman 
from her trance. Some years after, she died in reality ; 
and, as the funeral passed along, the husband would 
every now and then call out, Xot too near the hedge, not 
too near the hedge, neighbours. 

540. The Germans sleep between two beds ; and it is 
related, that an Irish traveller, upon finding a feather- 
bed thus laid over him, took it into his head that the 



112 joe miller's jests. 

people slept in strata, one upon the other, and said to the 
attendant, Will you be good enough to tell the gentle- 
man or lady that is to lay over me, to make haste, as I 
wish to go to sleep. 

541. When Lord Chesterfield was in administration, 
he proposed a person to his late majesty as proper to till 
a place of great trust, but which the king himself was 
determined should be filled by another. The council, how- 
ever, resolved not to indulge the king, for fear oT a dan- 
gerous precedent. It was Lord Chesterfield's business to 
present the grant of office for the king's signature. Not 
to incense his majesty, by asking him abruptly, he, with 
great humility, begged to know with whose name his 
majesty would be pleased to have the blanks filled up ? 
With the devil's ! replied the king, in a paroxysm of 
rage. And shall the instrument, said the earl coolly, run 
as usual, Our trusty and well-beloved cousin and counsel- 
lor ? — a repartee at which the king laughed heartily, and 
with great good humour signed the grant. 

542. A fire happening at a public-house, one of the 
crowd was requesting the engineer to play against the 
wainscot : but being told it was in no danger, I am sor- 
ry for that, said he, because I have a long score upon it, 
which I shall never be able to pay. 

543. Among the curiosities at Apsley House, is the 
truckle bed in which the Duke of Wellington slept. 
Why it is so narrow ? exclaimed a friend ; there is not 
room to turn in it. Turn in it ! cried his grace, when 
once a man begins to turn in bed, it is time to turn out. 

544. A person of the name of Fish, having made a 
short trip in a balloon, on coming again to terra firma, 
was seized with a swoon. A gentleman asking one of the 
crowd collected around him, What was the matter ? was 
answered, Nothing but a flat fish, who has been out of 
his element. 

545. I can't conceive, said one nobleman to another, 
how it is that you manage : I am convinced that you are 
not of a temper to spend more than your income ; and 



joe miller's jests. 113 

yet, though your estate is less than mine, I could not af- 
ford to live at the rate you do. My lord, said the other, 
I have a situation. A situation ! you amaze me, I never 
heard of it till now — pray what is it ? I am my own 
steward. 

546. A gentleman remarked the other day to an Irish 
baronet, that the science of optics was now brought to 
the highest perfection ; for that, by the aid of a telescope, 
which he had just purchased, he could discern objects at 
an incredible distance. My dear fellow, replied the good- 
humoured baronet, I have one at my lodge in the county 
of Wexford that will be a match for it ; it brought the 
church of Enniscorthy so near to my view, that I could 
hear the whole congregation singing psalms. 

547. A clergyman was reproving a married couple for 
their frequent dissensions, which were very unbecoming 
both in the eye of God and man, seeing, as he observed, 
that they were both one. Both one ! cried the husband, 
Was your reverence to come by our door sometimes, you 
would swear we were twenty. 

548. A person whose name was Gun, complaining to 
a friend, that his attorney, in his bill, had not let him off 
easilv, That is no wonder, said he, as he charged you too 
high! 

549. A Scotchman maintained that the Garden of 
Eden was certaiuly placed in Scotland. For said he, 
have we not, all within a mile of one another, Adam's 
Mount, the Elysian Fields, Paradise Place, and the city 
of Eden-burgh ? 

550. A wealthy merchant of Fenchurch Street, la- 
menting to a confidential friend that his daughter had 
eloped with one of his footmen, concluded by saying, 
Yet I wish to forgive the girl, and receive her husband, 
as it is now too late to part them. But then, his condi- 
tion ; how can I introduce him ? Xonsense, replied his 
companion, introduce him as a Livery-man of the city. 

551 . A gentleman perceiving the common-crier of Bris- 
tol unemployed, inquired the reason : I can't cry to-day, 
sir, said he, my wife is just dead. 



114 joe miller's jests. 

552. Truth is not unfrequently extracted by accident. 
Mr. L., whose police office is frequently clamorous with 
the litigators of shilling warrants, suddenly called out, 
Silence there ! There's been, added he, two or three 
people committed already, and I have not heard a word 
they have said. 

553. A wag called on his friend at his country-house, 
and perceiving him running very fast through his grounds 
to meet him, told the gentleman he was very sorry to see 
him go on so ill ? Why so ? replied the other. I see, 
rejoined the wag, you are running through your estate 
very fast. 

554. An Irish captain being on the ocean, many leagues 
from the most remote part of land, beheld at a short dis- 
tance four sail of ships, and in the joy of his heart ex- 
claimed, Arrah ! my lads, pipe all hands on deck to be- 
hold this rich landscape. 

555. An Hibernian schoolmaster, settled in a village 
near London, who advertised that he intended to keep a 
Sunday-school twice a week, Tuesdays and Thursdays, 
reminds us of the mock mayor of a place in the west, 
who declared on his election, that he was resolved to hold 
his Quarter Sessions monthly. 

556. A Londoner told his friend he was going to Mar- 
gate for a change of hair. You had better, said the other, 
go to the wig-maker's shop. 

557. When Lieutenant O'Brien (who was called Sky- 
rocket Jack) was blown up at Spithead, in the Edgar, he 
was on the carriage of a gun, and being brought to the 
admiral, all black and wet, he said with pleasantry, I 
hope, sir, you will excuse my dirty appearance, for I came 
out of the ship in so great a hurry, that I had not time 
to shift myself. 

558. An Irishman one day found a light guinea, which 
he was obliged to sell for eighteen shillings. Next day 
he saw another guinea lying on the street. No, no, said 
he, I'll have nothing to do with you ; I lost three shil- 
lings by your brother yesterday. 



joe miller's jests. 115 

559. A healthy old gentleman was once asked by the 
king, what physician and apothecary he made use of, to 
look so well at his time of life. Sire, replied the gentle- 
man, my physician has always been a horse, and my 
apothecary an ass. 

560. A poor woman, who had attended several confir- 
mations, was at length recognised by the bishop. Pray, 
have I not seen yon here before ? said his lordship. Yes, 
replied the woman, I get me confirmed as often as I can : 
they tell me it is good for the rhenmatis. 

561. A dancer said to another person, Yon cannot stand 
so long upon one leg as I can. True, answered the other, 
but a goose can. 

562. A person applied to Quin, as manager, to be ad- 
mitted on the stage. As a specimen of his dramatic 
powers, he began the famous soliloquy of Hamlet, 

To be, or not to be, that is the question. 

Quin, indignant at the man's absurd elocution, exclaimed, 
very decisively, Xo question, upon my honour ; not to be, 
most certainly. 

563. An Irishman going to be hanged, begged that 
the rope might be tied under his arms instead of round 
his neck ; for, said Pat, I am so remarkably ticklish in 
the throat, that if tied there, I will certainly kill myself 
with laughing. 

564. A respectable surgeon in London, making his 
daily round to see his patients, had occasion to call at a 
house in Charing Cross, where he left his horse to the 
care of a Jew boy, whom he casually saw in the streets. 
On coming out of the house, he naturally enough expect- 
ed to find his trusty servant treating himself with a ride ; 
but no — Mordecai knew the use of time and the value of 
money a little better ; — he was letting the horse to little 
boys in the street, a penny a ride to the Horse Guards 
and back ! 

565. At the breaking up of a tavern dinner, two of the 
party fell down stairs, the one tumbling to the first land- 



116 joe miller's jests. 

ing place, the other rolling to the bottom : — it was ob- 
served, that the first seemed dead drunk. Yes, said a 
wag, but he's not so far gone as the gentleman below. 

566. When the baggage of Lady Hamilton was landed 
at Palermo, Lord Nelson's coxswain was very active in 
conveying it to the ambassador's hotel. Lady Hamilton 
observed this, and presenting the man with a moidore, 
said, Now, my friend, what will you have to drink ? 
Why, please your honour, said the coxswain, I am not 
thirsty. But, said her ladyship, Nelson's steersman must 
drink with me, so what will you take, a dram, a glass of 
grog, or a glass of punch ? Why, said Jack, as I am to 
drink with your ladyship's honour, it would not be good 
manners to be backward, so I'll take the dram now, and 
will be drinking the glass of grog while your ladyship 
is mixing the tumbler of punch for me. 

567. When Paddy Blake heard an English gentleman 
speaking of the fine echo at the lake of Killarney, which 
repeats the sound forty times, he very promptly observed, 
Poh ! faith that's nothing at all, to the echo in my 
father's garden, in the county of Galway ; there, honey, 
if you were to say to it, How do you do, Paddy Blake ? 
it would answer, Very well, I thank you, sir. 

568. When a late duchess of Bedford was at Buxton, 
in her eighty-fifth year, it was the medical farce of the 
day for the faculty to resolve every complaint of whim 
and caprice into a shock of the nervous system. Her 
grace, after inquiring of many of her friends ,in the 
rooms what brought them there, and being generally 
answered, for a nervous complaint, was asked, in her 
turn, What brought her to Buxton ? I came only for 
pleasure, answered the healthy duchess ; for, thank good- 
ness, I was born before nerves came into fashion. 

569. As a clergyman was burying a corpse, a woman 
came, and pulled him by the sleeve, in the middle of the 
service. Sir, sir, I want to speak with you. Prithee 
wait, woman, till I have done. No, sir ; I must speak 
to you immediately. Well, then, what is the matter ? 



JOE MILLER'S JESTS. 117 

Why, sir, you are going to bury a man who died of the 
small pox, near my poor husband, who never had it. 

570. What have you to say, old Bacon-face? said a 
counsellor to a farmer, at a late Cambridge assizes. 
Why, answered the farmer, I_ am thinking that my 
bacon face and your calf s head would make a very good 
dish. 

571. A scholar, a bald man, and a barber, travelling 
together, agreed each to watch four hours in the night, 
in turn, for the sake of security. The barber's lot came 
first, who shaved the scholar's head while he was asleep, 
then waked him when his turn came. The scholar, 
scratching his head, and feeling it bald, exclaimed, you 
wretch of a barber, you have waked the bald man in- 
stead of me. 

572. A man much addicted to drinking, being extreme- 
ly ill with a fever, a consultation was held in his bed- 
chamber by three physicians, how to cure the fever, and 
abate the thirst. Gentlemen, said he, I will take half 
the trouble off your hands ; you cure the fever, and I 
will abate the thirst myself. 

573. Dean Swift knew an old woman of the name of 
Margaret Styles, who was much addicted to drinking. 
Though frequently admonished by him, he one day 
found her at the bottom of a ditch, with a bundle of" 
sticks, with which, being in her old way, she had tum- 
bled in. The dean, after severely rebuking her, asked 
her, where she thought of going to ? (meaning after her 
death). I'll tell you, sir, said she, if you will help me 
up. When he had assisted her, and repeated his ques- 
tion — Where do I think of going to ? said she, where 
the best liquor is, to be sure ! 

574. A gentleman having engaged to fight a main of 
cocks, directed his feeder in the country, who was a son 
of the sod, to pick out two of the best, and bring them 
to town. Paddy, having made his selection, put the two 
cocks together into a bag, and brought them with him 
in the mail-coach. When they arrived, it was found 



118 joe miller's jests. 

upon their journey they had almost torn each other to 
pieces ; on which Paddy was severely taken to task for 
his stupidity, in putting both cocks into one bag. In- 
deed, said the honest Hibernian, I thought there was no 
risk of their falling out, as they were going to fight on 
the same side. 

575. In the late Irish rebellion, J. C. Beresford, esq. a 
banker, and member for Dublin, rendered himself so 
very obnoxious to the rebels, in consequence of his vigil- 
ance in bringing them to punishment, that whenever they 
found any of his bank-notes in plundering a house, the 
general cry w^as, By Jasus ! Ave'll ruin the rascal ! we'll 
destroy every note of his we can find : and they actually 
destroyed, it is supposed, upwards of 20,000£. worth of 
his notes during the rebellion. 

576. An Irishman being asked which was oldest, he or 
his brother, I am eldest, said he, but if my brother lives 
three years longer, we shall be both of an age. 

577. A reverend gentleman seeing a fish woman skin- 
ning some eels, said to her, Plow can you be so cruel ? 
don't you think you put them to a great deal of pain ? 
Why, your honour, she replied, I might when I first be- 
gan business ; but I have dealt in them twenty years, 
and by this time they must be quite used to it. 

578. A gentleman crossing the water lately below 
Limehouse, and wanting to learn the price of coals in 
the pool, hailed one of the labourers at work in a tier of 
colliers, with AVell, Paddy, how are coals? Black as 
ever, your honour, replied the Irishman. 

579. An English labourer in Cheshire attempting t* 
drown himself, an Irish reaper, who saw him go into the 
water, leaped after him, and brought him safe to sjiore. 
The fellow attempting it a second time, the reaper a se- 
cond time got him out ; but the labourer being deter- 
mined to destroy himself, watched an opportunity and 
hanged himself behind the barn door. The Irishman ob- 
served him, but never offered to cut him down ; when, 
several hours afterwards, the master of the farm-yard 



joe miller's jests. 119 

asked him upon what ground he had suffered the poor 
fellow to hang there ? Faith, replied Patrick, I don't 
know what you mean by ground : I know I was so good 
to him that I fetched him out of the water two times — 
and I know, too, he was wet through every rag, and I 
thought he hung himself up to dry, and you know, I 
could have no right to prevent him. 

580. A devout lady offered up a prayer to St. Ignatius, 
for the conversion of her husband ; a few days after the 
good man died. What a good saint is our Ignatius, ex- 
claimed the consolable widow, he bestows on us more 
benefits than we ask for ! 

581. An author, who had given a comedy into the 
hands of a manager for his perusal, called on him for his 
opinion of the piece. Whilst the poor author in trem- 
bling anxiety expected the fate of his performance, the 
manager returned the play with a grave face, saying, Sir, 
depend upon it this is a thing not to be laughed at. 

582. An Irish officer in battle happening to bow, a 
cannon-ball passed over his head, and took off the head 
of a soldier who stood behind him : You see, said he, 
that a man never loses by politeness. 

583. A quartermaster in a regiment of light horse, 
who was about six feet high, and very corpulent, was 
joking with an Irishman, concerning the natural prone- 
ness of his countrymen to make bulls in conversation. 
By my soul, said the Irishman, Ireland never made such 
a bull in all her lifetime as England did when she made 
a light horseman of you. 

584. An Hibernian officer, being once in company with 
several who belonged to the same corps, one of them, in 
a laugh, said he would lay a dozen of claret, that the 
Irishman made a bull before any other of the party. Done, 
said Terence. The wager was laid, and by way of puz- 
zling him, he was asked how many bulls there were in 
that town. Five, said he. How do you make them 
out ? said the other. Faith, said he, there is the Black 
Bull in the market-place, and the Red Bull over the way ; 



120 joe miller's jests. 

then there is the Pied Bull just by the bridge, and the 
White Bull at the corner. They are but four, said the 
other. Why arrah, said he, there is the Dun Cow in the 
butcher-row. That's a bull, said the other. By Jasus, 
then I have won my wager, said he, and you have made 
the bull and not me. 

585. A noble lord, not very courageous, was once so 
far engaged in an affair of honour as to be drawn to 
Hyde Park to fight a duel; but just as he came to the 
Porter's Lodge an empty hearse came by; on which 
his lordship's antagonist, who was a droll officer, well 
known, called out to the driver, Stop here, my good fel- 
low, a few minutes, and I'll send you a fare. This oper- 
ated so strongly on his lordship's nerves that he begged 
the officer's pardon, and returned home with a whole 
skin. 

586. A gentleman who had an Irish servant, having 
stopped at an inn for several days, desired, previous to 
his departure, to have his bill ; which being brought, he 
found a large quantity of port placed to his servant's ac- 
count, and questioned him about having had so many bot- 
tles of wine. Please yer honour, cried Pat, read how 
many they charge me. The gentleman began, One bot- 
tle port, one ditto, one ditto. Stop, stop, stop, master, 
exclaimed Paddy, they are cheating you ; I know I had 
some bottles of their port, but I did not taste a drop of 
their ditto. 

587. A farm was lately advertised in a newspaper in 
which all the beauty of the situation, fertility of the soil, 
and salubrity of the air, were detailed in the richest 
glow of rural description, and which was further en- 
hanced with this N.B. There is not an attorney within 
fifteen miles of the neighbourhood. 

588. An Irish footman having carried a basket of game 
from his master to a friend, waited a considerable time 
for the customary fee, but not finding it likely to appear, 
he scratched his head, and said, Sir; if my master should 
say, Paddy, what did the gentleman give you? what 
would your honour have me tell him ? 



JOE MILLERS JESTS. 121 

589. An Irish gentleman called at the General Post 
Office, and inquired whether there were any letters for 
him ; the clerk asked for his address. Sure, said he, you 
will find it on the back of the letter. — A circumstance 
somewhat similar occurred a few years ago, when a gen- 
tleman inquired if there was any letter for him. The clerk 
asked his name ; he replied, What the devil makes you 
so impertinent as to ask any gentleman's name ? Give 
me my letter, that's all you have to do ! 

590. An Irish labourer being told that the price of 
bread had been lowered, exclaimed, This is the first time 
I ever rejoiced at the fall of my best friend. 

591o An honest Hibernian tar, a great favourite with 
the gallant Xelson, used to pray in these words every 
night when he went to his hammock : God be thanked, I 
never killed any man, nor no man ever killed me ; God 
bless the world, and success to the British navy. 

592. Davenport, a tailor, having set up his carriage, 
asked Foote for a motto. There is one from Hamlet, 
said the wit, that will match you to a button-hole, "List, 
list ; oh ! list." 

593. A gentleman, some years since, being obliged to 
ask pardon of the House of Commons on his knees, 
when he rose up, he brushed the knees of his breeches, 
saying, I was never in so dirty a house in my life. 

594. A justice of the peace, who was possessed with 
the itch of scribbling, and had written a book which he 
meant to publish, sent it to Ben Jonson for his opinion, 
who, finding it full of absurdities, returned it, with his 
compliments, and recommended his worship to send it 
to the house of correction. 

595. One day Charlotte Smith was walking along Pic- 
cadilly, when the tray of a butcher's boy came in sudden 
contact with her shoulder, and dirtied her dress. The 
deuce take the tray, exclaimed she, in a pet. Ah, but 
the deuce can't take the tray, replied young rump-steak, 
with the greatest gravity. 



122 JOE miller's jests. 

596. George the First, on a journey to Hanover, stop- 
ped at a village in Holland, and while the horses were 
getting ready, he asked for two or three eggs, which 
were brought him, and charged two hundred florins. 
How is this? said his majesty, eggs must be very scarce 
in this place. Pardon me, said the host, eggs are plenty 
enough, but kings are scarce. The king smiled, and or- 
dered the money to be paid. 

597. A farmer in the neighbourhood of Doncaster, 
was thus accosted by his landlord : John, I am going to 
raise your rent. John replied, Sir, I am very much 
obliged to you, for I cannot raise it myself. 

598. Two bucks riding on the western road on a Sun- 
day morning, met a lad driving a flock of sheep towards 
the metropolis ; when one of them accosted him with, 
Prithee, Jack, which is the way to Windsor ? How did 
you know my name was Jack ? said the boy, staring in 
their faces. We are conjurors, young Hobnail, said the 
gentlemen, laughing. Oh ! be you ! then you don't want 
I to show you the way to Windsor, replied the lad, pur- 
suing his journey. 

599. Two gentlemen were walking in the High Street, 
Southampton, one day, about that hour which the indus- 
trious damsels of the mop and brush usually devote to 
cleansing the pavement before the door. It happened 
that the bucket used upon such occasions was upon the 
stones, and one of the gentlemen stumbled against it. 
My dear friend, exclaimed the other, I lament your death 
exceedingly ! My death ! Yes, you have just kicked 
the bucket. Not so, rejoined his friend, I have only 
turned a little pale (pail). 

600. A bill was once brought into the House of As- 
sembly at Jamaica, for regulating wharfingers. Mr. P. 
Phipps, a distinguished member, rose and said, Mr. 
Speaker, I very much approve of the bill ; the wharf- 
ingers are all a set of knaves ; I was one myself ten 
years. 

601. An Irishman saw the sign of the Rising Sun near 



123 

the Seven Dials, and underneath was written, A. Moon, 
the man's name who kept it being Aaron Moon. The 
Irishman, thinking he had discovered a just cause for 
triumph, roared out to his companion, Only see, Phelim ! 
see here ! they talk of the Irish bulls ; only do but see 
now ! here's a fellow puts up the Rising Sun, and calls it 
A Moon. 

602. A grocer, in Dublin, announces that he has whis- 
key on sale which was drunk by his late Majesty while 
he was in Ireland. 

603. A servant girl, who always attended divine serv- 
ice, but who also could not read, had, from constant at- 
tendance, got the service by rote, and could repeat it 
extremely well. But a few Sundays previous to her 
marriage, she was accompanied in the same pew by her 
beau, to whom she did not like it to be known that she 
could not read ; she, therefore, took up the prayer-book, 
and held it before her. Her lover wished to have a sight 
of it also, but, unfortunately for her, she held it upside 
down. The man astonished, said, Good heavens ! why 
you have the book wrong side upwards. I know it, sir, 
said she, confusedly, I always read so, I am left-handed. 

604. Quin being one day in a coffee-house, saw a young 
beau enter, in an elegant negligee dress, quite languid 
with the heat of the day. Waiter, said the coxcomb, 
in an affected faint voice, Waiter, fetch me a dish of 
coffee, weak as water, and cool as a zephyr ! Quin, in a 
voice of thunder, immediately vociferated, Waiter, bring 
me a dish of coffee, hot as h — 11, and strong as d — t — n. 
The beau, starting, exclaimed in his feminine way, Pray, 
waiter, what is that gentleman's name? Quin, in the 
same tremendous tone, exclaimed, Waiter, pray what is 
that lady's name ? 

605. An old female methodist preached about the 
country, that she had been eleven months in heaven. 
One of the audience started up and said, It was a pity 
that she did not stay the other odd month, as she might 
then have gained a legal settlement. 



124 joe miller's jests. 

606. Two actors belonging to Covent Garden Theatre, 
being on their way to Brighton, stopped at an inn to 
change horses, where there was a coach coming towards 
London, waiting the same accommodation, on the roof 
of which was seated a farmer's man, who hailed the two 
actors thns : So, masters, you are going a mumming I 
see. How the devil does that fellow know we are per- 
formers ? said one of the actors. Don't you see he's on 
the stage himself ? replied the other. 

607. The tradesmen of a certain great man, having 
dunned him for a long time, he desired his servant one 
morning to admit the tailor who had not been so con- 
stant in his attendance as the rest. When he made his 
appearance, My friend, said he to him, I think you are a 
very honest fellow, and I have a great regard for you ; 
therefore, I take this opportunity to tell you, that I'll 
never pay you a farthing ! Now go home, mind your 
business, and don't lose your time by calling here. — As 
for the others, they are a set of vagabonds and rascals, 
for whom I have no affection, and they may come as 
often as they choose. 

008. Atterbury, Bisliop of Rochester, when a certain 
bill was brought into the House of Lords, said, among 
other things, That he prophesied last winter this bill 
would be attempted in the present session, and he was 
sorry to find that he had proved a true prophet. Lord 
Coningsby, who spoke after the bishop, and always spoke 
in a passion, desired the house to remark, That his right 
reverend friend had set himself forth as a prophet ; but 
for his part he did not know what prophet to liken him 
to, unless to that furious prophet, Balaam, who was re- 
proved by his own ass. The bishop, in a reply, with 
great wit and calmness, exposed this rude attack, 
concluding thus : — Since the noble lord had discovered 
in our manners such a similitude, I am content to be 
compared to the prophet Balaam ; but, my lords, I am 
at a loss to make out the other part of the parallel ; 
where is the ass ? I am sure I have been reproved by 
nobody but his lordship. 



joe miller's jests. 125 

609. A man in the habit of travelling, complained to 
his friend, that he had often been robbed, and was afraid 
of stirring abroad ; he was advised to carry pistols with 
him on his journey. Oh ! that would be still worse, re- 
plied the hero, the thieves would rob me of them also. 

610. When Brennan, the noted highwayman, was taken 
in the south of Ireland, curiosity drew numbers to the 
gaol to see the man loaded with irons, who had long been 
a terror to the country. Among others was a banker, 
whose notes at that time were not held in the highest es- 
timation, who assured the prisoner that lie was very glad 
to see him there at last. Brennan, looking up, replied, 
Ah ! sir, I did not expect that from you ; indeed, I did 
not ; for you well know, that when all the country refus- 
ed your notes, I took them. 

611. When Johnson had completed his Dictionary, the 
delay of which had quite exhausted the patience of Mil- 
lar, the bookseller, the latter acknowledged the receipt of 
the last sheet in the following terms : — " Andrew Millar 
sends his compliments to Mr. Samuel Johnson, with the 
money for the last sheet of the copy of the Dictionary, 
and thanks God he has done with him." To this un- 
courteous intimation, the doctor replied in this smart re- 
tort : " Samuel Johnson returns his compliments to Mr. 
Andrew Millar, and is very glad to find (as he does by 
his note) that Andrew Millar has the grace to thank God 
for anything." 

612. A man was sitting in his study at work, when one 
of his neighbours came running to tell him that the back 
part of his house must be on fire, as it smoked excess- 
ively : Oh ! answered the man, be so good as to tell my 
wile, for I do not concern myself at all with the house- 
keeping. 

613. An old woman that sold ale, being at church, fell 
asleep during the sermon, and unluckily let her old- 
fashioned clasped Bible fall, which making a great noise, 
she exclaimed, half awake, So, you jade, there's another 
jug broke. 

614. The late Countess of Kenmare, who was a devout 



126 joe miller's jests. 

Catholic, passing one day from her devotions at a chapel 
in Dublin, through a lane of beggars, who are there cer- 
tainly the best actors in Europe, in the display of counter- 
feit misery, her ladyship's notice was particularly attract- 
ed by one fellow apparently more wretched than the rest, 
and she asked him, Pray, my good man, what is the mat- 
ter with you ? The fellow, who well knew her simplicity 
and benevolence, answered, Oh ! my lady, I'm deaf and 
dumb. Poor man! replied the innocent lady, how long 
have you been so ? Ever since I had the fever last Christ- 
mas. The poor lady presented him with half-a-crown, and 
went away commiserating his misfortune. 

615. Sheridan was very desirous that his son Tom 
should marry a young woman with large fortune, but 
knew that Miss Callander had won his son's heart. One 
day he requested Tom to walk with him, and soon enter- 
ed on the subject of his marriage, and pointed out to him 
in glowing colours the advantages of so brilliant an alli- 
ance. Tom listened with the utmost patience, and then 
descanted on the perfections of the woman who proved 
the pride and solace of his declining years. Sheridan 
grew warm, and expatiating on the folly of his son, at 
length exclaimed, Tom, if you marry Caroline Callander, 
I'll cut you off with a shilling ! Tom could not resist the 
opportunity of replying, and, looking archly at his father, 
said, Then, sir, you must borrow it. Sheridan was tickled 
at the wit, and dropped the subject. 

616. About the year 1762, a colonel in command in the 
West Indies, was ordered to disembark his corps for the 
attack of one of the islands. In stepping into a boat he 
fell overboard, and the current was carrying him rapidly 
from the ship, when an honest tar jumped after him, kept 
him afloat till a boat was despatched to his assistance, and 
put him on board again in safety. One of Jack's mess- 
mates having observed the colonel put something into 
the hand of his deliverer, stepped up to him, and exclaim- 
ed, Dam — me, Jack, you're in luck to-day, aye ! and- 
eagerly opening his hand, expected at least to share in a 
can of grog ; but on discovering the generous reward, a 



JOE MILLER S JESTS. 127 

sixpence, the tar uttered a prayer, and whispered his 
messmate, Xever mind, Jack, every man knows the value 
of his life best. 

617. A rich, but miserly- man, invited a poor acquaint- 
ance to dine with him, and when they were seated at 
table, helped him to a very small piece of meat ; upon 
which, the poor man, starting from his chair, exclaimed, 
I'm blind ! I'm blind ! I'm blind ! The other, astonished 
at this sudden misfortune, begged his guest to resume his 
seat, and try if he could not see at all ; on this, the poor 
man, taking up his plate, said, I think I can see a little 
bit, 

618. A gentleman happening to remark, one intensely 
hot evening, that Parliament would soon be dissolved, a 
young lady immediately added, So shall we all, if this 
weather continues. 

619. Soon after the settlement of New England, Gov- 
ernor Dudley, taking a walk, met a stout Indian beg- 
ging, and saying he could get no work. The governor 
told him to go to his house, and he would give him work. 
But, said the negro, why you no work, massa ? O, said 
the governor, my head works. The man, however, turn- 
ed out an idle good-for-nothing fellow, and his master 
found it necessary one day to have him flogged. With 
this view he gave him a letter, desiring him to carry it to 
the keeper of the workhouse. The negro, suspecting its 
contents, committed it to the care of one of his comrades, 
who got a sound whipping for his trouble. The governor 
having learned this, asked Mungo why he did so ? O, 
massa, said he, head work. 

620. "When Lord Stair was ambassador in Holland, he 
gave frequent entertainments, to which the foreign minis- 
ters were constantly invited, not excepting the ambassa- 
dor of France, with whose nation we were then on the 
point of breaking. In return, the Abbe de Yille, the 
French ambassador, as constantly invited the English 
and Austrian ambassadors upon the like occasions. The 
Abbe was a man of vivacity, and fond of punning. Agree- 



128 joe miller's jests. 

able to this humour, he one day proposed a toast in these 
terms : " The Rising Sun, my master," alluding to the de- 
vice and motto of Louis XIV. ; which was pledged by 
the whole company. It came then to the Baron de Reis- 
back's turn to give a toast ; and he, to countenance the 
Abbe, proposed the Moon, in compliment to the empress 
queen ; which was greatly applauded. The turn then 
came to the Earl of Stair, on whom all eyes were fasten- 
ed ; but that nobleman, whose presence of mind never 
forsook him, drank his master, King William, by the 
name of Joshua, the son of Nun, who made the Sun and 
Moon stand still. 

621. A Frenchman having called for some liquor at a 
public-house in England, was surprised at receiving it in 
a glass, alleging, he thought it appeared very little. You 
have enough for your money, replied the host, gruffly. 
That may be, said the other, but in France they always 
bring it in a measure. Ay, said the landlord, like enough ; 
but Ave do not want to introduce French measures here. 

622. The Khalif Haroun Alraschid was accosted one 
day by a poor woman, who complained that his soldiers 
had pillaged her house, and laid waste her grounds. The 
khalif desired her to remember the words of the Koran, 
That when princes go forth to battle, the people, through 
whose fields they pass, must suffer. Yes, said the wo- 
man, but it is also written in the same book, that the 
habitations of those princes, who authorize the injustice, 
shall be made desolate. This bold and just reply had a 
powerful effect on the khalif, who ordered immediate re- 
paration to be made. 

623. As the late beautiful Duchess of Devonshire was 
one day stepping out of her carriage, a dustman, who 
was accidentally standing by, and was about to regale 
himself with his accustomed whiff of tobacco, caught a 
glance of her countenance, and instantly exclaimed, Love 
and bless you, my lady, let me light my pipe in your eyes ! 
It is said the duchess was so delighted with this compli- 
ment, that she frequently afterwards checked the strain 
of adulation, which was so constantly offered to her 



joe miller's jests. 129 

charms, by saying, Oh ! after the dustman's compliment, 
all others are insipid. 

624. A man carrying a cradle, was stopped by an old 
woman, and thus accosted : So, sir, you have got some 
of the fruits of matrimony. Softly, softly, old lady, said 
he, you mistake, this is merely the fruit-basket. 

625. A Jew who was condemned to be hanged, was 
brought to the gallows, and was just on the point of be- 
ing turned off, when a reprieve arrived. Moses was in- 
formed of this, and it was expected he would instantly 
have quitted the cart, but he stayed to see his two fellow- 
travellers hanged ; and being asked, Why he did not get 
about his business, he said, He waited to see if he could 
bargain with Maisther Ketsch for the two gentlemen's 
clothes. 

626. An English drummer having strolled from the 
camp, approached the French lines, and before he was 
aware, was seized by the piquet, and carried before the 
commander, on suspicion of being a spy, disguised in a 
drummer's uniform. On being questioned, however, he 
honestly told the truth, and declared who and what lie 
was. This not gaining credit, a drum was sent for, and 
he was desired to beat a couple of marches, which he 
readily performed, and thus removed the Frenchman's 
suspicion of his assuming a fictitious character. But, my 
lad, said he, let me now hear you beat a retreat. A re- 
treat ? replied the drummer ; I don't know what it is, 
nor is it known in the English service ! The French of- 
ficer was so pleased with this sjm'ited remark, that he 
dismissed the poor fellow, with a letter of recommenda- 
tion to his general. 

627. A very volatile young lord, whose conquests in 
the female world were numberless, at last married. Xow, 
my lord, said the countess, I hope you'll mend. Madam, 
said he, you may depend upon it, this is my last folly. 

628. Susan, said an Irish footman the other day to his 
fellow servant, what are the joy bells ringing for again ? 
In honour of the Duke of York's birthday, Mr. Murphy. 



130 joe miller's jests. 

Be aisy now, rejoined the Hibernian, none of your blar- 
ney — sure 'twas the Prince Regent's on Tuesday, and how 
can it be his brother's to-day, unless, indeed, they were 
twins ? 

629. When General R — was quartered at a small town 
in Ireland, he and his lady were regularly besieged, when- 
ever they got into their carriage, by an old beggar-wo- 
man, who kept her post at the door, assailing them daily 
with fresh importunities, and fresh tales of distress. At 
last the general's charity and the lady's patience were 
nearly exhausted, though their petitioner's wit was still 
in its pristine vigour. One morning, at the accustomed 
hour, and close by the side of the carriage, the old wo- 
man began — Agh! my lady, success to your ladyship, 
and success to your honour's honour this morning, of all 
the days in the year, for sure didn't I dream last night 
that her ladyship gave me a pound of ta (tea) and that 
your honour gave me a pound of tobacco. But, my good 
woman, said the general, don't you know that dreams al- 
ways go by the rule of contrary ? Do they so, plase 
your honour ? rejoined the old woman ; then it must be 
your honour that will give me the ta, and her ladyship 
that will give me the 'bacco. 

630. A party of bon vivants, who had recently dined 
at a celebrated tavern, after having drank an immense 
quantity of wine, rang for the bill. It was accordingly 
brought, but the amount appeared so enormous to one of 
the company, (not quite so far gone as the rest,) that he 
stammered out, it was impossible so many bottles could 
have been drunk by seven persons. True, sir, said Boni- 
face, but your honour forgets the three gentlemen under 
the table. 

631. The servant of a naval commander, an Irishman, 
one day let a tea-kettle fall into the sea, upon which he 
ran to his master, Arrah, an plase your honour, can any- 
thing be said to be lost, w r hen you know where it is ? 
Certainly not, replied the captain. Why then your kettle 
is at the bottom of the sea. 

632. Amiral Keppel being sent to Algiers, for the pur- 



JOE miller's jests. 131 

pose of demanding satisfaction for the injuries done to 
his Britannic Majesty's subjects, by the corsairs of that 
, state, the Dey, enraged at the boldness of the ambassa- 
dor, exclaimed, that he wondered at the insolence of the 
English monarch, in sending him a messuage by a foolish 
beardless boy. The admiral immediately replied, That 
if his master had supposed wisdom was to be measured 
by length of beard, he would have sent his Deyship a 
billy-goat. 

633. When Lord Anson once attacked a French squad- 
ron in the Bay of Biscay, and L'Invincible struck, Mon- 
sieur de la Jonquieu, who was the commander, was 
brought aboard the admiral's ship, where seeing Le Glo- 
rieux, another of his squadron, engaged with an English 
vessel of superior force, he bowed, surrendered his sword, 
and said, My Lord, you have conquered the Invincible, 
and Glory must follow. 

634. A fellow who loved laughing better than his meat, 
put a number of rains' horns into a basket, and went up 
and down the streets at the west end of the town, cry- 
ing, Xew fruit, new fruit, ho! as loud- as he could bawl. 
Lord hearing the noise, put his head out of his draw- 
ing-room window, and asked the fellow to show him his 
fruit ; which having looked at, he asked him if he was 
not ashamed thus to disturb a quiet neighbourhood ; for 
who the devil, said the peer, do you think will buy horns ? 
Well, master, replied the fellow, do not put yourself in 
a passion ; though you are provided, I may meet with 
other men that are not. 

635. Dean , when residing on a living in the coun- 
try, had occasion one day to unite a rustic couple in the 
holy bands of matrimony. The ceremony being over, the 
husband began "to sink in resolution," and falling (as 
some husbands might do) into a fit of repentance, he said, 
Your reverence has tied this knot tightly, I fancy, but, 
under favour, may I ask your reverence, if so be you 
could untie it again ? Why no, replied the Dean, we 
never do that on this part of the consecrated ground. 
Where then ? cried the man eagerly. On that, pointing 
to the burial ground. 



132 JOE miller's jests. 

636. An Irish gentleman, in the warmth of national 
feeling, was praising Ireland for the cheapness of provi- 
sions ; a salmon, he said, might be bought for sixpence, , 
and a dozen mackerel for twopence. And pray, sir, how 
came you to leave so cheap a country ? Arrah, my dear 
honey! exclaimed the Irishman, just because there were 
no sixpences and twopences to be got. 

637. The Spaniards do not often pay hyperbolical com- 
pliments, but one of their admired writers, speaking of a 
lady's black eyes, said, That they were in mourning for 
the murders they had committed. 

638. An old gentleman of eighty-four, having taken to 
the altar a young damsel of about sixteen, the clergyman 
said to him : The font is at the other end of the church. 
What do I want with the font ? said the old gentleman. 
Oh ! I beg your pardon, said the clerical wit, I thought 
you had brought this child to be christened. 

639. In a great storm at sea, when the ship's crew were 
all at prayers, a boy burst into a violent fit of laughter ; 
being reproved for his ill-timed mirth, and asked the rea- 
son of it — Why, said he, I was laughing to think what a 
hissing the boatswain's red nose will make when it comes 
into the water. This ludicrous remark set the crew 
a-laughing, inspired them with new spirits, and by a great 
exertion they brought the vessel safe into port. 

640. A bon vivant of fashion, brought to his death-bed 
by an immoderate use of wine, after having been serious- 
ly taken leave of by Dr. Pitcairn, and being told that he 
could not in all human probability survive many hours, 
and would die by eight o'clock next morning, exerted 
the small remains of his strength to call the doctor back, 
which having accomplished Avith difficulty, his loudest 
effort not exceeding a whisper, he said, with the true 
spirit of a gambler, Doctor, I'll bet you a bottle I live 
till nine ! 

641. Two Irish bricklayers were working at some 
houses, and one of them was boasting of the steadiness 
with which he could carry a load to any height. The 



joe miller's jests. 133 

other contested the point, and the conversation ended in 
a bet that he could not carry him in his hod up a ladder 
to the top of the building. The experiment was made : 
Pat placed himself in the hod, and his comrade, after a 
great deal of care and exertion, succeeded in taking him 
up. Without any reflection on the danger he had escap- 
ed, the loser observed to the winner, To be sure, I have 
lost ; but don't you remember, about the third story you 
made a slip — I was then in hopes. 

642. The Rev. Caleb Colton, nephew of Sir George 
Staunton, has related in a recent publication, the follow- 
ing anecdote: My late uncle, Sir G. Staunton told me a 
curious anecdote of old Kien Long, Emperor of China. 
He was inquiring of Sir George the manner in which 
physicians were paid in England. When, after some dif- 
ficulty", his majesty was made to comprehend the system, 
he exclaimed, Is any man well in England that can afford 
to be ill? Xow, I will inform you, said he, how I man- 
age my physicians. I have four, to whom the care of my 
health is committed : a certain weekly salary is allowed 
them, but the moment I am ill, the salary stops till I am 
well again. I need not inform you my illnesses are usually 
short. 

643. The late Lord Xorbury, some time since going as 
a judge on the Monster circuit, was, as usual, so strict in 
the administration of criminal justice, that few, of whose 
guilt there were any strong grounds of suspicion, were 
suffered to escape, merely through any slovenly flaws in 
the wording of their indictments, or doubts upon the 
testimony. Dining, as usual, with the seniors of the bar, 
at an inn, a gentleman, who sat near the judge, asked 
leave to help his lordship to part of a pickled tongue. 
Lord Xorbury replied, he did not like pickled tongue; 
but if it had been hung, he would try it. Mr. Curran, 
who sat on the other side, said, that the defect was easily 
obviated ; for if his lordship would only try it, it would 
certainly be hung. 

644. A clergyman was reading the burial service over 
an Irish corpse, and having forgot which sex it was, on 



134 JOE MILLER'S JESTS. 

coming to that part of the ceremony which reads thus : 
our dear brother or sister, the reverend gentleman stop- 
ped, and seeing Pat stand by, stepped back, and whisper- , 
ing to him, said, Is it a brother or a sister ? Pat answer- 
ed, Neither, it is only a relation. 

645. Sir J. S. Hamilton, lounging one day in Dal.by's 
chocolate house, when, after a long drought there fell a 
torrent of rain : a country gentleman observed, This is a 
most delightful rain ; It will bring up everything out of 
the ground. By Jove, sir, said Sir John, I hope not; for 
I have sown three wives, and I should be very sorry to 
see them come up again. 

646. The father of an Irish student, seeing his son do- 
ing something improper, How now, sirrah, said he, did 
you ever see me do so when I was a boy ? 

647. When Mr. Penn, a young gentleman well 
known for his eccentricities, walked from Hyde Park 
Corner to Hammersmith, for a wager of one hundred 
guineas, with the Honourable Butler Danvers, several 
gentlemen who had witnessed the contest spoke of it to 
the Duchess of Gordon, and added, It was a pity that a 
man with so many good qualities as this Penn had, 
should be incessantly playing these unaccountable pranks. 
It is so, said her grace, but why don't you advise him 
better? He seems to be a pen that everybody cuts, but 
nobody mends. 

648. David Hume and R. B. Sheridan were crossing 
the water to Holland, when a high gale arising, the 
philosopher seemed under great apprehension lest he 
should go to the bottom. Why, said his friend, that 
will suit your genius to a tittle ; as for my part, I am 
only for skimming the surface. 

649. Quin sometimes said things at once witty and 
wise. Disputing concerning the execution of Charles I., 
But by what laws, said his opponent, was he put to 
death ? By all the laws that he had left them. 

650. An English gentleman travelling through the 
Highlands, came to the inn of Letter Finlay, in the 



135 

braes of Lochaber, He saw no person near the inn, and 
knocked at the door. No answer. He knocked repeat- 
edly, with as little success ; he then opened the door, and 
walked in. On looking about, he saw a man lying on a 
bed, whom he hailed thus : Are there any Christians in 
this house ? Xo, was the reply, we are all Camerons. 

651. Two bucks, lately sitting over a pint of wine, 
made up for the deficiency of port by the liveliness of 
their wit. After many jokes had passed, one of them 
took up a nut, and holding it to his friend, said, If this 
nut could speak, what would it say ? Why, rejoined the 
other, it would say, give me none of your jaw. 

652. A gentleman indisposed, and confined to his bed, 
sent his servant to see what hour it was by a sun-dial, 
which was fastened to a post in his garden. The servant 
was an Irishman, and being at a loss how to find the 
time, carried the sun-dial to his master, saying, Arrah, 
now look at it yourself: it is indeed all a mystery to 
me. 

653. A gentleman in the West Indies, who had fre- 
quently promised his friends to leave oft' drinking, with- 
out their discovering any improvement, was one morning 
called on early by an intimate friend, who met the negro 
boy at his door. Well, Sambo, said lie, where is your 
master ? Massa gone out, Bare, was the reply. And has 
he left off drinking yet ? rejoined the first. Oh yes, sure, 
said Sambo, massa leave olf drinking — he leave off two- 
tree time dis morning. 

654. An Irishman having been summoned to the Court 
of Requests at Guildhall, by an apothecary,, for medi- 
cines, was asked by one of the commissioners what the 
plaintiff had from time to time served him with, to which 
he gave suitable answers. And pray, said the commis- 
sioner, what was the last thing he served you with ? 
Why, your honour, replied the honest Hibernian, the 
last thing he served me with, please you, was the sum- 
Dions. 

655. When George II. was once expressing his admi- 



136 

ration of General Wolfe, some one observed that the 
general was mad. Oh ! he is mad, is he ! said the king, 
with great quickness, then I wish he would bite some of 
my other generals. 

656. A sailor who had served on board the Romney, 
with Sir Home Popham, after returning home from India, 
finding that wigs were all in fashion, bespoke a red one, 
which he sported at Portsmouth, to the great surprise 
of his companions. On being asked the cause of the 
change of colour in his hair, he said it was occasioned 
by his bathing in the Red Sea. 

657. A physician attending a lady several times, had 
received a couple of guineas each visit ; at last, when he 
was going away, she gave him but one ; at which he was 
surprised, and looking on the floor, as if in search of 
something, she asked him what he looked for. I believe, 
madam, said he, I have dropped a guinea. No, sir, 
replied the lady, it is I that have dropped it. 

658. A prudent poet, about the beginning of the civil, 
or rather uncivil, troubles for men of his kidney, in Eng- 
land's rebellious days, was asked as he lay on his death- 
bed, how he would be buried ? With my face down- 
ward ; for in a short time England will be turned upside 
down, and then I shall be right. 

659. A boy having run away from school to go to sea, 
his friends wrote to him, that death would be perpetually 
staring him in the face ; to which he replied, Well, what 
of that? every ship is provided with shrouds. 

660. A facetious fellow having unwittingly offended a 
conceited puppy, the latter told him he was no gentle- 
man. Are you a gentleman ? asked the droll one. Yes, 
sir, bounced the fop. Then I am very glad I am not, re- 
plied the other. 

661. Why you have never opened your mouth this 
session, said Sir Thomas Lethbridge to Mr. Gye. I beg 
your pardon, Sir Thomas, replied Mr. Gye ; your 
speeches have made me open it very frequently. My 
jaws have ached with yawning. 



JOE MILLER S JESTS. 



13V 



662. A person who was famous for arriving just at 
dinner-time, upon going to a friend's (where he was a 
frequent dropper in), was asked by the lady of the house 
if he would do as they did. On his replying he should 
be happy to have the pleasure, she replied, Dine at home 
then. A quietus for some time at least. 

663. As a worthy city baronet was gazing one evening 
at the gas lights in front of the Mansion-house, an old 
acquaintance came up to him, and said, Well, Sir Wil- 
liam, are you studying astronomy ? Xo, sir, replied the 
alderman. I am studying gastronomy. His friend 
looked astonished, and the baronet rej3lied, Do you 
doubt my voracity ? Xo, Sir "William. 

664. A certain cit, who had suddenly risen into wealth 
by inonopolies and contracts, from a very low condition 
in life, stood up in the pit of the opera with his hat on ; 
the Duchess of Gordon whispered to a lady, We must 
forgive that man : he has so short a time been used to 
the luxury of a hat, that he does not know when to pull 
it off. 

665. A person disputing with Peter Pindar, said, in 
great heat, that he did not like to be thought a scoun- 
drel. I wish, replied Peter, that you had as great a dis- 
like to being a scoundrel. 

666. A lady in Calcutta asked Colonel Ironsides for a 
mango. As he rolled it along the table, it fell into a 
plate of kissmists, a kind of grape very common in the 
East Indies: upon which Dr. Hunter,* a gentleman as 
eminent for his wit as for his skill in his profession, neat- 
ly observed, How naturally man-goes to kiss-miss. 

667. At one of those large convivial parties which dis- 
tinguished the table of Major Hobart, when he was 
Secretary in Ireland, amongst the usual loyal toasts, 
The wooden walls of England ! being given, Sir John 
Hamilton, in his turn, gave The wooden walls of Ire- 
land ! The toast being quite new, he was asked for an 
explanation : upon which, filling a bumper, he very 
gravely stood up, and, bowing to the Marquis of Water- 



138 , joe miller's jests. 

ford and several country gentlemen, who commanded 
county regiments, he said, My lords and gentlemen, I 
have the pleasure of giving you The wooden walls of 
Ireland — the colonels of militia. 

668. When it was debated about sending bishops to 
America, much was said pro and con. One gentleman 
wondered that anybody should object to it ; For my part, 
said he, I wish all our bishops were sent to America. 

669. Dr. Parr once called a clergyman a fool, who, in- 
deed, was little better. The clergyman said he would 
complain of this usage to the bishop. Do, said the 
doctor, and my lord bishop will confirm you. 

670. Ralph Wewitzer, ordering a box of candles, said 
he hoped they would be better than the last. The 
chandler said he was very sorry to hear them complained 
of, as they were as good as he could make. Why, said 
Ralph, they were very well till about half burnt down, 
but after that they would not burn any longer. 

671. Piavano Arloto, a buffoon, boasted that in all his 
life he never spoke truth. Except, replied another, at 
this present moment. 

672. A Cantab, who happened to be under Sir B. Har- 
wood, when professor, was enjoined to live temperately, 
as a cure for his malady. The doctor called upon him 
one day, and found him enjoying himself over a bottle 
of Madeira. Ah, doctor ! exclaimed the patient, at the 
same time reaching out his hand to bid him welcome, I 
am glad to see you ; you are just in time to taste the 
first bottle of some prime Madeira! Ah! replied Sir 
Busack, these bottles of Madeira will never do — they are 
the cause of all your sufferings ! Are they so ? cried the 
patient, then fill your glass, my dear doctor ; for, since 
we know the cause, the sooner we get rid of it the 
better. 

673. A late wit, at the time when the revolutionary 
names of the months (Thermidor, Floreal, Nivose, &c.) 
were adopted in France, proposed to extend the innova- 
tion to our own language, somewhat on the following 



JOE MILLER'S JESTS. 139 

model : Freezy, Sneezy, Breezy, Wheezy ; Showery, 
LoAvery, Flowery, Bowery; Snowy, Flowy, Blowy, 
Glo wy. 

674. A duel, between M. de Langerie and M. de Mon- 
tande, both remarkable for their ugliness, had a very 
comic catastrophe. Arrived at the place of fighting, M. 
de Langerie stared his adversary in the face, and said, I 
have just reflected ; I can't fight with you. With this 
he returned his sword to its scabbard. How, sir, what 
does this mean ? It means that I shall not fight. What ! 
you insult me, and refuse to give me satisfaction ? If I 
have insulted you, I ask a thousand pardons, but I have 
an insurmountable reason for not fighting with you. 
But, sir, may one know it ? It will offend you. Xo, sir. 
You assure me ? Yes, I assure you. Well, sir, this it 
is : if we fight, according to all apearances I shall kill 
you, and then I shall remain the ugliest fellow in the 
kingdom. His adversary could not help laughing, and 
they returned to the city good friends. 

675. A clergyman, on leaving church, was compliment- 
ed by one of his friends on the discourse he had been de- 
livering. South himself, exclaimed the delighted audi- 
tor, never preached a better. You are right, replied the 
honest divine, — it was the very best he ever did preach. 

676. On a remarkably hot summer's day, an Irishman, 
thinly and openly dressed, sitting down in a violent per- 
spiration, was cautioned against catching cold. Catch 
it ? said he, wiping his face, where ? I wish I could 
catch it. 

677. Sheridan made his appearance one day in a pair 
of new boots — these attracting the notice of some of his 
friends, Now guess, said he, how I came by these boots ? 
Many probable guesses then took place. No ! said Sher- 
idan, no, you've not hit it, nor ever will ; I bought them, 
and paid for them. 

678. A gentleman, long famous for the aptitude of his 
puns, observing a violent fracas in the front of a gin-shop, 
facetiously termed it the battle of A-gin-court. 



140 joe miller's jests. 

679. When Lord Sandwich was to present Admiral 
Campbell, he told him, that, probably, the king would 
knight him. The admiral did not much relish the hon- 
our. Weil, but, said Lord S., perhaps Mrs. Campbell 
will like it. Then let the king knight her, answered the 
rough seaman. 

680. A father, exhorting his son to early rising, relat- 
ed a story of a person who, early one morning, found a 
large purse of money. Well, replied the youth, but the 
person who lost it rose earlier. 

681. Reynolds, the dramatist, observing to Martin the 
thinness of the house at one of his own plays, added, He 
supposed it was owing to the war. No, replied the lat- 
ter, it is owing to the piece. 

682. A physician being sent for, by a maker of univers- 
al specifics, expressed his surprise at being called in on 
an occasion apparently so trifling, Not so trifling neither, 
replied the quack, for, to tell you the truth, I have taken 
some of my own pills. 

683. About the time when Murphy so successfully at- 
tacked the stage-struck heroes in the pleasant farce of 
4 The Apprentice,' an eminent poulterer went to a spout- 
ing-club in search of his servant, who, he understood, 
was that evening to make his debut in Lear, and entered 
the room at the moment he was exclaiming, "I am the 
king ; you cannot touch me for coining." No, you dog, 
cried the enraged master, catching the mad monarch by 
his collar, but I can for not picking the ducks. 

684. A West Indian, who had a remarkably fiery nose, 
sleeping in his chair, a negro-boy, who was in waiting, 
observed a musquito hovering about his face. Quashi 
eyed the insect very attentively, and at last saw him 
alight upon his master's nose, and immediately fly off 
again. Ah ! exclaimed the negro, me glad to see you 
burn your foot. 

685. Sheridan was dining with Lord Thurlow, when 
he produced some admirable Constantia, which had been 
sent him from the Cape of Good Hope. The wine tickled 



joe miller's jests. 141 

the palate of Sheridan, who saw the bottle emptied 
with uncommon regret, and set his wits to work to get 
another. The old Chancellor was not to be so easily in- 
duced to produce his curious Cape in such profusion, and. 
foiled all Sheridan's attempts to get another glass. Sher- 
idan being piqued, and seeing the inutility of persecuting 
the immovable pillar of the law, turned towards a gentle- 
man sitting farther clown, and said, Sir, pass me up that 
decanter, for I must return to Madeira since I cannot 
double the Cape. 

686. Two city merchants conversing upon business at 
the door of the New York Coffee-house, one of them 
made some remarks on the badness of the times ; and 
perceiving at the moment, a flight of pigeons passing 
over their heads, he exclaimed, How happy are those 
pigeons ! they have no acceptances to provide for. To 
which the other replied, You are rather in error, my 
friend, for they have their bills to provide for as well 
as we ! 

687. An Irishman having lost an eye, a friend of his 
recommended him to one of our famous oculists, with 
whom he agreed to give ten guineas for a very beautiful 
one shown him among the rest. He actually called the 
next day to abuse him for having sold him an eye with 
which he could not see. 

688. An Irish soldier pretending dumbness, and the 
surgeon of the regiment, after several attempts to restore 
him, declaring him incurable, was discharged. He, a short 
time afterwards enlisted in another corps, and being re- 
cognized by an old comrade, and questioned how he 
learned to speak ? By the powers, replied Terence, ten 
guineas would make any man speak. 

689. A singer once complaining to Mr. Jeffery, that 
himself and his brother (both of whom were deemed 
simpletons), had been ordered to take ass's milk, but that 
on account of its expensiveness, he hardly knew what 
they should do. Do ! cried Mr. Jeffery, why suck one 
another, to be sure. 



142 joe miller's jests. 

690. A Cantab, one clay observing a ragamuffin-looking 
boy scratching his head at the door of Stevenson, the 
bookseller, in Cambridge, where he was begging, and 
thinking to pass a joke upon him, said, So, Jack, you 
are picking them out, are you ? Nah, sar, retorted the 
urchin, I takes 'em as they come ! 

691. An Irish gardener seeing a boy stealing some 
fruit, swore, if he caught him there again, he'd lock him 
up in the ice-house, and warm his jacket. 

692. Swift's Stella, who was an Irish lady, being ex- 
tremely ill, her physician said, Madam, you are certainly 
near the bottom of the hill, but we shall endeavour to 
get you up again. She replied, Doctor, I am afraid I 
shall be out of breath before I get to the top again. 

693. A lady observing in company, how glorious and 
useful a body the sun was, — Why, yes, madam, said an 
Irish gentleman present, the sun is a very fine body, to 
be sure ; but, in my opinion, the moon is much more use- 
ful ; for the moon affords us light in the night-time, when 
we really want it ; whereas we have the sun with us in 
the day-time, when we have no occasion for it. 

694. Doctor Lucas, the celebrated Irish patriot, hav- 
ing, after a very sharp contest, carried the election as a 
representative in parliament for the city of Dublin, was 
met, a few days after, by a lady whose whole family were 
very warm in the interest of the unsuccessful candidate ; 
Well, doctor, said she, I find you have gained- the election. 
Yes, madam. Xo wonder, sir: all the blackguards vot- 
ed for you. No, madam, your two sons did not, return- 
ed the doctor. 

695. Anthony Pasquin one day leaning over the Mar- 
gate Pier,* after a tremendous storm on the preceding 
night, You have had a blustering night of it, said he, to 
an Irish sailor, who stood near him, but after a storm 
comes a calm. By my sowl, and so it ought, said Pat, 
for the winds and the waves had a hard night's bout of 
it, and it's time for them to rest themselves. 



joe miller's jests. 143 

696. An Irishman, speaking of the rapacity of the 
clergy in exacting their tithes, said, By Jasns, let a far- 
mer be ever so poor, they won't fail to make him pay 
his full tenths, whether he can or not ; nay, they would 
instead of a tenth take a twentieth, if the law permitted 
them. 

697. When Dr. Franklin applied to the King of Prus- 
sia to lend his assistance to America, Pray, doctor, said 
the veteran, what is the object you mean to attain ? 
Liberty, sire, replied the philosopher of Philadelphia : 
liberty ! that freedom which is the birth-right of man. 
The king, after a short pause, made this memorable and 
kingly answer : I was born a prince, I am become a king, 
and I will not use the power which I possess to the ruin 
of my own trade. 

698. Two gentlemen at Bath having a difference, one 
went to the other's door early in the morning, and wrote 
4 Scoundrel ' upon it. The other called upon his neigh- 
bour, and was answered by his servant, that his master 
was not at home, but if he had anything to say he might 
leave it with him. No, no, said lie, I was only going to 
return your master's visit, as lie left his name at my door 
this morning. 

699. A robustious countryman, meeting a physician, 
ran to hide behind a wall ; being asked the cause, he re- 
plied, It is so long since I have been sick, that I am 
ashamed to look a physician in the face. 

700. A Cantab being out of ready cash, went in haste 
to a fellow-student to borrow, who happened to be in bed 
at the time. Shaking him, the Cantab demanded, Are 
you asleep ? Why ? said the student. Because, replied 
the other, I want to borrow half-a-crown. Then, answer- 
ed the student, I'm asleep. 

701. Through an avenue of trees, at the back of Trin- 
ity College, a church may be seen at a considerable dis- 
tance, the approach to which affords no very pleasing 
scenery. The late Professor Porson, on a time, walk- 
ing that way with a friend, and observing the church, 



144 

remarked, That it put him in mind of a fellowship, which 
was a long dreary walk, with a church at the end of it. 

702. A certain lodging-house was very much infested 
by vermin ; a gentleman who slept there one night, told 
the landlady so in the morning, when she said, La, sir, 
we haven't a single one in the house. No, ma'am, said 
he, they're all married, and have large families too. 

703. One of the check-takers (an Irishman) at the Zoo- 
logical Society's Garden, mentioned to a friend, that the 
Queen had visited the garden incog, on a particular day. 
Why, said the person he was informing, It is odd w r e 
never heard of it ! Oh, not at all, at all, rejoined Pat : 
for she didn't come like a queen ; but clane and dacent 
like another lady ! 

704. An officer in full regimentals passing through a 
street in Dublin, apprehensive lest he should come in con- 
tact with a chimney sweep that Avas pressing towards 
him, exclaimed, Hold off, you black rascal. You were as 
black as me before you were boiled, cried sooty. 

705. Voltaire, in the presence of an Englishman, was 
one day enlarging with great warmth in the praise of 
Haller, extolling him as a great poet, a great naturalist, 
and a man of universal attainments. The Englishman, 
who had been on a visit to Haller, answered, that it was 
handsome in Monsieur de Voltaire to speak so favourably 
of Monsieur Haller, inasmuch as Monsieur Haller was by 
no means so liberal to Monsieur de Voltaire. Alas ! said 
Voltaire, with an air of philosophic indulgence, I dare to 
say we are both very much mistaken ! 

706. One day, when Sir Isaac Heard was with his 
majesty King George III., it was announced that his 
majesty's horse was ready to start for hunting. Sir Isaac, 
said the monarch, are you a judge of horses? In my 
younger days, please your majesty, was the reply, I was 
a great deal among them. What do you think of this, 
then ? said the king, who was by this time preparing to 
mount his favourite; and without waiting for an answer, 
added, We call him Perfection. A most appropriate 



JOE MILLER'S JESTS. 145 

name, replied the courtly herald, bowing as his majesty 
reached the saddle, for he bears the best of characters ! 

707. At Worcester Assizes, a cause was tried about 
the soundness of a horse, in which a clergyman, not edu- 
cated in the school of Tattersall, appeared as a witness. 
He was confused in giving his evidence, and a furious 
blustering counsellor, who examined him, was at last 
tempted to exclaim, Pray, sir, do you know the difference 
between a horse and a cow? I acknowledge my ignor- 
ance, replied the " clergyman : I hardly know the differ- 
ence between a horse and a cow, or a bully and a bull ; 
only that a bull, I am told, has horns, and a bully, bow- 
ing respectfully to the counsellor, luckily for me, has 
none. 

708. In a certain company, the conversation having 
fallen on the subject of craniology, and the organ of 
drunkenness being alluded to among others, a lady sug- 
gested that this must be the barrel-organ. 

709. The colonel of the Perthshire cavalry, was lately 
complaining, that, from the ignorance and inattention of 
his officers, he was obliged to do the whole duty of the 
regiment. I am, said he, my own captain, my own lieu- 
tenant, my own cornet. And trumpeter also, I presume, 
said a certain witty duchess. 

710. The late celebrated Dr. Brown paid his addresses 
to a lady for many years, but unsuccessfully ; during 
which time he had always accustomed himself to propose 
her health, whenever he was called upon for a lady. But 
being observed one evening to omit it, a gentleman remind- 
ed him, that he had forgotten to toast his favourite lady. 
Why, indeed, said the doctor, I find it all in vain ; I have 
toasted her so many years and cannot make her Brown, 
that I am determined to toast her no longer. 

711. Mr. Henry Erskine, celebrated for his elegant 
repartee, being in company with the beautiful Duchess 
of Gordon, asked her, Are we never again to enjoy the 
pleasure of your grace's society in Edinburgh ? Oh ! 
said she, Edinburgh is a vile dull place, I bate it. Madam, 



146 JOE MILLER S JESTS. 

replied the gallant barrister, the sun might as well say, 
this is a vile dark morning, I won't rise to-day. 

712. Serjeant Maynard, an eminent counsellor, waiting 
with the body of the law upon the Prince of Orange (af- 
terwards King William) on his arrival in London, the 
prince took notice of his great age, the Serjeant then be- 
ing near ninety. Sir, said he, you have outlived all the 
men of the law of your younger years. I should have 
outlived even the law itself, replied the Serjeant, if your 
highness had not arrived. 

713.. When Skelton published his 'Deism Revealed,' 
the Bishop of London asked the Bishop of Clogher if he 
knew the author ? Oh yes, he has been a curate in my 
diocese near these twenty years. More shame for your 
lordship to allow a man of his merit to continue so long 
a curate in your diocese, was the reply. 

714. A gentleman had a cask of Armenian wine, from 
which his servant stole a large quantity. When the mas- 
ter perceived the deficiency, he diligently inspected the 
top of the cask, but could find no traces of an opening. 
Look if there be not a whole in the bottom, said a by- 
stander. Blockhead, he replied, do you not see that the 
deficiency is at the top, and not at the bottom ? 

715. Malherbe, the famous reformer of French poetry, 
and of the French language, dined one day at the table 
of a bishop, who was to preach a sermon the same even- 
ing, but who was more hospitable than eloquent. The 
dinner was good, the wines delicious ; and the poet hav- 
ing freely partaken of both, began to nod, for want of 
enlivening conversation. When the hour came for the 
bishop's going to church, he shook Malherbe by the arm, 
and said, It is time to start, Malherbe : — you know I am 
to preach this evening. Ah, my lord, said the poet, be 
so good as to excuse me, for I can sleep very well where 
I am. 

716. A curate of great learning and merit, but without 
any prospect of preferment, found an opportunity of 
preaching before Bishop Hough, who was so well pleased 



JOE MILLEPv-3 JESTS. 147 

with his discourse and manner of delivery, that after serv- 
ice he sent his compliments to him, desiring to know his 
name, and where his living was. My duty to his lord- 
ship, replied the clergyman, and tell him my name is 
Lewis ; that living I have none ; but my starving is in 
Wales. The bishop soon after presented him to a valua- 
ble benefice. 

717. King John being shewn a stately monument 
erected over the grave of a nobleman who had rebelled 
against him, and being advised to deface it, answered, 
Xo, no, I wish all my enemies were as honourably 
buried. 

718. One day James the Second, in the middle of his 
courtiers, made use of this assertion : I never knew a 
modest man make his way at court. To this observation 
one of the gentlemen present boldly replied : And please 
your majesty, whose fault is that ? The king remained 
silent. 

719. As two Irish soldiers were passing through Chip- 
penham, one of them observing the Borough Arms (which 
have somewhat the appearance of a hatchment) over the 
Town-hall door, accosted his comrade with — Arrah, Pat, 
look up, what is that sign ? Botheration, cried Pat, 'tis 
no sign at all, at all, 'tis only a sign that somebody's dead 
that lives there. 

720. The Duke of Mantua once observed to the cele- 
brated Perron, that the court-jester was a fellow without 
either wit or humour. Your grace must pardon me, said 
Perron ; I think he has a great deal of wit to live by a 
trade that he does not understand. 

721. The facetious Mr. Bearcroft, told his friend Mr. 
Yansittart, Your name is such a long one, I shall drop 
the sittart, and call you Van, for the future. With all 
my heart, said he : by the same rule, I shall drop croft, 
and call you Bear ! 

722. In a life of St. Francis Xavier, written by an Ital- 
ian monk, it is said, That by one sermon he converted 
10,000 persons in a desert island ! 



148 joe miller's jests. 

723. During the time that martial law was in force in 
Ireland, and the people were prohibited from having fire- 
arms in their possession, some mischievous varlets gave 
information that Mr. Scanlon, a respectable apothecary 
of Dublin, had three mortars in his house. A magistrate, 
with a party of dragoons in his train, surrounded the 
house, and demanded, in the king's name, that the mor- 
tars should be delivered to him. Mr. Scanlon immedi- 
ately produced them, adding, that as they were useless 
without the pestles, those also were at his majesty's 
service. 

724. At the battle of Dettingen, George II., who 
commanded in person, rode on a very unruly horse, which 
at one period ran away with him to a very considerable 
distance, until Ensign Trapand, afterwards General, 
seized the bridle, when the king dismounted, exclaiming, 
Now that I am on my legs, I am sure that I shall not run 
away. At the same battle, the Gens-d'armes, the flower 
of the French army, made a desperate charge on the Brit- 
ish line opposed to them, and were repulsed. In their 
retreat they were attacked by the Scotch Greys, and 
forced into the river. Some years after, at a review of 
the above regiment, his majesty, after applauding their 
appearance, turned to the French ambassador, and asked 
him his opinion of the regiment, adding, in his exultant 
manner, that they were the best troops in the world. 
The ambassador replied, Has your majesty ever seen 
the Gens-d'armes ? No, rejoined the king, but my Greys 
have. 

725. A cause was once tried in one of the western 
counties which originated in a dispute about a pair of 
small-clothes. Upon this occasion the judge observed, 
That it was the first time he had ever known a suit made 
out of a pair of breeches. 

726. Some soldiers once fell upon a watchman in a 
small town, in a lonely street, and took away his money 
and coat. He immediately repaired to the captain of 
the regiment, to complain of his misfortune. The cap- 
tain asked him whether he had on the waistcoat he then 



JOE MILLER'S JESTS. 149 

wore when he was robbed by the soldiers. Yes, sir, 
replied the poor fellow. Then, my friend, rejoined the 
captain, I am can assure you they do not belong to my 
company ; otherwise they would have left you neither 
waistcoat nor shirt. 

727. A fashionable countess, asking a young nobleman 
which he thought the prettiest flowers, roses or tulips ? 
He replied with great gallantry, Your ladyship's two 
lips before all the roses in the world. 

728. A gentleman, who did not live very happy with 
his wife, on the maid telling him that she was going to 
give her mistress warning, as she kept scolding her from 
morning till night — Happy girl ! said the master, I wish 
I could give warning too. 

729. In a cause respecting a will, evidence was given 
to prove the testatrix, an apothecary's widow, a lunatic ; 
amongst other things, it was deposed, that she had 
swept a quantity of pots, lotions, potions, &c. into the 
street as rubbish. I doubt, said the learned judge, 
whether sweeping of physic into the street, be any proof 
of insanity. True, my lord, replied the counsel, but 
sweeping the pots away, certainly was. 

730. Dr. South, once preaching before Charles II. 
(who was not very often in a church), observing that the 
monarch and all his attendants began to nod, and, as 
nobles are common men when they are asleep, some of 
them soon after snored, on which he broke off his ser- 
mon, and called out, Lord Lauderdale, let me entreat 
you to rouse yourself; you snore so loud that you will 
wake the king. 

731. An Irishman, meeting an acquaintance, thus ac- 
costed him : Ah, my dear, who do you think I have just 
been speaking to ? your old friend Patrick ; faith, and he 
has grown so thin, I hardly knew him ; to be sure, you 
are thin, and I am thin, but he is thinner than both of us 
put together. 

732. An Irishman seeing a large quantity of potatoes 
standing in a market-place, observed to a by-stander, 



150 joe miller's jests. 

what a fine show of potatoes ! Yes, they are, replied 
he, very fine potatoes : I see you have the name quite 
pat ; how do you call them in your country ? Ah, faith ! 
returned the Irishman, we never call 'em ; when we 
want any, we go and dig them. 

733. During the recent unpleasant situation of affairs 
in Ireland, a watch-word was required of every pas- 
senger after a certain hour, with liberty for the senti- 
nel to interrogate at will. A poor harmless Irishman, 
travelling from Kilmainy to Kilinore, being asked con- 
cerning his place of departure, and place of destination, 
answered, to the astonishment of the inquirer, I have 
been to kill-many, and am going to kill-more. That you 
shall not, said the sentinel, and immepiately ran him 
through with his bayonet. 

734. A blind man, who goes about the streets of Lon- 
don, whining out a long story about his misfortunes, has, 
amongst other prayers for the charitable and humane, 
the following curious wish : — May you never see the 
darkness which I now see ! 

735. Demonax, hearing one declaim miserably, said, 
You should practice more. The orator answering, I am 
always declaiming to myself — he replied, No wonder 
you do not improve, having so foolish an audience. 

736. A Highlander, who sold brooms, went into a 
barber's shop in Glasgow, to get shaved. The barber 
bought one of his brooms, and, after having shaved him, 
asked the price of it. Tippence, said the Highlander. 
No, no, said the shaver ; I'll give you a penny, and if 
that does not satisfy you, take your broom again. The 
Highlander took it, and asked what he had to pay. A 
penny, said Strap. I'll gie ye a baubee, said Duncan, 
and if that dinna satisfy ye, pit on my beard again. 

737. A lady asking a gentleman, How it was that 
most medical men dressed in black ? he replied, The 
meaning is very obvious, as they are chiefly occupied in 
preparing grave subjects. 

738. When the British ships under Lord Nelson were 



JOE miller's jests. 151 

bearing down to attack the combined fleet off Trafalgar, 
the first lieutenant of the Revenge, on going round to 
see that all hands were at quarters, observed one of the 
men devoutly kneeling at the side of his gun. So very 
unusual an attitude in an English sailor, exciting his sur- 
prise and curiosity, he went and asked the man if he was 
afraid. Afraid ! answered the honest tar, no ! I was 
only praying that the enemy's shot may be distributed 
in the same proportion as prize-money — the greatest 
part among the officers. 

739. Indeed, indeed, friend Tom, said one citizen to 
another, you have spoiled the look of your nag by crop- 
ping his ears so close : what could be your reason for it ? 
Why, friend Turtle, I will tell you — my horse had a 
strange knack of being frightened, and on very trifling 
occasions would prick up his ears as if he had seen the 
devil, and so, to cure him, I cropped him. 

740. Macklin and Dr. Johnson disputing on a literary 
subject, Johnson quoted Greek. I do not understand 
Greek, said Macklin. A man who argues should under- 
stand every language, replied Johnson. Very well, said 
Macklin, and gave him a quotation from the Irish. 

741. A crooked gentleman, on his arrival at Bath, was 
asked by another, what place he had travelled from ? I 
came straight from London, replied he. Did you so ? 
said the other, then you have been terribly warped by 
the way. 

742. A countryman on a trial respecting the right of a 
fishery at a late Lancaster assizes, was cross-examined 
by Serjeant Cockel, who, among many other questions, 
asked the witness, Dost thou love fish ? Yes, said the 
poor fellow, with a look of native simplicity, but I dinna 
like Cockle sauce with it. A roar of laughter of course 
followed. 

743. A witness in a court, speaking in a very harsh 
and loud voice, the lawyer employed on the other side 
exclaimed, Fellow, why dost thou bark so furiously? 
Because, replied the rustic, I think I sees a thief. 



152 joe miller's jests. 

744. When Mr. Canning was about giving up Glouces- 
ter Lodge, Brompton, he said to his gardener, as he 
took a farewell look of the grounds, I am sorry, Fraser, 
to leave this old place. Psha, sir, said George, don't 
fret ; when you had this old place, you were out of place ; 
now you are in place, you can get both yourself and me 
a better place. The hint was taken, and old George 
provided for. 

745. An Irish Baronet, walking out with a gentleman, 
was met by his nurse, who requested charity. The 
baronet exclaimed vehemently, I will give you nothing : 
— you played me a scandalous trick in my infancy. The 
old woman, in amazement, asked him what injury she 
had done to him ? He answered, I was a fine boy, and 
you changed me ! 

746. Sir William B. being at a parish meeting, made 
some proposals that were objected to by a farmer. 
Highly enraged, Sir, said he to the farmer, do you know 
that I have been to two universities, and at two col- 
leges in each university? Well, sir, said the farmer, 
what of that ? I had a calf that sacked two cows, and 
the observation I made was, the more he sucked the 
greater calf he grew. 

747. Sir W. Curtis was once present at a public din- 
ner where the Dukes of York and Clarence formed part 
of the company. The president gave as a toast, The 
" Adelphi " (the Greek word for The Brothers). When 
it came to the worthy baronet's tarn to give a toast, he 
said, Mr. President, as you seem inclined to give public 
buildings, I beg leave to propose Somerset House. 

748. One of his Majesty's frigates being at anchor on 
a winter's night, in a tremendous gale of wind, the 
ground broke, and she began to drive. The lieutenant 
of the watch ran down to the captain, awoke him from 
his sleep, and told him the anchor had come home. 
Well, said the captain, rubbing his eyes, I think the 
anchor is perfectly right ; who would stay out such a 
night as this ? 



153 

749. The Duke cle Roquelaure meeting a very ugly 
country gentleman at court, who had a suit to offer, pre- 
sented it to the king, and urged his request, saying, he 
was under the greatest obligations to the suitor. The 
king asked what were these great obligations ? Ah ! 
Sire, were it not for him I should be the ugliest man in 
your majesty's dominions ! 

750. Archbishop Laud was a man of very short stature. 
Charles the First and the archbishop were one day 
seated at dinner, when it was agreed that Archy, the 
king's jester, should say grace for them, which he did in 
this fashion : Great praise be given to God, but little 
Laud to the devil. For this sally Laud was weak 
enough to insist upon Archy's dismissal. 

751. Lord Chancellor Hardwicke was very fond of 
entertaining his visitors with the following story of his 
bailiff, who, having been ordered by his kdy to procure 
a sow of a particular description, came one day into the 
dining-room, when full of company, proclaiming Avith a 
burst of joy he could not suppress, I have been at 
Eoyston fair, my lady, and I have got a sow^ exactly of 
your ladyship's size. 

752. An officer in Admiral Lord St. Vincent's fleet, 
asking one of the captains, who was gallantly bearing 
down upon the Spanish fleet, whether he had reckoned 
the number of the enemy ? Xo, replied the captain, it 
will be time enough to do that when they strike. 

753.*Sir Charles F received a severe injury one 

day in stepping into his cabriolet. Whereabouts were 

you hurt, Sir Charles ? said Sir Peter L ; was it near 

the vertebrae ? Xo, no, answered the baronet, it was 
near the Monument. 

754. Fletcher, of Saltoun, is well known to have pos- 
sessed a most irritable temper. His footman desiring to 
be dismissed, Why do you leave me ? said he. Because, 
to speak the truth, I cannot bear your temper. To be 
sure, I am passionate, but my passion is no sooner on 
than it is off. Yes, replied the servant, but it is no 
sooner off than it is on. 



154 JOE miller's jests. 

755. King James I. mounting a horse that was unruly, 
cried, The cle'el tak' your saul, sirrah, an ye be na quiet, 
I'll send ye to the five hundred kings in the House o' 
Commons : they'll sune tame ye. 

756. You are a Jew, said one man to another ; when 
I bought this pig of you it was to be a guinea, and now 
you demand five-and-twenty shillings, which is more 
than you asked. For that very reason, replied the other, 
I am no Jew, for a Jew always takes less than he asks. 

757. The celebrated Hogarth was one of the most 
absent of men. Soon after he set up his carriage, he had 
occasion to pay a visit to the lord mayor. When he 
went the weather was fine ; but he was detained by 
business till a violent shower of rain came on. Being 
let out of the mansion-house by a different door from 
that at which he had entered, he immediately began to 
call for a hackney-coach. Not one could be procured ; 
on which Hogarth sallied forth to brave the storm, and 
actually reached his house in Leicester Fields without 
bestowing a thought on his own carriage, till Mrs. 
Hogarth, astonished to see him so wet and hurried, asked 
him where he had left it. 

758. At a city feast one of the company was expa- 
tiating on the blessings of Providence. Ay, said the 
late Sir William Curtis, smacking his lips, it is a blessed 
place, sure enough ; we get all our turtle from it. 

759. When Cortez returned to Spain, he was coolly 
received by the emperor, Charles the Fifth. One day 
he suddenly presented himself to that monarch. Who 
are you? said the emperor, haughtily. The man, said 
Cortez, as haughtily, who has given you more provinces 
than your ancestors left you cities. 

760. Bautru, a celebrated French wit, being in Spain, 
went to visit the famous library of the Escurial, where 
he found a very ignorant librarian. The king of Spain 
interrogated him respecting the library. 'Tis an admi- 
rable one, indeed, said he ; but your majesty should give 
the man who has the care of it, the administration of 



JOE MILLERS JESTS. 155 

your finances. Wherefore ? asked the king. Because, 
replied Bautru, the man never touches the treasure that 
is confided to him. 

761. Mademoiselle, said Louis XV. to a young lady 
belonging to his court, I am assured that you are very 
learned, and understand four or five continental tongues. 
I speak only two, sire, answered she, trembling. Which 
are they? German and Italian. Do you speak them 
fluently ? Yes, sire, very fluently. Well, two are quite 
enough to drive a husband mad. 

762. At a grand review by George III. of the Ports- 
mouth fleet in 1789, there was a boy who mounted the 
shrouds with so much agility as to surprise every specta- 
tor. The king particularly noticed it, and said to Lord 
Lothian (an exceeding large man), Lothian, I have 
heard much of your agility, let us see you run up after 
that boy. Sire, replied Lord Lothian, it is my duty to 
follow your majesty. 

763. A gentleman crossing a very narrow bridge, 
which was not railed on either side to secure passengers 
from falling, said to a countryman whom he met, Me- 
thinks this narrow causeway must be very dangerous, 
honest friend ! pray are not people lost here sometimes ? 
Lost ! no, sir, replied the man, I never knew anybody 
lost here in my life ; there have been several drowned, 
but they were always found again. 

764. The Earl of P kept a number of swine at 

his seat in Wiltshire, and crossing the yard one day he 
was surprised to see the pigs gathered round one trough, 
and making a great noise. Curiosity prompted him to 
see what was the cause, and on looking into the trough 
he perceived a large silver spoon. Just at this crisis a 
servant maid came out, and began to abuse the pigs for 
crying so. Well they may, said his lordship, when they 
have got but one silver spoon among them all. 

765. Pierre Zapata, court jester to Charles V., being 
one day made a butt of by his master, that prince, 
expecting some joke in return, said to his courtiers, I 



156 joe miller's jests. 

shall be soon paid for this. To which the jester replied, 
Not so soon as you imagine, sire ; I am not prompt in 
paying those who are so tardy in paying others ! This 
repartee was found the more lively, owing to Zapata and 
the officers of the court not having for a long time re- 
ceived their pensions. 

766. David Hartley, member for Hull, during the 
coalition administration, was remarkable for the length 
and d ulness of his speeches. On one occasion, having 
reduced the house from three hundred to about eighty 
sleepy hearers, by one of his harangues, just at the time it 
was supposed he would conclude, he moved that the Riot 
Act should be read, in order to prove one of his previous 
assertions. Burke, avIio had been bursting with impa- 
tience for full an hour and a half, and who was anxious 
to speak to the question, finding himself about to be so 
disappointed, rose, exclaiming, The Riot Act, my dear 
friend ! the Riot Act ! to what purpose ? Don't you see 
that the mob is already completely dispersed ? Every 
person present was convulsed with laughter, except 
Hartley, who never changed countenance, and who still 
insisted that the Riot Act should be read by the clerk. 

767. When Lord Townshend was lord lieutenant of 
Ireland, the then provost of Dublin lost no opportunity 
of repeating his solicitations for places. My dear Hely, 
said his lordship, you have a great many things, and I 
have nothing to give but a majority in the dragoons. I 
accept it then, replied the provost. What ! you take a 
majority ! answered his lordship, zounds, it is impossible ; 
I only meant it as a joke. And I accept it, replied the 
provost, merely to show you how well I can take a joke. 

768. A lunatic in Bedlam was asked how he came 
there ? he answered, By a dispute. What dispute ? 
The bedlamite replied, The world said I was mad ; I 
said the world was mad ; and they outvoted me. 

769. When Sir Elijah Impey^ the Indian judge, was on 
his passage home, as he was one day walking the deck, 
it having blown pretty hard the preceding day, a shark 
was playing by the side of the ship. Having never seen 



JOE mLLEPw'S JESTS. 157 

such an object before, he called to one of the sailors to 
tell him what it was. Why, replied the tar, I don't 
know what name they know them by ashore, but here 
we call them sea-lawyers. 

770. A gentleman observed one day to Mr. Henry Er- 
skine, who was a great punster, that punning is the 
lowest sort of wit. It is so, answered he, and therefore 
the foundation of all. 

771. A lady, who made pretensions to the most re- 
fined feelings, went to her butcher to remonstrate with 
him on his cruel practices. Plow, said she, can you be 
so barbarous as to put innocent little lambs to death? 
Why not, madam, said the butcher ; you would not eat 
them alive, would you ? 

772. When Eochelle was besieged by the royalist 
armies in 162 7, the inhabitants elected for their mayor, 
captain, and governor, Jean Guiton. This brave man 
at first modestly refused the office ; but being pressed by 
all his fellow-townsmen, he took up a poignard and said, 
I will be mayor, since you wish it, but on the condition 
that I may be permitted to strike this poignard to the 
heart of the first who speaks of surrendering. I consent 
that you shall do the same to me, if I mention capitulat- 
ing ; and I demand that this poignard lie always ready 
on the table, when we assemble in the Town House. 
Cardinal de Richelieu, who conducted the operations of 
the siege, had raised a mole before the gate of the city, 
which shut up the entrance, and prevented provisions 
from reaching it. Some one saying to Guiton that many 
of the people had perished of hunger, and that death 
would soon sweep away all the inhabitants — Well, said 
he coolly, it will be sufficient if one remains to shut the 
gates. 

773. Among the addresses presented upon the acces- 
sion of James the First, was one from the ancient town 
of Shrewsbury, wishing his majesty might reign as long 
as the sun, moon, and stars endured. Faith, mon, said 
the king to the person who presented it, if I do, my son 
must reign by candlelight. 



158 joe miller's jests. 

774. A Frenchman meeting an English soldier with a 
Waterloo medal, began sneeringly to animadvert on our 
government for bestowing such a trifle, which did not 
cost them three francs. That is true, to be sure, replied 
the hero, it did not cost the English government three 
francs, but it cost the French a Xapoleon. 

775. Collins the poet, though of a melancholy cast of 
mind, was by no means averse to a jeu de mot, or quib- 
ble. Upon coming into a town the day after a young 
lady, of whom he was fond, had left it, he said, How un- 
lucky it was that he had come a day after the fair. 

776. A negro in Jamaica was tried for theft, and or- 
dered to be flogged. He begged to be heard, which 
being granted, he asked, If white man buy stolen goods, 
why he be no flogged too ? Well, said the judge, so he 
would. Dere den, replied Mungo, is my massa ; he buy 
tolen goods — he knew me tolen, and yet he buy me. 

777. Some sailors, who had made a great deal of prize- 
money, once determined on purchasing a horse for the 
use of the mess ; accordingly, one of them was pitched 
upc-n to buy the horse. As soon as this honest tar got on 
shore, he went to a noted horse-dealer, who brought out 
a very clever-looking horse for the sailor's inspection, 
which he particularly recommended to him, as being a 
nice, short-backed horse. Ay, that may be, said the sail- 
or, and that. is the very reason he won't do, for there is 
seven of us. 

778. The late Dr. Glover, well known for being one of 
the best companions in the world, was returning from a 
tavern one morning early, across Covent Garden, when a 
chairman cried out, A chair ! your honour, a chair ! Glov- 
er took no notice, but called his dog, who was a good 
way behind, Scrub, Scrub, Scrub ! Och, indeed ! says 
the chairman, there goes a pair o' ye ! The facetious 
doctor gave his countryman half-a-crown for the merry 
witticism. 

779. A nabob, in a severe fit of the gout, told his phy- 
sician that he suffered the pains of the damned. The doc- 
tor coolly answered, What, already ! 



joe miller's jests. 159 

780. A surgeon aboard a ship of war used to prescribe 
salt water for his patients in all. disorders. Having sail- 
ed one evening, on a party of pleasure, he happened, by 
some mischance, to be drowned. The captain, who had 
not heard of the disaster, asked one of the tars next day 
if he had heard anything of the doctor. Yes, answered 
Jack, after a turn of his quid, he was drowned last night 
in his medicine chest. 

781. The celebrated Daniel Burgess, dining with a 
gentleman of his congregation, a large Cheshire cheese, 
uncut, was brought to table. Where shall I cut it ? ask- 
ed Daniel. Anywhere you please, Mr. Burgess, answer- 
ed the gentleman. Upon which Daniel handed it to the 
servant, desiring him to carry it to his house, and he 
would cut it at home. 

782. How does your new purchased horse answer ? 
said the late Duke of Cumberland to George Selwyn. I 
really don't know, replied George, for I never asked him 
a question. 

783. A young fellow once came dancing, whistling, 
and singing into a room where old Colley Gibber sat 
coughing and spitting ; and, cutting a caper, triumphantly 
exclaimed, There, you old put, what would you give to 
be as young as I am ? Why, young man, replied he, I 
would agree to be almost as foolish. 

784. A recruiting serjeant addressing an honest coun- 
try bumpkin in one of the streets in Manchester, with 
Come my lad, thou'lt fight for thy king, won't thou ? 
Voight for my king, answered Hodge, why, has he fawn 
out wi' ony body ? 

785. After a battle lately between two celebrated pu- 
gilists, an Irishman made his way to the chaise, where 
the one who had lost the battle had been conveyed, and 
said to him, How are you, my good fellow ? can you see 
at all with the eye that's knocked out ? 

786. Two dinner-hunters meeting at Pall Mall a short 
time back, one inquired of the other how he had been for 
some days ? He replied, In a very poor w^ay indeed. I 



160 JOE MILLER S JESTS. 

have not been able to eat anything at all. God bless me ! 
said his hungry 1 friend, .that is extremely strange, you 
generally have a very good appetite, you must have been 
seriously ill. Oh ! not at all, believe me, you misconceive 
my meaning ; I could have eaten, but the reason why I 
have not been able to do so is, that no one has invited 
me to dinner. 

787. Mr. Curran was once asked, what an Irish gentle- 
man, just arrived in England, could mean by perpetually 
putting out his tongue ? I suppose, replied the wit, he's 
trying to catch the English accent. 

788. Have you anything else old ? said an English lady 
at Rome, to a boy of whom she had bought some modern 
antiques ; Yes, said the young urchin, thrusting forward 
his hat, which had seen some dozen summers, my hat is 
very old. The lady rewarded his wit. 

789. The late celebrated penurious H. Jennings, esq., 
who was reputed to be the richest commoner in England, 
when at the age of 92, was applied to by one of his ten- 
ants, then in the 80th year of his age, to renew his lease 
for a further term of 14 years, when, after some general 
observations, Mr. Jennings coolly said, Take a lease for 
21 years, or you will be troubling me again ! 

790. Sancho, said a dying planter to his slave, for your 
faithful services, I mean now to do you an honour ; and 
leave it in my will, that you shall be buried in our family 
ground. Ah, massa ! replied Sancho, Sancho no good to 
be buried ; Sancho rather have de money or de freedom ; 
besides, if de devil should come in de dark to look for 
massa, he might mistake, and take de poor negar man. 

791. Two gentlemen, the other day, conversing to- 
gether, one asked the other, if ever he had gone through 
Euclid. The reply was, I have never been farther from 
Liverpool than Runcon, and I don't recollect any place 
of that name. 

792. Lady Rachel is put to bed, said Sir Boyle to a 
friend. What has she got ? Guess. A boy ? No ; guess 
again. A girl ? Who told you ? 



JOE KILLER'S jests. 161 

793. The wife of a Scotch laird being suddenly taken 
very ill, the husband ordered the servant to get a horse 
ready to go to the next town to the doctor ; by the time, 
however, the horse was ready, and his letter to the doc- 
tor written, the lady recovered, on which he added the 
following postcript, and sent off the messenger : My wife 
being recovered, you need not come. 

794. In a company, consisting of naval officers, the dis- 
course happened to turn on the ferocity of small animals ; 
when an Irish gentleman present stated his opinion to be, 
that a Kilkenny cat, of all animals, was the most fero- 
cious ; and added, I can prove my assertion by a fact 
within my own knowledge : I once, said he, saw two of 
these animals fighting in a timber yard, and willing to 
see the result of a long battle, I drove them into a deep 
saw-pit, and placing some boards over the mouth, left 
them to their amusement. Xoxt morning I went to see 
the conclusion of the fight, and what d'ye think I saw ? 
One of the cats dead probably, replied one of the com- 
pany. Xo, by St. Patrick, there was nothing left in the 
pit but the two tails, and a bit of Hue. 

795. Dr. Wall, at a public dinner, was playing with a 
cork upon the table. What a dirty hand Dr. W\ has, 
said Mr. E. I will bet you a bottle there is a dirtier in 
company, said the doctor, who had overheard. Done. 
Upon which he produced his other hand, and won the 
wager. 

796. Dr. Ratcliffe being in a tavern one evening, a 
gentleman entered in great haste, almost speechless : 
Doctor, my wife is at the point of death, make haste, 
come with me. Xot till I have finished my bottle, how- 
ever, replied the doctor. The man, who happened to be 
a fine athletic fellow, finding entreaty useless, snatched 
up the doctor, hoisted him on his back, and carried him 
out of the tavern ; the moment he set the doctor upon 
his legs, he received from him, in a very emphatic man- 
ner, the following threat : Xow, you rascal, I'll cure your 
wife in spite of you. 

797. A little girl, who knew very well the painful am- 



162 joe miller's jests. 

iety which her mother had long suffered, during a tedi- 
ous course of litigation, hearing that she had at last lost 
her law-suit, innocently cried out, O, my dear mama ! 
how glad I am that you have lost that nasty law-suit, 
which used to give you so much trouble and uneasiness. 

798. A gentleman, who possessed a small estate in 
Gloucestershire, was allured to town by the promises of 
a courtier, who kept him in constant attendance for a 
long while to no purpose ; at last the gentleman, quite 
tired out, called upon his pretended friend, and told him 
that he had at last got a place. The courtier shook him 
very heartily by the hand, and said he was very much re- 
joiced at the event : But pray, sir, said he, where is your 
place ? In the Gloucester coach, replied the other ; I se- 
cured it last night ; and so good-bye to you. 

799. Mr. Rogers was requested by Lady Holland to 
ask Sir Philip Francis, whether he was the author of 
Junius. The poet approached the knight, Will your 
kindness, Sir Philip, excuse my addressing to you a single 
question ? At your peril, sir ! was the harsh and the la- 
conic answer. The bard returned to his friends, who 
eagerly asked him the result of his application. I don't 
know, he answered, whether he is Junius : but, if he be, 
he is certainly Junius Brutus. 

800. A girl forced by her parents into a disagreeable 
match with an old man, whom she detested, when the 
clergyman came to that part of the service where the 
bride is asked if she consents to take the bridegroom for 
her husband, said, with great simplicity, Oh dear, no, 
sir ; but you are the first person who has asked my opin- 
ion upon the affair. 

801. It is well known that the veterans who preside at 
the examinations of surgeons, question minutely those 
who wish to become qualified. After answering very 
satisfactorily to the numerous inquiries made, a young 
gentleman was asked, if he wished to give his patient a 
profuse perspiration, what he would prescribe. He men- 
tioned many diaphoretic medicines in case the first failed, 
but the unmerciful questioner thus continued, Pray, sir, 



joe filler's jests. 163 

suppose none of those succeeded, what step would you 
take next ? Why, sir, enjoined the harassed young Es- 
culapius, I would send him here to be examined ; and 
if that did not give him a sweat, I do not know what 
would. 

802. There is a celebrated reply of Mr. Curran to a 
remark of Lord Clare, who exclaimed at one of his legal 
positions, O ! if that be law, Mr. Curran, I may burn my 
law books! Better read them, my lord, was the sarcas- 
tic and appropriate rejoinder. 

803. Rock, the comedian, when at Covent Garden, ad- 
vised one of the scene-shifters, who had met with an ac- 
cident, to the plan of a subscription ; and a few days 
afterwards he asked for the list of names, which, when he 
read it over, he returned. Why, Rock, said the poor 
fellow, won't you give me something ? Zounds, man, 
replied the other, didn't I give you the hint. 

804. When Mr. Hankey was in vogue as a great 
banker, a sailor had as part of his pay, a draft on him 
for fifty pounds. This the sailor thought an immense 
sum, and calling at the house, insisted upon seeing the 
master in private. This was at length acceded to ; and 
when the banker and the sailor met together, the follow- 
ing conversation ensued. Sailor: Mr. Hankey, I've got 
a tickler for you — didn't like to expose you before the 
lads. — Hankey : That was kind. Pray, what's this 
tickler? — Sailor: Xever mind, don't be afraid, I won't 
hurt you ; 'tis a fifty. — Hankey : Ah ! that's a tickler, in- 
deed. — Sailor : Don't fret ; give me five pounds now, and 
the rest at so much a week, I shan't mention it to any- 
body. 

805. A conceited coxcomb once said to a barber's boy, 
Did you ever shave a monkey ? Why no, sir, replied the 
boy, never; but if you will please to sit down, I will try. 

806. An Irishman, a short time since, bid an extraordi- 
nary price for an alarum clock, and gave as a reason, 
That, as he loved to rise early, he had nothing to do but 
to pull the string, and he could wake himself. 



164 



807. A certain noble lord being in his early years 
much addicted to dissipation, his mother advised him to 
take example by a gentleman, whose food was herbs, and 
his drink water. What! madam, said he, would you 
have me to imitate a man who eats like a beast and drinks 
like a fish ? 

808. The town of Chartres was besieged by Henry 
IV., and at last capitulated. The magistrate of the 
town, on giving up his keys, addressed his majesty : — 
This town belongs to. your highness by divine law, and 
by human law. And by cannon law, too, added Henry. 

809. The Marquis St. Andre applied to Louvois, the 
war-minister of Louis XIV., for a small place then 
vacant. Louvois having received some complaints 
against the marquis, refused to comply. The nobleman, 
somewhat nettled, rather hastily said, If I were to enter 
again into the service, I know what I would do. And 
pray what would you do ? inquired the minister in a 
furious tone. St. Andre recollected himself, and had the 
presence of mind to say, I would take care to behave in 
such a manner, that your excellency should have nothing 
to reproach me with. Louvois, agreeably surprised at 
this reply, immediately granted his request. 

810. An Irish soldier, who came over with General 
Moore, being asked if he met with much hospitality in 
Holland ? O yes, replied he, too much : I was in the 
hospital almost all the time I was there. 

811. Henry IV. having bestowed the cordon bleu on a 
nobleman, at the solicitation of the Duke de Nevers, 
when the collar was put on, the nobleman made the cus- 
tomary speech, Sire, I am not worthy. I know it well, 
said the king, but I give you the order to please my 
cousin De Nevers. 

812. Dr. A., physician at Newcastle, being summon- 
ed to a vestry, in order to reprimand the sexton for 
drunkenness, he dwelt so long on the sexton's misconduct, 
as to raise his choler so as to draw from him this expres- 
sion : — Sir, I was in hopes you would have treated my 



joe miller's jests. 165 

failings with more gentleness, or that you would have 
been the last man alive to appear against me, as I have 
covered so many blunders of yours ! 

813. When I have a cold in my head, said a gentleman 
in company, I am always remarkably dull and stupid. 
You are much to be pitied, then, sir, replied another, for 
I don't remember ever to have seen you without. 

814. A prisoner, at the bar of the Mayor's Court, 
being called on to plead to an indictment for larceny, 
was told by the clerk to hold up his right hand. The 
man immediately held up his left hand. Hold up your 
right hand, said the clerk. Please your honour, said the 
culprit, still keeping up his left hand, I am left-handed. 

815. In a large party, one evening, the conversation 
turned upon young men's allowance at College. Tom 
Sheridan lamented the ill-judging parsimony of many 
parents, in that respect. I am sure, Tom, said his father, 
you need not complain ; I always allowed you eight 
hundred a year. Yes, father, I must confess you allowed 
it ; but then it was never paid. 

816. When Dr. Parr's preface to Bellendenus was the 
theme of general admiration, Home Tooke said of it, 
rather contemptuously, It consists of mere scraps ; allud- 
ing to the frequent use of the Ciceronean language. This 
sarcasm was mentioned to Parr, who afterwards meeting 
Tooke, said to him, So, Mr. Tooke, you think my Preface 
mere scraps ? True, replied Tooke, with inimitable rea- 
diness, but you know, my dear Doctor, scraps are often 
tit-bits. 

817. An old woman received a letter from the post- 
office, at New York. Not knowing how to read, and 
being anxious to know the contents, supposing it to 
be from one of her absent sons, she called on a person 
near to read the letter to her. He accordingly began 
and read: Charleston, June 23, 1826. Dear mother, — 
then making a stop to find out what followed (as the 
writing was rather bad), the old lady exclaimed — Oh, 
'tis my poor Jerry, he always stuttered ! 



1G6 JOE miller's jests. 

818. When Kleber was in Egypt, he sustained, during 
five hours, with only two thousand men, the united ef- 
forts of twenty thousand. He was nearly surround- 
ed, was wounded, and had only a narrow defile by 
which to escape. In this extremity, he called to him a 
chef de bataillon, named Chevardin, for whom he had a 
particular regard. Take, said he to him, a company of 
grenadiers, and stop the enemy at the ravine. You will 
be killed, but you will save your comrades. Yes, gen- 
eral, replied Chevardin. He gave his watch and his 
pocket-book to his servant, executed the order, and his 
death, in fact, arrested the enemy, and saved the 
French. 

819. An Irish gentleman was relating in company that 
he saw a terrible wind the other night. Saw a wind ! 
said another, I never heard of a wind being seen ! But, 
pray, what w^as it like ? Like to have blown my house 
about my ears, replied the first. 

820. Dr. O'Connor, in his History of Poland, says that 
the Irish are long-lived ; that some of them attain to the 
age of a hundred : in short, adds the doctor, they live as 
long as they can. 

821. An Irish labourer bought a pair of shoes, and at 
the same time asked the shoemaker, if he could tell him 
what would prevent them going down on the sides ? 
The shoemaker said, The only way to prevent that was 
to change them every morning. Pat accordingly re- 
turned the following morning, called for a pair of shoes, 
fitted them on, left the pair he bought the day before, 
and was walking out of the shop without further notice, 
when the shoemaker called to him to know what he was 
doing, telling him at the same time, that he had forgot- 
ten to pay for the shoes he had just bought. And is it 
Avhat am I doing, you ask? Am not I doing what you 
told me yesterday, changing my shoes every morning ? 

822. Notwithstanding the perpetual contention be- 
tween Rich and Garrick for the favour of the town, they 
lived upon very friendly terms. Rich had improved his 
house at Covent Garden, and made it capable of holding 



joe miller's jests. 167 

more, Garrick went with him to see it, and asked him 
in the theatrical phrase, How much money it would 
hold ? Sir, said Rich, that question I am at present un- 
able to answer, but were you to appear but one night on 
my stage, I should be able to tell you to the utmost 
shilling. 

823. Sir William Curtis lately sat near a gentleman at 
a civic dinner, who alluded to the excellence of the 
knives, adding, that articles manufactured from Cast 
steel were of a very superior quality, such as razors, 
forks, &c. Aye, replied the facetious baronet, and soap 
too — there's no soap like Castile soap. 

824. A miller, who attempted to be witty at the ex- 
pense of a youth of weak intellects, accosted him with, 
John, people say that you are a fool. To this, John re- 
plied, I don't know that I am, sir ; I know some things, 
sir, and some things I don't know, sir. Well, John, 
what do you know ? I know that millers always have 
fat hogs, sir. And what don't you know ? I don't know 
whose corn they eat, sir. 

825. When Dr. Ehreuberg (the Prussian traveller) 
was in Egypt, he said to a peasant, I suppose you are 
quite happy now ; the country looks like a garden, and 
every village has its minaret. God is great ! replied the 
peasant ; our master gives with one hand and takes with 
two. 

826. Frank Hay man was a dull dog. When he buried 
his wife, a friend asked him why he expended so much 
money on her funeral? Ah, sir, replied he, she' would 
have done as much, or more, for me, with pleasure. 

827. At a doctor's shop, a few doors from Westmin- 
ster Bridge, may be seen written up the following notifi- 
cation : , surgeon, apothecary, and accoucheur to 

the king. 

828. A certain bishop having recently conferred a 
piece of preferment on an able and amiable divine, resi- 
dent near London, the gentleman wrote to his son, who 
was at school at Brighton, announcing the circum- 



168 

stance ; adding, how extremely kind the bishop had 
been in giving him a stall : to which the youth returned 
the following answer : Dear father, I am extremely glad 
to hear of your preferment — now the bishop has given 
you another stall, perhaps you will keep a horse for me. 

829. Some one seeing a beggar in his shirt, in winter, 
as brisk as another muffled up to the ears in furs, asked 
him how he could endure to go so ? The man of many 
wants replied, Why, sir, you go with your face bare ; I 
am all face. A good reply, for a regular beggar, whether 
taken in a jocose or a philosophical sense. 

830. How do you find yourself, Mrs. Judy ? said a St. 
Bartholomew's surgeon, after taking off the arm of an 
Irish basket-woman. How do I find myself ? why, with- 
out my arm — how the devil else should I ? 

831. A loving husband once waited on a physician to 
request him to prescribe for his wife's eyes, which were 
very sore. Let her wash them, said the doctor, every 
morning, with a small glass of brandy. A few weeks 
after, the doctor chanced to meet the husband. Well, 
my friend, has your wife followed my advice ? She has 
done everything in her power to do it, doctor, said the 
spouse, but she never could get the glass higher than her 
mouth. 

832. Two Scotch clergymen, who were not so long- 
headed as they themselves imagined, met one day at the 
turning of a street, and ran their heads together un- 
awares. The shock was rather stunning to one of them. 
He pulled off his hat, and laying his hand on his fore- 
head, said, Sic a thump ! my heed's a' ringing again. 
Nae wonder, said his companion, your heed was aye 
Boss (empty), that makes it ring; my heed disna ring 
a bit. How could it ring, said the other, seeing it is 
cracket ? cracket vessels never ring. — Each described the 
other to a T. 

833. I will save you a thousand pounds, said an Irish- 
man to an old gentleman, if you don't stand in your own 
light. How ? You have a daughter, and you intend to 



JOE MILLER'S JESTS. 169 

give her ten thousand as a marriage portion. I do, sir. 
I will take her with nine thousand. 

834. An Irishman telling what he called an excellent 
story, a gentleman observed, he had met with it in a 
book published many years ago. Confound those an- 
cients, said Teague, they are always stealing one's good 
thoughts. 

835. A man of the name of Mark Noble, passing by 
the garrison at Hull, the sentinel, as usual, called out, 
Who goes there ? Twenty shillings, answered Mark. 
That cannot be, said the sentinel. Why, a Mark and a 
Noble make twenty shillings, said Mark. 

836. I live in Julia's eyes, said an affected dandy in 
Colman's hearing. I don't wonder at it, replied George, 
since I observed she had a sty in them when I saw her 
last. 

837. A veteran at the battle of Trafalgar, who was 
actively employed at one of the guns on the quarter-deck 
of the Britannia, had his leg shot off below the knee, 
and observed to an officer, who was ordering him to be 
conveyed to the cockpit, That's but a shilling touch ; an 
inch higher and I should have had my eighteen pence for 
it ; alluding by this to the scale of pensions allowed for 
wounds, which, of course, increase according to their se- 
verity. The same hearty fellow, as they were lifting him 
on a brother tar's shoulders, said to one of his friends, 
Bob, take a look for my leg, and give me the silver buckle 
out of my shoe ; I'll do as much for you, please God, 
some other time. 

838. Some time after Louis XIV. had collated the 
celebrated Bossuet to the bishopric of Meaux, he asked 
the citizens how they liked their new bishop. Why, your 
majesty, we like him pretty well. Pretty well ! why 
what fault have you to find with him? To tell your 
majesty the truth, we should have preferred having a 
bishop who had finished his education ; for whenever we 
wait upon him, we are told that he is at his studies. 

839. A boy who did not return after the holidays to 



170 joe miller's jests. 

Winchester school, by the time the master had charged 
him to do, returned at last loaded with a fine ham, as a 
bribe. The master took the ham, and told him, that he 
might give his compliments to his mother for the ham, 
but assured him it should not save his bacon, and flogged 
him. 

840. Previous to a late general election, two candi- 
dates for a northern county met in a ball-room. Why 
do you sit still ? said a friend, to one of them, whilst 
your opponent is tripping it so assiduously with the elec- 
tors' wives and daughters ? The aspirant for parliament- 
ary fame replied, I have no objection to his dancing for 
the county, if I am allowed to sit for it. 

841. An uninformed Irishman, heariug the Sphinx al- 
luded to in company, whispered to a friend, Sphinx ! who 
is he now ? A monster-man. Oh, a Minister man ! I 
thought he was from Connaught, replied the Irishman, 
determined not to seem totally unacquainted with the 
family. 

842. An Irish gentleman, sojourning at Mitchner's 
Hotel, Margate, felt much annoyed at the smallness of 
the bottles, considering the high price of the wine. One 
evening, taking his glass with a friend in the coffee-room, 
the pompous owner came in, when the gentleman, after 
apologizing to Mitchner, told him he and his friend had 
laid a wager, which he must decide, by telling him what 
profession he was bred to. Mitchner, after some hesita- 
tion at the question, answered that he was bred to the 
law. Then, said the gentleman, I have lost, for I laid 
that you was bred a packer. A packer, sir ! said Mitch- 
ner, SAvelling like a turkey-cock, what could induce 
you, sir, to think I was bred a packer ? Why, sir, said 
the other, I judged so from your wine measures, for I 
thought no man but a skilful packer could put a quart of 
wine into a pint bottle. 

843. Lady Carteret, wife of the lord lieutenant of Ire- 
land, in Swift's time, said to him, The air of this country 
is good. For God's sake, madam, said Swift, don't say 
60 in England : if you do they will certainly tax it. 



joe millee's jests. 171 

844. King Charles II. was reputed a great connois- 
seur in naval architecture. Being once at Chatham, to 
view a ship just finished, on the stocks, he asked the fam- 
ous Killigrew, if he did not think he should make an ex- 
cellent shipwright ? who pleasantly replied, He always 
thought his majesty would have done better at any other 
trade than his own. Xo favourable compliment, but as 
true a one, perhaps, as ever was paid. 

845. One day Dean Swift observed a great rabble as- 
sembled before the deanery door, in Kevin Street, and 
upon inquiring into the cause of it, he was told they 
were waiting to see the eclipse. He immediately sent 
for the beadle and told him what lie should do. Away 
ran Davy for his bell, and after ringing it some time 
among the crowd, bawled out — O yes, O yes ? all man- 
ner of persons here concerned are desired to take notice, 
that it is the Dean of St. Patrick's good will and pleas- 
ure, that the eclipse be put off till this time to-morrow ! 
so God save the king and his reverence the dean. The 
mob upon this dispersed ; only some Irish wit, more 
shrewd and cunning than the rest, said, with great self- 
complacency, that they would not lose another afternoon, 
for that the dean, who was a very comical man, might take 
it into his head to put off the eclipse again, and so make 
fools of them a second time. 

846. Some school-boys meeting a poor woman driving 
asses, one of them said to her, Good morning, mother of 
asses ! Good morning, my children, was the reply. 

847. A clergyman being at the point of death, a neigh- 
bouring brother, who had some interest with his patron, 
applied to him for the next presentation ; upon which the 
former, who soon recovered, upbraided him with a breach 
of friendship, and said he wanted his death. No, no, 
doctor, said the other, you quite mistake : it was your 
living I wanted. 

848. A gentleman in company complaining that he was 
very subject to catch cold in his feet, another, not over- 
loaded with sense, told him that might easily be prevent- 
ed, if he would follow his directions. I always get, said 



172 joe miller's jests. 

he, a thin piece of lead out of an India chest, and fit it 
to my shoe for this purpose. Then, sir, said the former, 
you are like a rope-dancer's pole, you have lead at both 
ends. 

849. The late Duchess of Kingston, who was remark- 
able for having a very high sense of her own dignity, 
being one day detained in her carriage by a cart of coals 
that was unloading in the street, she leaned with both her 
arms upon the door, and asked the fellow, How dare you, 
sirrah, stop a woman of quality in the street ? Woman 
of quality ! replied the man. Yes, fellow, rejoined her 
grace, don't you see my arms upon my carriage ? Yes, 
I do, indeed, said he, and a pair of plaguy coarse arms 
they are. 

850. A worthy churchwarden of Canterbury lately ex- 
cused himself, by note, from a dinner party, by alleging 
that he was engaged in taking the senses (census) of his 
parish. 

851. On the day for renewing the licences of the pub- 
licans in the West Riding of Yorkshire, one of the magis- 
trates said to an old woman who kept a little alehouse, 
that he trusted she did not put any pernicious ingredients 
into the liquor ; to whicli she replied, There is nought 
pernicious put into our barrels but the exciseman's stick. 

852. Some soldiers at Chelsea were bragging of the 
privations they had often undergone ; when one of them 
said, he had slept for weeks on rough boards, with a 
wooden pillow ; the other observed, that was a comfort 
to what he endured, having slept night after night, in 
Italy, on marble. An Irish fisherman, who was in com- 
pany, observed, It was all bother and nonsense, for he 
had often slept on a bed of oysters. 

853. A droll fellow, who got a livelihood by fiddling 
at fairs and about the country, was one day met by an 
acquaintance that had not seen him a great while, who 
accosted him thus : Bless me ! what, are you alive ? 
Why not ? answered the fiddler ; did you send anybody 
to kill me ? No, replied the other, but I was told you 



joe miller's jests. 173 

were dead. Ay, so it was reported, it seems, said the 
fiddler, but I knew it was false as soon as I heard it. 

854. Mr. M , the artist, was reading the paper the 

other day, while his boy, who had the daily task of pre- 
paring his palette for him, was rubbing in the various 
tints, when the boy suddenly stopped, and, with an 
anxious look, said, Pray, sir, I have heard so much 
about it, will you have the goodness to tell me what is 
the Color o' Morbus ? 

855. Milton, the British Homer, and prince of modern 
poets, in his latter days, and when he was blind — (a 
thing some men do with their eyes open), married a 
shrew. The Duke of Buckingham one day, in Milton's 
hearing, called her a rose. I am no judge of flowers, 
observed Milton, but it may be so, for I feel the thorns 
daily. 

856. One of the wooden mitres, carved by Gui. Gib- 
bon, over one of the stalls, in the cathedral church of 
Canterbury, happening to become loose, Jessy White, 
the surveyor of that edifice, inquired of the dean whe- 
ther he should make it fast ; for, perhaps, said Jessy, 
it may fell on your reverence's head. Well, Jessy, sup- 
pose it does, answered the humorous Cantab, suppose it 
does fall on my head, I don't know that a mitre falling 
on my head would hurt it. 

857. A gentleman of Magdalen College, whose name 
was Xott, returning late from his friend's rooms in 
rather a merry mood, and, not quite able to preserve his 
centre of gravity, in his way home, attracted the atten- 
tion of the proctor, who demanded his name and college. 
I am Xott of Maudlin, was the hiccuping reply. Sir, 
said the proctor, in an angry tone, I did not ask of what 
college you are not, but of what college you are. I am 
Xott of Maudlin, was again the broken reply. The 
proctor, enraged at what he considered contumely, in- 
sisted on accompanying him to Maudlin, whither having 
arrived, he demanded of the porter whether he knew 
the gentleman. Know him, sir, said the porter, yes, it 
is Mr. Xott, of this college. The proctor now perceived 



174 joe miller's jests. 

his error in not understanding the gentleman, and, laugh- 
ing heartily at the affair, wished him a good night. 

858. Bishop Sherlock and Hoadly were both fresh- 
men of the same year, at Catherine Hall, Cambridge. 
The classical subject in which they were first lectured, 
was Tully's Offices, and it so happened, one morning, 
that Hoadly received a compliment from the tutor for 
the excellence of his construing. Sherlock, a little vexed 
at the preference shown to his rival (for such they then 
were), and, thinking to bore Hoadly by the remark, said, 
when they left the lecture-room, Ben, you made good 
use of L'Estrange's translation to-day. Why, no, Tom, 
retorted Hoadly, I did not, for I had not got one ; and I 
forgot to borrow yours, which is the only one in the 
college. 

859. A cockney sportsman, being out one day amus- 
ing himself with shooting, happened to fire through a 
hedge, on the other side of which wjis a man, standing 
or leaning, no matter which. The shot passed through 
the man's hat, but missed the bird. Did you fire at me, 
sir? he hastily asked. O no, sir, said the shrewd sports- 
man, I never hit what I fire at. 

860. Some persons broke into the stables belonging to 
a troop of horse, which was quartered at Carlisle, and 
wantonly docked the tail of every horse close to the 
rump. The captain, relating the circumstance next day, 
to a brother officer, said he was at a loss what to do 
with the horses. I fancy you must dispose of them by 
wholesale, was the reply. Why by wholesale ? Be- 
cause you'll certainly find it impossible to retail them. 

861. At one of the Holland House Sunday dinner- 
parties, a few years ago, Crockford's club, then forming, 
was talked of; and the noble hostess observed, that the 
female passion for diamonds was surely less ruinous than 
the rage for play among men. In short, you think, said 
Mr. Rogers, that clubs are worse than diamonds. This 
joke excited a laugh, and when it had subsided, Sydney 
Smith wrote the following impromptu sermonet — most 
appropriately on a card : 



JOE MILLER'S JESTS. 1^5 

Thoughtless that " all that's brightest fades," 
Unmindful of that Knave of Spades, 

The Sexton and his Subs : 
How foolishly we play our parts ! 
Our wives on diamonds set their hearts, 

We set our hearts on clubs. 

862. The Duke of Clarence jocularly observing to a 
captain of the navy, that he heard he read the Bible, 
wished to know what he had learned from it. The cap- 
tain replied that there was one part of Scripture, at 
least, which he well remembered, and thought it con- 
tained an admirable lesson. What is that ? cried the 
duke. Not to put my trust in princes ! your royal high- 
ness. 

863. Mr. Abrahams, said Lord Mansfield, this man is 
your son, and cannot go in the same bail bond. He ish 
not my son, my lord. Why, Mr. Abrahams, here are 
twenty in court will prove it. I will shwear, my lord, he 
ish not. Take care, Abrahams, or I will send you to the 
King's Bench. Xow, my lord, if your lordship pleases, 
I will tell you the truth. Well, I shall be glad to hear 
the truth from a Jew, replied Lord Mansfield. My lord, 
I wash in Amsterdam two years and three quarters; 
when I came home I findish this lad ; now the law 
obliges me to maintain him ; and consequently, my lord, 
he ish but my son-in-law. Well, rejoined Lord Mans- 
field, this is the best definition of a son-in-law I ever 
heard. 

864. An Irishman being told that a friend of his had 
put his money in the stocks, Well, said he, I never had 
a farthing in the stocks, but I have had my legs often 
enough in them. 

865. Dr. Fuller having requested one of his com- 
panions, who was a bon vivant, to make an epitaph for 
him, received the following, with the conceit of which 
he always expressed himself much pleased — u LIere lies 
Fuller's earth." 

866. Two Irish seamen being on board a ship of war 
that was lying at Spithead, one of them, looking on 



176 joe miller's jests. 

Haslar Hospital, observed, How much that building 
puts me in mind of my father's stables. Arrah, my 
honey, cried the other, come with me, and I will shew 
you what will put you in mind of your father's house. 
So saying, he led him to the pig-sty. There, said he, 
does not that put you in mind of your father's parlour ? 

867. At a violent opposition election for Shrewsbury, 
in the reign of George I., a half-pay officer, who was a 
non-resident burgess, was, with some other voters, 
brought down from London at the expense of Mr. 
Kynaston, one of the candidates. The old campaigner 
regularly attended and feasted at the houses which were 
opened for the electors in Mr. Kynaston's interest, until 
the last day of the polling, when, to the astonishment 
of the party, he gave his vote to his opponent. For 
this strange conduct he was reproached by his quondam 
companions, and asked, what could have induced him to 
act so dishonourable a part, and become an apostate. 
An apostate ! answered the old soldier — an apostate ! by 
no means. I made up my mind about whom I should 
vote for before I set out upon this campaign ; but I re- 
membered the duke's constant advice to us when I 
served with our army in Flanders — Always quarter upon 
the enemy, my lads ; always quarter upon the enemy. 

868. One of those Hibernian lapidaries to whose skill 
the London pavements are so highly indebted, was tried 
at the Old Bailey one day for biting off the nose of a 
Welchman, a brother paviour, in a quarrel, at their 
work. The unfortunate Cambrian appeared in court 
with his noseless countenance, and swore the fact 
against the prisoner ; but Dennis stoutly denied it, and 
called his gossip, another Hibernian paviour, to give 
evidence in his defence. This witness, with great ap- 
parent simplicity, stated, That to be sure his gossip 
and the other man had a little bit of a scrimmage, 
and both fell together ; that the Welchman made seve- 
ral attempts to bite his gossip's face, and at last he 
made a twist of his mouth, and bit off his own nose in a 
mistake. 



job miller's jests. 177 

869. Counsellor Crips, of Cork, being on a party at 
Castle Martyr, the seat of the Earl of Shannon, in Ire- 
land, one of the company, who was a physician, strolled 
out before . dinner into the church-yard. Dinner being 
served up, and the doctor not returned, some of the 
company were expressing their surprise where he could 
be gone to. Oh, said the counsellor, he is but just 
stepped out to pay a visit to some of his old patients. 

870. Sir John Davis, a Welchman, in the reign of 
King James I., wrote a letter to the king in these 
words : Most mighty Prince ! the gold mine that was 
lately discovered in Ballycurry turns out to be a lead 
one. 

871. An Irish gentleman in company, seeing that the 
lights were so dim as only to render the darkness visi- 
ble, called out lustily, Here, waiter, let me have a couple 
of daycent candles, just that I may see how these others 
burn. 

872. An Irishman lately arriving in London, and pass- 
ing through Broad Street, observed a glass globe, con-, 
taining some fine large gold fish, he exclaimed — And 
sure, this is the first time in my life that I have seen live 
red herrings. 

873. The father of the celebrated Sheridan was one 
day descanting on the pedigree of his family, regretting 
that they were no longer styled the O'Sheridans, as they 
were formerly. Indeed, father, replied Sheridan, then a 
boy, we have more right to the O than any one else ; for 
we owe everybody. 

874. A country carpenter having neglected to make a 
gibbet (which was ordered by the executioner), on the 
ground that he had not been paid for the last he erected, 
gave so much offence, that the next time the judge went 
the circuit he was sent for. Fellow, said the judge, in a 
stern tone, how came you to neglect making the gibbet 
that was ordered on my account ? I humbly beg your 
pardon, said the carpenter, had I known it had been for 
your lordship, it should have been done immediately. 



178 joe miller's jests. 

875. An Intendant of Montpellier, having lost his lady, 
was solicitous that the chief officers of the city should at- 
tend her funeral obsequies. This honour the magistrates 
thought proper to refuse, because it was not. customary, 
and might introduce a bad precedent. With a view, 
however, to conciliate the favour of a person whom it 
would not be their interest to offend, they politely added, 
If, sir, it had been your own funeral, we should have at- 
tended it with the greatest pleasure. 

876. An Irish bookseller, previous to a trial in which 
he was the defendant, was informed by his counsel, that 
if there were any of the jury to whom he had personal 
objection, he might legally challenge them. Faith, and 
so I will, replied he ; if they do not bring me off hand- 
somely I will shoot every man of them. 

877. A prisoner confined in a French prison for a petty 
debt, lately sent to his creditor, to let him know he had a 
proposal to make for their mutual benefit. The creditor 
came, and the incarcerated thus addressed him : Sir, I 

^have been thinking that it is a very idle thing for me to 
be here, and put you to the expense of twenty sous a day. 
My being so chargeable to you has given me great un- 
easiness, and God knows what it may cost you in the end. 
Therefore, I propose that you should let me out of prison, 
and, instead of a franc, you shall allow me only ten sous 
a day, and the other half franc shall go towards the dis- 
charge of the debt. [%* By the French law a creditor 
is bound to allow his debtor a franc a day so long as he 
detains him in prison.] 

878. Porson was no less distinguished for his wit and 
humour during his residence in Cambridge, than for his 
profound learning ; and he would frequently divert him- 
self by sending quizzical morceaux, in the shape of notes, 
to his companions. He one day sent his gyp with a note 
to a certain Cantab, who is now a D.D. and master of his 
college, requesting him to find the value of nothing ; next 
day he met his friend walking, and, stopping him, he de- 
sired to know, whether he had succeeded ? His friend 
answered, Yes. And what may it be ? asked Porson. 



joe miller's jests. 179 

Sixpence ! replied he, which I gave the man for bringing 

the note. 

879. A fellow of atrocious ugliness chanced to pick up 
a looking-glass on his road. But when he looked at him- 
self he flung it away in a rage, crying, Curse you, if you 
were good for anything you would not have been thrown 
away by your owner. 

880. Dr. Graham being on his stage at Chelmsford, in 
Essex, in order to promote the sale of his medicines, told 
the country peoj^le that he came there for the good of the 
public, not for want. Then speaking to his merry An- 
drew, Andrew, said he, do we come here for want ? Xo, 
faith, sir, said Andrew, we have enough of that at home. 

881. An Irish gentleman meeting his nephew, who 
told him he had just been entered at college, replied, I 
am extremely happy to hear it ; make the most of your 
time and abilities, and I hope I shall live to hear you 
preach my funeral sermon. 

882. An old gentleman, who used to frequent one of 
the coffee-houses in Dublin, being unwell, thought he 
might make so free as to steal an opinion concerning his 
case ; accordingly, one day he took an opportunity of 
asking one of the faculty, who sat in the same box with 
him, what he should take for such a complaint ? Advice, 
said the doctor. 

883. An Irishman maintained in company that the sun 
did not make his revolution round the earth. But how, 
said one to him, is it possible, that having reached the 
west, where he sets, he could be seen to rise in the east, 
if he did not pass underneath the globe ? How puzzled 
you are, replied the obstinate ignorant man ; he returns 
the same way ; and if it be not perceived, it is on account 
of his coming back by night. 

884. Baron d'Adrets occasionally made his prisoners 
throw themselves headlong, from the battlements of a 
high tower, upon the pikes of his soldiers. One of these 
unfortunate persons, having approached the battlements 
twice, without venturing to leap, the baron reproached 



180 joe miller's jests. 

• 
him with his want of courage, in a very insulting man- 
ner. Why, sir, said the prisoner, bold as you are, I would 
give you five times before you took the leap. This pleas- 
antry saved the poor fellow's life. 

885. An Irishman, angling in the rain, was observed to 
keep his line under the arch of a bridge ; upon being 
asked the reason, he gave the following answer : To be 
sure, the fishes will be after crowding there, in order to 
keep out of the wet. 

886. A foolish fellow went to the parish priest, and 
told him, with a very long face, that he had seen a ghost. 
When and where ? said the pastor. Last night, replied 
the timid man, I was passing by the church, and up 
against the wall of it, did I behold the spectre. In what 
shape did it appear ? replied the priest. It appeared in 
the shape of a great ass. Go home, and say not a word 
about it, rejoined the pastor: you are a very timid man, 
and have been frightened by your own shadow. 

887. A lady remarking to a bookseller that she had 
just had Crabbe's Tales, and thought them excellent ; an- 
other lady heard the observation with astonishment, and 
on the departure of the speaker, asked the bookseller, 
with a very grave face, If he could tell her how the crab's 
tails were dressed, as she should like much to taste them. 

888. A very worthy, though not particularly erudite, 
underwriter at Lloyd's was conversing one day with a 
friend in the coffee-house, on the subject of a ship they 
had mutually insured. His friend observed, Do you 
know, I shrewdly suspect our ship is in jeopardy. The 
devil she is ! said he ; well, I am glad that she has got 
into port at last. 

889. Sir Thomas Overbury says, that the man who has 
not anything to boast of but his illustrious ancestors, is 
like a potato plant — the only good belonging to him is 
under ground. 

890. It is well known that the celebrated lawyer Dun- 
ning (afterwards Lord Ashburton) was a severe cross- 
examiner, unsparing in his sarcasms and reflections upon 



JOE MILLEE'S JESTS. 181 

character, when he thought that the truth might be elic- 
ited by alarming a witness. He sometimes was harsh 
and overbearing, when milder behaviour would have done 
him more credit, and answered his purpose quite as well. 
Among the numerous rebukes which he received for this 
habit of severity, the following is related, from his brother 
barrister, Jack Lee. He mentioned to Lee that he had 
made a purchase of some manors in Devonshire. It 
would be well, said Lee, if you could bring them to 
Westminster Hall. 

891. The late Lee Lewes shooting on a field, the pro- 
prietor attacked him violently : I allow no person, said 
he, to kill game on my manor but myself, and I'll shoot 
you, if you come here again. What, said the other, I 
suppose you mean to make game of me. 

892. George the Fourth, on hearing some one declare 
that Moore had murdered Sheridan, in his biography of 
that statesman, observed : I won't say that Mr. Moore 
has murdered Sheridan, but he has certainly attempted 
his life. 

893. The late Duke of Xorfolk was remarkably fond 
of his bottle. On a masquerade night, he consulted 
Foote as to what character he should appear in. Don't 
go disguised, said Foote, but assume a new character ; 
go sober. 

894. Lord B — , who sports a ferocious pair of whiskers, 
meeting Mr. O'Conneli in Dublin, the latter said, When 
do you mean to place your whiskers on the peace estab- 
lishment? When you place your tongue on the civil 
list! was the witty rejoinder. 

895. A gentleman, at whose house Swift was once 
dining in Ireland, introduced at dinner remarkably 
small hock glasses, and at length turning to Swift ad- 
dressed him, — Mr. Dean, I shall be happy to take a glass 
of ftic, hcec, hoc, with you. Sir, rejoined the doctor, I 
shall be happy to comply, but it must be out of a hujus 
glass. 

896. There were two very fat noblemen at the court 



182 joe miller's jests. 

of Louis the Fifteenth, the Duke cle L — and the Duke 
cle N* — . They were both one day at the levee, when the 
king began to rally the former on his corpulence. You 
take no exercise, I suppose, said the king. Pardon me, 
sire, said de L — , I walk twice a day round my cousin 
cle N— . 

897. An avaricious fenman, who kept a very scanty 
table, dining on Saturday with his son at an ordinary in 
Cambridge, whispered in his ear, Tom, you must eat for 
to-day and to-morrow. O, yes, retorted the half-starved 
lad, but I ha'nt eaten for yesterday and to-day yet, father. 

898. Shortly after the commencement of the last war, 
a tax was laid on candles, which, as a political economist 
would prove, made them dear. A Scotch wife, in 
Greenock, remarked to her chandler, Paddy Macbeth, 
that the price was raised, and asked why. It's a' owin' 
to the war, said Paddy. The war ! said the astonished 
matron, gracious me ! are they gaun to fight by candle 
light ? 

899. Dr. Parr, who, it is well known, was not very par- 
tial to the Thea linensis, although lauded so warmly by 
a French writer as nostris gratissima musis, being invit- 
ed to take tea by a lady, with true classic wit and refin- 
ed gallantry, uttered the following delicate compliment : 
— Noil possum te-cum vivere, nee sine te ! 

900. Benjamin Franklin, when a child, found the long 
graces used by his father before and after meals, very 
tedious. One day, after the winter's provisions had been 
salted — I think, father, said Benjamin, if you were to 
say grace over the Avhole cask once for all, it would be 
a great saving of time. 

901. Mr. Pitt, said the Duchess of Gordon, I wish you 
to dine with me at ten this evening. I must decline the 
honour, said the premier, for I am engaged to sup with 
the Bishop of Lincoln at nine. 

902. Burnet relates that the Habeas Corpus. Act was 
carried by an odd artifice in the House of Lords. Lords 
Grey and Norris being named the tellers, and Lord Nor- 



joe miller's jests. 183 

ris being subject to vapours, was not at all times atten- 
tive ; on a very fat lord passing, Lord Grey counted him 
as ten, as a jest at first, but seeing Lord Xorris bad not 
observed it, he went on, and it was reported to the 
house, and it was declared, that they who were for the 
bill, were the majority, though it was really on the other 
side ; and by this means the bill was passed. Would 
that all tricks had the same happy results ! 

903. The late Eonnel Thornton, like most wits, was a 
lover of conviviality, which frequently led him to spend 
the whole night in company, and ail the next morning in 
bed. On one of these occasions, an old female relation, 
having waited on him before he had risen, began to read 
him a familiar lecture on prudence ; which she concluded 
by saying, Ah ! Bonnel, Bonnel ! I see plainly that you'll 
shorten your days. Very true, Madam, replied he, but, 
by the same rule, you must admit that I shall lengthen 
my nights. 

904. An attorney, who was much molested by a fellow 
importuning him to bestow something, threatened to 
have him taken up as a common beggar. A beggar! ex- 
claimed the man, I would have you to know that I am 
of the same profession as yourself; are we not both so- 
licitors ? That may be, friend, yet there is this differ- 
ence — you are not a legal one, which I am. 

905. Two Oxonians dining together, one of them no- 
ticing a spot of grease on the neckcloth of his compan- 
ion, said, I see you are a Grecian. Pooh ! said the other, 
that's far-fetched. No, indeed, said the punster, I made 
it on the spot. 

906. Foote being in company, and the Tuscan grape 
producing more riot than concord, he observed one 
gentleman so far gone in debate as to throw the bottle 
at his antagonist's head ; upon which, catching the mis- 
sile in his hand, lie restored the harmony of the com- 
pany, by observing, that if the bottle was passed so 
quickly, not one of them would be able to stand out the 
evening. 



184 joe miller's jests. 

907. On Mr. II. Erskine's receiving his appointment 
to succeed Mr. Dundas, as justiciary in Scotland, he ex- 
claimed that he must go and order his silk robe. Never 
mind, said Mr. Dundas, for the short time you will want 
it, you had better borrow mine ! No ! replied Erskine, 
how short a time soever I may need it, heaven forbid 
that I commence my career by adopting the abandoned 
habits of my predecessor. 

908. Lord Mansfield being willing to save a man who 
stole a watch, desired the jury to value it at tenpence ; 
upon which the prosecutor cried out, Tenpence, my lord ! 
why the very fashion of it cost me five pounds. Oh, said 
his lordship, we must not hang a man for fashion's sake. 

909. One morning a party came into the public rooms 
at Buxton, somewhat later than usual, and requested 
some tongue. They were told that Lord Byron had 
eaten it all. I am very angry with his lordship, said a 
lady, loud enough for him to hear the observation. I am 
sorry for it, madam, retorted Lord Byron ; but before I 
ate the tongue, I was assured you did not want it. 

910. Sir William Gooch being: en^a^ed in conversation 
with a gentleman in a street of the city of Williams- 
burgh, returned the salute of a negro, who was passing 
by about his master's business. Sir William, said the 
gentleman, do you descend so far as to salute a slave ? 
Why, yes, replied the governor ; I cannot suffer a man 
of his condition to exceed me in good manners. 

911. A learned Irish Judge, among other peculiarities, 
has a habit of begging pardon on every occasion. On 
his circuit, a short time since, his favourite expression 
was employed in a singular manner. At the close of the 
assize, as he was about to leave the bench, the officer of 
the court reminded him that he had not passed sentence 
on one of the criminals, as he had intended — Dear me ! 
said his lordship, I really beg his pardon — bring him in. 

912. Dr. Parr and Lord Erskine are said to have been 
the vainest men of their time. At dinner, some years 
since, Dr. Parr, in ecstasy with the conversational pow- 



joe mtller's jests. . 185 

ers of Lord E., called out to him, My lord, I mean to 
write your epitaph. Dr. Parr, replied the noble lawyer, 
it is a temptation to commit suicide. 

913. Gibbon the historian, notwithstanding his short- 
ness and rotundity, was very gallant. One day being 
alone with Madame de Cronuas, Gibbon wished to seize 
the favourable moment, and suddenly dropping on his 
knees, he declared his love in the most passionate terms. 
Madame de Cronuas replied in a tone to prevent the re- 
petition of such a scene. Gibbon was thunder-struck, 
but still remained on his knees, though frequently desir- 
ed to get up and resume his seat. Sir, said Madame de 
Cronuas, will you have the goodness to rise ? Alas, ma- 
dam, replied the unhappy lover, I cannot — (his size pre- 
vented him from rising without assistance) — upon this 
Madame de Cronuas rang the bell, saying to the servant, 
Assist Mr. Gibbon up. 

914. An Irishman, who served on board a man-of-war 
in the capacity of a waister, was selected by one of the 
officers to haul in a tow-line, of considerable length, that 
was towing over the taffrail. After rowsing-in forty or 
fifty fathoms, which had put his patience severely to 
proof, as well as every muscle of his arms, he muttered 
to himself, By my soul, it's as long as to-day and to- 
morrow ! — It's a good week's work for any five in the 
ship ! — Bad luck to the arm or leg it'll lave me at last ! — 
What ! more of it yet ! — Och, murder ; the sa's mighty 
deep, to be sure ! When, after continuing in a similar 
strain, and conceiving there was little probability of the 
completion of the labour, he stopped suddenly short, and 
addressing the officer of the watch, exclaimed, Bad man- 
ners to me sir, if I don't think somebody's cut off the 
other end of it ! 

915. Rose, private secretary to Louis XIV., having 
married his daughter to M. Portail, president of the par- 
liament, was constantly receiving from his son-in-law, 
complaints of his daughter's ill temper. To one of these 
he at length answered, that he was fully convinced of her 
misconduct, and was resolved to punish her for it : in 



186 joe miller's jests. 

short, that if he heard any more of it, he would disin- 
herit her. He heard no more. 

916. It was some years ago said in the parliament- 
house at Edinburgh, that a gentleman who was notori- 
ous for a pretty good appetite, had eaten away his 
senses. Poh ! replied Erskine, they would not be a 
mouthful to a man of his bowels. 

917. Sir Watkin Williams Wynne talking to a friend 
about the antiquity of his family, which he carried up to 
IN oah, was told that he was a mere mushroom of yester- 
day. How so, pray ? said the baronet. Why continued 
the other, when I was in Wales, a pedigree of a parti- 
cular family was shown to me : it filled up above five 
large skins of parchment, and near the middle of it was 
a note in the margin — About this time the world was 
created. 

918. A gentleman having occasion to call upon Mr. 
Joseph Graham, writer, found him at home in his writ- 
ing chamber. He remarked the great heat of the apart- 
ment, and said, It was hot as an oven. So it ought, re- 
plied Mr. G., for 'tis here I make my bread. 

919. Judge Burnet, son of the famous Bishoj3 of Salis- 
bury, when young, is said to have been of a wild and 
dissipated turn. Being one day found by his father in 
a very serious humour, What is the matter with you, 
Tom? said the bishop; what are you ruminating on? 
A greater work than your Lordship's History of the Re- 
formation, answered the son. Ay! what is that? asked 
the father. The reformation of myself, my lord, replied 
the son. 

920. A facetious abbe having engaged a box at the 
opera-house at Paris, was turned out of his possession 
by a marshal of France, as remarkable for his ungentle- 
manlike behaviour as for his cowardice and meanness. 
The abbe, for his unjustifiable breach of good manners, 
brought his action in a court of honour, and solicited 
permission to be his own advocate, which was granted, 
when he pleaded to the following effect : — It is not of 



JOE miller's jests. 187 

Monsieur SufFrein, who acted so nobly in the East Indies, 
that I complain ; it is not of the Duke de Crebillon, who 
took Minorca, that I complain ; it is not of the Comte 
de Grasse, who so bravely fought Lord Rodney, that I 

complain ; but it is of Marshal , who took my box 

at the opera-house, and never took anything else. This 
most poignant stroke of satire so sensibly convinced the 
court that he had already inflicted punishment sufficient, 
that they refused to grant him a verdict — a fine compli- 
ment to the abbe's wit. 

921. Frederic, conqueror as he was, sustained a severe 
defeat at Cosliu in the war of 1755. Some time after, at 
a review, he jocosely asked a soldier, who had got a deep 
cut in his cheek, Friend, at what alehouse did you get 
that scratch ? I got it, said the soldier, at Coslin, where 
your majesty paid the reckoning. 

922. Daring an action of Admiral Rodney with the 
French, a woman assisted at one of the guns on the main 
deck, and being asked by the admiral, what she did 
there ? she replied, An't please your honour, my hus- 
band is sent down to the cockpit wounded, and I am 
here to supply his place : do you think, your honour, I 
am afraid of the French ? 

923. The celebrated Bubb Doddington was very lethar- 
gic. Falling asleep one day after dinner with Sir Rich- 
ard Temple and Lord Cobham, the general, the latter 
reproached Doddington with his drowsiness. Dodding- 
ton denied having been asleep ; and to prove he had not, 
offered to repeat all Lord Cobham had been saying. 
Cobham challenged him to do so. Doddington repeat- 
ed a story, and Lord Cobham owned he had been telling 
it. And yet, said Doddington, I did not hear a word of 
it ; but I went to sleep because I knew that about this 
time you would tell that story. 

924. When the late Duchess of Kingston wished to be 
received at the court of Berlin, she got the Russian min- 
ister there to mention her intention to his Prussian 
majesty, and to tell him at the same time, that her for- 
tune was at Rome, her bank at Venice, but that her 



188 joe miller's jests. 

heart was at Berlin. The king replied, I am sorry we 
are only intrusted with the worst part of her grace's pro- 
perty. 

925. Fletcher, Bishop of Nismes, was the son of a tal- 
low-chandler. A proud duke once endeavoured to mor- 
tify the prelate, by saying, at the levee, that he smelt of 
tallow : to which the bishop replied, My lord, I am the 
son of a chandler, it is true, and if your lordship had 
been, you would have remained so all the days of your 
life. 

926. Zimmerman, who was very eminent as a physi- 
cian, went from Hanover to attend Frederic the Great 
in his last illness. One day the king said to him, You 
have, I presume, sir, helped many a man into another 
world ? This was a rude speech, and an unpleasant pill 
for the doctor ; but the dose he gave the king in return, 
was a judicious mixture of truth and flattery : Not so 
many as your majesty, nor with so much honour to my- 
self. 

927. During the riots of 1780, most persons in Lon- 
don, in order to save their houses from being burned or 
pulled down, wrote on the outside, No Popery ! Old Gri- 
maldi, to avoid all mistakes, wrote on his, No Religion. 

928. Mr. Palmer going home, after the business of the 
theatre was concluded one evening, saw a man lying on 
the ground, with another on him beating him violently ; 
upon this he remonstrated with the uppermost, telling 
him his conduct was unfair, and that he ought to let his 
opponent get up, and have an equal chance with him. 
The fellow drolly turned up his face to Mr. Palmer, and 
drily replied, Faith, sir, if you had been at as much 
trouble to get him down as I have, you would not be for 
letting him get up so readily. 

929. A French ambassador at an audience with James 
I. conversed with such rapidity, gesticulation, and grim- 
ace, as excited the wonder and conversation of the court. 
James afterwards asked Lord Chancellor Bacon, what 
he thought of the ambassador. Sire, replied the philo- 



joe miller's jests. 189 

sopher, he appears a fine, tall, well-built man. I mean, 
interrupted the king, what do you think of his head ? is 
it equal to his employment ? Sire, answered Bacon, 
men of high stature very often resemble houses of four 
or five stories, where the upper one is always the worst 
furnished. 

930. In Mr. Fox's frolicsome days, a tradesman, who 
held his bill for two hundred pounds, called for payment. 
Charles said he could not then discharge it. How can 
that be ? said the creditor ; you have just now lying be- 
fore you bank notes to a large amount. Those, replied 
Mr. Fox, are for paying my debts of honour. The trades- 
man immediately threw his bill into the fire. Xow, sir, 
said he, mine is a debt of honour, which I cannot oblige 
you to pay. Charles, much to his honour, instantly paid 
him his full demand. 

931. The Duke d'Ossuna, being viceroy of Xaples, 
went on board a Spanish galley, on a festival, to exercise 
his right of delivering one of the wretches from punish- 
ment. On interrogating them why they were brought 
there, they all asserted their innocence but one, who con- 
fessed that his punishment was too small for his crimes. 
The duke said, Here, take away this rascal, lest he should 
corrupt all these honest men ! 

932. V — having satirized a nobleman who was power- 
ful at court, the latter sought every occasion to revenge 
himself, and challenged V — to fight him with swords, 
We are not equals, replied the poet ; you are very great, 
I am little ; you are brave, I am cowardly ; you wish to 
kill me — eh bien, I will consider myself as dead. This 
timely jest turned the anger of the nobleman into irre- 
strainable laughter, and they parted good friends. 

933. In the time of the old court, the faces of the Pa- 
risian ladies were spotted with patches like pards, and 
plastered with rouge like so many red lions of the road- 
side. Lord Chesterfield, being at Paris, was asked by 
Voltaire, if he did not think some French ladies, then in 
company, whose cheeks were fashionably tinted, very 



190 JOE MILLER'S JESTS. 

beautiful. Excuse me, said Chesterfield, from giving an 
opinion : I am really no judge of amateur painting. 

934. George II. passing through his chamber one even- 
ing, preceded by a single page, a small canvas bag of 
guineas, which he held in his hand, accidentally dropped, 
and one of them rolled under a closet door, in which 
wood was usually kept for the use of his bed-chamber. 
After the king had very deliberately picked up the 
money, he found himself deficient of a guinea ; and, 
guessing where it went, Come, said he to the page, we 
must find this guinea ; here, help me to throw out the 
wood. The page and he accordingly went to work, and 
after some time found it. Well, said the king, you have 
wrought hard, there is the guinea for your labour, but I 
would have nothing lost. 



J £> 



935. A beauish marquis waited on some ladies, m 
order to take them to the Paris Observatory, where the 
celebrated Cassini was to observe an eclipse of the sun. 
The arrival of this party had been delayed by the toilet ; 
and the eclipse was over when the petit-maitre appeared 
at the door. He was informed he had come too late, 
and that all was over. Never mind, ladies, said he, step 
up ; Monsieur Cassini is a particular friend of mine; he 
will be so obliging as to begin again for me. 

936. When Rabelais was on his death-bed, a consulta- 
tion of physicians was called. Dear gentlemen, said the 
wit to the doctors, raising his languid head, let me die a 
natural death. 

937. Dr. Busby, whose figure was beneath the com- 
mon size, was one day accosted in a public coffee-room, 
by an Irish baronet of colossal stature, with, May I pass 
to my seat, O Giant ? When the doctor, politely making 
way, replied, Pass, O Pigmy ! Oh, sir, said the baronet, 
my expression alluded to the size of your intellect. And 
my expression, sir, said the doctor, to the size of your's. 

938. An apothecary, who used to value himself on his 
knowledge of drugs, asserted that all bitter things Avere 



JOE miller's jests. 191 

hot. No, said a gentleman present, there is one of a very 

different quality — a bitter cold day. 

939. Philip, Earl Stanhope, whose dress always cor- 
responded with the simplicity of his manners, was once 
prevented from going into the House of Peers by a door- 
keeper who was unacquainted with his person. Lord 
Stanhope was resolved to get into the house without ex- 
plaining who he was ; and the door-keeper, equally de- 
termined on his part, said to him, Honest man, you have 
no business here ; honest man, you can have no business 
in this place. I believe, rejoined his lordship, you are 
right ; honest men have no business here. 

940. When the late King of Denmark was in England, 
he very frequently honoured Sir Thomas Robinson with 
his company, though the knight spoke French in a very 
imperfect manner, and the king had scarce any know- 
ledge of English. One day, when Sir Thomas was in com- 
pany with the late Lord Chesterfield, and boasted much 
of his intimacy with the king, and added, that he believ- 
ed the monarch had a greater friendship for him than any 
man in England, How report lies, exclaimed Lord Ches- 
terfield ; I heard no later than this day, that you never 
met but a great deal of bad language passed between 
you. 

941. One of the most flattering and ingenious compli- 
ments Frederick ever paid, was that which he addressed 
to the celebrated General Laudolm, at the time of his in- 
terview with the emperor at the camp of Xeiss. After 
they had discoursed for about an hour, the two monarchs 
sat down to dinner, with the princes and general officers 
in their train. Marshal Laudohn, who had been invited 
among the rest, was about to seat himself at the bottom 
of the table, but the king bade him come and sit by him, 
saying, Come here, General Laudohn ; I have always 
wished to see you on my side, instead of fronting me. 

942. Dr. "VTalcot, better known as Peter Pindar, call- 
ed one day upon a bookseller in Paternoster Row, the 
publisher of his works, by way of inquiring into the 
literary and other news of the day. After some chat, 



192 joe miller's jests. 

the doctor was asked to take a glass of wine with the 
seller of his wit and poetry. Our author consented to 
accept of a little negus as an innocent morning beverage ; 
when instantly was presented to him a cocoa-nut goblet, 
with the face of a man carved on it. Eh ! eh ! said the 
doctor, what have we here ? A man's skull, replied the 
bookseller ; a poet's for what I know. Nothing more 
likely, rejoined the facetious doctor, for it is universally 
known that all you booksellers drink your wine from our 
skulls. 

943. A gentleman who was dining with another, prais- 
ed very much the meat, and asked who was the butcher? 
His name is Addison. Addison ! echoed the guest, pray 
is he any relation to the poet ? In all probability he is, 
for he is seldom without his steel (Steele) by his side. 

944. Swift having paid a visit at Sir Arthur Acheson's 
country seat, and being, on the morning of his return to 
his deanery, detained a few minutes longer than he ex- 
pected at his breakfast, found, when he came to the door, 
his own man on horseback, and a servant of Sir Arthur's 
holding the horse he was to ride himself. He mounted, 
turned the head of his horse towards his own man, and 
asked him in a low voice if he did not think he should 
give something to the servant who held his horse, and if 
he thought live shillings w^ould be too much : No, sir, it 
will not, if you mean to do the thing handsomely, was 
the reply. The dean made no remark upon this, but 
when he paid his man's weekly account, wrote under it, 
Deducted from this, for money paid to Sir Arthur's ser- 
vant for doing your business, five shillings. 

945. Two Irish porters meeting in Dublin, one ad- 
dressed the other with, Och, Thady, my jewel, is it you ? 
Are you just come from England ! Pray did you see 
anything of our old friend, Pat Murphy ? The devil a 
sight, replied he, and what's worse, I'm afraid I never 
shall. How so ? Why, he met with a very unfortunate 
accident lately. Amazing ! What was it ? O, indeed, 
nothing more than this ; as he was standing on a plank, 
talking devoutly to a priest, at a place in London which 



joe filler's jests. 193 

I think they call the Old Bailey, the plank suddenly gave 
way, and poor Murphy got his neck broke. 

946. A Quaker from Bristol, who lately alighted at an 
inn, called for some porter, and observing, as it is now 
the fashion, the pint deficient in quantity, thus addressed 
the landlord : Pray, friend, how many butts of beer dost 
thou draw in a month ? Ten, sir, replied Boniface. 
And thou wouldst like to draw eleven if thou couldst, 
rejoined Ebenezer. Certainly, exclaimed the smiling 
landlord. Then I will tell thee how, friend, added the 
Quaker — fill thy measures. 

94 V. A man who was on the point of being married, 
obtained from his confessor his certificate of confession. 
Having read it, he observed that the priest had omitted 
the usual penance. Did you not tell me, said the con- 
fessor, that you were going to be married ? 

948. Lord Galloway was an enemy to the Bute ad- 
ministration. At the change of the ministry he came to 
London, for the first time in the late king's reign. He 
was dressed in black, in a very uncourtly style. When 
he appeared at the levee, the eyes of the company were 
turned upon him, and George Selwyn being asked who 
he was, replied, A Scotch undertaker come to bury the 
last administration. 

949. Old Astley, one evening, when his band was 
playing an overture, went up to the horn players, and 
asked why they were not playing ? They said they had 
twenty bars rest. Rest ! said he, I'll have nobody rest 
in my company; I pay you for playing, not for resting. 

950. Tom Tickle was peculiarly odd in his manner 
of drawing characters. He once sent his servant to a 
gentleman, remarkable for being always in a hurry, with 
a message of great importance ; but the servant return- 
ed, and told his master that the gentleman was in so 
great a hurry he could not speak to him. It is no more 
than what I expected, said Tom, for he loses an hour in 
the morning, and runs after it all day. 

951. As the late Chevalier Taylor was once enumer- 



194 JOE MILLEK'S JESTS. 

ating, in company, the great honours which he had re- 
ceived from the different princes of Europe, and the 
orders with which he had been dignified by numerous 
sovereigns, a gentleman present took occasion to remark, 
that he had not named the king of Prussia ; adding, I 
suppose, sir, that monarch never gave you any order ! 
You are quite mistaken, sir, replied the Chevalier ; for I 
can most positively assure you, that he gave me a very 
peremptory order — to quit his dominions. 

952. A lady of rank, dancing one evening, approached 
so near to a chandelier, that the fluttering plume of 
feathers, waving to and fro on her forehead, came in 
contact with the flame, and the whole was instantly in a 
blaze. The illumination, however, was quickly and hap- 
pily extinguished without harm ; when her husband, 
seeing the danger avoided, and the thoughtlessness of 
the act, peevishly and half angrily exclaimed, Surely, 
your ladyship must be absolutely mad ! No, no, replied 
her ladyship, only a little light-headed. 

953. A poor player, in a mixed company, undertook 
to quote a passage from Shakespeare, that should be ap- 
plicable to any remark that might be made by any per- 
son present. A forward young fellow undertook to sup- 
ply a sentence that he believed could not be answered 
from the works of the bard ; and addressing the player, 
he said, You are the most insolent pretender in the 
room. " You forget yourself," promptly replied the 
player, quoting from the quarrel-scene between Brutus 
and Cassius. 

954. At a public dinner, a gentleman observed a per- 
son who sat opposite use a toothpick which had just 
done the same service to his neighbour. Wishing to 
apprise him of his mistake, he said, I beg your pardon, 

sir, but you are using Mr. 's toothpick. I know I 

am. By the powers, sir, do you think I am not going to 
return it ! 

955. A Leicestershire farmer, who had never seen a 
silver fork, had some soup handed to him at a dinner 
lately. He found that no spoon was placed at his elbow. 



JOE miller's jests. 195 

Lifting the fork, and twirling it in his fingers for some 
time, he called the waiter, and requested him to bring a 
silver spoon wi'out ony slits in it. 

956. A sailor coming across Blackheath one evening, 
was stopped by a footpad, who demanded his money, 
when a scuffle ensued. The tar took the robber, and 
bore away with his prize to a justice of the peace at 
Woolwich. "When the magistrate came to examine into 
the assault, he told the sailor that he must take his oath 
that the robber had \mt him in bodily fear, otherwise he 
could not commit him. The sailor, looking stedfastiy at 
the justice, answered, He, — lie put me in bodily fear ! 
Xo, nor any he that ever lived ; therefore, if that is the 
case you may let him go, for I will not swear to any 
such thing. 

957. A barrister entered the hall with his wig very 
much awry, of which he was not apprised, but endured 
from almost every observer some remark on its appear- 
ance, till at last, addressing himself to Mr. Curran, he 
asked him, Do you see anything ridiculous in this wig ? 
The answer instantly was, Nothing but the head. 

958. Sterne, who used his wife very ill, was one day 
talking to Garrick in a fine sentimental manner, in praise 
of conjugal love and fidelity. The husband, said Sterne, 
who behaves unkindly to his wife, deserves to have his 
house burnt over his head. If you think so, said Gar- 
rick, I hope your house is insured. 

959. A lady after performing, Avith the most brilliant 
execution, a sonata on the pianoforte, in the presence of 
Dr. Johnson, turning to the philosopher, took the liberty 
of asking him if he was fond of music ? Xo, madam, 
replied the doctor ; but of all noises I think music is the 
least disagreeable. 

960. The Abbe Maury, who had rendered himself ob- 
noxious to the democrats, during the French revolution, 
was one night seized by the mob, who looked round for 
a lamp-post to suspend him on. Pray, my good friends, 
said the Abbe, were you to hang me to that lamp-post, 



196 joe miller's jests. 

do you think that you would see any the clearer for it ? 
This well-timed wit softened the rabble and saved his 
life. 

961. Salezzo de Pedrada praising an old lady for her 
beauty, she answered, that beauty was incompatible with 
her age. To which Salezzo replied, We say, as beautiful 
as an angel; and yet the angels are, of all creatures, the 
most ancient. 

962. A French officer quarreling with a Swiss, re- 
proached him with his country's vice of fighting on 
either side for money, while we Frenchmen, said he, 
fight for honour. Yes, sir, replied the Swiss, every one 
fights for that which he most wants. 

963. When the late Mr. Windham, the war minister, 
was upon a trip to the continent, he met with a Dutch 
clergyman, who was very eager in his inquiries as to the 
doctrines and discipline of the church of England, to 
which he received satisfactory answers; those, however, 
were succeeded by others of a more difficult nature, 
particularly as to the manner in which some English 
preachers manufacture their sermons. Upon Mr. Wind- 
ham confessing his ignorance of this subject, the Dutch- 
man, in a tone of disappointment, exclaimed, Why, then, 
I find, sir, after all the conversation we have had, that 
I have been deceived as to your profession : they told 
me you were an English minister. 

964. Dr. Savage, who died in 1747, travelled in his 
younger days with the Earl of Salisbury, to whom he 
was indebted for a considerable living in Hertfordshire. 
One day at the levee, the king (George I.) asked him 
how long he had resided at Rome with Lord Salisbury? 
Upon his telling how long, Why, said the king you 
stayed there long enough ; how is it you did not convert 
the Pope ? Because, sir, replied the - doctor, I had 
nothing better to offer him. 

965. On the Scotch circuits, the judges gave dinners, 
having an allowance for that purpose. The great Lord 
Karnes was extremely parsimonious ; and, at a circuit 



joe miller's jests. 197 

dinner at Perth, did not allow claret, as had been the 
custom. The conversation turned on Sir Charles Hardy's 
fleet, which was then blockaded by the French ; and one 
of the company asked what had become of our fleet. 
Mr. Henry Erskine answered, Confined, like us, to port. 



M. Lalande, the French astronomer, during the 
whole time of the revolution, confined himself to the 
study of that science. When he found that he had 
escaped the fury of Robespierre, he jocosely said, I may 
thank my stars for it. 

967. After Dr. Johnson had been honoured with an 
interview with the king, in the queen's library at Buck- 
ingham House, he was interrogated by a friend concern- 
ing his reception, and his opinion of the royal intellect. 
His majesty, replied the doctor, seems to be possessed of 
much good-nature and much curiosity, and is far from 
contemptible. His majesty, indeed, was multifarious in 
his questions, but he answered them all himself. 

968. A common councilman was hoaxed into an opin- 
ion, that, as a representative of the citizens, he was en- 
titled to ride through the turnpikes free of expense. He 
next day mounted his nag,* to ascertain his civic privi- 
leges ; and asked at the turnpike at the Dog-row, in 
Mile-end road, if, as a common councilman, he had not a 
right to pass without payment ? Yes, replied the turn- 
pike man archly, you may pass yourself, but you must pay 
for your horse. 

969. There was a lady of the west country, that gave 
a great entertainment at her house, to most of the 
gallant ' gentlemen thereabout, and, among others, Sir 
Walter Raleigh. This lady, though otherwise a stately 
dame, was a notable good housewife ; and in the morn- 
ing betimes she called to one of her maids that looked to 
the swine, and asked, Are the pigs served ? Sir Walter 
Raleigh's chamber was close to the lady's. Before din- 
ner the lady came down in great state into the assem- 
bling-room, which was full of gentlemen, and as soon as 
Sir Walter cast his eyes upon her, Madam, are the pigs 



198 joe miller's jests. 

served ? The lady answered, You know best whether 
you have had your breakfast. 

970. Joseph II. Emperor of Germany, travelling in 
his usual way, without his retinue, attended by only a 
single aide-de-camp, arrived very late at the house of an 
Englishman, who kept an inn in the Netherlands. It 
being fair time, and the house rather crowded, the host, 
ignorant of his guest's quality, appointed them to sleep 
in an out-house, which they readily complied with ; and, 
after eating a few slices of ham and biscuit, retired to 
rest, and in the morning paid their bill, which amounted 
to only 3s. GcL English, and rode off. A few hours after- 
wards, several of his suite coming to inquire after him, 
and the publican understanding the rank of his guest, ap- 
peared very uneasy. Psha ! psha ! man, said one of the 
attendants, Joseph is accustomed to such adventures, and 
will think no more of it. But I shall, replied the land- 
lord ; for I can never forget the circumstance, nor forgive 
myself neither, for having had an emperor in my house, 
and letting him off for 3s. 6d. 

971. Some years ago, says Richardson, in his Anec- 
dotes of Painting, a gentleman came to me to invite me 
to his house : I have, said h'e, a picture of Rubens, and 
it is a rare good one. There is little H. the other day 
came to see it, and said it was a copy. If any one says 
so again, I'll break his head. Pray, Mr. Richardson, 
will you do me the favour to come, and give me your real 
opinion of it ? 

972. A chimney-sweep having descended a wrong 
chimney, made his sudden appearance in a room where 
two men, one named Butler and the other Cook, were 
enjoying themselves over a pot of beer. How now, 
cried the former, what news from the other world ? 
The sweep perceiving his mistake, and recollecting the 
persons, very smartly replied, I came to inform you that 
we are very much in want of a Butler and Cook. 

973. One of the Dover stages, on its way to London, 
was stopped by a single highwayman, who was informed 
by the coachman there were no inside passengers, and 



JOE MILLER'S jests. 199 

only one in the basket, and he was a sailor. The robber 
then proceeded to exercise his employment on the tar ; 
when waking him ont of his sleep Jack demanded what 
he wanted ; to which the son of plunder replied, Your 
money. You shan't have it, said Jack. Xo ! replied the 
robber, then I'll blow your brains out. Blow away then, 
you land-lubber, cried Jack, squirting the tobacco-juice 
out of his mouth, I may as well go to London without 
brains as without money ; drive on, coachman. 

974. After a loud preface of O yes, pronounced most 
audibly three times, in the High Street, Xewmarket, the 
late Lord Barrymore, having collected a number of per- 
sons together, made the following general proposal to 
the gapers, Who wants to buy a horse that can walk five 
miles an hour, trot sixteen, and gallop twenty ? I do, 
said a gentleman, with manifest eagerness. Then, re- 
plied Lord Barrymore, If I see any such animal to be 
sold, I will be sure to let you know. 

975. The Duke of Longueville's reply, when it was 
observed to him that the gentlemen bordering on his es- 
tates were continually hunting upon them, and that he 
ought not to suffer it, is worthy of imitation : I had much 
rather, answered the duke, have friends than hares. 

976. A gentleman was once praising the style of Swift 
before Johnson : the doctor did not find himself in the 
humour to agree with him ; the critic was driven from 
one of his performances to another. At length, you must 
allow me, said the gentleman, that there are strong facts 
in the account of the " Four last years of Queen Anne." 
Yes, surely, replied Johnson, and so there always are in 
the Xewgate Calendar. 

977. Johnson made Goldsmith a comical answer one 
day, when he was repining at the success of Beattie's 
Essay on Truth. Here is such a stir, said he, about a 
fellow that has written one book, and I have written 
many. Ah, doctor, said his friend, there go two and 
forty sixpences, you know, to one guinea. 

978. A finished coquette, at a ball, asked a gentleman 



200 JOE miller's jests. 

near her, while she adjusted her tucker, whether he could 
flirt a fan, w^hich she held in her hand. No, madam, an- 
swered he, proceeding to use it, but I can fan a flirt. 

979. A notorious thief, being to be tried for his life, 
confessed the robbery he was charged with. The judge 
hereupon directed the jury to find him guilty on his own 
confession. The jury having laid their heads together, 
brought him in Not guilty. The judge bid them con- 
sider of it again ; but still they brought in their verdict 
Not guilty. The judge asked the reason. The foreman 
replied, There is reason enough, for we all know him to 
be one of the greatest liars in the world. 

980. A notorious culprit, who suffered some years since 
at Salisbury, and the last of three brothers who had been 
executed for similar offences, after sentence was passed, 
said, My lord, I humbly thank you. His lordship, aston- 
ished, asked him for what ? Because, my lord, I thought 
I should have been hung in chains, which would have 
been a disgrace to the family. 

981. Dean Jackson, passing one morning through 
Christchurch quadrangle, met some undergraduates, who 
walked along without capping. The dean called one of 
them, and asked, Do you know who I am? No, sir. 
How long have you been in college? Eight days, sir. 
Oh, very well, said the dean, walking away, puppies 
don't open their eyes till the ninth day. 

982. A little lawyer appearing as evidence in one of 
the courts, was asked by a gigantic counsellor, what pro- 
fession he was of; and having replied that he was an at- 
torney — You a lawyer ! said Brief, why I could put you 
in my pocket. Very likely you may, rejoined the other, 
and if you do, you will have more law in your pocket 
than ever you had in your head. 

983. When George Bidder, the calculating phenome- 
non, was a very little boy, he made the tour of England 
with his father, displaying everywhere his astonishing 
power of combining and resolving numbers. Among 
several very ingenious and difficult questions prepared 



JOE MILLER'S jests. 201 

purposely for him, an ignorant pedagogue asked (with- 
out furnishing any data), How many cow's tails would 
reach to the moon ? The boy, turning upon the inquirer 
an eye of considerable archness, answered instantly, 
One, if it w r ere long enough. 

984. Mr. Moore having been long under a prosecution 
in Doctors Commons, his proctor called on him one day 
whilst he was composing the tragedy of the Gamester. 
The proctor having sat down, he read him four acts of 
the piece, being all he had written, by which the man of 
law was so much affected, that he exclaimed, Good God ! 
can you add to this couple's distress in the last act ? 
Oh, very easily, said the poet, I intend to put them in the 
Ecclesiastical Court. 

985. Xed Shuter w T as often very poor, and being still 
more negligent than poor, was careless about his dress. 
A friend overtaking him one day in the street, said to 
him, Why, Xed, are you not ashamed to walk the 
streets witli twenty holes in your stockings ? why don't 
you get them mended ? No, my friend, said Xed, I am 
above it ; and if you have the pride of a gentleman, you 
will act like me, and walk with twenty holes rather than 
have one darn. How, replied the other, how do you make 
that out ? Why, replied Xed, a hole is the accident of 
the day ; but a darn is premeditated poverty. 

986. The witty Lord Ross, having spent all his money 
in London, set out for Ireland, in order to recruit his 
purse. On his way, he happened to meet with Sir Mur- 
rough O'Brien, driving towards Dublin in a lofty phaeton 
with six prime dun-coloured horses. Sir Murrough, ex- 
claimed his lordship, what a contrast there is between 
you and me ! you are driving your duns before you, but 
my duns are driving me before them. 

987. The high-bailiff of Birmingham, attended by some 
officers of the town, goes round on a market-day to ex- 
amine the weight of the butter, and they seize all which 
is found short of sixteen ounces. A countryman, wmo 
generally stood in a particular place, haying on a former 
market-day lost two pounds of butter, w r as seen, the next 



202 m joe miller's jests. 

time they came round, to laugh heartily, while the offi- 
cers were taking a considerable quantity from a woman 
who stood near him. One of the officers, not pleased 
with the fellow's want of decorum, particularly in the 
presence of men vested with such high authority, said, 
What do you mean by laughing, fellow ? I took two 
pounds from you last week. I'll lay you a guinea of it, 
said the countryman. Done, replied the officer ; and im- 
mediately put a guinea into the hands of a respectable 
tradesman, who was standing at his own door. The 
countryman instantly covered it ; and then, with a tri- 
umphant grin, said, Well done, thickhead, if it had been 
two pounds would you have taken it from me ? Was it 
not for being short of weight that I lost it ? The umpire 
without hesitation decided it in his favour, to the great 
mortification of the humble administrator of justice. 

988. An Irishman, some years ago, attending the Uni- 
versity of Edinburgh, waited upon one of the most cele- 
brated teachers of the German flute, desiring to know on 
what terms he would give him a few lessons : the flute- 
player informed him, that he generally charged two 
guineas for the first month, and one guinea for the second. 
Then, by my soul, replied the Hibernian, I'll begin the 
second month ! 

989. Foote being at table next to a gentleman who had 
helped himself to a very large piece of bread ; he took it 
up and cut a piece off. Sir, said the gentleman, that is 
my bread. I beg a thousand pardons, sir, said Foote, I 
protest I took it for the loaf. 

990. The Marquis della Scalas, an Italian nobleman, 
having invited the neighbouring gentry to a grand enter- 
tainment, where all the delicacies of the season were pro- 
vided, some of the company arrived very early, for the 
purpose of paying their respects to his excellency : soon 
after which, the major-domo, entering the dining-room in 
a great hurry, told the marquis that there was a fisher- 
man below, who had brought one of the finest fish in all 
Italy, for which, however, he demanded a most extrava- 
gant price. Regard not his price, cried the marquis ; 



joe miller's jests. 203 

pay him the money directly. So I would, please your 
highness, but he refuses to take any money. What, then, 
would the fellow have ? A hundred strokes of the strap- 
pado on his bare shoulders, my lord ; he says he will not 
bate a single blow. On this, the whole company ran 
down stairs, to see so singular a man. A fine fish ! cried 
the marquis ; what is your demand, my friend ? Xot a 
qua trim, my lord, answered the fisherman ; I will not 
take money : if your lordship wishes to have the fish, you 
must order me a hundred lashes of the strappado on my 
naked back; otherwise I shall apply elsewhere. Rather 
than lose the fish, said the marquis, we must e'en let this 
fellow have his humour. Here ! cried he to one of his 
grooms, discharge this honest man's demands : but don't 
lay on too hard ; don't hurt the poor devil very much ! 
The fisherman then stripped, and the groom prepared to 
execute his lordship's orders. Xow, my friend, said the 
fisherman, keep an exact account, I beseech you ; for I 
don't desire a single stroke more than my due. The 
whole company were astonished at the amazing fortitude 
with which the man submitted to the operation, till he 
had received the fiftieth lash ; when, addressing himself 
to the servant, Hold, my friend, cried the fisherman ; I 
have now had my full share of the price. Your share ? 
exclaimed the marquis ; what is the meaning of all this ? 
My lord, returned the fisherman, I have a partner, to 
whom my honour is engaged, that he shall have his full 
half of whatever I receive for the fish ; and your lordship, 
I dare venture to say, will by and by own that it would 
be a thousand pities to defraud him of a single stroke. 
And pray, honest friend, said the marquis, who is this 
partner ? Your porter, my lord, answered the fisherman, 
who keeps the outer gate of the palace, and refused to 
admit me, unless I would promise him half what I should 
obtain for the fish. Ho ! ho ! exclaimed the marquis, 
laughing very heartily, by the blessing of heaven, he shall 
have double his demand in full! The porter was accord- 
ingly sent for ; and being stripped to the skin, two grooms 
were directed to lay on with all their might till he had 
fairly received what he was so well entitled to. The 



204 joe miller's jests. 

marquis then ordered his steward to pay the fisherman 
twenty sequins ; desiring him to call annually for the like 
sum, as a recompense for the friendly service he had ren- 
dered him. 

991. Mr. Pope being one night crossing the street from 
Button's coffee-house, when the moon occasionally peeped 
through a cloud, was accosted by a link-boy with, Light, 
your honour ! light, your honour ! He repeatedly ex- 
claimed, I do not want you. But the lad still following 
him, he peevishly cried out, Get about your business : 
God mend me ! I will not give you a farthing ; it's light 
enough. It's light enough, echoed the lad, what's light 
enough? your head or your pocket? God mend you, 
indeed ! it would be easier to make two men, than mend 
one such as you. 

992. A fellow, w r alking down Holborn Hill on a sultry 
summer evening, observed an old gentleman, without his 
hat, panting and leaning upon a post, and courteously 
asked him what was the matter ? Sir, said the old man, 
an impudent puppy has just snatched my hat off, and run 
away with it: I have run after him until I have quite lost 
my breath, and cannot, if my life depended on it, go a 
step farther. What, not a step ? said the fellow. Not a 
step, returned he. Why then, by Jupiter, I must have 
your wig ; and snatching off his fine flowing caxon, the 
thief was out of sight in a minute. 

993. Two tars, just landed, w r ent to see an old ac- 
quaintance, who kept what they humorously called a 
grog-shop, in a village near Portsmouth, the sign of the 
Angel. On their entering the place, they stared about 
for the wished-for sign. There it is ! said one. Why, 
you fool, replied the other, that's a ])eacock. Who do 
you call fool? retorted Ben; how the devil should I 
know the difference, when I never saw an angel in my 
life? 

994. The late Colonel O'Kelly, well known to all the 
lovers of the turf, having, at a Newmarket meeting, pro- 
posed a considerable wager to a gentleman who, it seems, 
had no knowledge of him ; the stranger, suspecting the 



joe miller's jests. 205 

challenge came from one of the black-legged fraternity, 
begged to know what security he would give for so large 
a sum if he should lose, and where his estates lay. O ! 
the dear craters, I haA~e the map of them about me, and 
here it is, sure enough, said O'Kelly, pulling out a pock- 
et-book, and giving unequivocal proofs of his property, 
by producing bank-notes to a considerable amount. 

995. After a successful attack on the royal party in 
1745, a Higlander gained a watch as his share of the 
plunder. Unacquainted with its use, he listened with 
equal surprise and pleasure to the ticking sound with 
which his new acquisition amused him ; after a few hours, 
however, the watch was down, the noi.se ceased, and the 
dispirited owner, looking on the toy no longer with sat- 
isfaction, determined to conceal the misfortune which had 
befallen it, and to dispose of it to the first person who 
should offer him a trifle in exchange. He soon met with 
a customer, but at parting he could not help exclaiming, 
Why, she died last night. 

996. When Mr. Penn, the proprietor of Pennsylvania, 
and the most considerable man among the Quakers, went 
to court to pay his respects to Charles II., that merry 
monarch, observing the Quaker not to lower his beaver, 
took off his own hat, and stood uncovered before Penn, 
who said, Prithee, friend Charles, put on thy hat. Xo, 
friend Penn, said the king, it is usual for only one man to 
stand covered here. 

997. A person had been relating many incredible sto- 
ries when Professor Engel, who was present, in order to 
repress his impertinence, said, But, gentlemen, all this 
amounts to but very little, when I can assure you that 
the celebrated organist, Abbe Yogler, once imitated a 
thunder-storm so well, that for miles round all the milk 
turned sour. 

998. The late Bishop of Worcester, Dr. Hough, was 
remarkable for sweetness of temper, as well as every 
other christian virtue ; of which the following story af- 
fords a proof: — A young gentleman, whose family had 
been well acquainted with the bishop, in making the tour 



206 joe miller's jests. 

of England before he went abroad, called to pay his re- 
spects to his lordship as he passed by his seat in the 
country. It happened to be at dinner time, and the 
room full of company. The bishop, however, received 
him with much familiarity ; but the servant in reaching 
him a chair, threw down a curious weather-glass that 
had cost twenty guineas, and broke it. The gentleman 
was under infinite concern, and began to make an apolo- 
gy for being himself the occasion of the accident, when 
the bishop with great good nature interrupted him. Be 
under no concern, sir, said his lordship, smiling, for I am 
much beholden to you for it : we have had a very dry 
season ; and now I hope we shall have rain, as I never 
saw the glass so low in my life. Every one was pleased 
with the humour and pleasantry of the turn. 

999. Dr. Johnson was observed by a musical friend of 
his to be extremely inattentive at a concert, whilst a cele- 
brated solo player was running up the divisions and sub- 
divisions of notes upon his violin. His friend, to induce 
him to take greater notice of what was going on, told 
him how extremely difficult it Avas. Difficult, is it, sir ! 
replied the doctor ; I wish it were impossible. 

1000. An American general was once in company 
where there were some few Scotch. After supper, when 
the wine was served up, the general rose and addressed 
the company in the following words : — Gentlemen, I must 
inform you, that when I get a little groggish, I have an 
absurd custom of railing against the Scotch ; I hope no 
gentleman in company will take it amiss. With this he 
sat down. Up started M , a Scotch officer, and with- 
out seeming the least displeased, said, Gentlemen, I, when 
I am a little groggish, and hear any person railing against 
the Scotch, have an absurd custom of kicking him out 
of the company ; I hope no gentleman will take it amiss. 
It is hardly necessary to add, that, that night, he had no 
occasion to exert his talents. 

1001. The father of a late Lord Hardwicke was hanged 
for forgery. When Lord H. sat as chancellor, an old 
countryman was examined as to a particular fact, the 



jos millek's jests. 207 

exact date of which he could not recollect. All that I 
remember about it, said he, is, that it happened on the 
day old Yorke was hanged. 

1002. A theatrical lady, celebrated for everything but 
continence, at length resolved to marry and reform. Her 
conduct was duly canvassed in the dressing-rooms of 
the theatres. I am told, cried one, that she confessed to 
her liege lord all her amours. What a proof of courage ! 
exclaimed one lady. What an extraordinary instance 
of candour! said another. What an amazing instance 
of memory ! cried a third. 

1003. Elliston had many friends and some relations in 
the church. Visiting one of the latter, who had some 
occasion to call upon his clerk, who was also the town 
crier, Elliston accompanied his friend ; the crier was 
from home, and whilst the reverend gentleman explained 
to the man's wife the nature of his visit, Elliston looked 
over two or three things that had been left to be cried 
that evening, amongst others, one was of a dog lost, who, 
amid his peculiar spots and blemishes, had " sore eyes ; " 
Elliston always alive for a joke, altered the word sore to 
four. The crier came home, took up the several notices 
and commenced his round, enunciating in sonorous tones, 
Lost a black and tan coloured terrier, and answers to the 
name of Carlo ; has two black legs and four eyes. You 
vagabond, cried the traveller to whom the dog belonged, 
how do you think I shall ever get my dog, if you de- 
scribe it in that way ? The crier maintained that it was 
according to the original, and, upon examination, it was 
evident the paper had been tampered with. Home went 
the crier, boiling with indignation ; his wife had informed 
him of the call of his reverend employer, but had said 
nothing about his companion, and therefore no doubt re- 
mained on the clerk's mind, that his reverend master 
himself had played the trick. He awaited patiently until 
Sunday for his revenge, and before he took his seat in the 
clerk's pew, removed the book of St. John from the New 
Testament. The clergyman gave out the lesson, as the 
2nd chapter of St. John, (the clerk had previously known 
it was to be selected from thence,) and then began to 



208 joe miller's jests. 

look in vain for the book in question ; at last he whis- 
pered to the clerk, What has become of St. John ? He 
can't come, was the reply, he has got sore eyes. 

1004. Dr. Carpue always gave it as his opinion, that 
Mathews, the comedian, had experienced improper treat- 
ment at the time of his accident, and that had he been in 
judicious hands, he would not have been lame. Some 
one speaking upon this subject to R — , said, I understand 
Mathews means to leave his broken leg to Carpue when 
he dies. The devil he does ! said R — ; well, for my part, 
I should be sorry to have such a leg-as-he (legacy). 

1005. The Bishop of Ermeland los-t a great portion of 
his revenues, in consequence of the occupation of part of 
Poland by the King of Prussia. Soon after this event, 
in the year 1773, he waited on his majesty at Potsdam; 
when the king asked him, if he could, after what had 
happened, still have any friendship for him ? Sire ! said 
the prelate, I shall never forget my duty, as a good sub- 
ject, to my sovereign. I am, replied the king, still your 
very good friend, and likewise presume much on your 
friendship towards me ; for, should St. Peter refuse my 
entrance into Paradise, I hope you will have the good- 
ness to hide me under your mantle, and take me in along 
with you. Sire! returned the bishop, that. will, I fear, 
scarcely be possible : your majesty has cut it too short 
to admit of my carrying any contraband goods beneath it. 

1006. A gentle sprinkle of rain happening, a plough- 
boy left his work and went home ; but his master seeing 
him there, told him that he should not have left his work 
for so trifling an affair, and begged for the future he 
would stay until it rained downright. A day or two af- 
terwards proving a very rainy day, the boy stayed till 
dusk, and being almost drowned, his master asked him 
why he did not come home before ? Why I should, said 
the boy, but you zed I shoti'dn't come home vore it rained 
downright; and it has not rained downright yet, for it 
was aslaunt all daylong. 

1007. A lady desired her butler to be saving of an ex- 
cellent tun of small beer, and asked him how it might 



JOE iXILLEPv's JESTS. 209 

best be preserved. I know of no method so effectual, 
my lady, said the butler, as placing a barrel of good ale 
bv it. 

1008. A humorous fellow being subpoenaed as a wit- 
ness on a trial for an assault, one of the counsel, who had 
been notorious for brow-beating witnesses, asked him 
what distance he was from the parties when the assault 
happened ; he answered, Just four feet fiye inches and a 
half. How come you to be so very exact, fellow ? said 
the counsel. Because I expected some fool or other 
would ask me, said he, and so I measured it. 

1009. Francis I. of France, being told the people made 
very free with his character in their songs, answered, It 
would be hard indeed not to allow them a song for their 
money. 

1010. An honest Hibernian, whose bank-pocket (to use 
his own phrase) had stopped payment, was forced to the 
sad necessity of perambulating the streets of Edinburgh 
two nights together for want of a few pence to pay his 
lodgings, when accidentally hearing a person talk of the 
Lying-in Hospital, he exclaimed, That's the place for me ! 
"Where is it, honey ? for I've been lying out these two 
nights past. 

1011. A painter was employed in painting a West In- 
dia ship in the river, suspended on a stage under the ship's 
stern. The captain, who had just got into the boat along- 
side, for the purpose of going ashore, ordered the boy to 
let go the painter (the rope which makes fast the boat) : 
the boy instantly went aft, and let go the rope by which 
the painter's stage was held. The captain, surprised at 
the boy's delay, cried out, Heigh-ho, there, you lazy lub- 
ber, why don't you let go the painter ? The boy replied, 
He's gone, sir, pots and all. 

1012. A young man, boasting of his health and consti- 
tutional stamina, in the hearing of TTewitzer, the player, 
was asked to what he chiefly attributed so great a hap- 
piness. To what, sir ? to laying in a good foundation, to 
be sure. I make a point, sir, to eat a great deal eyery 



210 JOE miller's jests. 

morning. Then I presume, sir, remarked Wewitzer, you 
usually breakfast in a timber-yard. 

1013. A captain in the navy, meeting a friend as he 
landed at Portsmouth, boasted that he had left his whole 
ship's company the happiest fellows in the world. How 
so ? asked his friend. Why I have just flogged seven- 
teen, and they are happy it is over ; and all the rest are 
happy that they have escaped. 

1014. A witness was called upon to testify concerning 
the reputation of another witness for veracity. Why, 
said he, I hardly know what to tell you : M some- 
times jests and jokes, and then I don't believe him; but 
when he undertakes to tell anything for a fact, I believe 
him as much as I do the rest of my neighbours. 

1015. An Irish journal announced the accouchement of 
her grace the Duke of Dorset. Next day it was thus 
corrected : For " her grace the Duke of Dorset," read 
" his grace the Duchess of Dorset." 

1016. One evening, Tom Sheridan, after sitting with 
his father over a bottle, was complaining of the empti- 
ness of his pocket. The right honourable manager told 
him jocularly, to go on the highway. I have tried that 
already, said he, but without success. Ah ! how ? re- 
plied the father. Why, resumed he, I stopped a caravan 
full of passengers, who assured me they had not a farthing, 
as they all belonged to Drury Lane Theatre, and could 
not get a penny of their salary. 

1017. A man meeting his friend, said, I spoke to you 
last night in a dream. Pardon me, replied the other, I 
did not hear you. 

1018. An eccentric barber, some years ago, opened a 
shop under the walls of the King's Bench prison. The 
windows being broken when he opened the house he 
mended them with paper, on which appeared — ' Shave 
for a penny,' with the usual invitation to customers ; and 
over the door was scrawled these lines : 

Here lives Jemmy Wright, 

Shaves as well as any man in England, 

Almost — not quite. 



joe miller's jests. 211 

Foote (who loved anything eccentric) saw these inscrip- 
tions, and hoping to extract some wit from the author, 
whom he justly concluded to be an odd character, pulled 
off his hat, and thrusting his head through one of the 
paper panes into the shop, called out, Is Jemmy Wright 
at home ? The barber immediately forced his own head 
through another pane into the street, and replied, No, 
sir, he has just popped out. Foote laughed heartily, 
and gave the man a guinea. 

1019. A fellow had to cross a river, and entered the 
boat on horseback ; being asked the cause, he replied, I 
must ride, because I am in a hurry. 

1020. Pray, Mr. Abernethy, what is the cure for gout ? 
asked an indolent and luxurious citizen. Live upon six- 
pence a day, and earn it ! was the pithy answer. 

1021. Dr. Boldero, of Jesus College, had been treated 
with great severity by the protectorate for his attach- 
ment to the royal cause, as was also Herring, at that time 
Bishop of Ely, and in whose gift the mastership of Jesus 
College is vested. On a vacancy of the mastership oc- 
curring, Boldero, without any pretensions to the appoint- 
ment, presented a petition to the bishop. Who arc you ? 
said his lordship, I know nothing of you ! I never heard 
of you before ! My lord, replied Boldero, I have suf- 
fered long and severely for my attachment to my royal 
master, as well as your lordship, and I believe your lord- 
ship and I have been in all the gaols in England. What 
does the fellow mean ! exclaimed the bishop ; Man ! I 
never was confined in any prison but the Tower ! And, 
my lord, said Boldero, I have been in all the rest myself! 
The bishop's heart was melted at this reply, and he 
granted Boldero's petition. 

1022. The witty and licentious Earl of Rochester 
meeting with the great Isaac Barrow in the park, told 
his companions that he would have some fun with the 
rusty old put. Accordingly, he went up with great 
gravity, and, taking off his hat, made the doctor a pro- 
found bow, saying, Doctor, I am yours to my shoe-tie. 
The doctor, seeing his drift, immediately pulled off his 



212 joe miller's jests. 

beaver, and returned the bow, with My lord, I am yours 
to the ground. Rochester followed up his salutation by 
a deeper bow, saying, Doctor, I am yours to the centre. 
Barrow, with a lowly obeisance, replied, My lord, I am 
yours to the Antipodes. His lordship, nearly gravelled, 
exclaimed, Doctor, I am yours to the lowest pit of hell. 
There, my lord, said Barrow, sarcastically, I leave you ; 
and walked off. 

1023. The following anecdote is related of the great 
Duke of Marlborough. The duchess was pressing the 
duke to take a medicine ; and, with her usual warmth, 
said, I'll be hanged if it do not prove serviceable. Dr. 
Garth, who was present, exclaimed, Do take it then, my 
lord duke ; for it must be of service, in one way or the 
other. 

1024. Cardinal de Bernis, when only an Abbe, solicit- 
ed Cardinal Fleury, then fourscore, for some preferment. 
Fleury told him fairly, he should never have anything in 
his time. Bernis replied, Monseigneur, f attenclrai [My 
lord, I shall wait]. 

1025. Mr. Suckling, a clergyman of Norfolk, having a 
quarrel with a neighbouring gentleman, who insulted 
him, and at last told him, his gown was his protection. 
The doctor replied, It may be mine, but it shall not be 
yours ; and pulling it off, thrashed the aggressor. 

102G. In some parish churches it was the custom to 
separate the men from the women. A clergyman, being 
interrupted by loud talking, stopped short, when a 
woman, eager for the honour of the sex, arose and said, 
Your reverence, it is not among us. So much the better, 
answered the priest ; it will be over the sooner. 

1027. The evening before a battle, an officer came to 
ask Marshal Toiras for permission to go and see his 
father, who was at the point of death. Go, said the gen- 
eral, who saw through the pretext ; thou shalt honour 
thy father and thy mother, that thy days may be long 
upon the earth. 

1028. A French gentleman, being married a second 



joe miller's jests. 213 

time, was often lamenting his first wife before his second, 
who one day, said to him, Monsieur, je vous assure qxCil 
n^y a per sonne qui la regrette plus que moi [I assure you, 
sir, no one regrets her more than I do]. 

1029. A methodist in America, bragging how well 
he had instructed some Indians in religion, called up 
one of them, and, after some questions, asked him if he 
had not found great comfort last Sunday, after receiving 
the sacrament. Ay, master, replied the savage, but I 
wished it had been brandy. 

1030. Towards the close of the reign of George the 
Second, the beautiful Countess of Coventry talking to 
his majesty about shows, and thinking only of the figure 
she herself would make in a procession, told him, the 
sight she wished most to see Avas a coronation. 

1031. William, Duke of Cumberland, gave promises 
of talents that were never accomplished. One day he 
had given some offence to his royal mother, and was 
remanded to the confinement of his chamber. After 
what the queen thought a sufficient duration of his pun- 
ishment, she sent for him. He returned in a very sullen 
humour. What have you been doing? said the queen. 
Reading. What book? The Xew Testament. Very 
well : what part ? Where it is said, Woman, why 
troublest thou me ? 

1032. A vicar and curate of a village, where there 
was to be a burial, were at variance. The vicar not 
coming in time, the curate began the service, and was 
reading the words, " I am the resurrection," when the 
vicar arrived, almost out of breath, and, snatching the 
book out of the curate's hands, with great scorn, cried, 
You the resurrection ! " I am the resurrection" — and 
then went on. 

1033. A French officer being just arrived at the court 
of Vienna, and the empress hearing that he had the day 
before been in company with a great lady, asked him if 
it were true that she was the most handsome princess of 
her time? The officer answered, with great gallantry, 
Madam, I thought so yesterday. 



214 joe miller's jests. 

1034. The s}jretce injuria for mm is the greatest with a 
woman. A man of rank, hearing that two of his female 
relations had quarrelled, asked, Did they call each other 
ugly ? No. Well, well ; I shall soon reconcile them. 

1035. Wit, or even what the French term esprit, 
seems little compatible with feeling. Fontenelle was a 
great egotist, and thought of nothing but himself. One 
of his old acquaintances went one day to see him at his 
country house, and said he had come to eat a bit of din- 
ner. What shall we have ? Do you like asparagus ? 
said Fontenelle. If you please ; but with oil. Oil ! I 
prefer them with sauce. But sauce disagrees with me, 
replied the guest. Well, well, we will have them with 
oil. Fontenelle then went out to give his orders ; but 
on his return, found his poor acquaintance dead of an 
apoplexy. Running to the head of the stairs, he called 
out, Cook ! dress the 'sparagus with sauce. 

1036. An ignorant soldier at Quebec, observing some 
of his comrades stay behind him at church, asked them, 
on their coming out, what was the reason ? They told 
him, jeeringly, that the parson had treated them with 
some wine. Xo other liquor ? said the fellow. Seeing 
he swallowed the bait, they answered, that he might 
have what liquor he chose. Next Sunday he stayed to 
have his share ; and when the clergyman offered him the 
wine, he put up his hand to his head, in token of saluta- 
tion, and said modestly, Please your reverence, I should 
prefer punch. 

1037. A French peer, a man of wit, was making his 
testament : he had remembered all his domestics, except 
his steward ; I shall leave him nothing, said he, because 
he has served me these twenty years. 

1038. A president of the parliament of Paris asked 
Langlois, the advocate, why he so often burdened himself 
with bad causes ? My lord, answered the advocate, I 
have lost so many good ones, that I am puzzled which to 
take. 

1039. Mr. Pitt's plan, when he had the gout, was to 



joe miller's jests. 215 

have no fire in his room, but to load himself with bed- 
clothes. At his house at Hayes he slept in a long room, 
at one end of which was his bed, and his lady's at the 
other. His way was, when he thought the Duke of 
Xewcastle had fallen into any mistake, to send for him, 
and read him a lecture. The duke was sent for once, 
and came, when Mr. Pitt .was confined to bed by the gout. 
There was, as usual, no fire in the room ; the day was 
very chilly, and the duke, as usual, afraid of catching 
cold. The duke first sat down on Mrs. Pitt's bed as the 
warmest place ; then drew up his legs into it, as he got 
colder. The lecture unluckily continuing a considerable 
time, the duke at length fairly lodged himself under Mrs. 
Pitt's bed-clothes. A person, (who related the story to 
Horace Walpole,) suddenly going in, saw the two min- 
isters in bed, at the two ends of the room ; while Pitt's 
long nose, and black beard unshavedfor some days, add- 
ed to the grotesqueness of the scene. 

1040. The Duke of Orleans, the regent, had four 
daughters, distinguished by the names of the Four Car- 
dinal Sins. A wag wrote on their mother's tomb, Cy 
gist V Oisivete, [Here lies Idleness,] which, you know, is 
termed the mother of all the vices. 

1041. Sir T. Robinson was a tall, uncouth man, and 
his stature was often rendered still more remarkable by 
his hunting dress, and postillion's cap, a tight green 
jacket, and buckskin breeches. He was liable to sudden 
whims ; and once set off on a sudden, in his hunting suit, 
to visit his sister, who was married and settled at Paris. 
— He arrived while there was a large company at dinner. 
The servant announced M. Robinson, and he came in, to 
the great amazement of the guests. Among others, a 
French abbe thrice lifted his fork to his mouth, and 
thrice laid it down, with an eager stare of surprise. 
Unable to restrain his curiosity any longer, he burst out 
with, Excuse me, sir, are you the famous Robinson 
Crusoe so remarkable in history ? 

1042. General Sutton, brother of Sir Robert Sutton, 
was very passionate : Sir Robert Walpole the reverse. 



216 joe miller's jests. 

Sutton being one day with Sir Robert, while his valet 
de chambre was shaving him, Sir Robert said, John, 
you cut me ; — and then went on with the conversation. 
Presently, he said again, John, you cut me — and a third 
time — when Sutton starting up in a rage, and doubling 
his fist at the servant, swore a great oath, and said, If 
Sir Robert can bear it, I cannot, and if you cut him 
once more, I'll knock you down. 

1043. We read more of pearls than of diamonds in 
ancient authors. The ancients had not skill enough to 
make the most of diamonds ; and the art of engraving 
on them is not older than the sixteenth century. The 
most remarkable of modern pearls is that in the Spanish 
treasury, called The Pilgrim. It Avas in the possession 
of a merchant, who had paid for it 100,000 crowns. 
When he went to offer it for sale to Philip IV. the king 
said, How could you venture to give so much for a 
pearl? The merchant replied, I knew there was a king 
of Spain in the world. Philip, pleased with the flat- 
tery, ordered him his own price. 

1044. Mr. Pennant, the ingenious and pleasing histo- 
rian, had many peculiarities and eccentricities in his 
private character, among the latter may be classed his 
singular antipathy to a wig — which, however, he can 
suppress, till reason yields a little to wine. But when 
this is the case, off goes the wig next to him, and into 
the fire ! — Dining once at Chester with an officer who 
wore a wig, Mr. Pennant became half seas over ; and 
another friend that was in company carefully placed 
himself between Pennant and wig, to prevent mischief. 
After much patience, and many a wistful look, Pennant 
started up, seized the wig, and threw it into the fire. 
It Avas in flames in a moment, and so was the officer, 
who ran to his sword. Down stairs ran Pennant, and 
the officer after him, through all the streets of Chester. 
But Pennant escaped, from superior local knowledge. 
A was: called this " Pennant's Tour in Chester." 

1045. The harengeres, or fish-women at Paris, form a 
sort of body-corporate. In the time of Louis XIV. the 



JOE MILLEE'S JESTS. 21 7 

Dauphin having recovered from a long illness, the fish- 
women deputed four of their troop to offer their con- 
gratulations. After some difficulties, the ladies were 
admitted by the king's special command, and conducted 
to the dauphin's apartment. One of them began a sort 
of harangue, What would have become of us if our 
dear dauphin had died ? We should have lost our all. 
The king meanwhile had entered behind, and being ex- 
tremely jealous of his power and glory, frowned at this 
ill-judged compliment; when another of the deputation, 
With a ready wit, regained his good graces, by adding, 
True ; we should have lost our all — for our good king 
could never have survived his son, and would doubtless 
have died of grief. The naif policy of this Unexpected 
turn was much admired. 

1046. Lord William Poulet, though often chairman of 
committees of the House of Commons, was a great 
dunce, and could scarce read. Being to read a bill for 
naturalizing Jemima, Duchess of Kent, he called her, 
Jeremiah, Duchess of Kent. Having heard south walls 
commended for ripening fruit, he showed all the four 
sides of his garden for south walls. 

1047. Queen Caroline spoke of shutting up St. James's 
Park, and converting it into a noble garden for the pal- 
ace of that name. She asked Sir Robert Watyole what 
it might probably cost ? who replied, Only three crowns. 

1048. Cardinal Dubois offered an abbey to a bishop, 
who refused it, because, he said, he could not reconcile 
to his conscience the possession of two benefices. The 
cardinal, in great surprise, said, You should be canon- 
ized. I wish, my lord, answered the bishop, that I de- 
served it ; and that you had the power. A delicate re- 
proach of his ambition. 

1049. A low Frenchman bragged that the king had 
spoken to him. Being asked what his majesty had said, 
he replied, He bade me stand out of his way. 

1050. I prefer the quarto size to the octavo : a quar- 
to lies free and open before one. It is surprising how 



218 

long the world was pestered with unwieldy folios. A 
Frenchman was asked if he liked books in folio [in the 
leaf]. No, says he, I like books in fructu [in the fruit]. 

1051. Lady Sandon was bribed with a pair of diamond 
earrings, and procured the donor a good place at court. 
Though the matter was notoriously known, she was so 
imprudent as to wear them constantly in public. This 
being blamed in company, Lady Wortley Montague, 
like Mrs. Candour, undertook Lady Sandon's defence. 
And pray, said she, where is the harm ? I, for my part, 
think Lady Sandon acts wisely — for does not the bush 
show where the wine is sold ? 

1052. A Jew and a Christian, both Italians, united 
their endeavours in a snuff-shop. On Saturday, the 
sabbath, the Jew did not appear ; but on Sunday he 
supplied the place of the Christian. Some scruples 
were started to the Jew, but he only answered, Trovata 
la legge, trovato Tinganno, [When laws were invented, 
tricks were invented.] 

1053. After the French revolution, Lord Orford was 
particularly delighted with the story of the Tigre Na- 
tional. A man who showed wild beasts in Paris, had a 
tiger from Bengal, of the largest species, commonly 
called the Royal Tiger. But when royalty, and every- 
thing royal, was abolished, he was afraid of a charge of 
incivism ; and, instead of Tigre Royal, put on his sign- 
board, Tigre National. 

1054. An attorney in France having bought a charge 
of bailiff for his son, advised him never to work in vain, 
but to raise contributions on those who wanted his as- 
sistance. What, father ! said the son in surprise, would 
you have me sell justice ? Why not ? answered the 
father : is so scarce an article to be given for nothing ? 

1055. A father wished to dissuade his daughter from 
any thoughts of matrimony. „ She who marries does 
well, said he ; but she who does not marry does better. 
Father, answered the girl meekly, I am content with 
doing well; let her do better who can. 



joe miller's jests. 219 

1056. A gentleman, travelling on a journey, having a 
light guinea which he could not pass, gave it to his 
Irish servant, and desired him to pass it upon the road. 
At night he asked him if he had passed the guinea. 
Yes, sir, replied Teague, but I was forced to be very 
sly ; the people refused it at breakfast and at dinner ; so, 
at a turnpike, where I had fburpence to pay, I whipped it 
in between two halfpence, and the man put it into his 
pocket, and never saw it. 

1057. A little boy having been much praised for his 
quickness of reply, a gentleman present observed, that 
when children were keen in their youth, they were gen- 
erally stupid and dull when they advanced in years, and 
vice versa. What a very sensible boy, sir, must you 
have been ! returned the child. 

1058. At an examination for the degree of B.A. in the 
Senate House, Cambridge, under an examiner whose 
name was Payne, one of the moral questions was, Give 
a definition of happiness. To which one of the candi- 
dates returned the following laconic answer, An exemp- 
tion from Payne. 

1059. A student of St. John's College, who was re- 
markable for his larks and eccentricities, during the 
time he was dining in hall, called to a ban vivant, at an- 
other table, to say, that lie had got a fine fox in his 
rooms, for him. This being overheard by the marker, 
who was a kind of mongrel fetch-and-carry to a certain 
dean, and who understood the student in a literal sense, 
he informed the dean of the circumstance. The student 
was very soon summoned before the master and seniors, 
for what he knew not ; however, on entering, he was in- 
formed, they had learned he kept a fox in his rooms, a 
thing not to be tolerated by the college. It is very true, 
replied the accused ; I have a bust of Charles James 
Fox, at your service. 

1060. When the celebrated Beau Xash was ill, Dr. 
Cheyne wrote a prescription for him. The next day, the 
doctor coming to see his patient, inquired if he had 
followed his prescription ? No, truly, doctor, replied 



220 JOE MILLER S JESTS. 

Nash, if I had I should have broken my neck, for I 
threw it out of a two pair of stairs window. 

1061. The son of a fond father, when going to war, 
promised to bring home the head of one of the enemy. 
His parent replied, I should be glad to see you come 
home without a head, provided you come safe. 

1062. Dr. Cheyne, of Bath, and a Mr. Santly, were 
deemed the two fattest men in Somersetshire. When 
they were once sitting together after dinner, Cheyne 
asked the other what made him look so melancholy ? 
Faith, replied he, I was thinking how it will be possible 
for the people to get either you or me to the grave after 
we die. Why, as to me, replied Cheyne, six or eight 
stout fellows will do the business, but you must be taken 
at twice. 

1063. A spark being brought before a magistrate, on a 
charge of horse-stealing, the justice, the moment he saw 
him, exclaimed, I see a villain in your countenance. It 
is the first time, said the prisoner, very coolly, that I 
knew my countenance was a looking-glass. 

1064. A jockey lord met his old college tutor at a great 
horse fair. Ah! doctor, exclaimed his lordship, what 
brings you here, among these high bred cattle ? Do you 
think you can distinguish a horse from an ass ? My lord, 
replied the tutor, I soon perceived you among these 
horses. 

1065. A French officer was speaking at a table-d'hote 
of his first impressions on seeing English soldiers, and 
attempted to ridicule them, by saying, that they had faces 
as round as Cheshire cheeses. An English officer replied, 
Monsieur, you are very polite ; and allow me to say, that 
if your soldiers had shown us a little more of their faces, 
and less of their backs, I should be very happy to return 
you the compliment. 

1066. The late Right Hon. Charles James Fox, in the 
course of a speech he made in the House of Commons, 
when enlarging on the influence exercised by government 
over the members, observed, that it was generally under- 
stood that the minister employed a person as manager of 



JOE miller's jests. 221 

the House of Commons ; here there was a general cry of 
Xame him! name him! Xo, said Mr. Fox, I don't 
choose to name him, though I might do it as easy as say 
Jack Robinson. This was really his name. 

1067. A traveller relating some of his adventures, told 
the company, that he and his servant made fifty wild 
Arabians run ; which exciting surprise, he observed there 
was no such great matter in it ; for, said he, we ran, and 
they ran after us. 

1068. A certain young clergyman, modest almost to 
bashfulness, was once asked by a country apothecary, of 
a contrary character, in a public and crowded assembly, 
and in a tone of voice sufficient to catch the attention of 
the whole company, How it happened that the patriarchs 
lived to such extreme old age ? To which question he 
immediately replied, Perhaps they took no physic. 

1069. Two English gentlemen, some time ago, visited 
the field of Bannockburn, so celebrated for the total de- 
feat of the English army, by Robert Bruce, with an army 
of Scottish heroes, not one fourth their number. A sen- 
sible countryman pointed out the positions of both armies, 
the stone where the Bruce's standard was fixed dur- 
ing the battle, &c. Highly satisfied with his attention, 
the gentleman, on leaving him, pressed his acceptance of 
a crown-piece. Xa, na, said the honest man, returning 
the money, keep your crown-piece ; the English hae paid 
dear enough already for seeing the field of Bannockburn. 

1070. Soon after Dr. Johnson's return from Scotland 
to London, a Scottish lady, at whose house he was, as a 
compliment, ordered some hotch-potch for his dinner. 
After the doctor had tasted it, she asked him if it was 
good ? To which he replied, Very good for hogs ! Then, 
pray, said the lady, let me help you to a little more. 

1071. A noble lord a short time ago applied to a pawn- 
broker to lend him 1000 guineas on his wife's jewels, for 
which he had paid 4000. Take the articles to pieces, 
said his lordship, number the stones, and put false ones 
in their place, my lady will not distinguish them. You 



222 joe miller's jests. 

are too late, my lord, said the pawnbroker ; your lady 
has stolen a march upon you ; these stones are false, I 
bought the diamonds of her ladyship a twelvemonth ago. 

1072. A common councilman's lady paying her daugh- 
ter a visit at school, and inquiring what progress she had 
made in her education, the schoolmistress answered, 
Pretty good, madam, miss is very attentive : if she wants 
anything it is a capacity ; but for that deficiency, you 
know we must not blame her. No, madam, replied the 
mother ; but I blame you for not having mentioned it be- 
fore. Her father, thank goodness, can afford his daugh- 
ter anything, and I desire that a capacity may be bought 
immediately, cost what it may. 

1073. A tanner near S waff 'ham, in Norfolk, invited the 
supervisor to dine with him, and after pushing the bottle 
about briskly, the supervisor took his leave ; but, in pass- 
ing through the tan yard, he unfortunately fell into a pit, 
and called lustily to the tanner to get him out. Can't, 
said the tanner ; if I draw any hides without giving 
twelve hours notice, I shall be exchequered and ruined ; 
but I'll go and inform the excise. 

1074. As Mr. Reynell, a man of some fortune in the 
neighbourhood of Edinburgh, was one day taking his 
ride, and being, according to his own idea, a person of 
no small consequence, he thought proper to show it by 
riding on the foot-path. Meeting a plain farmer-looking 
man, he ordered him imperiously to get out of his way. 
Sir, said the other, I don't understand this : I am upon 
the footpath, where I certainly have a right to walk. Do 
you know, sir, said Mr. Reynell, to whom you speak ? 
I do not, indeed. Sir, I am Mr. Reynell, of Edinburgh. 
"Well, sir, but that certainly does not entitle you to ride 
on the footpath, and to drive a humble pedestrian off it. 
Why, sir, I am a trustee of this road. If you are, you 
are a very bad one. You are a very impudent fellow — 
who are you, sir ? I am John, Duke of Montague. It is 
almost unnecessary to add that the haughty laird, after a 
very awkward apology, sneaked into the main road. 

1075. Lord Norbury was asking the reason of the de- 



JOE miller's jests. 223 

lay that happened in a cause, and he was answered, it 
was because Mr. Serjeant Joy, who was to lead, was 
absent, but Mr. Hope, the solicitor, had said that he 
would return immediately ; when his lordship humorous- 
ly repeated the well-known lines — 

Hope told a nattering tale, 

That Joy would soon return. 

1076. An Irish officer in Minorca was found by a gen- 
tleman who came to visit him in a morning a little ruffled, 
and being asked the reason, he replied he had lost a pair 
of fine black silk stockings out of his room, that cost 
eighteen shillings ; but he hoped he should get them again, 
for he had ordered them to be cried, with a reward of 
half-a-crown to the person who brought them. His friend 
observing that this was too poor a recompense for such 
a pair of silk stockings : Pooh, man, replied he, I directed 
the crier to say they were worsted. 

1077. A young man having asked an Hibernian who 
was looked up to as a scholar, what was meant by the 
posthumous works of such a writer ? Why, said the 
other, posthumous works are those books which a man 
writes after he is dead. 

1078. As you do not belong to my parish, said a cler- 
gyman to a begging sailor, with a wooden leg,. you can- 
not expect that I should relieve you. Sir, said the sailor, 
with a noble air, I lost my leg lighting for all parishes. 

1079. Henry IV. of France, passing through a small 
town, perceived the inhabitants assembled to congratu- 
late him on his arrival. Just as the principal magistrate 
had commenced a tedious oration, an ass began to bray ; 
on which the king, turning towards the place where the 
noisy animal was, said gravely, Gentlemen, one at a time, 
if you please. 

1080. Henry IV. to an excellent wit, added most ami- 
able manners, and a most captivating address. On Gen- 
eral Armand de Biron coming into his presence, when he 
was surrounded by some foreign ambassadors, the king 
immediately took Biron by the hand, and said, Gentle- 



224 joe miller's jests. 

men, this is Marshal Biron, whom I present with equal 
pleasure and confidence to my friends as well as my ene- 
mies. 

1081. The benevolent Dr. Wilson once discovered a 
clergyman at Bath, who he was informed was sick, poor, 
and had a numerous family. In the evening, he gave a 
friend fifty pounds, requesting he would deliver it in the 
most delicate manner, and as from an unknown person. 
The friend replied, I will wait upon him early in the 
morning. You will oblige me by calling directly. Think, 
sir, of what importance a good night's rest may be to that 
poor man. 

1082. In a lawsuit respecting boundaries, the counsel 
on both sides explained their claims on a plan — My lord, 
said one, we lie on this side : and the other said, My lord, 
we lie on this side. Nay, said the judge, if you lie on 
both sides, I can believe neither of you. 

1083. The celebrated Henry, Earl of Worcester, once 
observing the enemy leaving the field, turned round and 
said, I love to see my own danger, especially when it is 
marching off. 

1084. The earl once calling for a glass of claret, was 
told by his physician, that claret was bad for the gout. 
What, my old friend claret ! nay, give it me in spite of 
all physicians and their advice ; it shall never be said that 
I forsook my friend for my enemy. 

1085. One was telling the earl, how strangely he had 
escaped a shot, by the bar of a window. A musket bul- 
let had hit full against the edge of an iron bar of a cham- 
ber-window, so that the bullet was split in two, one half 
flying by on one side and the other on the other. The 
earl hearing this, asked in what room it was, and was 
answered, in the cross -barred room ; upon which he an- 
swered, You will now believe me, how safe it is to stand 
before the cross, when you face your enemy. 

1086. Charles II. hearing a high character of a preacher 
in the country, attended one of his sermons. Expressing 
his dissatisfaction, one of the courtiers replied, that the 



joe miller's jests. 225 

preacher was applauded to the skies by the congregation. 
Ay ! observed the king, I suppose his nonsense suits 
their nonsense. 

1087. Some one once asked Bruce what musical instru- 
ments were used in Abyssinia. Bruce hesitated, not be- 
ing prepared for the question ; and at last said, I think I 
saw one lyre there. George Selwyn whispered the man 
sitting next him, Yes, and there is one less since he left 
the country. 

1088. The attachment of some ladies to their lap-dogs 
amounts, in some instances, to infatuation. I have 
heard of a lap-dog biting a piece out of a male visitor's 
leg : his mistress thus expressed her compassion, Poor 
dear little creature, I hope it will not make him sick. 

1089. A Frenchman, a farmer of the duty upon salt, 
(farmed in France, as post horses are in England,) had 
built a most magnificent villa ; displaying it to his friends, 
it was observed that a statute was wanting for a large 
niche in the vestibule. I mean to put there, said the 
owner, some allegorical statue relating to my business. 
You may put then Lot's wife, who was changed to a 
statue of salt, answered one of his friends. 

1090. A master of a ship called down into the hold, 
Who is there ? Will, sir, was the answer. What are 
you doing ? Nothing, sir. Is Tom there ? Yes, 
answered Tom. What are you doing ? Helping Will, 
sir. 

1091. Two gentlemen coming into a tavern, one of 
them called for a bottle of claret : Why, do you love 
claret ? said the other ; for my part, I'll see it burnt be- 
fore I drink a drop. 

1092. One whose name was Pippin, being dressed in 
a green suit, chanced to meet his friend, who, at his first 
salute, told him, It was a rare thing to see a green Pippin 
on Christmas day. 

1093. A certain gentleman was mightily taken with a 
lady of the name of Wall, who was in the habit of paint- 
ing a good deal. His friends tried to persuade him from 



226 

going near her, saying, they wondered at a man of his 
taste setting his affections on a Painted Wall. 

1094. Musicians ought to be compared to chameleons. 
Why ? Because they live on airs. 

1095. One said a good client was like a study gown, 
sits himself in the cold, and keeps his lawyer warm. 

1096. A fellow whose name was Hog was convicted 
of felony before Lord Bacon, then judge of assize ; he 
used several unimportant arguments with his lordship 
before sentence was pronounced, and, none prevailing, 
he told him he was near of kin to him. How, to me ? 
said the judge. Yes, answered the fellow, for your 
name is Bacon, and mine is Hog. Oh ! then, replied his 
lordship, you will never be good Bacon till you are 
hanged. 

1097. One being at supper at a friend's house, (it 
chanced that there was mutton and capers for supper,) 
fell into a disccurse upon dancing, saying, that he loved 
it better than any other kind of recreation. By and 
bye, taking notice of the capers, which he had never 
seen before, took one upon his trencher, cut it in the 
middle, and put the half of it in his mouth. The master 
of the house observing it, said, Sir, it seems you do love 
dancing well, when you cannot forbear cutting a caper 
at supper. 

1098. Scriveners must be hard-hearted men, said Lord 
Adolphus F. Why ? Since they never rejoice more 
than when they put other men in bonds. 

1099. An ignorant drunken surgeon, that had killed 
most of his patients, boasted himself a better man than 
the parson ; For, said he, your cures maintain but your- 
self, but my cures maintain all the sextons in the town. 

1100. One threatened to break another's head with a 
stone. Don't try, said Lord Alvanley, you will hurt the 
stone. 

1101. A patient man being domineered over by his 
wife, who was always ill-treating him, desired her to 
tear his band, for he would gladly wear it without cuffs. 



joe miller's jests. 227 

1102. One said to his friend that had been sj3eak- 
ing, I love to hear a man talk nonsense. The other 
answered, I know you love to hear yourself talk as well 
as any man. 

1103. One asked the reason why lawyers' clerks 
wrote such wide lines. Another answered, it was done 
to keep the peace ; for if the plaintiff should be in one 
line and the defendant in the next, the lines being too 
near together, they might fall together by the ears. 

1104. One hearing a usurer say he had been on the 
Peak of Teneriffe, asked him why he had not stayed 
there, for he was persuaded he would never get so near 
heaven again. 

1105. One having drunk a cup of very flat beer, de- 
clared that the beer was more than foxed. Upon being 
asked his reason, he declared, it was dead drunk. 

1106. One saw a man and his wife fighting; the 
people asked him, why lie did not part them. He 
answered, That he was too well bred to part man and 
wife. 

1107. One seeing another wear a threadbare cloak, 
asked him, whether his cloak was not sleepy ? Why do 
you ask ? said his friend. Because, I am sure it has not 
had a nap this seven years. 

1108. A lawsuit being referred to a gentleman, the 
plaintiff, who had the equity of the cause on his side, 
presented him with a new carriage, the defendant with 
a couple of horses. The arbitrator liking the horses 
better than the coach, gave sentence on the defendant's 
side. The plaintiff called on him, and asked how it 
came to pass the coach went out of the right way ? He 
answered, He could not help it, the horses had drawn 
it so. 

1109. A saucy fellow named Jack, abusing a gentle- 
man whose name was Fisher, the gentleman struck him, 
for which, being reproved and threatened with an action, 
he said, Is it not lawful for a Fisher to strike a Jack ? 



228 

1110. A person had a picture of the Seven Senses 
stolen out of his house : whereupon he came to a justice 
and desired that the thieves might be bound to the 
peace : For what ? For stealing my senses. I thought 
so, said the justice, you talk so idly. 

1111. A woman was commending a boy's face : Give 
me a man's, quoth another, a boy's is not worth a hair. 

1112. A gentleman whose name was Stone, falling oif 
his horse, in crossing a river, into deep water, out of 
which he got not without some danger : his companions 
laughed at his mischance, and being reproved, answered, 
That there was no man but would laugh to see a Stone 
swim. 

1113. One being about to write the superscription of 
a letter to his mistress, asked a scholar what terms were 
best to give her, — who told him, " the Venus, lass of his 
affections," was good ; he mistaking, wrote, To the 
Venice-glass of his affections. 

1114. A drunken fellow returning home towards even- 
ing, found his wife hard at her spinning ; she, reproving 
him for his ill husbandry, and commending herself for 
her good housewifery, he told her that she had no great 
cause to chide, for as she had been spinning at home, he 
had been reeling abroad. 

1115. One that was skilled in writing short-hand prom- 
ised a lawyer's clerk to teach him his skill, who thanked 
him, and said they could not live by making short-hand 
of anything. 

1116. A company of gentlemen in a tavern, amongst 
the rest, one whose name was Bramble, quarrelled and 
fell to blows ; one of these got his face cut by the said 
Bramble ; upon going home, and being asked the cause 
of his face bleeding so, No great harm, replied he, only 
a Bramble by chance scratched me. 

1117. A rude overbearing young man was placed by 
his friends with a proctor, who observing the misbe- 
haviour of the youth, told his parents he feared their son 
would never make a civil lawyer. 



joe miller's jests. 229 

1118. One having a play-book called The Wits, which 
he valued much, by chance lost it ; but while he was 
chafing and swearing about the loss of his book, in came 
one of his friends, who asking the cause of his disquiet, 
was answered, That he had lost his wits. 

1119. One wondered why there were so many pick- 
pockets about the streets, notwithstanding a watch was 
at every corner. It was answered, that was all one, a 
pickpocket would as gladly meet a watch as anything 
else. 

1120. During the siege of a castle, when the besieged 
were hard pressed, a lady, one of the defenders, was re- 
marking, that the colours that hung upon one of the 
towers, were one of her bed-curtains. To which a per- 
son replied, Madam, I wish you would set up the little 
boy, (who stands up over the curtain,) on the top of that 
tower, that we might see whether he would drive away 
all those men with his bow and arrows. To which the 
lady replied, Cupid never raises a siege. 

1121. A great eater was once boasting that he was a 
great wit, saying, The world knew him to be " all wit:" 
one standing by, that knew him very well, said, Is it 
possible that you are taken for a wit ! if so, your anagram 
is wit-all. 

1122. Two being in a tavern together, one swore the, 
other should pledge him, Why then, quoth the other, I 
will ; — and presently went down stairs and left him for 
the reckoning. 

1123. A drunken fellow passing by a shop asked a 
'prentice boy, What their sign was ? He answered, it 
was a sign he was drunk. 

1124. It was said by one, a barber had need be honest 
and trusty, because, whoever employed him, though it 
was but for a hair matter, put his life into his hands. 

1125. It has been said, that a tooth-drawer was an un- 
conscionable trade, because his business was nothing 
else but to take away those things whereby every man 
gets his living. 



230 joe miller's jests. 

1126. Of all knaves, there is the greatest hope for a 
cobbler, for be he ever so idle, yet when he does any- 
thing, he is always mending. 

1127. It being demanded of a wild young man, why he 
wished to sell his lands ? He answered, because he 
hoped to go to heaven, which he could not possibly do 
till he forsook the earth. 

1128. A merry fellow said, The ale-house was the only 
place to thrive in, for he had known many a score made 
there. 

1129. A rich stationer w T ished himself a scholar, to 
whom one answered, That he was one already, being 
doctus in libris. Nay, said the stationer, I am but dives 
i)i libris — (meaning rich in pounds.) 

1130. Before Derrick was master of the ceremonies at 
Bath, he went to Cambridge on a visit ; his friends made 
him so welcome, that, owing to hard drinking, he could 
never rise till dinner-time ; being one day asked how he 
liked the place ? he replied, Very well, but that there 
was no forenoon at it. 

1131. A lady having a dispute with Mr. Derrick, told 
him by way of joke, that if he did not give up the argu- 
ment, she would put him in her patch-box. Madam, 
said he, you are at full liberty to clo so ; and should you 
condescend to use me as a patch, I beg you will stick me 
upon your lips. 

1132. Mr. Derrick being one morning at a coffee- 
house at Bath, was much disturbed by a very noisy man 
Avho sat at a small distance from him, upon w r hich he in- 
quired who the spark was ; they told him he was one of 
those gentry who are called Rooks. A Rook, sir, re- 
plied Derrick, zounds, 'tis impossible — by his chattering, 
I am sure he is a magpie. 

1133. A gentleman who had had several wives, paid 
his addresses to a widow lady at Bath ; and it being re- 
marked that he was a great duellist, Derrrick replied, 
the match would be more apropos, for the lady has killed 
her man. 



joe miller's jests. 231 

1134. Two gentlemen going very hungry into the 
White Lion at Bath, ordered a couple of chickens to be 
roasted for supper, which were brought upon table just 
as Mr. Derrick came in to speak to one of them upon busi- 
ness. They went out together, and while they were 
absent, the remaining person fairly ate up all the supper. 
When they returned, the other gentleman was aston- 
ished, and asked Mr. Derrick what he thought of his 
companion ? Why, I think, said Derrick, that he is a 
very fowl feeder. 

1135. A man being brought before a magistrate, when 
Mr. Derrick was present, for defamation, in calling his 
neighbour a scavenger. Pray, sir, (said Derrick to the 
justice,) attend seriously to this charge, for to me it ap- 
pears that there is some very dirty work going forward. 

1136. A gentleman having written an epitaph on a de- 
ceased friend, showed it to Mr. Derrick for his opinion : 
Sir, said he, I never read anything better suited to the 
mournful occasion — they are the saddest verses that ever 
were penned. 

1137. A lady of fashion and beauty inveighing against 
smugglers, Mr. Derrick interrupted her : Hold, madam, 
be not too severe ; I believe it will be found that the 
blackness of your crimes far exceeds theirs : the people 
you are railing against, smuggle only a few common 
goods, for which, they run the risk of losing their lives ; 
but you, without any danger to yourself, absolutely have 
smuggled the affections of every person in Bath. 

1138. Mr. Derrick being in a company, among whom 
there was a gentleman remarkable for a rude kind of sa- 
tirical wit, and who, having levelled his jeers at almost 
all present, chiefly by mimicking their voices, gestures, 
or taking them off, as it is commonly called, Mr. Derrick, 
expecting it would presently come to his turn, got up, 
and was going away. When being asked the reason of 
his leaving the company so soon, he replied, In order to 
save the gentleman the trouble of taking me off, I think 
it best to take myself off. 



232 joe miller's jests. 

1139. At a private masquerade, Derrick appeared in 

the character of a cook, and being met by Lord , 

was desired to dress a couple of pork chops. Sir, re- 
plied Derrick, as you are the only hog in company, I 
must then beg leave to cut them from your carcase. 

1140. Mr. Derrick going through the Strand one even- 
ing, detected a boy picking his pocket, and seizing him, 
had determined to have him committed, when the boy 
begged heartily for mercy, For indeed, sir, said he, it is 
my first offence ; here's your own handkerchief again, 
and take any of these five you like best. 

1141. A lady of distinction meeting Derrick in the 

long room, told him his old friend Lady was just 

delivered. Of a boy or girl ? said Derrick. Neither, 
replied the lady — of a husband, you donkey, and he is to 
be buried to-morrow. 

1142. Mr. Derrick being on a visit at a gentleman's 
house at Bath, a young lady to entertain the company, 
obliged them with a tune on the harpsichord : while she 
was playing, a female friend of Mr. Derrick's asked him, 
Who was the Goddess of Music ? Venus, said he. 
Pooh, replied she, you banter. No, upon honour, re- 
turned Derrick ; if you doubt, appeal to her — for there 
she sits. 

1143. One of those troublesome gentry called meal 
hunters, one day invited himself to dine with Derrick ; 
the dinner consisted of some fish and a fine piece of roast 
beef; the gentleman helped himself about half-a-dozen 
times, and approved highly of Mr. Derrick's taste, in pre- 
ferring the roast beef of old England to those flimsy 
kickshaws so much in fashion, adding, Here's cut and 
come again. Sir, said Derrick, you may cut, but you 
never come again. 

1144. A talkative gentleman boasting that he had been 
instructed in the art of speaking by the celebrated Quin. 
Sir, said Derrick, this company would have thought 
themselves more highly obliged to that gentleman, had 
ho taught you the art of holding your tongue. 



233 

1145. A gentleman bragging that he was promised the 
lease of the next house that fell in, Sir, said Derrick, had 
it been my case, I should rather have desired the lease of 
the next house that stood. 

1146. Derrick one day condoling with an Irish gentle- 
man whose father had lately died. Well, well, said 
Paddy, it does not signify grieving, for it is what we 
must all come to, if we do but live long enough. 

1147. It being disputed, while Lady , who had a 

remarkable red face, was present in the long room, when 
there would be an eclipse of the sun. It will be, said 

Derrick, let me see — ay, it will be, whenever Lady 

shall hide her beauties under a veil. 

1148. There was some years ago, a society in the 
metropolis, called the Court of Humour, the members of 
which met once a week for the purpose of trying causes. 
To this meeting, Derrick was invited ; and when the 
lord judge, in summing up the evidence in one of the 
trials, pronounced, with great gravity, " I must here de- 
sire to pause" — My lord, with submission, give me leave 
to fill up your paws ; and immediately presented his 
lordship with a large tumbler of negus. 

1149. Derrick once went to see the tragedy of Richard 
the Third performed by a country company ; the person 
who played Richard was as wretched a performer as 
ever disgraced the buskin ; and when he came to the 
scene where he says to Buckingham, " Bring the mayor 
and aldermen to see me here." If they see you once, 
said Derrick, they will never come again. 

1150. The late Dr. Stukely says, that one day, by ap- 
pointment, visiting Sir Isaac Xewton, the servant told 
him he was in his study. No one was permitted to dis- 
turb him there, but as it was near dinner-time, the visit- 
or sat down to wait for him. After a time, dinner was 
brought in — a boiled chicken under a cover. An hour 
passed, and Sir Isaac did not appear. The doctor ate 
the fowl, and covering up the empty dish, bid them dress 
their master another. Before that was ready, the great 



234 JOE miller's jests. 

man came clown ; apologized for his delay, and added, 
Give me but leave to take my short dinner, and I shall 
be at your service ; I am fatigued and faint. Saying 
this, he lifted up the cover, and without any emotion, 
turned about to Stukely with a smile : See, said he, 
what we studious people are : I forgot I had dined. 

1151. Leveridge, the actor, in giving out the play, 
made a small mistake, and instead of saying on Monday 
next will be performed, he addressed the audience with 
— Ladies and gentlemen, to-morrow will be performed — 
To-morrow ? said a buck from the pit, why to-morrow is 
Sunday ! I know it, my good friend, replied Leveridge ; 
— to-morrow there will be a charity sermon preached at 
St. Paul's, Covent Garden, and, on Monday, at this 
theatre, will be presented the Recruiting Officer, with a 
farce called Wit at a Pinch. This turned the laugh of 
the audience, and he went off with an unusual plaudit. 

1152. Derrick one day sent his footboy with a message 
to a gentleman whose name was Mr. Hodges Podger. 
The boy went to the street, as directed, but not being 
able, at once, to find the house, he knocked at another 
person's door, and mistaking the name, asked if Mr. 
Hodge-podge was at home. Hodge-podge ! said the ser- 
vant maid, why, you little puppy, does this house look 
like a cookshop ? 

1153. Some ladies in the long room at Bath observing 
that Mr. Derrick was exceedingly gay, a smart fellow 
thought to exercise his wit, by asking him who was his 
tailor ? Oh, sir, replied Derrick, he won't do for you, he 
deals only for ready money. 

1154. A conceited fellow presented King James with 
a manuscript, who, finding it exceeding bad, returned it, 
and bade him put it into rhyme. The fellow set to work, 
despatched it, and presented it anew to his Majesty, who, 
laughing, said, It was better now he had put into rhyme, 
u for, by my soul, man, afore 'twas neither rhyme nor 
reason." 

1155. What herb is it that cures all diseases ? Thyme 
[time] to be sure. 



joe miller's jests. 235 

1156. An upholder was chiding his apprentice because 
he was not notable enough at his work, and had not his 
nails and hammer in readiness when he should use them, 
telling him, when he was an apprentice he was taught to 
have his nails at his fingers' ends. 

1157. One hearing a great noise, sent his servant to 
know what was the matter, who brought him back word, 
One had taken a cup too mush — meaning that he had 
stolen a silver tankard. 

1158. A fortune-hunter at Bath, telling Mr. Derrick 
that he had got an excellent phaeton on the new plan, 
Derrick answered, I am rather of opinion you got it on 
the old plan, for I suppose you never mean to pay for it. 

1159. An impudent fellow met an unfortunate person 
who was blessed with a very red nose, and who also 
squinted ; making a stop and looking at him hard, the 
gentleman asked the reason of his gazing at him, Truly 
(was the rude answer) if your eyes were matches, your 
nose would undoubtedly set them on fire. 

1160. An attorney riding into the country, was asked 
what news he brought, and answered, Nothing, but that 
Marriot (a great eater) was reported to have lost his ap- 
petite ; to which another answered, Pray God a poor 
man meets not with it, for if he does it will utterly undo 
him. 

1161. One Brown, of Oxford, ringing in one of the 
belfrys of the said city, the clapper of the bell he was 
ringing fell upon his head, and almost killed him ; an 
arch young student seeing his mischance, and conceiving 
the wound incurable, wrote over against the place where 
the accident happened, these verses : 

Here lies John Brown, the University capper, 
That lived by the bell, and died by the clapper. 

But Brown recovering, and seeing these verses, wrote 
underneath — 

John Brown's alive, and lives in hope 

To live by the bell, when thou diest by the rope. 



236 joe 

1162. A gentleman bought some articles upon trust at 
a shop, promising the master that he would owe him so 
much money for them ; the tradesman was therewith 
contented, but finding that the gentleman delayed the 
payment, he demanded his money. The gentleman told 
him he had not promised to pay him ; he had, indeed, 
promised to owe him so much money, and he would in 
no way break from his word, which, if he paid him, he 
must do. 

1163. One asked why B stood before C ? Because, said 
another, a man must B, before he can C. 

1164. How long is the longest letter in the English 
alphabet, said D'Orsay to Alvanley the other day ? An 
L long to be sure, was the answer. 

1165. One said, physicians had the best of it, because 
they lived by other men's pains — meaning the griefs and 
diseases of their patients. 

1166. One was saying, he wondered why the people in 
Ethiopia did not write straight along as the northern 
people do ; he was answered, it was no wonder, for they 
write under the line, and that is the reason. 

1107. The Lord Cecil (who was rather crooked) hav- 
ing gone to much expense in building a superb house, 
an ingenious architect viewing it room after room, said, 
there was one great fault committed, which could not be 
amended. He was desired to explain himself. Why, 
there is not one room in this house in which his lordship 
can stand upright. 

1168. A gentleman being entreated to stand godfather 
to one of his tenant's children, granted the request, hav- 
ing no children of his own. The child, growing up, he 
was sent to visit his godfather, in the hopes he would do 
something for him. Upon his arrival his godfather asked 
him how his father and mother did ? Very well in 
health, replied the child, but my father has so many child- 
ren, he can hardly provide bread for us. Child, was the 
answer, God never sends mouths but he sends meat. It 
may be so, godfather, answered the child, but I think 



joe millek's jests. 237 

God has sent the months to our house, and the meat to 
you. This witty answer so pleased the old gentleman, 
that he took the child and brought him up as his own. 

1169. Glovers get their living by cutting purses, and 
yet are never punished for it. 

1170. King James removing once from Whitehall to 
Greenwich house, to take his pleasure, the constables 
were commanded to guard several passages, to hinder 
the concourse of people flocking thither : amongst many 
gentlemen stopped was one rather meanly dressed, who 
was asked to what lord he belonged ? To the Lord Je- 
hovah, he readily answered. The wise constable not 
catching the meaning, asked his companions if they knew 
any such lord. To which they replied, There is none 
such belonging to the coifrt. The constable, unwilling 
to give offence, replied, Well, I believe it is some Scotch 
lord or other, so let him pass. 

1171. A person holding an argument with a grocer 
concerning matters of trade, the grocers wife bid him 
give over arguing, for she was sure her husband could 
show a thousand reasons [raisins] to his one. 

] 172. One said painters were cunning fellows, for they 
had a colour for everything they did. 

1173. Mr. Derrick being asked his opinion of a young 
rake at Bath, who went under the denomination of a 
knowing one, said, he did not pretend to any great skill 
in physiognomy, but he believed he could venture to pro- 
nounce that the young gentleman would one day be fixed 
in a very exalted station. 

1174. At a general hunting in Cornwall, which is still 
observed twice a year, when also there is great wrestling 
and cudgel playing, a clergyman happened to be among 
the multitude, and for reproving a fellow for swearing, 
got his head cut by a stone flung at him by the man, 
which some that stood by seeing, said, Come, sir, we'll 
go along with you to a justice. No, said the minister, 
truly I think there is much more need to go with me to 
a surgeon. 



238 joe miller's jests. 

1175. A gentleman of good estate, who, it seems, hat- 
ed tobacco, and hearing that his eldest son did take it, 
though not in his presence, he told him, if he knew 
that he took tobacco he would disinherit him. Truly, 
father, said he, they that told you so were mistaken ; for 
before I will take any tobacco I'll see it all on fire. Say- 
est thou so, my boy ! cried the old gentleman, I'll give 
thee five hundred a year the more for that. 

1176. A crafty fellow being extremely in debt, and 
being threatened by his creditors that they would have 
him if he was above ground, got himself into a cellar, 
and there lay with the tapster, and being reproved for so 
doing, he said there was no fear of his being caught 
there, because he was under ground, and they dared not 
break their oaths, as they swore they would have him if 
above ground. 

1177. The French ambassador being at dinner with 
King James, the king, in mirth, drank a health to him, 
saying, " The King of France drinks a health to the 
French King." Upon which, the French ambassador 
suddenly replied, The king, my master, is a good lieuten- 
ant, for he holds France well for you. No, said the king, 
he holds it from me. Truly, sir, replied the ambassador, 
it is no further from you than it was. 

1178. A humorous country knight gave his man that 
waited on him this charge : that he should never say any- 
thing to him but what he asked him ; a little after he 
invited two gentlemen to his child's christening ; his 
man accordingly went to them and acquainted them with 
it ; they bid him thank his master, but to let him know 
they were pre-engaged, and could not come that day ; 
the knight waited an hour later than ordinary for their 
coming, but seeing they came not* he asked his man if 
he had spoken to them ? Yes, replied he, but they said 
they could not come. You rogue, why did you not tell 
me so before ? Why, truly, sir, said he, you did not 
ask me. 

1179. One speaking of the burning of the streets of 
London, at the great fire, said Cannon Street roared, 



job millek's jests. 239 

Wood Street was burnt to ashes, Bread Street was burnt 
to a coal, Ironmonger Lane became red hot, Snow Hill 
was melted down, Shoe Lane was burnt to boot, Creed 
Lane would not believe it till it came, and Pudding Lane 
and Pye Corner were over-baked. 

1180. A cobbler, sitting in his stall, offended a gentle- 
man who was passing by: Sirrah, said the gentleman, 
you are a rascal, and if you come out I will give you a 
kick. Thank you, said the cobbler, if you would give 
me two I would not come out. 

1181. A schoolmaster was always dictating to his 
scholars that H was no letter ; soon after, he called 
out to one of the boys, and bid him heat the caudle ; 
and when he asked for it, the scholar told him he had 
done with the caudle as he bid him. What's that ? said 
the master, Why, sir, replied the boy, I did eat it. Sir- 
rah, said he, I bid you heat it, with an A. Yes, sir, I did 
eat it with bread, as there is no h. 

1182. Pride and Hewson, two Oliverian colonels, the 
first a drayman and the other a cobbler, being met to- 
gether, began joking one with the other. Pride told 
Hewson, he saw a piece of cobbler's wax sticking upon 
his scarlet cloak. Poh, said Hewson, a handful of brew- 
er's grains will scour it off presently. 

1183. Some gentlemen were sitting in a coffee-houss 
together, one was asking what news there was ? The 
other told him, There were forty thousand men rose that 
day, — which made them all stare, and ask him to what 
end they rose, and what they intended ? Why faith, 
said he, only to go to bed at night again. 

1184. In the time of the Rump, two Rump parliament 
men being in a boat, said one of them, You watermen 
are hypocrites ; for you row one way and look another. 
O sir, said one of the watermen, we have not plyed 
so long at Westminster, but we have learned something 
of our masters, that is, to pretend one thing and act 
another. 

1185. A person hiring a lodging, said to the landlady, 



240 joe 

I assure you, madam, I am so much liked, that I never 
left a lodging but my landlady shed tears. - Perhaps, 
said she, you always go away without paying. 

1186. An alehouse girl took it into her head to be 
catechised at church. The parson asked her what was 
her name ? La, sir, said she, how can you pretend not 
to know my name, when you come to our house so often, 
and cry, ten times in an evening, Nan, you slut, bring us 
another pot ! 

1187. Smiths, of all the handicraft men, are the most 
irregular ; for they never think themselves better em- 
ployed, than when they are at their vices. 

1188. A child of one of the crew of his majesty's ship 
Peacock, during the action with the United States vessel, 
Hornet, amused himself with chasing a goat between 
decks. Not in the least terrified by the destruction and 
death all around him, he persisted, till a cannon-ball 
came and took off both the hind legs of the goat, when 
seeing her disabled, he jumped astride, crying, Now 
I've caught you. 

1189. Charles the Second asked Bishop Stillingfleet 
how it happened that he preached in general without 
book, but always read the sermons which he delivered 
before the court. The bishop answered, that the awe 
of seeing before him so great and wise a prince, made 
him afraid to trust himself. But will your majesty, 
continued he, permit me to ask you a question in my 
turn ? Why do you read your speeches in parliament ? 
Why, doctor, replied the king, I'll tell you very candidly. 
I have asked them so often for money, that I am ashamed 
to look them in the face ! 

1190. The late Duchess of York having desired her 
housekeeper to seek out for a new laundress, a decent 
looking woman was recommended for the situation. 
But, said the housekeeper, I am afraid she will not suit 
your royal highness ; as she is a soldier's wife, and these 
people are generally loose characters. What is it you 
say ? said the duke, who had just entered the room — a 



JOE MILLERS JESTS. 241 

soldier's wife ! Pray, madam, what is your mistress ? I 
desire, that the woman may be immediately engaged. 

1191. A man that had been terribly troubled with 
lawsuits, went one day to Tyburn to see an execution, 
and then swore 'twas better to have to do with Tyburn 
than Westminster Hall; for there, suits hang half a 
year, but at Tyburn, half an hour's hanging ends all. 

1192. Some men sitting drinking together, were prais- 
ing the ale about England, as Hull ale, Margate ale, 
Cheshire ale, and Lambeth ale. One said there was in 
London to his knowledge the. best in all England; and 
yet, said another, there's as good ale iu England, as in 
London. 

1193. A notorious cunning thief, upon being taken up, 
applied for a peace warrant against the justice, — as, he 
said, he stood in fear of his life from him. 

1194. A country gentleman asked a wise man, when 
he saw a fellow abuse and sneer at him, Why he did not 
return it. Why truly, said he, I think I should do very 
indiscreetly in so doing ; for if an ass kicks you, do you 
kick him again ? 

1195. A man, in a bitter cold night, was passing 
through the street, and seeing all a-bed, and no candle 
in any window, bethought himself of this project ; up 
and down he went crying, Fire, fire, fire ! which made 
several come to their windows. They a^ked him where 
it was? he replied, That was just what he wanted to 
know, for he was devilish cold. 

1196. Some apprentices in London being about to act 
a play one Christmas, when they were perfect, went to a 
grave citizen, and requested him to lend them his clothe* 
to act a play in. Xo, said he, nobody shall play the fool 
in my clothes but myself. 

1197. At a certain battle, a Spanish cardinal went in 
among the soldiers, and advised them not to spare their 
lives, but to exert their utmost courage, promising them 
a remission of all their sins, and that those who died in 
battle should dine with the angels in Paradise ; and hav- 



242 joe miller's jests. 

ing thus reconciled them, he was about to retire from 
the field, which one of the soldiers perceiving, said to 
him, And Avill you not stay and dine with us in Paradise ? 
To which the valiant cardinal replied, His dinner hour 
was later. 

1198. The bishop of the diocese in which Dornfront 
in Normandy is situated, understanding that the curates 
within his diocese exacted too much from their parish- 
ioners, made a table to regulate the fees for baptism, 
marriages, and burials ; but the curate of Dornfront 
would not baptize under double the sum limited by the 
table ; whereupon, complaint being made to the bishop, 
he was summoned to appear before his diocesan, and for 
his defence, he alleged, that he baptized all, but seldom 
buried any, for that as soon as they came to be of age, 
they were generally carried to Rouen to be hanged for 
false witnesses ; so that by this means, he was deprived 
of the fees for interment. But he would agree, that if 
any were buried in the parish, he would undertake to do 
it for nothing ; and to prove his statement correct, he 
produced a list of two hundred he had baptized, of 
which more than one hundred and eighty had been 
hanged. The bishop, upon the aforesaid consideration, 
ordered the poor curate to pay himself for the burials at 
the time of baptism. 

1199. was but of little stature, and dining one 

day at the royal table, with two scholars, both large 
men, the king sent him a dish with two large fishes and 
one small one, bidding him to divide them between him- 
self and the two scholars ; upon which, laid the 

two large fishes in his own plate, and sent the small one 
to the two scholars. His majesty laughing, said, Faith, 
you are no equal divider. That is your majesty's mis- 
take, said he, and pointing to himself and the two great 
fishes, said, Here are two great and one little, and on 
the other side are one little and two great. 

1200. A Franciscan one day mounted on a showy 
horse, was met by a burgess, who reminded him, that 
being of the order of St. Francis, he was obliged by 



JOE MILLER'S JESTS. 243 

vow to follow him, but he went on foot, and you are on 
horseback. Alas ! replied the friar, you have reason to 
say I ought to follow the holy founder of our order, but 
'tis so long since he went before, that it is impossible to 
overtake him on foot, and it will be hard to do it on 
horseback, unless I spur along. 

1201. Dominico, the harlequin, going to see Louis XIV. 
at supper, fixed his eyes on a dish of partridges. The 
king, who was fond of his acting, said, Give that dish 
to Dominico. And the partridges too, sire ? Louis, 
penetrating into the artfulness of the question, replied, 
And the partridges too. The dish was gold. 

1202. A fool being at church at vespers, and observing 
that as soon as one of the priests began the office, all the 
rest fell a singing, presently ran to him and gave him a 
sound cuff on the ear, saying, We should have been 
quiet enough, if this brawling fellow had not begun to 
cry first. 

1203. Admiral Duncan's address to the officers who 
came on board his ship for instructions, previous to the 
engagement with Admiral de Winter, was both laconic 
and humorous — Gentlemen, you see a severe Winter ap- 
proaching ; I have only to advise you to keep up a good 
lire. 

1204. Johnson did not like to be over-fondled : when 
a certain gentleman out-acted his part in this way, he is 
said to have demanded of him, What provokes your 
risibility, sir ? Have I said anything that you under- 
stand ? If I have, I ask pardon of the rest of the com- 
pany. 

1205. A lady meeting a girl who had lately left her 
service, inquired, Well, Mary, where do you live now ? 
Please, Ma'am, I don't live nowhere now, rejoined the 
girl, I'm married ! 

1206. A tobacconist having set up his chariot, in 
order to anticipate the jokes that might be passed on 
the occasion, displayed on it the Latin motto of " Quid 
rides" Two sailors who had often used his shop, seeing 



244 joe miller's jests. 

liim pass by in his carriage, the one asked the meaning 
of the inscription, when his companion said it was plain 
enough, repeating them as two English words, Quid 
rides. 

1207. Two gentlemen passing a blackberry-bush when 
the fruit was unripe, one said it was ridiculous to call 
them black berries, when they were red. Don't you 
know, said his friend, that blackberries are always red 
when they are green ! 

1208. An Athenian, who wanted eloquence, but was 
very brave, when another had, in a long and brilliant 
speech, promised great affairs, got up, and said, Men of 
Athens, all that he has said, I will do. 

1209. Louis XII. being at his castle of Plassey, near 
Tours, went one evening into the kitchen, where he 
found a boy turning the spit. The lad had something 
in his countenance which prepossessed the king in his 
favour, and he demanded who he was. The boy, not 
knowing the king, replied with simplicity, that his name 
was Stephen — that he came from Berri — and that he 
gained as much as the king. How much gains the king? 
demanded Louis, with some degree of astonishment. 
His expenses, said the boy, and I gain mine. This 
answer so much pleased the monarch, that he appointed 
him one of the valets-de-chambre. 

1210. When Pope Clement XIV. (Ganganelli) ascend- 
ed the papal chair, the ambassadors of the different states 
waited on him with congratulations : when they were in- 
troduced, they bowed, and he returned the compliment 
by bowing likewise ; the master of the ceremonies *told 
his holiness he. should not have returned their salute. O, 
I beg your pardon, said the pontiff, I have not been pope 
long enough to forget good manners. 

1211. It was said of a great calumniator, and a fre- 
quenter of other persons' tables, that he never opened 
his mouth but at somebody's expense. 

1212. A link-boy asked Dr. Burgess, the preacher, if he 
would have a light ? No, child, said the doctor, I am 



joe filler's jests. 245 

one of the lights of the world. I wish then, replied the 
boy, you were hung up at the end of our alley, for we 
live in a terrible dark one. 

1213. Two very honest fellows, who dealt in brooms, 
meeting one day in the street, one asked the other, how 
he could afford to under- sell him everywhere as he did, 
when he stole the stuff, and made the brooms himself ? 
Why, you silly dog, answered the other, I steal them 
ready made. 

1214. Two sporting men discoursing about a horse 
that had lost a race, one of them, by way of apology, ob- 
served, That the cause of it was an accident, his running 
against a waggon ; to which the other, who affected not 
to understand him, archly replied, Why, what else was 
he fit to run against ? 

1215. A fellow stole Lord Chatham's large gouty 
shoes : his servant not finding them, began to curse the 
thief. Never mind, said his lordship, all the harm I wish 
the rogue is, that the shoes may fit him ! 

1216. Sir Isaac Newton, one evening in winter, feeling 
it extremely cold, instinctively drew his chair very close 
to the grate, in which a fire had been recently lighted. 
By degrees, the fire being burnt up, Sir Isaac began to feel 
the heat intolerably intense, and rang his bell with unusual 
violence. John was not at hand ; he at last mflcle his ap- 
pearance, by the time Sir Isaac was almost literally roasted. 
Remove the grate, you lazy rascal ! exclaimed Sir Isaac, 
in a tone of irritation very uncommon with that amiable 
and placid philosopher ; remove the grate, ere I am 
burned to death ? Please your honour, might you not 
rather draw back your chair ? said John, a little wag- 
gishly. Upon my word, said Sir Isaac, smiling, I never 
thought of that. 

1217. A judge, on passing sentence of death upon an 
Irishman, said as usual, I have nothing now to do but to 
pass the dreadful sentence of the law upon you. Oh, 
don't trouble yourself on my account, interrupted Pat. I 
must do my duty, resumed the judge : — you must go 



246 joe miller's jests. 

from hence to the place of execution, where yon are to 
be hanged by your neck till you are dead ; and the Lord 
have mercy on your soul ! I am much obliged to you, 
said the prisoner, but I never heard of any one thriving 
after your prayers. 

1218. Triboulet, the fool of Francis the -First, was 
threatened with death by a man in power, of whom he 
had been speaking disrespectfully ; and he applied to the 
king for protection. Be satisfied, said the king ; if any 
man shall put you to death, I will order him to be hanged 
a quarter of an hour after. Ah, Sir ! replied Triboulet, I 
should be much obliged, if your Majesty would order 
him to be hanged a quarter of an hour before. 

1219. An Irishman, having bought a sheep's head, had 
been to a friend for a direction to dress it. As he was 
returning, repeating the method, and holding his pur- 
chase under his arm, a dog snatched it, and ran away. 
Now, my dear joy, said the Irishman, what a fool you 
make of yourself ! what use will it be to you, as you 
don't know how it is to be dressed ? 

1220. A penurious citizen, who used to feed his ap- 
prentices with nothing but lights and livers, and such like 
trash, having appointed to meet one of his men in the 
fields, the fellow came to him with a heavy clog upon his 
neck ; his^ master asking him his reason for so doing, he 
answeredhim, That he had fed so long on lights, that he 
was forced to carry that weight about him, lest the air 
should blow him away. 

1221. Dryden's wife complained to him that he was 
always reading, and took little notice of her : I wish, said 
she, that I was a book, and then I should enjoy more of 
your company. Yes, my dear, replied Dryden, I wish 
you were a book — but an almanack, I mean, for then I 
should change you every year. 

1222. Two gentlemen having wagered upon the num- 
ber of characteristic specimens of native brilliancy they 
should encounter in a rural excursion, one of them thus 
addressed a stone-breaker on the road : — My good fellow, 



joe miller's jests. 247 

were the devil to come now, which of us two would he 
cany away? After a little hesitation, that savoured of 
unexpected dulness, the man modestly lifting up his eyes 
from his work, answered, Me, sir. Annoyed by the sto- 
lidity of this reply, the querist pressed him for a reason : 
Because, your honour, he w r ould be glad of the opportu- 
nity to catch myself — he could have you at any time. 

1223. A gentleman meeting another upon the high 
road, riding upon an exceedingly lean horse, and with a 
great stick by his side, asked the reason why he was so 
armed : he replied, That it was to defend his person and 
keep off false knaves. But, sir, said he, in my mind you 
had better have ridden with a gun. Why so ? said the 
horseman. To keep away the crows, who are waiting to 
prey upon the carrion you are riding upon. 

1224. When Brummell retired to France, he was alto- 
gether ignorant of French, and obtained a grammar for 
the purpose of study. Scrope Davies being asked what 
progress he had made, replied, That Brummell had been 
stopped like Bonaparte in Russia, by the elements. 

1225. A thatcher being at work upon a cold Christinas 
Eve, and beating his arms about his ribs to warm him- 
self, a fellow passing by, observed it, and said, You have 
but cold working there on the edge of the house. 'Tis 
very true, answered the old man, for I have wrought on 
a hundred Christmas Eves, and if I said a hundred more, 
I think I should not be wrong, and yet I vow I never felt 
such a cold one before. 

1226. One going into Smithfield on a market-day, call- . 
ed to a horse-courser aloud, and said, Prithee, friend, how 
go horses to-day ? Marry, as you see — some amble, some 
trot, some gallop. 

1227. A pleasant fellow willing to put off a lame horse, 
rode him from the Sun Tavern, Cripplegate, to the Sun 
in Holborn, and the next day offered to sell him in Smith- 
field ; a bidder asking why the horse looked so lean ? 
was answered, It was no marvel, as he rode him yester- 
day from Sun .to Sun, and never drew bit. 



248 joe miller's jests. 

1228. One entering of a cold morning into a tavern 
with his friend, called to the waiter to have a fire quickly 
made, who brought wet faggots, which were long in 
kindling, making only a smothering smoke, while the 
sap fired apace out of the faggots ; which observing, he 
said, I now perceive, and never knew before, from 
whence the river of Styx was derived. 

1229. One meeting a drunkard reeling in the street, 
bade him stand up like a man ; who answered him, That 
for his own part, he could stand well enough, but he 
could not make his shoes stand. 

1230. A country farmer's wife in the north, having a 
nice lad for her son, about seven years old, bid him fetch 
home the kine from the field, to be milked in the yard ; 
there were six in number. The boy went as bid, and 
drove home but five. Marry, said his mother, what's 
become of the sixth ? She is turned down that deep 
dirty lane where I could not come at her, and I think 
she is going to the devil. To the devil ! said the moth- 
er ; nay, then stay, Bob, thy father shall go, as he has 
boots on. 

1231. There was a man whose nose leaned more to- 
wards one side than the other ; a friend disposed to have 
a laugh with him, said, I know what your nose is not 
made of, and I know of what it is. First, I can assure 
you, it is not made of wheat, and secondly, I will be 
judged by all the company, if it be not made a-rye. 

1232. A traveller reported to be drowned, a friend of 
his being in company, when the letters came that brought 
the first news of his death, fetched a deep sigh, with 
these words, God rest his soul, for he has gone the way 
of all flesh. Nay, said another then standing by, if he is 
drowned, lie has gone the way of all fish. 

1233. One of the great stone letters fell from the 
top of Northampton House and dashed out a scholar's 
brains. It happened not long after, that a good honest 
fellow, who could neither read nor write, being in com- 
pany with three or four very ingenious gentlemen, upon 



joe miller's jests. 249 

a sudden broke out into a deep melancholy, and said, 
TV ell, I thank God I can neither read nor write. One of 
the others smiling, replied, You speak strangely, for I 
and the rest here thank God we can do both. All's one 
for that, said he, yet let myself and others be thankful 
we can do neither. They asked his reason ; he gave 
them this explanation, Because, said he, we can walk 
the street with a security that you bookmen cannot. 
They desired him to explain himself. Why, said he, if 
one letter falling from the top of a house, had the power 
to knock out the brains of a scholar, what safety should 
we live in, to be troubled with four and twenty letters ? 
Xow, thank heaven, I have nothing to do with letters, 
and I cannot see that letters have anything to do with me. 

1234. Two country fellows meeting at an assizes in the 
country, one asked the other, What news, and how 
many were condemned to suffer ? The other answered, 
This hath been the strangest session that ever was in my 
time ; I have not known the like, for there is no execu- 
tion at all ; and is it not worth observation, that so many 
justices should sit on the bench, and not one thought 
proper to be hanged ? 

1235. Miss Pope was one evening in the green-room, 
commenting on the excellencies of Garrick, when, 
amongst other things, she said, he had the most wonder- 
ful eye imaginable — an eye, to use a vulgar phrase, that 
would penetrate through a deal board. Ay, cried We- 
witzer, I now understand what they call a gimlet eye. 

1236. A worthy gentleman and good scholar had been 
a long time in disgrace with Queen Elizabeth, the reason 
I know not, nor am willing to examine ; but a friend of 
his, who was in great favour at court, persuaded the 
queen to give him an audience. The time came, and 
after the customary introduction, the queen said, I under- 
stand you are a great scholar ; may I ask you one ques- 
tion ? Anything, madam, said he, that I am capable 
of resolving. Then pray you, how many vowels are 
there ? Madam, that is a question a schoolboy can resolve, 



250 

but since you would be answered by me, there are five. 
Five, said her majesty — well, of these five, which can we 
best spare ? Not any of them, madam, replied he, with- 
out corrupting our natural dialect. Yes, replied the 
queen, I can tell you, for of all these, we can (for our 
own part) best spare u [you]. 

1237. One gentleman objecting to another, that he was 
the first of his house, the other answered, That I am 
the first of my house, is so much more to my honour — 
you are likely to be the last of yours. 

1238. One thinking with barbarous Latin to confound 
a scholar, came and saluted him in these words, Ars tu 
fons, art thou well ? To whom the scholar quickly, 
A sinus fons asinus tu, that is, as well as you. 

1239. Two fellows purposing a journey, hired a horse 
betwixt them, to ride by turns ; the one laid down half 
the hire, and called upon his partner for the other half, 
which he willingly paid ; which being done, said he, 
Mark the conditions between us, which are these — when 
I ride, then you shall go on foot ; and when you go on 
foot, then I shall ride ; that is the condition — will you 
stand to it? Yes, with all my heart, said the other. 
So the first mounted and rode the whole journey, and 
left the other to come on foot after him. 

1240. A sleepy waiter, sitting asleep under the pulpit, 
the preacher beating his desk so hard, that he being 
suddenly awakened, cried out in a loud voice, Coming, 
sir, coming. 

1241. Two gentlemen having quarrelled in a passage, 
one of them, wishing to make his escape from the house, 
asked, How shall I get by you ? Get by me ! replied the 
other, what did I ever get by you ? 

1242. I am going to write a work upon Popular Ignor- 
ance, said a young man to a much older person : I know 
no one more competent, was the reply. 

1243. Walpole once persuaded Mrs. Kerwood not to 
go home by water, because it would be damp after the 
rain. 



251 

1244. Lord Hartington asked the Governor of Rome, 
what they had determined about the vessel that the 
Spaniards had taken under the cannon of Civita Yecchia, 
whether they had restored it to the English ? The gov- 
ernor said, They had done justice. His lordship replied, 
If you had not, we should have done it ourselves. 

1245. The late Duchess of Bolton resolved upon go- 
ing to China, when TVTiiston told her the world would 
be burnt in three years. 

1246. A gentleman coming into a church, where was 
none of the best music in the world, hearing them sing, 
" Have mercy upon us miserable sinners." Ay, said he, 
they might very well have said, Have mercy upon us 
miserable singers. 

1247. A humorous schoolmaster, one morning as he 
was washing his hands, called one of his higher boys to 
him, and said, Here boy, what is the Latin for a ladder? 
The youth answered, Scala. Fye, fye, quoth the school- 
master, what an asinego you are ! prithee tell me, what 
is the Latin for a lad? Adolescens^ replied the boy. 
Very well, and cannot you form the comparative degree 
of that ? Adolescent ior, said the boy. Ay, ay, now 
thou hast done it like a scholar indeed. 

1248. A country baker having occasion to call at the 
house of a certain justice of the peace, as he was riding 
out through a great court, saw a parcel of fat geese, and, 
catching up one, whipped it into his basket. The justice 
by chance espying him from one of the windows, called 
after him, saying, Bak-er, bak-er. To which the baker 
replied, I will, sir, I will, sir, and rode away as fast as 
he could. Some days after, the justice sent a warrant 
for him, and demanded of him how he dare carry away 
his goose in that manner? To which he replied, I have 
done nothing but what your worship commanded me, 
for your worship bid me bake-her, and that I have done 
in a good pie, and drank your worship's health at the 
eating of it. The justice, for the jest's sake, excused the 
baker. 

1249. A Welchman having been to London, his friends, 



252 JOE MILLERS JESTS. 

according to custom, on his return, demanded of him 
what news? He answered, That he knew little news; 
he had only observed one strange thing there, that every 
little boy of five or six years old could speak English 
perfectly, which he thought very strange ; because, in his 
country, they learn to speak it, as in England they learn 
to speak French. 

1250. A ship being in a storm at sea, was in great 
danger ; whereupon, the captain commanded every man 
to throw into the sea his heaviest things. A passenger, 
who had his wife, then offered to throw her overboard ; 
but the crew saved her, and asked him whether he was 
mad to try and throw her overboard; who answered, 
She is the heaviest thing I have, and I can best spare 
her. I assure you, she has long been a heavy burthen to 
me ; I pray, therefore, let me throw her over. 

1251. A talking barber once asked a gentleman in 
what fashion he would be trimmed, In silence, was the 
reply. 

1252. It is related of a well-known magistrate of times 
past, that being often deceived by false rumours of 
Queen Elizabeth's death, he protested that he would 
never believe she was dead, until he saw it under her 
own hand. 

1253. A good fellow having tippled rather too liber- 
ally, and his head being fuller of liquor than discretion, 
as he went along the streets, happened in the dark to 
run against a post ; and he, conceiving it to have been 
some man that had affronted him, fell upon the post with 
his fists, and of course soon beat off all the skin from 
his knuckles. One coming by, demanded of him, what 
was the matter ? Why, said ne, I have met here with a 
rascal who jostled me, and will not suffer me to pass 
quietly by him. Alas, see, said the other, you are mis- 
taken, it is a post. A post ! said he, why then he should 
have blown his horn. 

1254. A cook of one of the colleges at Cambridge, 
serving up dinner, gave to one of the assistants a neat's 



joe miller's jests. 253 

tongue to put upon the table ; the fellow not having firm 
hold of the dish, let it fall to the ground, so that it was 
not fit for serving, whereat the cook was very angry ; the 
poor fellow begged the cook not to be so very angry, it 
was but a lapsus Ungues. 

1255. Two or three gentlemen visiting a citizen, he, at 
their departure, asked them if they would please to take 
a glass of beer, apologizing for its being small beer, but 
such as contented him and his family ; they accepted it, 
saying, it was no matter for the smallness, so it were fresh. 
One of them tasting it, the other asked him if the beer 
was fresh. Yes, quoth he, I assure you it is fresh, as if 
it had been all night in water. 

1256. At a general assizes in Queen Elizabeth's days, 
two plain country fellows having some business there, 
were gazing upon the bench, until the time they should 
be called, discoursing betwixt themselves, said the one 
to the other, I much wonder at one thing, and would 
gladly be resolved thereof: the other demanding of him 
what it was he wished to know, was answered, I have 
often mused with myself, why all the judges go shaven, 
and there is no appearance of a beard to be seen amongst 
them all. To which the other replied, Neighbour, that 
is a doubt which is easily decided ; for in this place they 
ought to wear no beards, for you ought to know they re- 
present her majesty. 

1257. In many towns of this kingdom, mechanics are 
often made mayors. Amongst others, one who was 
elected to that office, thought it would be but becoming 
that his wife should be dressed according to the dignity 
of the situation, and accordingly ordered her new apparel 
from top to toe ; she not accustomed to such gaiety, was 
not a little proud, and coming somewhat late to church, 
at the moment when the auditory rose up for the reve- 
rence of the gospel, which she mistaking, and thinking 
it had been done to her, said aloud, I thank you all, my 
good friends and neighbours, I shall not be unmindful of 
this courtesy. 

1258. A person being asked the reason why his head 



254 JOE miller's jests. 

was so intermixed with white hairs, that it was indeed 
quite grey, and that not one could be seen in his beard, 
answered, It is no wonder, the hair of my head is older 
than that of my beard by twenty years. 

1259. The parson of a country village, visiting one of 
his sick parishioners, among other comforting words, 
said to him, Be of good cheer, my good friend, for I 
hope thou wilt be carried into Paradise. To which the 
sick man replied, Your speech is comforting to me, for 
if the way is long, I should never be able to walk there. 

1260. Two country fellows falling out, w r ere at very 
hot words, insomuch that one gave the other the lie, who 
taking it in great disgrace, bent his fist and threatened 
revenge ; the other, knowing himself unable to grapple 
with him, denied his words ; in conclusion, the defendant 
was so pressed, that in plain terms he gave him the lie, 
saying, Thou liest to say I gave thee the lie. To which 
the other answered, It is well now at last that thou hast 
given me satisfaction. 

1261. A country fellow had an idle housewife, w T ho 
would do nothing but sit before the fire, and suffer 
everything to go to sixes and sevens ; coming one day 
from his labour, and finding her sitting as customary, 
lolling by the fire, he took up a stick, and began to cud- 
gel her soundly ; at which she cried out, Alas, husband, 
what do you mean ? you see I am doing nothing, I am 
doing nothing. That is the very reason why I am beat- 
ing you, said he. 

1262. A person who had a great shrew for his wife, in 
one of the quarrels, got so enraged, that he could not 
contain himself, but snatched up a flagon that happened 
to be near, and gave her a very deep wound on her head, 
the cost of curing which was very considerable. This 
woman sitting at another time among her gossips, said 
openly, My husband does not dare to break my head any 
more, he paid so dearly for the last cure. This being 
told to the husband, he sent for the apothecary and sur- 
geon, and, calling for his w^ife, when they arrived, he 
paid each of them their bill, and also gave them money 



joe miller's jests. 255 

in advance, in earnest of the next cure she might re- 
quire. We need not say, the husband was not further 
annoyed. 

1263. An Irishman said to his companions on Christ- 
mas Eve, he did not mean to havs a plum-pudding for 
dinner next day. Why so ? asked they. Och, I have 
raisons for it. Then you did intend it, since you have 
got the raisins, 

1264. A gentleman passing in dirty weather through 
a street in which the pavement had been broken up, got 
bespattered with mud — on looking about him in his dis- 
tress, he saw written up on a board, " Xo thorough- 
fare" — Egad, said he, they may well say that ; for I have 
proved it thorough foul. 

1265. A distinguished gentleman, whose nose and chin 
are both very long, and who has lost his teeth, whereby 
the nose and chin are brought very close together, was 
told, I am afraid your nose and chin will light before 
long, they approach each other so very menacingly. I 
was afraid of it myself, replied the gentleman, for a good 
many words have passed between them already. 

1266. A servant, near Limerick, at the- time that 
everybody was required to deliver in their arms, wrote 
to his master at Dublin, that he had secured the fire 
arms, having sent all the pokers and tongs to the bar- 
racks. 

1267. A young lady at the Exhibition at the Suffolk 
Street Gallery, looking at a subject of still life, — plates, 
dishes, &c, asked the gentleman who accompanied her, 
to look in the catalogue and see what it was ; he replied, 
A study. Why, goodness, said she, I took it for a kit- 
chen ! 

1268. A fine ship was lately launched, at which Sir 
Henry Tempest attended. A wag observed, What a 
pity it is, that a tempest should accompany such a 
launch. 

1269. On the expulsion of Mr. Jones from the Irish 



256 JOE miller's jests. 

House of Commons, a punning wag remarked, that this 
was not In-I-go Jones — but Out-I-go Jones. 

1270. Of a person as remarkable for his irregularity 
as for his musical talents, it was aptly remarked, that the 
whole tenor of his conduct was thorough base. 

1271. A fashionable Irish gentleman having made a 
purchase of Hume's History of England, went into a 
bookseller's shop to have it most elegantly bound. 
What binding would you like best ? asked the book- 
seller, would you like it bound in Russia ? In Russia ! 
exclaimed the man of fashion ; Oh, no, no, that is too 
far off, I'd rather have it bound in Bond Street. 

1272. A very corpulent gentleman travelling in the 
north, was walking backwards and forwards in front of 
an inn, while the horses were changing. One of the 
gapers, an inhabitant of the place, had a mind to be 
witty : viewing the gentleman's person, he accosted him 
with — I see, sir, you carry your portmanteau before ye. 
Certainly, said he, I always think it requisite to have it 
under my eye, when passing through a suspicious look- 
ing place. 

1273. Grattan being asked his opinion of the valour 
of a certain captain, who from excess of feeling put up 
with a severe castigation, replied, That he thought it 
odd, for to his knowledge the captain had fought. Who, 
who ? cried his informant. Shy, said the witty barrister. 

1274. A trader in Dublin, said one day to his friend, 
I will be ruined. I am sorry for it, said the other, 
but if you will be ruined, you know no one can prevent it. 

1275. A gentleman being much pressed in company to 
sing a song, observed pettishly, That they only wanted 
to make a butt of him. By no means, my dear fellow, 
rejoined one of his tormentors, we only want to get a 
stave out of you. 

1276. A Welchman coming to London to pursue a suit 
at law, chanced to steal a sow, for which he was taken 
and burnt in the hand. His friends asked him, when lie 



joe miller's jests. 25^ 

arrived home, How the law went with him ? Priddie 
well, said he, for hur has got hur in hur hand. 

12 77. What did 3Ir. King die of? asked a simple 
neighbour. Of a complication of disorders, replied his 
friend. How do you describe a complication, my good 
sir? He died, rejoined the other, of two physicians, an 
apothecary, and a surgeon. 

1278. Parson Hawkins passing the River Wye, to Bi- 
ford, where he lived, had with him one Bartholomew 
Herring, who, being heavy laden, fell over the side of 
the boat into the river ; Hawkins cried out, Save the 
man, save the man. Herring answered, Hold your 
tongue, am I not in my element ! , 

1279. Serjeant Hoskins having married an old widow, 
and being asked by a companion of his, Why he did not 
marry a young woman ? answered, He had a maxim for 
it in his accidence, In legendis veteribus prq/iciscis, [In 
reading old authors thou dost proiit.] 

1280. A young man walking along Cheapside, espied 
a house shut up, with a bill over the door, showing that 
the house and shop were to be let. He asked a person 
at the next door, If the shop might be let alone ? Yes, 
replied the other, you may let it alone, for anything I 
know. 

1281. A gownsman at Cambridge was once bargaining 
with Fordham for a horse ; the latter was taken sudden- 
ly very ill and died ; there were very few pounds be- 
tween them in respect to the price. The gownsman, not 
knowing what had occurred, called next morning at the 
yard, and asked to see Mr. Fordham. Master, sir, said 
the ostler, is dead, but he left word you should have the 
horse. 

1282. A caravan of wild beasts arriving lately in an 
American village, the elephant was accommodated in a 
large carriage-house — where, it appeared, a tall two- 
fisted negro from the country, who had never seen or 
heard of an elephant, had lain down to sleejx On wak- 
ing, blacky was not a little astonished at his strange bed- 



258 

fellow. What could it be? The devil! The huge 
mass moved, when lo, a tail at both ends put an end to 
all doubt, and, with one despairing leap, he was out of 
the loft window, without once calculating upon the 
chance of breaking his neck. In the fulness of his aston- 
ishment and joy at his escape, he could tell no more of 
the occasion of his alarm, than of a devil with two tails, 
and describe in his best way, an extending, contracting, 
flexible tail, that no distance could secure you from. 

1283. The following anecdote is related of Lessing, the 
German author, who, in his old age, was subject to ex- 
traordinary fits of abstraction. On his return home one 
evening, after he had knocked at his door, the servant 
looked out of the window to see who was there ; not re- 
cognizing his master in the dark, and mistaking him for 
a stranger, he called out, The Professor is not at home. 
Oh, very well, replied Lessing, no matter, I will call an- 
other time ; and very composedly walked away. 

1284. A young clergyman finding it impossible to pro- 
vide for his family with his very slender income, wrote 
to his friend — Dear Frank, I must part with my living to 
save my life. 

1285. A bookseller in Paris being lately asked for a 
copy of the 'Constitution of 1814,' replied — Sir, I keep 
no periodicals. 

1286. A lecturer on the history of chemistry, thus de- 
scribed the celebrated Mr. Boyle : He was a great man, 
a very great man ; he was father of modern chemistry, 
and brother of the Earl of Cork. 



259 



A Receipt to make an Epigram. 

BY LORD HERVEY. 

A pleasing subject first with care provide ; 

Your matter must with nature be supplied ; 

Nervous your diction, be your measure long, 

Nor fear your verse too stiff if sense be strong : 

In proper places proper numbers use, 

And now the quicker, now the slower chuse : 

Too soon the dactyl the performance ends, 

But the slow spondee coming thoughts suspends ; 

Your last attention on the sting bestow, 

To that your good or ill success you'll owe ; 

For there, not wit alone must shine, but humour flow. 

Observing these, your epigram's completed ; 

Nor fear 'twill tire, though seven times repeated. 

On Ben Jonson's Bust set up in Westminster Abbey, with the buttons on the 
ivrong side of his coat. 

BY THE REV. SAMUEL WESLEY. 

rare Ben Jonson ! What, a turn-coat grown ! 
Thou ne'er wert such till thou wert clad in stone. 
When time thy coat, thy only coat, impairs, 
Thou'lt find a patron in a hundred years : 
Then let not this mistake disturb thy sprite, 
Another age shall set thy buttons right. 

On Quin's comparing G-arrick to Whitfield, and complaining } that the 
peopU were madding it after him. 

BY G— CE. 

Pope Quin, who damns all churches but his own, 
Complains that heresy misleads the town, 
That Whitfield-Garrick does corrupt the age, 
And taints the sound religion of the stage. 

Thou great infallible ! forbear to roar ; 

Thy bulls and errors are revered no more : 
Where doctrines meet with general approbation, 
It is not heresy, but reformation. 

On Miss Biddy Floyd, by dean swift. 

When Cupid did his grandsire Jove intreat, 
To form some beauty by a new receipt, 
Jove sent and found, far in a country scene, 
Truth, innocence, good-nature, looks serene ; 



260 joe miller's jests. 

From which ingredients first the dextrous boy 
Picked the demure, the awkward, and the coy : 
The Graces from the court did next provide 
Breeding, and wit, and air, and decent pride ; 
These Yenus cleansed from every spurious grain 
Of nice, coquet, affected, pert, and vain : 
Jove mixed up all, and his best clay employed, 
Then called the happy composition, Floyd. 

On the Grave-stone of a Blacksmith, hurled in Chester Cliurch-yard. 

My sledge and hammer lie reclined, 
My bellows too have lost their wind ; 
My fire's extinct, my forge decayed, 
And in the dust my vice is laid ; 
My coal is spent, my iron's gone, 
My nails are drove, my work is done ; 
My fire-dried corpse lies here at rest, 
My soul, smoke like, is soaring to be blest. 

On a Monument intended to be erected for Mr. Rowe, by his Widow. 
Written before Mr. Dry den? s was set up. 

BY MR. POPE. 

Thy reliques, Rowe, to this fair shrine we trust, 
And, sacred, place by Dry den's awful dust. 
Beneath a rude and nameless stone he lies, 
To which thy tomb shall gain inquiring eyes : 
Peace to thy gentle shade, and endless rest, 
Blest in thy genius, in thy love too blest ; 
One grateful woman to thy fame supplied 
What a whole thankless land to his denied. 

On Maids. 

Most maids resemble Eve now in their lives, 
Who are no sooner women, but they're wives. 

On Giles Jacob, the Poet, by dr. sewell. 

Parent of dulness ! genuine son of night ! 
Total eclipse ! without one ray of light : 
Born when dull midnight bells for funerals chime, 
Just at the closing of the bellman's rhyme. 

BY DEAN SWIFT. 

As Thomas was cudgelled one day by his wife, 
He took to his heels and ran for his life: 



261 



Tom's three clearest friends came by in the squabble, 
And skreened him at once from the shrew and the rabble ; 
Then ventured to give him some wholesome advice : 
But Tom is a fellow of humour so nice, 
Too proud to take counsel, too wise to take warning, 
He sent to all three a challenge next morning : 
He fought with all three, thrice ventured his life, 
Then went home again, and was thrashed by his wife. 

Translated from buchanax. 
Beginning, Pauper eram juvenis, &c. 

Poor, when in youth, now worn with feeble age 
I'm rich ; but wretched still in either stage : 
"When wealth I could enjoy I then had none ; 
Now plenty's come, all power of use is gone. 

On a Company of had Dancers to good Jfusic. by mr. budgell. 

How ill the motion with the music suits ! 

So Orpheus fiddled, and so danced the brutes. 

The Lovers Legacy. 

Unhappy Strephon, dead and cold, 
His heart was from his bosom rent, 

Embalmed, and in a box of gold, 
To his beloved Kitty sent. 

Some ladies might, perhaps, have fainted, 
But Kitty smiled upon the bauble ; 

A pin-cushion, said she, I wanted, 
Go put it on the dressing-table. 

The Scotch Weather- Wife. 

Scotland, thy weathers like a modish wife; 
Thy winds and rains maintain perpetual strife ; 
So termagant, a while, her thunder hies ; 
And when she can no longer scold — she cries. 

On Milton, by mr. drydex. 

Three poets, in three di slant ages born, 
Greece, Itah r , and England did adorn ; 
The first in loftiness of thought surpast ; 
The next in majesty ; in both the last. 
The force of nature could no farther go — 
To make a third she joined the former two. 



262 joe miller's jests. 

Written in the leaves of a Fan. 

BY DR. ATTERBURY, A LATE BISHOP OF ROCHESTER. 

Flavia the least and slightest toy, 

Can with resistless art employ : 

This fan in meaner hands would prove 

An engine of small force in love ; 

Yet she with graceful air and mien, 

Not to be told or fairly seen, 

Directs its flowing motion so, 

That it wounds more than Cupid's bow ; 

Gives coolness to the matchless dame, 

To every other breast a flame. 

Written in Miss F J s Few at I Church, 

With awe, with pleasure and surprise, 
I view the lightning of your eyes ; 
Lightning ! that wounds me as it flies. 

What prayer ! what vow ! to Heaven can go ? 

For all devotion you subdue ; 

At least, 'tis all transferred to you. 

In vain is human strength — its boasted art—; 

While you sit here, you share my vows in part ; 

To Y * I give my ears, to you my eyes and heart. 

The Lucky Man. by mr. welsted. 

I owe, says Metius, much to Colon's care ; 
Once only seen, he chose me for his heir : 
True, Metius ; hence your fortunes take their rise ; 
His heir you were not, had he seen you twice. 

To Mr. T—d?on his complimenting Mr. F—de on his Poetry. 

F — de writes well, you say ; suppose it true, 
You pawn your word for him ; — he'll vouch for you ; 
So two poor knaves, when once their credit fail, 
To cheat the world, become each other's bail. 

On a handsome Woman, with a fine voice, out very covetous and proud. 

So bright is thy beauty, so charming thy song, 

As had drawn both the beasts, and their Orpheus along ; 

But such is thy avarice and such is thy pride, 

That the beasts must have starved, and the poet have died. 

* The Minister. 



JOE MILLER'S JESTS. 263 

Venus mistaken, by mr. prior. 

When Chloe's picture was to Yenus shown, 
Surprised, the goddess took it for her own ; 
And what, said she, does this bold painter mean ? 
When was I bathing thus, and naked seen ? 
Pleased, Cupid heard, and checked his mother's pride ; 
And who's blind now, mamma ? the urchin cried. 
"lis Chloe's e} r e, and cheek, and lip, and breast, 
Friend Howard's genius fancied all the rest. 

Epitaph on Ifr. Harcourtfs Tomb, by mr. pope. 

To this sad shrine, whoe'er thou art, draw near, 
Here lies the friend most wept, the son most dear, 
Who ne'er knew joy but friendship might divide, 

Nor gave his father grief but when he died. 

How vain is reason ! eloquence how weak ! 
When Pope must tell what Harcourt cannot speak. 
Yet let thy once-loved friend inscribe the stone, 
And with a father's sorrow mix his own. 

Ah, no ! 'tis vain to strive it will not be ; 

No grief that can be told is felt for thee. 

Prometlieus ill-painted, by mr. cowley. 

How wretched does Prometheus' state appear, 

Whilst he his second misery suffers here. 

Draw him no more, lest, as he tortured stands, 

He blame great Jove's less than the painter's hands. 

It would the vulture's cruelty outgo, 

If once again his liver thus should grow. 

Pity him, Jove, and his bold theft allow ; 

The flames he once stole from thee grant him now. 

On a Lady ivho pretended to tell Fortunes, by mr. mottley. 

Some oracles of old, to cause more wonder, 

Were, when pronounced, accompanied with thunder : 

But thy predictions come not in a storm, 

They are delivered by the brightest form : 

If, when you speak, Jove does not pierce the sky, 

Yet still you've all his lightning in your eye. 

Hit Cure of Love. 

When, Chloe, I confess my pain, 

In gentle words your pity show ; 
But gentle words are all in vain, 

Such gales my flame but higher blow. 



2G4 JOE miller's jests. 

Ah, Chloe, would you cure the smart 
Your conqu'ring eyes have keenly made, 

Yourself upon my bleeding heart — 
Yourself, fair Chloe, must be laid. 

Thus for the viper's sting we know, 

No surer remedy is found. 
Than to apply the tort'ring foe, 

And squeeze his venom on the wound. 

Epitaph on an unknown Person. 

Without a name, for ever senseless, dumb, 
Dust, ashes, nought else, lies within this tomb. 
Where'er I lived, or died, it matters not ; 
To whom related, or by whom begot ; 
I was, but am not, ask no more of me — 
It's all I am, and all that thou shalt be. 

Epitaph. 

Here lies a lady, who, if not belied, 
Took wise St. Paul's advice, and all things tried ; 
Nor stopt she here ; but followed through the rest, 
And always stuck the longest to the best. 

In a window of a room in the Tower of London is written; 

R. Walpole, 1712. 

Underneath that, are the following lines : 

Good unexpected, evil unforeseen, 
Appear by turns, as fortune shifts the scene : 
Some, raised aloft, come tumbling down again, 
And fall so hard, they bound to rise again. 

The Artist, by mr. concanen. 

Very nicely thou lay'st on thy colours, dear Nan, 

And no painter in skill can o'er top ye ; 
When to Ellys you sat, he dully brushed on, 
Till he thought he had an original drawn, 
Which you proved to be only a copy. 

Epitaph on a talkative old Maid. 

Beneath this silent stone is laid 

A noisy antiquated maid, 

Who, from her cradle, talked till death, 

And ne'er before was out of breath. 

Whither she's gone we cannot tell, 

For if she talks not she's in hell : 



joe miller's jests. 265 

If she's in heaven she's there unblest, 
Because she hates a place of rest. 

A Simile. 

Women to cards may be compared : we play 
A round or two ; when used, we throw away, 
Take a fresh pack ; nor is it worth our grieving 
Who cuts and shuffles with the dirty leaving. 



Thais, her teeth are black and naught, 
Lucania's white are grown : 

But what's the reason ? These are bought, 
The other wears her own. 

The disappointed Husband. 
Mulieri ne crede, n-e mortuce quidem. 

A scolding wife so long a sleep possessed, 
Her spouse presumed her soul was now at rest 
Sable was called to hang the room in black ; 
And all their cheer was sugar-rolls and sack. 
Two mourning staffs stood sentry at the door ; 
And silence reigned, who ne'er was there before. 
The cloaks, and tears, and handkerchiefs prepared, 
They marched in woeful pomp to Abchurch Yard ; 
When see of narrow streets what mischiefs come ! 
The very dead cant pass in quiet home : 
By some rude jolt, the coffin lid was broke, 
And madam from her dream of death awoke. 
Now all was spoiled : the undertaker's pay, 
Sour faces, cakes, and wine, quite thrown away. 
But some years after, when the former scene 
Was acted, and the coffin nailed again, 
The tender husband took especial care, 
To keep the passage from disturbance clear ; 
Charging the bearers that they tread aright, 
Nor put his dear in such another fright. 



Among the fair that Hyde Park Circus grace, 
Canidia seeks admirers of her face ; 
In vain her airs, her wanton arts she tries, 
Among those beauties that engage all eyes : 
Bright rays, like diamonds, they around 'em fling. 
Whilst she is but the cipher of the ring. 



266 joe miller's jests. 

On a Robbery. 

Ridway robb'd Duncote of three hundred pounds ; 

Ridway was taken and condemned to die : 
But for his money was a courtier found, 

Begged Ridway' s pardon : Duncote now doth cry, 
Robbed both of money and the law's relief, 
The courtier is become the greater thief. 

On Suicide : from martial, by mr. sewell. 

When all the blandishments of life are gone, 
The coward creeps to death, the brave lives on. 

A Dialogue between two very bad Poets, by mr. concanen. 

Says Richard* to Joe,t thou'rt a very sad dog, 
And thou canst write verses no more than a log ; 
Says Joseph to Dick, prithee, ring-rhyme, get hence : 
Sure my verse, at least, is as good as thy sense. 
Was e'er such a contest recorded in song ? 
The one's in the right, and the other's not wrong. 

To a Painter drawing a Lady's Picture, by mr. dennis. 

HeJ who great Jove's artillery aped so well, 
By real thunder and true lightning fell ; 
How then durst thou, with equal danger try 
To counterfeit the lightning of her eye ? 
Painter, desist ; or soon the event will prove 
That Love's as jealous of his arms as Jove. 

Tlie Choice. 

Too conscious of her worth, a noble maid 
Baulked many a lover, and her mind out-strayed, 
While yet a peer, less doubting than the rest, 
Defied her coldness, and attacked her breast. 
A spaniel whelp, and spaniel lord, declare 
Their vows to serve, and hope to please the fair ; 
The cautious nymph, still fearing a trepan, 
Their fortune, wit, and worth, did nicely scan ; 
Then, as the reason of the case is clear, 
Embraced the puppy, and dismissed the peer. 

On a certain Writer. 

Half of your book is to an index grown ; 

You give your book contents, your readers none. 

* Savage. + Mitchel. % Salmoneufi. 



JOE MILLER'S JESTS. 267 

On a Flower painted by Yaeelst. by mr. prior. 

"When famed Yarelst this little wonder drew, 
Flora vouchsafed the growing work to view ; 
Finding the painter's science at a stand, 
The goddess snatched the pencil from his hand, 
And, finishing the piece, she smiling said, 
Behold one work of mine, which ne'er shall fade. 

An Epitaph on Little Stephen, a voted Fiddler in the County 
of Suffolk, 

Stephen and Time 

Are now both even ; 
Stephen beat Time, 

Now Time beats Stephen. 

On Giles and Joan. 

Who says that Giles and Joan at discord be ? 

The observing neighbours no such mood can see ; 

Indeed, poor Giles repents he married ever, 

But that his Joan doth too : and Giles would never, 

By his free will, be in Joan's company ; 

No more would Joan he should : Giles riseth early, 

And having got him out of doors is glad ; 

The like is Joan : but turning home is sad ; 

And so is Joan : oft-times when Giles doth find 

Harsh sights at home, Giles wishes he were blind ; 

All this doth Joan ; or, that his long-earned life 

Were quite out-spun ; the like wish hath his wife : 

In all affections she concurreth still ; 

If now with man and wife to will and nill 

The self same things, a note of concord be, 

I know no couple better can agree. 

To a Sempst?'ess, 

Oh, what bosom but must yield, 

When, like Pallas, you advance, 
With a thimble for your shield, 

And a needle for your lance ! 
Fairest of the stitching train, 

Ease my passion by your art ; 
And in pity to my pain, 

Mend the hole that's in my heart. 

On a Certain Poet. 

Thy verses are eternal, my friend ! 

For he who reads them, reads them to no end. 



268 joe miller's jests. 

A Distich, written under the sign of the King^s Read, and Bell 
Dublin, at the host's request. 

BY DEAN SWIFT. 

May the king live long ; 
Dong, ding, ding, dong. 

On seeing a Miser at Vauxhall Gardens. 

Music has charms to sooth a savage breast, 
To calm the tyrant, and relieve the opprest : 
But Vauxhall's concert's more attracting power 
Unlocked Sir Richard's pocket at threescore : 
Oh ! strange effect of music's matchless force, 
To attract a shilling from a miser's purse ! 

To a Lady who had very bad teeth . 

Ovid, who bids the ladies laugh, 
Spoke only to the young and fair ; 

For thee his counsel were not safe, 

Who of sound teeth have scarce a pair. 

If thou the glass or me believe, 

Shun mirth, as foplings do the wind ; 
At Cibber's face affect to grieve, 
And let thy e} r es alone be kind. 

If thou art wise see dismal plays, 
And to sad stories lend thy ear ; 

With the afflicted spend thy days, 
And laugh not above once a year 

On an old Maid's Marriage. 

Celia, a coquet in her prime, 

The vainest, ficklest thing alive ; 

Behold the strange effects of time ! 
Marries and doats at forty-five. 

Thus weathercocks, that for awhile 
Have turned about with every blast, 

Grown old, and destitute of oil, 
Rust to a point, and fix at last. 

A Cure for Love. 

Of two reliefs to cure a love-sick mind, 
Flavia prescribes despair ; I urge, be kind ; 
Flavia, be kind : the remedy's as sure ; 
'Tis the most pleasant,* and the quickest cure. 



joe miller's jests. 269 

Under the Picture of a Beau. 

This vain thing set up for a man, 

But see what fate attends him ; 
The powdering barber first began, 

The barber-surgeon ends him. 

On, a Gentleman, drinking the Health of an unkind Mistress. 

Why dost thou wish that she may live, 
Whose living beauties make thee grieve ! 
Thou wouldst more wisely wish her kind, 
That she may change her cruel mind ; 
Thy present wish but this can gain, 
That she may live, and thou complain. 

On, a Prize-Fighter. 

His thrusts like lightning flew, yet subtle death 
Parried them all, and beat him out of breath. 

The Penance. 

When Phillis confessed, the father was rash, 

And so, without further reflection, 
Her delicate skin he condemned to the lash, 

While himself would bestow the correction. 
Her husband, who heard this, opposed it by urging, 

That he, in regard to her weakn 
And to save her soft back, would himself bear the scourging 

With humble submission and meekness. 
She piously cried, when the priest gave accord, 

To show what devotion was in her, 
He's able and lusty, pray cheat not the Lord, 

For, alas ! I'm a very great sinner. 

On- a Gentleman who died the day after Jiis Lady. 

She first departed ; he for one day tried 
To live without her : liked it not, and died. 

On a Wclchman. 

A Welchman coming late into an inn, 
Asked the maid what meat there was within ? 
Cow-heels, she answered, and a breast of mutton ; 
But, quoth the Welchman, since I am no glutton, 
Either of these shall serve : to-night the breast, 
The heels i' tlr morning, then light meat is best; 
At night he took the breast and did not pay, 
T th' morning took his heels, and ran away. 



270 joe miller's jests. 



The Fate of Poets. 

Seven wealthy towns contend for Homer dead, 
Through which the living Homer begged his bread. 

On an old Woman with false Hair. 

The golden hair that Galla wears 

Is hers : who would have thought it ! 

She swears 'tis hers, — and true she swears ; 
For I know where she bought it. 

On another old Woman, by mr. prior. 

From her own native France, as old Alison past, 

She reproached English Nell with neglect or with malice ; 

That the slattern had left, in the hurry and haste, 
Her lady's complexion and eye-brows at Calais. 

An Epitaph, 

Here lies honest Strephon with Mary his bride, 

Who merrily lived and cheerfully died ; 

They laughed and they loved, and drank while they were able, 

But now they are forced to knock under the table. 

This marble, which formerly served them to drink on, 

Now covers their bodies, — and sad thing to think on ! — 

That do what one can to moisten our cla}% 

'Twill one day be ashes, and moulder away. 

On an ugly old Woman in the Dark, from martial. 

Whilst in the dark on thy soft hand I hung, 
And heard the tempting syren in thy tongue ; 
What flames, what darts, what anguish I endured ! 
But, when the candle entered, I was cured. 

On a beautiful and ingenious young Lady. 

Minerva, one day, pray let nobody doubt it, 
Rid an airing from Oxford six miles, or about it, 
Where she 'spied a young damsel so blooming and fair, 
That, ah, Venus ! she cried, is your ladyship there ? 
Pray is not yon Oxford ? — and lately you sware, 
Neither you, nor aught like you, should ever come there : 
Do you thus keep your promise ? and am I defied ? 
The virgin drew near her, and, smiling replied, 
— My goddess ! what have you your pupil forgot ? 
— Your pardon, my dear, Is it you, Molly Scot ? 



271 



To a Lady who married her Footman, colonel p ■ . 

Dear cousin, think it no reproach, 

(Thy virtue shines the more,) 
To take black John into the coach 

He rode behind before. 

On stealing a Pound of Candles, 

Light-fingered Catch, to keep his hand in ure, 

Stole anything ; of this you may be sure, 

That he thinks all his own which once he handles, 

For practice-sake did steal a pound of candles ; 

Was taken in the fact : Oh, foolish wight ! 

To steal such things as needs must come to light. 

On a very plain Lady, that patched much. 

Your homely face, Flippanta, you disguise, 

With patches, numerous as Argus' eyes ; 

I own that patching's requisite to you, 

For more we are pleased, if less your face we view ; 

Yet I advise, if my advice you'd ask, 

Wear but one patch ; but be that patch a mask. 

t The Bart. 

Whene'er I look, I ma}' descry 
A little face peep through that eye ; 
Sure that's the boy, who wisely chose 
His throne among such beams as those, 
Which, if his quiver chance to fall, 
May serve for darts to kill withal. 

To L >, the Miser. 

When thou art asked to sup abroad, 

Thou swear'st thou hast but newly dined; 

That eating late does over-load 
The stomach and the mind. 

Then thou wilt drink 'till every star 

Be swallowed by the rising sun ; 
Such charms hath wine we pay not for, 

And mirth at others' charge begun. 

Who shuns his club, yet flies to every treat, 
Does not a supper, but a reck'ning hate. 



272 joe miller's jests. 

On Jealousy, by a lady. - 

Oh ! shield me from his rage, celestial powers, 
This tyrant that embitters all my hours. 
Ah, love, you've poorly played the monarch's part, 
You conquered, but you can't defend my heart. 
So blessed was I, throughout the happy reign, 
I thought this monster banished from thy train ; 
But you would raise him to support your throne, 
And now he claims your empire as his own : 
Or tell me, tyrants, have you both agreed, 
There where one reigns, the other shall succeed ? 

On Julia! 8 throwing a Snow-Ball. 

Julia, young wanton, flung the gathered snow, 
Nor feared I burning from the watery blow : 
'Tis cold, I cried ; but, ah ! too soon I found, 
Sent by that hand, it dealt a scorching wound. 
Kesistless fair ! we fly thy power in vain, 
"Who turn'st to fiery darts the frozen rain. 
Burn, Julia, burn like me, and that desire 
With water which thou kindlest quench with fire. 

To Zelinda. 
The poet and the painter safely dare 
To form an image of the proudest fair : 
Your brighter charms, by lavish nature wrought, 
Transcend the painter's skill, the poet's thought. 

Occasioned by seeing some verses on Ccelia, written on a pane 
of Glass. 

"Well hast thou drawn, fond youth, in properest place, 

The short-lived beauties of false Caelia's face. 

"When words' obscurities thy sense o'er-shade, 

The place gives light to what thou wouldst have said. 

Bright as this lucid glass her eyes now seem, 

Like this, breathed on by fell disease, grown dim. 

Like glass is every strongest vow she makes, 

Brittle as that, as easily she breaks ; 

Such is her honour. Short her fame, we find, 

"Which cracked, must perish by the first high wind. 

On a Riding-House turned into a Chapel, by mh. farquhar. 

A chapel of a riding-house is made, 
Thus we once more see Christ in manger laid, 
Where still we find the jockey trade supplied, 
The laymen bridled, and the clergy ride. 



joe miller's jests. 273 



On Cldoe. 



Here Chloe lies, 

"Whose once bright eyes 
Set all the world on fire : 

And not to be 

Ungrateful, she 
Did all the world admire. 

Written extempore, on the Duke of Devonshire's Home at Chatsxcorth, 

Qualiter in mediis quam non speraverat urbeni, 
Attonitus, Yenetam navita cernit aquis ; 

Sic iuiproviso emergens et montibus inns, 
Attollis sese Devoniana Domus. 

And thus translated by collet cibbeb, esq. 

Not sailors view with more astonished eyes, 
In open seas Venetian towers arise, 
Than from the mountains strangers, with delight, 
See unexpected Chatsworth charm the sight. 



George came to the crown without striking a blow: 
Ah ! quoth the Pretender, would I could do so. 

On the Clare-marlcet and other Orators, 

To wonder now at Balaam's ass, is weak : 
Is there a day that asses do not speak ? 

The JShundouU. 

You beat your pate, and fancy wit will come ; 
Knock as you please, there's nobody at home. 

Sylvia, 

Sylvia makes a sad complaint she has lost her lover ; 
Why nothing strange I in that news discover. 
Nay, then thou'rt dull ; for here the wonder lies, 
She had a lover once ! — Dont that surprise ? 

On a Painter , who stabbed a man fastened to a Cross, that he mu 
draw the picture of the Crucifixion more naturally. 

"While his Redeemer on his canvas dies, 
Stabbed at his feet his brother weltering lies. 
The daring artist, cruelly serene, 
Views the pale cheek, and the distorted mien ; 
He drains off life by drops, and deaf to cries, 
Examines every spirit as it flies ; 



274 joe miller's jests. 

He studies torment, dives in mortal woe, 
To rouse up every pang repeats his blow ; 
Each rising agony, each dreadful grace, 
Yet warm transplanting to his Saviour's face. 
Oh, glorious theft ! nobly wicked draught ! 
With its full charge of death each feature fraught ! 
Such wondrous force the magic colours boast, 
From his own skill he starts, in horror lost. 

On a handsome Idiot, by mr. congrevb. 

When Lesbia first I saw, so heavenly fair, 

With eyes so bright, and with that awful air, 

I thought my heart, which durst so high aspire, 

As bold as his who snatched celestial fire ; 

But soon as e'er the beauteous idiot spoke, 

Forth from her coral lips such folly broke, 

Like balm the trickling nonsense healed my wound, 

And what her eyes enthralled, her tongue unbound. 

On a dumb Boy, ^ery beautiful, and of great quickness of parts. 

WRITTEN BY A LADY. 

I sing the boy, who, gagged and bound, 
Has been by nature robbed of sound ; 
Yet has she found a generous way, 
One loss by many gifts to pay. 
His voice, indeed, she close confined, 
But blest him with a speaking mind ; 
And every muscle of his face 
Discourses with peculiar grace : 
The ladies tattling o'er their tea, 
Might learn to charm by copying thee. 
If silence thus can man become, 
All women beauties would be dumb. 
Then, happy bo} r , no more complain, 
Nor think thy loss of speech a pain : 
Nature has used thee like good liquor, 
And corked thee but to make thee quicker. 

Written on the Cliamber Door of King Charles II, 

BY THE EARL OF ROCHESTER. 

Here lies the mutton-eating king, 
Whose word no man relies on ; 

Who never said a foolish thing, 
Nor ever did a wise one. 



joe miller's jests. 275 

Mankind Punished. 

The crimes of men began to grow so great, 
That how to punish justly puzzled Fate ; 
Heaven sighed at last, that to his sons so dear 
A punishment's decreed, and so severe : 
Go, says eternal justice, hell-hounds, go, 
And execute my dread commands below ; 
Fix your rapacious claws on every door, 
Despoil the rich, and poorer make the poor ; 
Pity not age, add to his weight of years, 
And fill the wretched widow's eyes with tears ; 
Disturb their sleep, and poison every dish. 
Nor let them taste, without a doubt, a wish : 
The judge supreme, who each effect foresaw, 
Cried, Havock, and let loose the dogs of law. 

To a young Gentleman who loved to drive hard with a sorry pair of 

Horses. 

BY MR. PRIOR. 

Thy nags, the leanest things alive, 
So very hard thou lov'st to drive, 
I heard thy anxious coachman say 
It cost thee more in whips than hay. 

Solid Worth in a Wife. 

When Loveless married Lady Jenny, 
Whose beauty was the ready penny ; 
I chose her, said he, like old plate, 
Not for the fashion, but the weight. 

Epitaph on a Miser. 

Reader, beware immoderate love of pelf: 

Here lies the worst of thieves, who robbed himself. 

On a crooked Woman. 
Nature in pity has denied you shape, 
Else how should mortals Flavia's chain escape? 
Your radiant aspect, and your rosy bloom, 
"Without this form would bring a general doom : 
At once our ruin and relief we see, 
At sight are captives, and at sight are free. 

Phillis's Age. 
How old may Phillis be, you ask, 

Whose beauty thus all hearts engages ? 
To answer is no easy task ; 

For she really has two ages. 



276 joe miller's jests. 

Stiff in brocade, and pinched in stays, 
Her patches, paint, and jewels on; 

All day let Envy view her face, 
And Phillis is but twenty-one. 

Paint, patches, jewels, laid aside, 

At night astronomers agree, 
The evening has the day belied, 

And Phillis is full forty-three. 

On Timothy Jfum, a Tapster. 

Here Tim the tapster lies, who drew good beer, 
But now, drawn to his end, he draws no more ; 

Yes, still he draws from every friend a tear, 
Water he. draws, who drew good beer before, 

On seeing an engraved Portrait of the late Dr. Cheyne ill done. 

Nature and Yandergutch in this agree, 
Unfinished she has left him, so has he. 

On the death of Mary, Countess of Pembroke* 

Underneath this sable hearse 

Lies the subject of all verse, 
Sidney's sister, Pembroke's mother : 
Death, ere thou hast killed another, 

Fair, and learned, good as she, 

Time shall throw his dart at thee. 

To a bad Fiddler. 

Old Orpheus played so well he moved old Nick, 
Whilst thou mov'st nothing but thy fiddle-stick. 

Written on a Glass with the Earl of Chesterfield 's diamond pencil. 

Accept a miracle instead of wit ; 

See two dull lines by Stanhope's pencil writ. 

The real Affliction. 

Doris, a widow, past her prime, 

Her spouse long dead, her wailing doubles ; 
Her real griefs increase by time, 

And what abates, improves her troubles. 
Those pangs her prudent hopes suppressed, 

Impatient now she cannot smother : 
How should the helpless woman rest ? 

One's gone — nor can she get another. 



joe culler's jests. 277 

To an old Woman who used Paint. 

Leave off thy paint, perfumes, and youthful dress, 
And nature's failing honestly confess ; 
Double we see those faults which art would mend, 
Plain downright ugliness would less offend. 

To FlirtiUa. 

In church, the prayer-book and the fan displayed, 
And the solemn curtesies, show the wily maid ; 
At plays, the leering looks, and wanton airs, 
And nods, and smiles, are fondly meant for snares. 
Alas ! vain charmer, you no lovers get ; 
There you seem hypocrite, and here coquet. 

On a picture of Mrs. Arabella Hunt, drawn playing on a lute, after 
her death. 

Were there on earth another voice like thine, 
Another hand so blessed with skill divine, 
The late afflicted world some hopes might have, 
And harmony retrieve thee from the grave. 

On a Bursar of a certain college in Oxford cutting down the Trees near 
the said college for his own use. 

Indulgent nature to each creature shows 

A secret instinct to discern its foes : 

The goose, a silly bird, avoids the fox ; 

Lambs fly from wolves, and sailors steer from rocks ; 

The thief the gallows, as his fate foresees, 

And bears the like antipathy to trees. 

On the death of Jlrs. B , who died soon after her marriage* 

Hail, happy bride ! for thou art truly bless'd, 

Three months of rapture crowned with endless rest. 

Merit like yours was heaven's peculiar care, 

You loved, — 3*et tasted happiness sincere. 

To you the sweets of love were only shown ; 

The sure succeeding bitter dregs unknown ; 

You had not yet the fatal change deplored, 

The tender lover for the imperious lord ; 

Nor felt the pains that jealous fondness brings, 

Nor wept the coldness from possession sprung : 

Above your sex distinguished in your fate, 

You trusted — yet experienced no deceit. 

Soft were your hours, and winged with pleasures flew, 

No vain repentance gave a sigh to you ; 

And if superior bliss heaven can bestow, 

With fellow angels you enjoy it now. 



278 joe miller's jests. 

The Emperor Adrian's Death-bed Verses to his Soul imitated. 

Poor little, pretty, fluttering thing, 

Must we no longer live together ? 
And dost thou prune thy trembling wing 

To take thy flight the Lord knows whither ? 

Thy humorous vein, thy pleasing folly, 

Lie all neglected, all forgot ; 
And pensive, wavering, melancholy, 

Thou dread' st and hopest thou know'st not what. 

To Celia f with a Snuff-box, having a Looking- Glass in the Lid. 

Let others Yenus and the Graces place, 
Or Cupid, god of love, these toys to grace ; 
Deign, charmer, but to cast those sparkling eyes 
On this fair mirror, lo ! with glad surprise, 
A fairer form than Yenus shall arise. 
Smile but my fair, and view ten thousand loves, 
Cheerful as light, and soft as cooing doves : 
Beauty and love with thee for ever stay, 
Soon as thou closest the lid both fly away. 

To Oliver Cromwell. 

A peaceful sway the great Augustus bore ; 
O'er what great Julius gained by arms before ; 
Julius was all with martial trophies crowned ; 
Augustus for his peaceful arts renowned : 
Rome calls them great, and makes them deities ; 
That, for his valour ; this, his policies : 
You, mighty prince, than both are greater far, 
Who rufe in peace that world you gained in war ; 
You sure from heaven a finished hero fell, 
Who thus alone two Pagan Gods excel. 

Inscription for a Fountain, adorned with Queen Anne's and the late 
Duke of Marlborough's Images, and the chief Eivers of the World 
round the work. 

Ye active streams ! where'er your waters flow, 
Let distant climes and farthest nations know, 
What ye from Thames and Danube have been taught, 
How Anne commanded and how Marlborough fought. 

On Blood's stealing the Grown. 

When daring Blood, his rent to have regained, 
Upon the English diadem distrained ; 



JOE MILLER'S jests. 219 

He chose the cassock, surcingle, and gown, 
The fittest mark for one who robs the crown : 
But his Lay Pity underneath prevailed, 
And while he saved the keeper's life, he failed. 
With the priest's vestment, had he but put on 
The prelate's cruelty, the crown had gone. 

A Declaration of Love. 

You I love, nor think I joke, 
More than ivy does the oak ; 
More than fishes do the flood ; 
More than savage beasts the wood ; 
More than merchants do their gain ; 
More than misers to complain ; 
More than widows do their weeds ; 
More than friars do their beads ; 
More than Cynthia to be praised ; 
More than courtiers to be raised ; 
More than law} r ers do the bar ; 
More than 'prentice boys a fair ; 
More than topers t'other bottle ; 
More than women tittle-tattle ; 
More than jailors do a fee ; 
More than all things I love thee. 

Written in the ' JSouveaux Intents des Princes de V Europe? 

Blest be the princes who have fought 
For pompous names, or wide dominion ; 

Since by their error we are taught, 
That happiness is but opinion. 

On Snuff. 

Jove once resolved, the females to degrade, 

To propagate their sex without their aid ; 

His brain conceived, and soon the pangs and throes 

He felt, nor could th' unnatural birth disclose ; 

At last, when tried, no remedy would do, 

The god took snuff, and out the goddess flew. 

On a Fan, in which was painted tlie story of Cephalus and Procris } with 
this ??iotto t Aura veni. 

Come, gentle air, th'^Eolian shepherd said, 
While Procris panted in the sacred shade ; 
Come, gentle air, the fairer Delia cries, 
While at her feet her swain expiring lies. 



280 joe 

Lo ! the glad gales do o'er her beauties stray, 

Breathe in her lips, and in her bosom play ; 

In Delia's hand this toy is faithful found, 

Nor could that fabled dart more surely wound ; 

Both gifts destructive to the givers prove, 

Alike both lovers fall, by those they love : 

Yet guiltless too this bright destroyer lives, 

At random wounds, nor knows the wounds she gives : 

She views the story with attentive eyes, 

And pities Procris, while her lover dies. 

The advantage of having two Physicians, 

One prompt physician like a sculler plies, 
And all his art and all his skill applies : 
But two physicians, like a pair of oars, 
Convey you soonest to the Stygian shores. 

The folloioing Lines were found among Mr. Pope's Papers in his own 
Hand-writing. 

Argyll, his praise when Southerne wrote, 
First struck out this, and then that thought ; 
Said this was flattery, that a fault. 

How shall your bard contrive ? 
My lord, consider what you do, 
He'll lose his pains and verses too ; 
For if these praises fit not you, 

They'll fit no man alive. 

On an old Miser. 

Here lies father Sparges, 
Who died to save charges. 

On a Grave-stone in Cirencester Church- Yard. 

God takes the good, too good on earth to stay, 
And leaves the bad, too bad to take away. 

Dean Stvift being sent for by the Lord Carteret, then Lord Lieutenant of 
Ireland, and being made to wait in the Council Chamber alone, wrote 
with a Diamond on the Window — 

My very good lord, 'tis a very hard task 

For a man to wait here who has nothing to ask. 

My Lord coming soon after into the room, wrote under it thus : 

My very good dean, there are few who come here 
But have something to ask, or something to fear. 



281 



Epitaph on Mr. Fenton. 

This modest stone, what few vain marbles can, 

May truly say, — Here lies an honest man ! 

A poet blessed beyond a poet's fate, 

Whom heaven kept sacred from the proud and great ! 

Foe to loud praise, and friend to learned ease, 

Content with science in the vale of peace ; 

Calmly he looked on either life, and here 

Saw nothing to regret, nor there to fear ; 

From nature's temperate feast rose satisfied, 

Thanked heaven that he had lived, and that he died. 

The Petition of Justice B ns's Horse, to his Grace thz Duke 

of X— . 

Quite worn to the stumps, in a piteous condition, 

I present to your grace this my humble petition ; 

Full twenty-eight stone, as all the world says, 

(To me it seems more) my plump master weighs. 

A load for a team this, yet I alone 

To Claremont must draw him, for help I have none ; 

O'er Eshers hot sands, in a dry summer's day, 

How I sweat and I chafe, and I pant all the way 

But when I return, and the draft is increased 

By what he has crammed — a stone at the least — 

No single horse can be, in conscience thought able 

To draw both the justice, and eke half your table. 

This, my case, gracious duke, to your tender compassion 

I submit, and ! take it in consideration. 

To draw with a pair, put the squire in a way, 

Your petitioner then, bound in duty, shall neigh. 

Epitaph on Cardinal Richelieu. 

Stay, traveller — for all you want is near : 
Wisdom and power I seek — they both lie here. 
Nay, but I look for more, and raise my aim, 
To wit, taste, learning, elegance, and fame. 
Here ends your journey, then; for there the store 
Of Richelieu lies — Alas ! repent no more : 
Shame on my pride ! what hope is left for me, 
When here death treads on all that man can be ? 

A Caveat to the Fair Sex. 

Wife and servant are the same, 
But only differ in the name ; 
For when that fatal knot is tied 
Which nothing, nothing can divide ; 



282 joe miller's jests. 

When she the word "obey " has said, 
And man by law supreme is made, 
Then all that's kind is laid aside, 
And nothing left but state and pride ; 
Fierce as an eastern prince he grows, 
And all his innate rigour shows : 
Then but to look, or laugh, or speak, 
Will the nuptial contract break. 
Like mutes, she signs alone must make, 
And never any freedom take ; 
But still be governed by a nod, 
And fear her husband as her god ; 
Him still must serve, him still obey, 
And nothing act, and nothing say, 
But what her haughty lord thinks fit, 
W r ho with the power, has all the wit. 
Then shun, Oh ! shun that wretched state, 
And all the fawning flatterers hate ; 
Value yourselves, and men despise, 
You must be proud, if you'll be wise. 

Fast and Loose. 
Colin was married in all haste, 

And now to rack doth run ; 
So knitting of himself too fast 

He hath himself undone. 

Marriage. 
Were I, who am not of the Bomish tribe, 

The number of their sacraments to fix, 
I speak sincerely, without fee, or bribe, 

Instead of seven, there should be but six. 
All men of sense tautology disclaim, 
Marriage and penance always were the same. 

Frank carves very ill, yet will palm all the meats ; 
He eats more than six, and drinks more than he eats. 
Four pipes after dinner he constantly smokes ; 
And seasons his whiffs with impertinent jokes. 
Yet sighing, he says, we must certainly break, 
And my cruel unkindness compels him to speak: 
For of late I invite him — but four times a week. 



Yes, every poet is a fool : 

By demonstration Ned can show it : 
Happy, could Ned's inverted rule 

Prove every fool to be a poet. 



joe miller's jests. 283 

given by Miss and filled up by the hon. and rev. 

ME. A N. 

Thou bright inspirer of untainted Love, 

Gay as the lark, and peaceful as the Dove, 
Thou whose calm* breast no struggling passions Heat, 

May still thy life be, as thy temper, Sweet, 

By flatterers wearied, when thou seek'st the Shade, 

May peace attend thee through the silent Glade, 

May all those powers that heavenly virtue Bless, 

Improve thy mind, nor make thy beauty Less, 

But if impatience for sublimer Joy, 

Prompt thee to call on death, may death be Coy. 

Epitaph in Stepney Church-Yard, 

Here lies the body of John Saul, 
Spital-fields weaver, and that's all. 

On Wine. 

I was last night a god. How ! Can't you divine ? 
I was raised up to heaven by bumpers of wine. 

A Drunken Man. 

How can I forbear from dancing ? 
See the stars above me prancing, 
Moon and planets to my thinking, 
Just have had a bout of drinking 
And are setting at defiance 
All the laws of musty science. 
Yonder poplar, tall and taper, 
Round and round me cuts a caper ; 
Oaks and elms, and firs and birches, 
Hedges, houses, steeples, churches, 
All to-night are drunk together, 
And dance as lightly as a feather. 
I will dance, none dare refuse me, 
The world's example must excuse me. 

To a Lady that Painted. 

Best of all things sure is water. 
So says Pindar ; you say, nay — 
But detest it worse than slaughter, 
For your rouge t' would wash away. 

To the Painter of a Lady's Portrait. 

Much hast thou done with talents rare, 
But more is left behind ; 



284 joe miller's jests. 



I see the body of the fair, 
But where's her fairer mind? 

Take care of the Pence. 

Nancy this doctrine early learned, 

Small savings make great profit ; 
So she the smallest small-coal burned, 

And very little of it. 

Her stove and chimney-piece Ned sees, 

And each provokes his ire ! 
He calleth this — her marble freeze, 

And that — her small cold fire. 

Indeed, the very child [query, chill'd] who'd been 
One winter's evening by her grate 

Would learn the difference between 
A great fire and a fire-grate. 

A new Fire Escape. 

The house was on fire ; Zeno, circled in flame, 
In vain called for aid, — sure no case e'er was sadder ; 
He escaped. Tell me how ? Why, Antimachus came 
And lent him the use of his nose for a ladder. 

On a Miser. 

A poor man went to hang himself, 
But treasure chanced to find ; 

He pocketed the miser's pelf, 
And left the rope behind. 

His money gone, the miser tied 

Himself up in despair ; 
Thus each the other's wants supplied, 

And that was only fair. 



Have you read Shakespeare's works, my friend ? Ned says. 
His works ! no never — but I have his plays. 

Lines written in a Lady's Album. 
Yes, I shall live ! the voice of fame 
Will not be lost to me and mine, 
Since, lady, I may write my name 
Upon this spotless leaf of thine. 

The eager hands of future ages 
Will catch the volume left by thee; 



joe miller's jests. 285 

And those who dwell within its pages 
Will gain an immortality. 

Lines written under the foregoing. 

And is it thus you hope for fame ? 

Fame like this ! alas ! what is it ? 

To give some idle thought a name, 

That some good-natured friend may quiz it. 

This constant craving — itch of soul — 
For praise and fame makes those who catch it 
Like parrots — who still stretch a pole, 
That passers-by may kindly scratch it. 

From a Tombstone in JBallyporeen Church-yard, 

Here, at length I repose — 

And my spirit at aise is — 

With the tips of my toes, 

And the point of my nose, 

Turned up to the roots of the daisies. 



Where spades grow bright, and idle swords grow dull ; 
Where gaols are empty, and where barns are full ; 
Where church-paths are with frequent feet outworn, 
Law court-yards weed}", silent, and forlorn ; 
Where doctors foot it, and where farmers ride ; 
Where age abounds, and youth is multiplied ; 
Where these signs are, they clearly indicate 
A happy people, a well-governed state. 

A Cure for Love. 
Hunger and time will quench the flame 

That burns on Cupid's altar; 
But if both fail its strength to tame, 

The certain cure's the halter. 

The Cynic's Some. 
No single land my country call, 

No single house my home ; 
But home and country, name them all 
That shield me when I come. 

On a Flatterer. 

You attack me when absent with slanderous tongue, 

But thus fail to injure my name ; 
Your flattery, when present, I feel is the wrong, 

For your praise is my grief and my shame. 



286 



John's wife complains, that John discourses 
And thinks of nothing else but horses. 

Whilst John, a caustic wag, 
Says, it is wonderful to see 
How thoroughly their tastes agree, 
For, that his wife, as well as he, 

Most dearly loves a (k)nag. 

On the Gout. 

Yenus and Bacchus both combine 
To weaken man with love and wine ; 
But worse than them we find, no doubt, 
Their still more weakening son, the gout. 

To a Man with a long Nose. 

Should you e'er stand with open mouth, 
And turn your face exactly south, 
The shadow your huge nose must throw 
On your wide teeth, the hour will show. 



Said Sam, Although my body weigh 

Full sixteen stone, I swear, 
"Whatever people think or say, 

My heart is light as air. 

It is a likely thing enough, 

That such result should follow : 

The body he takes care to stuff, 
Whereas the heart — is hollow. 

On a Morose Man. 
So stern in death was Timon's ghost, 

Pluto ran off for fear he'd fight him ; 
And even Cerberus left his post, 

In mortal terror lest he'd bite him. 

On the Statue of an Ox. 
So wondrous Myron's art is shown, 

That, by the gods, we vow, 
The statue harness wants alone, 

To quit its base, and plough. 

On Bentley, Milton's Critic. 
Did Milton's prose, Charles ! thy death defend ? 
A furious foe, unconscious, proves a friend ; 
On Milton's verse docs Bentley comment ? know, 
A weak officious friend becomes a foe. 



tr 



joe miller's jests. 287 

While he would seem his author's fame to further, 
The murderous critic has avenged thy murder. 

On the inimitable Miss Steele, eldest daughter of Sir Richard Steele, 
afterwards the Eight Hon, Lady Trevor. 

BY MR. PHILLIPS. 

Oh ! for ever could I dwell upon the name. 

Fair nymph, on whom kind nature has dispensed 

The mother's beauty, and the father's sense 

The piercing dart this moment do I feel, 

For sure the wound is mortal that's from Steele. 

Franconian Proverbs — {From the German.) 

Nor linen, maid, or money try, 
Unless there's daylight in the sky. 

Mishap rides up in spur and boot, 
And always slinks away on foot. 

Be the diamond e'er so fine, 
It may not without tinsel shine. 

In culprit's house, thou shalt not hope 
To win thy suit, by talk of rope. 

Much cumbers us a flowing dress ; 
Much cumbers wealth our happiness. 

Who far away for wife shall roam, 
Or starts a cheat, or brings one home. 

He that's a good roof o'er his head, 
Is a sad fool to leave his bed. 

He that is prompt to pay a bill, 
Shall find his coffers promptly fill. 

Break not your egg^ and you are wise, 
Before your salt beside it lies. 

If you would gently sink to rest, 

Mount guard on tongue, and eye, and breast. 



WHOEVER BEADS THIS LITTLE BOOK 

OF JESTS 

Should at once enter their names as Subscribers to 






THE PRICE FOR ONE YEAR'S SUBSCRIPTION" IS 



ONLY $1,25, 



PUBLISHED MONTHLY. 

The NORTHERN MAGAZINE is the most desirable Family Paper, 
in the best sense of the word, ever published in this country. 

The NORTHERN MAGAZINE contains the prettiest pictures, the 
best portraits, the most instructive designs, and the funniest caricatures. 

The NORTHERN MAGAZINE contains the most able leading 
articles, the most interesting sketches of natural history, the most 
valuable biographies, the most beautiful poems, the most funny stories, 
the most thrilling adventures, the most valuable information, the most 
curious novelties, the most pleasing family articles, and the funniest 
jests to be found in any Magazine in Europe or America. 

The NORTHERN MAGAZINE is the handsomest paper in America, 
both as regards printing and engraving. 

The best artists in the country draw for it. 

Some of the ablest men in the country, who write for no other 
publication, contribute regularly to the columns of the NORTHERN 
MAGAZINE. 

The first poets in the land, including the names of T. B. Aldrich, 
William Winter, and others, are engaged to write for it. 

The celebrated McArone, and Garry O'Neil, 

etc., etc., write for it. 

Address 

FRANK BELLEW, 

39 Park Kow, New-York. 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 



i* 



020 755 270 7 





